My grandmother broke my heart last night

[scheming daemons]

She's 94 years old and is in a nursing home. She's not well and doesn't have much time left.

I went to visit her last night. During the visit, CNN was on in the background and an image of the Obama's at the White House the other day came on the screen.

My grandmother said, "Change the channel. I'm already sick of looking at those chimpanzees."


She is an old italian woman, born in Italy and came to the US when she was a baby. I have NEVER heard her say anything as racist as this. I had my suspicions of her racism over the years, but she pretty much kept it to herself.


My heart is breaking because she's dying... but it's breaking almost as much by what she said. I'm glad I didn't have my young daughters with me.

At her age, I felt uncomfortable confronting her about it...so I just pretended I didn't hear it.

I didn't sleep last night.



Part of me knows that attitudes like hers will go away as more of her generation dies off. But wow.... this episode was a shock to my psyche.


Sorry for the personal story, but how are others of you dealing with stuff like this?

[Thrill]

1. There is a reason Obama, didn't get much support from the over 65 crowd

They're old and sit in their ways. Oh well. We move on. Most of them are racist. Its the age they grew up in

[lester94111]

20. That is why the Republican is a dying breed.

.

[marshall]

58. My 93 year old grandmother is the same

She has voted Democrat in every election since Roosevelt until this one.

[carnie_sf]

36. Even the over 65s weren't monolithic

My parents, both over 65 and rural voted for Obama.

[Not the Only One]

81. My 70 year old MIL considered supporting Obama

She was scared by Hannity and the rest into not voting at all. She loved Obama's 2004 speech and was quite open-minded.

[seabeyond]

103. my 72 yr old REPUG father considered voting obama. dont know who he voted for BUT

if he didnt vote obama it wasnt racism anyway.

that does do MY heart proud.

but posters are right, it is an old and dying breed.

[classof56]

40. May I just say a word on behalf of the "over 65 crowd"?

My spouse and I are 73 and 70 and wholeheartedly supported Obama, as did many of our "older" friends and acquaintances, even a couple of die-hard republicans who surprised me. Adds to my sense of hope for the future, but of course there are doubtless those in this age bracket who will never change their hearts and minds. I know a few of them, too. Also know of some "middle agers" who can't stand the thought that we now have a "black president." Did want to point out, though, that not all of us "oldsters" fall into the "racist" category. Also have a tiny problem with being pegged as "old and set in my ways". Maybe as a long-time DUer I just don't wanta admit that!

Proud Progressive in Spite of My Gray Hair!

:)

[JuniperLea]

43. Yay! Good for you!

My parents were Class of 56 too... I was born on my dad's 19th birthday... he went to college part time, worked two jobs, and finally got his degree when I was 12... I treasure the work ethic of your generation!

I'm happy to see you here:)

:hi:

[classof56]

69. Oh, thank you! I truly do admire your dad and his commitment to his goal.

I worked my way through college but did not get that degree, am so sorry I didn't. No excuse, really, just a bunch of misguided decisions. Did pretty well in the world of work, considering the limitations imposed on "girls" back in the 50s, and I was sure to pound into my own two daughters' heads the notion that they could do anything they set their minds to. Worked pretty well--they're productive and successful and independent thinkers, like I wanted them to be. I suspect you are too, thanks to your mom and dad's great parenting!

I'm awfully glad to be on DU. It's been my lifeline through many a crazy day these past eight years. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now and for the first time in awhile, feel like my grandsons actually have a future.

If you can, tell your folks hello from another 56er. I'm reminded of what Golda Meir many years ago: 70 isn't a sin. Thank goodness for that!

Blessings!

[monmouth]

50. Dear class of '56, I'm class of '58 and blew off my 50th reunion for pretty

much the same reasons. I'm in Florida and the reunion was in NJ. I had been e-mailing old classmates, etc. and started to notice some very RW stupidity. Only this morning I put one of them on "Ignore" on my e-mail address list. I told her yesterday, after she sent me a very racist joke that I didn't care for her sending me this stuff, but she just continued. I was shocked at these people. They had been friends for years and I am disgusted with them.

[kittykitty]

72. I am class of '56, too! My husband and I voted for Obama, & almost everyone

we know did, too. Only know if two couples who did not. I suspect it is because they are so wealthy that they don't want to pay more taxes.

[Kajsa]

75. Thank you.

I wish my 89 yr. old mom was on the
same page as you and your spouse.

You are an inspiration to me.

:)-I'm 57 btw.

[Left Is Write]

100. Thank you! My parents (class of '57) voted Obama also.

[windbreeze]

49. Excuse me....!!

I take umbrage at your generalized statement about my generation being racist, old and "sit" in our ways....My husband and I both voted for Obama...and support him. I have a mixed race g.child, whom I love very much...so excuse me all to hell here, oh mighty one, who has deemed that "most of them are racist"...See the problem with assigning a problem to one group...is that those who are NOT guilty, get lumped in with those who are...and as in every other such thing, it's totally unfair...It seems to me, that I recall those of MY generation being the ones who became openly involved in "mixed marriages"...

I had an Italian uncle who was the most racist person I ever had the displeasure of knowing, as a child...I can remember visiting their home...and when he'd start ranting about them "n*****s", my Dad(a full blooded Swede) would grab us kids up and say, time to leave, and we'd leave...I heard my dad say he hated that kind of talk...That racist uncle wasn't in MY generation...he was in the generation before mine...and I am now 67...Not only that...In the county where I was born and raised, in Pa...there were NO black people...NARY a one...so where did HIS racism come from??? I couldn't tell you...but it was very real and it was very nasty...wb

ps: oh and by the way...I know a kid, who's now 34..who at age 18 was racist on a par with my aforementioned uncle...AND he IS still...so how about you stuff your generalizations...

[Hekate]

80. Thx for saying it so well. There've been several "over 65" comments lately & it's starting to steam

... steam me. I'm 61, and know MANY people my age and on into their 80's who are active in the peace and social-justice communities. If my Mom was still alive she would be 84, and she would have jumped at the chance to vote for Barack Obama.

Hekate

[QueenOfCalifornia]

89. I don't think

you are the same generation as a woman in her 90's - but perhaps that's not what you are talking about.

Racists come in all sizes, shapes and ages. Generalizations come from a persons background and what happened to form that sort of thinking. ALL the people I know, from the south are white and either openly racist or closet racists. That doesn't mean that all southerners are racist...

[jimmybama]

65. NOT MY MA

My mother ,who passed this life Jan 25 2005 shortly after W
was sworn in for the 2nd time would have been delighted by the
Obama win. My late father also. It made me feel good when my
mom was in the nursing home and Bush would be on TV and she
would motherfuck him up one side and down the other. I guess I
was raised Democratic,a Kennedy died in the wool LIBERAL and
damn proud of it. My wife's parents, who are older are a
Republican's and share the chimpanzee, muslin, Hussein view
also.  Sad, just sad. I feel that Barack Obama will be a
tremendous president.

[Maru Kitteh]

94. My 76 yo LIFELONG Republican mother voted for Obama

Don't generalize.

[Morning Dew]

112. My small town parents supported and voted for Obama -

they're in their 70s. They were both strong Hillary supporters and switched to Obama as soon as the primaries ended.

They supported Obama with the same level of excitement as they had for Hillary.

They ARE old, they ARE "sit" in their ways. Their ways, however, don't include screwing over their countrymen by voting for the likes of McCain/Palin.

For some reason, when I was a kid, I thought they were Republicans. Later, I found out that neither of them had ever voted for a Republican presidential candidate.

[WI_DEM]

2. She's 94 and dying and set in her ways, so give her some slack

she might be suffering from dementia too which causes people to say inappropriate things.

[tigereye]

61. I remember that my pretty progressive Grandma (well, for a Republican)

in the 60s - said some pretty awful things when she developed dementia in her 80s. My mom used to be shocked and said that GM would never have said or believed those types of things when she was younger.


OTOH my parents are in their late 70s and 80s and voted happily for Obama.

[ej510]

3. Is she sicilian? If she is then that would make her black just like justice Antonin Scalia.

[Solomon]

66. I was about to say that some Italians are a bit prejudiced because

they don't like that african gene in their blood.

[gateley]

4. I think it's telling that she never taught you racist beliefs even though she

may have had them. It indicates -- to me, anyway -- that deep down inside she knew that it was wrong. She's to be commended and appreciated for not imposing her views on her grandchildren.

[supernova]

11. Yes, my grandparents did the same

They where racist, but did not impose their views in us, the grandchildren.

[PassingFair]

5. I wish your daughters HAD been with you.

I had always kept my mouth shut around the
racists in my family. I express dismay and
disapproval, but I was too "polite" to get
into their faces. I had too much "respect"
to confront them.

My girls were raised to treat everyone
equally, and not to pre-judge people based
on externals.

THEY take on my older relatives with no
holds barred!

My elderly aunt looks to ME when they go
after her, as if to say, "Are you going
to let them talk to me like this?"

"They're right, you're wrong." I tell her.

She started out with the chimp stuff this year,
and by November she was voting for Obama via
absentee ballot, which my oldest daughter
set up for her!

All it takes for evil to flourish in this
world is for good people to say and do
nothing. And racism IS an evil.

My daughters have set an example for ME
about practicing what I preach.

[supernova]

6. That could be more her illness talking

Being ill sometimes makes people really grumpy, where they might have held their tongue before.

Baring that. I agree with you. The older white generation around here can be difficult at times. Life is changing at a pace too fast for them. They grew up in a world where prejudice was not only tolerated, but desirable. Now it's not and hasn't been for a while now. Sometimes their hatreds pop out.

I would just let it go. She is what she is.

[kirby]

7. Let her explain her hatred at the Pearly Gates... n/t

[DevonRex]

8. You handled it the right way considering that she is not long for this world.

She is not gonna change at this late hour. But it's sad that one of your last memories of her will be racism.

[prolesunited]

9. She is a product of her upbringing

please don't let that intrude on the time you have left.

[hogwyld]

77. My Dad's the same way

Grew up in the south and is 73 years old. He's set in his ways, so we never discuss politics. I can't imagine what is was like to grow up during that time of segregation and downright racism.

[cali]

10. She's 94. And quite often when people are that age they have

some cognitive deficits. If she never expressed racism before, I'd just give her love and a pass, and not trouble yourself about it. I know it's painful, I went through much the same thing with my dad, who was never someone who expressed the smallest bit of prejudice prior to his last months.

[H2O Man]

42. Exactly.

Thank you for the correct response.

[rebel with a cause]

110. I have heard other people say that their loved ones have done this same thing.

One professor talked about his grandmother who had been a big civil rights supporter and had never said a racist thing in his presence until she got in her nineties and was close to dying. She was in a nursing home and would say racist things to her African American caretakers. He would apoligize to them and they would just say that it was okay. They understood that sometimes people lose cognative control and say things that they heard in their childhood.

I know that a couple of years ago, when I was placed in a drug induced coma to keep me alive, when I came out of the coma my mind was far from being clear. I said things that I still blush when I think of them. Thank heavens they were nor racist, but they were sure silly and made everyone scratch their heads. My kids laughed their heads off at some of the stuff and hid their faces at the things that affected them personally. :9

[DemocratSinceBirth]

12. Wow, I Feel Doubly Blessed

My mom , god bless her, passed away at ninety on September 28th...She was one of the most color blind people I know and she taught me to be color blind...She loved Hillary and Bill but was looking forward to voting for Obama...When she passed, her best friend Mary, who is African American, said my mom was like a grandmother to her... I said that could make me your "surrogate son"...I was at their home the other day and her husband, Nate, said to a visiting neighbor, "I'd like to introduce you to my white son"...


I am so proud of my parents that they taught me to love everybody...

[nichomachus]

13. It's rooted deep in their psyche

My dad went through the same thing. He was 91 when he died in August. In his later years, he lost the ability to edit what came from his subconscious to his lips.

But I remember seeing one of his textbooks from when he was in school. This was in Massachusetts around 1920. It was a book to teach kids to count. It showed pictures of little kids -- very "Black Sambo" type characters.

The text read "Ten little n****r boys sitting on a fence. Blah blah blah. Nine little n****r boys sitting on a fence."

This was an official text with the name of the school and everything stamped inside.

When that stuff is imprinted at such an early age, it's very hard to overcome -- and often comes out when your defenses are down at a later age.

Cut her some slack.

[azurnoir]

25. Thanks your right

Had a run with my Dad last week, he is the same age as yours was thankfully good health and sound mind- what made mine bad was I had not heard things like that in 35 years from him when I married a Black man, however he have since talked and he apologized and said that he was from a "different time" he was sorry. Your right things do get ingrained, also said that he wished Obama luck because Bush had left one of the worst messes since 1929, something he remembers quite clearly.

I am sorry for the loss of your father.

[rebel with a cause]

111. Exactly.

The subconscious is a dangerous thing to be set free and left unchecked. It can happen to any of us when the mind goes.

[fourvahl]

14. I feel sad for them

that their minds are so closed. It really is their loss for closing on something that could be a wonderful and uplifting perspective.

It really is their loss.

[madmom]

15. My mother-in-law went on a rant one day about "kids" under 30 should not be

allowed to vote because they haven't lived enough yet. I promptly told her that I felt it should be the other way around, that she probably won't be around much longer so she shouldn't be allowed to set the agenda for those of us who would, she shut up and never mentioned it again. I know it was mean to say that but sometimes you just have to show them how stupid their remarks are. Oh and she's in her 80's.

[murray hill farm]

16. The saddest thing, really..

is that she will die with this hate still in her heart. this learned hate that she was not, in her lifetime able to let go. If you are comfortable with talking to her, talk in generalities of love for one another..in really a very general sense and about the comfort of tieing up ones life with gratitude and appreciation for her life. is she catholic? Talk about Christ's first commandment to love one another..and about what this means in the last chapter of life. You cannot change her lifetime of racist anger, but for her you may be able soften her heart just a little.

[PearliePoo2]

17. I have had shocking/sad experiences like this too

It's my belief that as people age, they may give up all pretense and let it "all hang out", as they say.
They don't feel the need to hold back anymore because they know they are checking out. I think that's why old people can be seen as getting increasingly angrier and mean.
They may be angry because they are dying and there's nothing they can do about it and there's also the shock value to get as much attention as they can at the end.
It doesn't make it any easier for you, but it happens to many people who are saddened when their loved ones get to this stage.
When you spend some time at a nursing home and listen...there are very few residents that are happy. Most are crying out and yelling for attention and they will get it any way they can.
An example: take away their "call buzzers" for just one minute and all hell breaks out.

[Tom Rinaldo]

18. She is worn down

She has less energy to filter now. Obviously she is revealing racism to you but it may not be total, that was her mood at that moment speaking. Some whites, especially older ones, have profoundly erratic feelings about race. There is a layer of racial distrust that gets fractured in numerous individual instances where they see people of other races simply as fellow humans without the racial bias.

If it were my grandmother I might say to her "I know many african americans who I respect and care for personally. I'm sorry if you never had that experience." I wouldn't dwell on it further with her though under these circumstances.

[enough]

19. scheming daemons, the same thing happened to my parents in their late 80's.

Terribly sad to see these people who had been active progressives all their lives, seem to regress back to a past that was even BEFORE their own past. It seemed as if their minds had been programmed even before they were conscious. Somehow I think hatred is EASIER than love or even tolerance. So when the mind weakens, it can fall back into a dark place.

I remember my aged mother looking at a Girl Scout Cookie box with picture of a smiling black girl on the front. My mother said in a horrible witchy voice, "THAT's not a Girl Scout!" When I asked her why, she said as if it was obvious: "Well she's BLACK."

[EmilyAnne]

21. My grandmother is in the hospital right now and she is scared of a black nurse because she is

certain that, since Obama won, the nurse will feel like she can finally take out her anger on white people. WTF??

Of course, my grandmother isn't white. She's 100% Mexican and grew up in a Texas border town where she wasn't allowed to swim in public pools because of her race.

At this point, I respond to her racist remarks by saying that I know she can't possibly mean what she is saying or that I know she's too smart to believe what she is saying. Basically, I pretend that I am giving her the benefit of the doubt on the pretense that the stuff she is saying is just so flagrantly ignorant.

[cooolandrew]

22. You should talk to her about it, how is he more repugnant than the current guy who intends to >

pollute the air and water even more. While Obama will work to clean that up and make future generations safer. The only way these things can change is for folks to at least say how they feel when they hear these things.

[scheming daemons]

24. Frankly, at her age and in her condition.... I don't think that's on her mind

[scheming daemons]

23. Thanks everyone for your responses......

Yes.... old prejudices die hard.

It was just shocking to hear this from her lips. Deep down, I know she's not a bad person. She's been so wonderful to me my whole life.... such a contradiction in one human being, and one I didn't see (or maybe didn't WANT to see) until last night.

[Rebubula]

45. Just remember...

One trait does not rule out another.

Moreover, it is OK to not like someone (from time to time) that you love. The two feelings are not exclusive.

Let it go. She is old and on her way out.

She is still the same wonderful person that you have known for your whole life. She will always be...if you let her.

[gauguin57]

26. I have had elderly bigots on both sides of my family. They knew how I felt, I knew how they felt.

I couldn't change decades of conditioning, so I chose to change the subject, not cause a family row all the time, and love them for the wonderful qualities they had while I still had them with me. Hell, I'm no saint, and they loved me for who I am.

Let the light the Obamas are shining on this country lighten your heart toward your 94-year-old grandmother ... I mean, if you want to let her know that you think the Obamas are going to be really good for this country, and how happy they make you, I think that would be cool. At least she might not make the comments anymore. But she hasn't much time left ... just remember she was "carefully taught" that crap by someone in her life decades ago ... just love her and enjoy her for her good qualities, and don't let her upset you. Pray for her, love her and try not to lose anymore precious sleep! Barack will need us all to be on our toes to help him through a terrible time in this country!

[Sarah Ibarruri]

27. DEEP BREATH! DEEP BREATH! BREATHE! In and out.... in and out....

The elderly that grew up with racism will never be rid of it. Okay? Please be kind to her. REMEMBER, the elderly are also more ill-humored than most people BECAUSE of their aches, pains, and the fact that they're going to die soon. It's not easy. I'm sorry to say this to you, but it's true. All of us will find it very hard to age.

But most importantly, love her because if you don't show her love now, I guarantee you, you will hate yourself for it once she's gone.

IGNORE HER RACISM! TOTALLY! She's 94 for God's sakes. Can she do any harm? NO.

DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE HER. PLEASE. THANK YOU.

:-)

And when you're there with her, being kind to her, don't forget this:

WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[yardwork]

28. If she has never talked this way before, it's possible that there are biological reasons for this.

You say that your grandmother is 94 and dying. It's very likely that her brain is not the same as it was before. I would tend to overlook and forgive things being said by people who are dying. I've watched my father and my father-in-law die - both of them decades younger than your grandmother - and as their bodies died their brains became confused and they said odd things.

I would focus on your grandmother's life up until now and not worry about what she's saying now.

[T Wolf]

29. I am not for ignoring ignorance and bigotry, even among family members. Fortunately I had

enlightened parents.

My father, still going strong at 91, is a Massachusetts liberal who never uttered a racist word (to me) in his life. Even after marrying a Virginian and living in southern Va for 50 years, he did not absorb the racism that permeates that state.

My mother, a lifelong VA resident, was pretty conservative in some ways. But racism was not one of them.

The march of time will remove racism and the racists from our midst, eventually. I notice race, but try not to let it influence my thoughts.

My daughters do not even see it.

There is progress.

[suston96]

30. Chimpanzee? Uh, don't people around here call President Bush "the chimp"? nt

[Sebastian Doyle]

35. Nice observation, Mr. No Profile

However, there's no racism involved in calling Bush a Chimp. He simply looks like a Chimp.

[suston96]

37. No Profile? What does that mean? I have a journal - an often visited journal........nt

[Kind of Blue]

57. Good gracious! I never realized how ALL of his expressions were chimp-like.

Made my day. Thanks for the illustrations.

[Number23]

108. That picture is the funniest thing I've seen all month

Thanks for that.... :) Although I'm surprised that none of the chimp-ery from his chest-bumping foolishness at the Naval Academy was included.

[mitchum]

31. Tell her that the Moors brought culture to her people

[theboss]

32. Eh. Whattayagonda?

I have old relatives. They don't like black people.

I'm not going to change their minds. And they aren't really in a position to hurt anyone with their beliefs.

So, I just talk about non controversial stuff with them.

[DU GrovelBot]

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[zulchzulu]

34. That's a problem with dealing with the "Old School"

My experience whenever I had to face an elderly person going into the very racist or homophobic world with careless statements is to somehow come back with humor... perhaps say "we are all chimpanzees, grandma" or "now, now... you know better than that, grandma"...

I recently had an incident happen where an aunt had some severe health problems and was going to have to have a nurse come by daily to help out. Well, the first nurse came by and was an African-American. My aunt told her to leave and called the hospital to ask for a white nurse. What can you do... frankly, it's too late to change some people.

When they meet their Maker, perhaps there will be a little talk. Let's hope there is some sympathy upstairs...

[Cleita]

38. Maybe she was referring to Bush?

One can hope? Or, did you ask her who she was referring to?

[southernyankeebelle]

39. OMG

My mother came from Italy when she was 24 yrs old. She loved this country. The one thing that upset her was racism. My family lived on a military base in TX, and my mom and dad were friends with a black couple that had the same amount of kids in their family like we had in ours. They both were due with new babies on the way almost the same time. When my mom went in to have her child our family took care of hers and they did the same for us. We had such a good friendship. Mom had asked her to go shopping one day and they stopped at this five and dime store. Mom wanted to treat her to a cup of coffee and she said no. Mom kept instanting finally she told my mom she wasn't allowed to go in that area to sit and have a cup of coffee. She was shock and wanted to say something but the lady was a lot more attuned to what was going on and finally was able to get her out of the store. Mom said she didn't understand why she could come from another country and not yet a citizen at the time and she could go anywhere yet she couldn't. That upset my mom to no end. I thank god my parents never treated people different from each other. We had all kinds of friends and sleep overs and dinners together. What a wonderful experience we had. Now people are finding out that black people are just the same as whites. I have always known that. I am greatful for my parents being ahead of their time. Not everyone is like that. Just feel sorry for your Nona she doesn't no any better. You are richer for doing the right thing. God be with your Nona.

[JuniperLea]

41. It's in your best interest to forgive her...

I don't know how many dying elderly family members you've been around, but they are a different kind of person. I was born on my dad's 19th birthday, so his parents and my mom's parents were very young when I was born... all four of my grandparents still had their parents living... I have a HUGE family with one set of great-grandparents having 15 kids, all my great aunts and uncles, who had dozens of kids of their own... and so on. So, I've been down that road dozens of times.

Not always, but a lot of the time something happens to the minds of the dying elderly. Some revert to a childlike state, some get cranky and ornery, and a great deal of them lose the ability to screen what is coming out of their mouths. I suspect this is what is happening to your granny.

Don't stop loving her; this will hurt you far more than it hurts her. You might think of her death as not merely a passing of a loved one, but a passing of bad information and hate that permeated their generation. She's had a long life, and you don't know her perspective. But you can be thankful for the good things and thankful the bad things will die with her.

Grace is a wonderful thing. Those who give it benefit from it the most.

Take care of yourself. These are hard times, but they will pass.

[cooolandrew]

51. I'm not saying she should argue with her but it's the right thing to do to say how she felt about >

that comment. If it didn't bother her she wouldn't mention it to us, so that is conscience and that is the voice of right and wrong. Wiser she discusses that with her mother. I personally never patronize anyone on age, health or disability.

[JuniperLea]

56. I think that's pretty sad...

How would it help anyone to confront bigotry at this stage in the old woman's life? What if the discussion became heated and the old woman died on the spot... our OP would have to live with that forever. Living with the memory of the last conversation being confrontational would suck out loud.

[budkin]

44. My Italian grandmother was a closet racist too...

She once told me while watching a basketball game and seeing a guy dunk that when "those colored boys put their hands on that basket, it's just cheating!"

[tularetom]

46. My mom died a few years ago at age 86 - she was still referring to "darkies"

We dealt with it mostly by ignoring it. She got worse as she got older. She was afraid to go to the store alone.

She was a Navy nurse in WWII and a great mom when we were kids she got a little goofy in her later years.

Don't let this incident wipe out the great memories you have of your grandmother.

[Boudica the Lyoness]

47. My Welsh Nana would be 106

years old if she was still alive. She was a good a good woman and always worried about what the neighbors thought of her if she didn't get her washing on the line early monday morning or stayed up a few minutes past her usual bedtime.

Nana loved my bi-racial son when he was born back in 1975 and it was wonderful how energized and happy she was when she got to look after him for awhile. Nana treated my black friends like she treated everyone else, with great respect and kindness.

She was born and raised in a little Welsh mining village. Maybe it was seeing the black coal dust faces of the miners all her life, I don't know, but unlike most people she never mentioned or seemed to notice peoples skin color.

I wish everyone was like her and the world would be such a better place...and we'd all go to bed at the proper time and all that. :)

[suston96]

48. Where we all came from.........

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6258753633440143133

Play it. It is fascinating......I watched it all on the Discovery Channel some time ago.

[shireen]

71. genographic dna ancestry ... it's amazing!

It really cool, http://www.nationalgeographic.com/genographic

[KittyWampus]

52. Listen, and listen well. As we age our Higher Brain functions diminish IF we don't exercise them

Sadly, a lot of people never really expanded their Higher Brain capacity when they were younger.

So that means as people age, their Reptilian Brain begins to become ever more dominant.

That Reptilian Brain is expressed in the part of our psyche that focuses on self-preservation and habitually resorts to tribal thinking.

It's closely linked to the Collective Unconscious and is particularly enmeshed with the dreck at the bottom of that psychic pool.

On various levels, Republicans and Marketers know all this.

[yourguide]

53. My landlord, 70-ish year old italian man...

I assumed he voted for McCain, much to my surprise when I asked him after the election who he voted for he said "the black and white", meaning Obama. While I was less surprised that his response was racist, I was more surprised that he voted for him.

This from a man who quietly has not rented to african americans for the past 10 years.


I take it as a step in the right direction but still, it was a bittersweet vote to me.

[iris27]

60. I had a similar experience....nearly broke my jaw when it hit the floor...

Overheard an older gentleman in my grocery telling his friend all about how he was "going to vote for the n****r, and you should, too". My brain about exploded from the cognitive dissonance, but ultimately I figured, what the hell, it's one more blue vote in a swing state!

[NOLALady]

83. "the black and white"

It doesn't sound racist to me, as Obama is black and white.

Or was it his tone of voice that implied there was something 'wrong' with a person of mixed heritage?

[yourguide]

87. a bit tone...

and a bit of me seeing snips of his racism in the past...

[knixphan]

54. Mammals inherited the earth from the dinosaurs.

It is the way of things.

[byronius]

85. Excellent vision. I applaud you.

The "Republicans" (including Dixiecrats) of fifty years ago would have called the current GOP pansy communists. All moves forward -- unless there is an Event, which resets everything, forget I mentioned that, not gonna happen...

[YvonneCa]

55. Focus on the positive. I'm sure she...

...has been a good person in many ways in her life. Remember those things and try to ignore her faults. People are complicated. :)

[2bfree]

59. Old people get like that sometimes.

The worst parts of them (racism, curse words, negativity....etc) seem to pop out of their mouths more frequently. I think they lose their "filter". I find this with my father from time to time. I just tell him that it isn't very nice to say stuff like that and then change the subject. Sometimes it can be hard but don't let a crazy comment ruin all the good times and memories you have of your grandma.

[olkaz]

62. For the record, if she's that old and sickly, she's going to say messed up things, period.

And you'd be better off dismissing this.

[nini]

63. You should have calmly told your nana that he is a good man

and you believe in him and he will do good to help the quality of life of your kids etc..

Tell her why - if she continues her hate then remind her of her faith (I assume she is Catholic since she's Italian though I know that could be way off) - and Jesus loves all his children.

Dealing with people like that in a calm manner usually works - it will at least make her think of what she said. If not, YOU have to let it go as it's her problem and she will be leaving this world a bitter woman - very sad.

Hang in there.

[nyc 4 Biden]

64. It must be hard...

...for African American DUers to hear stories about racist remarks like this, especially coming from friends/family of the good side. If it wasn't for this historic election I doubt we would ever talk about these type of comments. I suppose it is for the best that it is coming to the forefront and is being confronted, but it still must be hard to hear about.

Here's a hug for the AA DUers.

:grouphug:

[chalky]

91. I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm from Texas, but I as I sit here reading this, I was thinking,

"Yep, yep, seen it. SSDD." I can't speak for others, but tales like this aren't shocking to me. They're shocking to my non-black friends, but not to me.

[prostock69]

67. Some good news.....My father actually stood up for Obama

I am from a very small town in rural Ohio. My family are not fanatical racists, but they tend to repeat the stereotypes of black people from what they see on t.v. (rappers, etc.) I tried my hardest to get them to change their minds on voting for McCain. My main weapon was Palin and McCain's age. It didn't work. We have some really heated (yelling on the phone at each other) arguments regarding this election. I am daddy's little girl, so you can imagine how bad it hurt his feelings when I called him a racists and the type of voter the Republicans love: misinformed and ignorant. Well, we have since made up. I am back to being daddy's little girl (at age 39) lol. Today we spoke on the phone a little about Obama and what is going on with the economy. He has finally come to the conclusion that GWB is a criminal and that he has quit watching Fox News due to their negativity. This was after I pummled him and my sister with numerous printouts of articles and posts regarding all the illegal activity the GOP and GWB's administration have done and with articles and post refuting all their claims about Obama. It's finally worked because now he is standing up for Obama to his co-workers and friends that make derogatory remarks about his race. His only concern now is Obama's inexperience. I told him that he needs to read Obama's book "The Audacity of Hope". It would go a long way in changing his mind about Obama's ability to govern this country. Anyways, I told him I was proud of him. :)

[Jennicut]

68. That is sad. On the positive side my 87 year old Grandmother voted for Barack!

Not a racist bone in her body. She said she was reminded of FDR and Kennedy.

[Dappleganger]

70. Just be proud that you are the next generation.

[mokawanis]

73. You handled it correctly

some people in bad situations deserve a pass. I think you were right to ignore her comment, but I'm sorry you had to hear her say it.

[JJ]

74. Maybe she was referring to Bush.

[The Wielding Truth]

105. Yea, he really looks more like a chimp.

[Kajsa]

76. Hang in there,SD.

My 89 yr. old Repub.mom broke my heart
when she supported Sara Palin and her
hunt by any means possible MO.

My mom loves animals, I don't get this at all!

My Rabid Repug. brother has brainwashed her
and it breaks my heart.

:( - hang in there. :pals:

[Hekate]

78. Cut a dying old lady some slack. A LOT of slack. Turn off the TV when you arrive. Change the subject

Talk about old times. Tell her how much you love her. Bring your children and get her to tell them what it was like when she was their age. Explain to your children privately that the very, very old are often no longer in complete control over what they say, but that Grandma was always a loving person to the family.

You'll sleep a lot better at night.

Hekate

[bertman]

79. One more good story. My MIL and FIL, Louisiana- and West Virgina-born respectively,

both for Bush in '00 and '04.

When the Rev Wright thing exploded in the primaries my MIL was really hating on Obama for being in that church. Gradually I and my wife kept showing them the good things about our candidate and they turned around and started LISTENING TO WHAT HE WAS SAYING. Before long they became strong supporters (FIL not so much because he's a little senilish). They even pinned up their OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT bumper sticker (I gave them) on their refrigerator. On the day they sent in their absentee ballots they were very proud to have cast their votes for Obama.

Even better footnote: My SIL, daughter of new Obama MIL, was a big-time McCain gal. Lives in a very RED little town. Got mad with me every time I tried to talk to her about Obama--or even mentioned him. Turns out she ended up voting for Obama after her Mom and Sister kept working on her.

End of good story.

Change is possible. But it is often very gradual.

[qwlauren35]

82. I would have happily turned the TV off.

But might have also said "I think they are a beautiful family - they remind me of me when I was young"... or something equally sappy and sentimental... and then drop it.

I'm one of those "get the last word in" people, so I'd ask to agree to disagree before moving on. I wouldn't want to let her think that I agreed with her.

Alternately, you could simply, lovingly kiss her and say "please don't say such hateful things about them - I think they are a wonderful family, and I'm looking forward to having them in the White House". Worse still, "it's hard for me to be around you when you say things like that".

Trust me, that will crack through the wall. Nobody really wants to drive away their visitors.

[roguevalley]

84. A guy I know told of his grandpa, who never said anything about anything racial

who, after he died, blew them all away. His mom and his aunt and him were going through a trunk of grandpa's and found a picture of himself and a friend standing beside a tree where a black man was hanging. A souvenir picture. It stunned them more than I can tell you. People like this, you can't save them and since she is at the end, let her work it out in the next life. I guarentee you she will regret this.

[bluestateguy]

86. I used to have an old Italian grandmother too

She often used the term "colored" to refer to black people, but as she was born in 1910, we always gave her a generational pass for that. I never heard her make a racist remark in my life and I never saw her treat blacks with any less respect than whites.

I feel fairly confident that she would have voted for Obama, though some encouragement from my mother might have been needed.

[Blarch]

88. "but how are others of you dealing with stuff like this?"

I don't associate with people like that, no matter who they are, Period

[scheming daemons]

98. So.... you'd break off contact with your only living grandparent, eh?

Must be nice to be able to toss family away like that....

[jillan]

90. She's 94 - how lucky you are to still have her in your life.

Just love her for who she is and enjoy the time you have together - regardless of her comments.

[LynnTheDem]

92. It's how she was raised. Remember all her good points, forgive her

this one bad point she was taught.

:hug:

[HughMoran]

93. My grandfather was a bigot until...

....until he was jumped by a white guy and a black guy came to his rescue.

At least he had an epiphany before he died.

[JoePhilly]

95. Another "typical white Grandma" .... just like mine.

She died a few years ago ... never thought of herself as having a racial bias ... but used the N word without a thought.

Just a different era. Let it go.

[Divernan]

96. The majority of staff in nursing homes may well be black.

In my mother's nursing home, there were no black residents (it was pretty expensive) but at least half of the staff were black. My mom (died at age 94 last year) - was raised in a world which taught her that "coloreds" were mentally inferior, and needed to be cared for, like retarded children. She was also taught that the races shouldn't "mix" socially. The women my mother hired to help her with housework and childcare were always black. We kids were taught to treat them with the same respect as any other adults (and back then kids were taught to be very polite to all adults).

Then, when my mother was in her 60's, my kid brother and his wife decided to adopt a biracial (black and white) child. My mother fought them tooth and nail in the year or so it took before they actually received the new baby. She called me and said terrible things - first time I ever heard her use the word n#####r. She tried to recruit me to oppose the adoption. After I got over my shock I told her how offended I was by her attitude and language, and then she could end up estranged from the rest of the family. My comments had no effect. Here's what changed her. My brother invited her to visit them. And my brother, the baby of the family, was the apple of my widowed mother's eye - so she went. The fist time they placed beautiful Mary in her arms, she just melted and she loved that little girl the same strong way she loved all her other grandchildren.

Sounds like a happy ending - but not quite. Because decades later she ended up in a nursing home with progressive senile dementia. She was largely bedridden and didn't have enough memory to enjoy her lifetime passion of reading. She couldn't even watch a movie or TV show because she couldn't remember any plot. Her days were long, empty and lonely. She was miserable, and when her mind cleared, as it did occasionally, she told me she'd lived too long and why couldn't she die. Other times she thought she was about 5 and asked where her mommy was? At that point, she could become really cranky, and would shout profanities (which she never did before) at any staff who had to deal with her. And if the staff were black, here came the racial epithets again.

I was very embarassed, and I made it a point to talk privately with every caregiver she had. I apologized for her language and told them this was not the kind of woman she had been re either the obscene language or the racial slurs. The staff were very kind - told me it was the norm for white people at that age and mental condition, and that they didn't take it personally.

My cousins told me that my mom's sister was exactly the same way. It really makes me dread getting that old.

[ladywnch]

97. my 94 year old grandma has always had some racial tendencies

but was always careful what she said in front of us growing up. But even she knew that McGrumpy was not fit to lead, and she recognized what Obama brought to the table. She voted for Obama. I'm sure it was difficult for her, but she knew it was the right thing for the country. I've learned to just ignore her shortcommings in this regard. She has lead an amazing life and done many good works for many people. People run up to my grandmother when she is out at the grocery store and such, they want to hold her hand, hug her, etc. It is like she is Mother Teresa! We are all products of the times we grew up in and it is hard to move past those. I don't know how old your children are, but if they are old enough, you can explain these things to them if they ever hear her say something inappropriate.

JMO

[Mid_FL_voter]

99. I just refuse to ignore those type of comments.

You don't have to be mean nor confrontational in responding, but I am personally not in to being quiet.

[lib_wit_it]

101. Let's hope a lot of those attitudes will die off, but as for my

grandparents' legacy, it is still alive and well and living in Boston. My grandparents, when bored with saying n****r, monkey, chimp, etc, was a favorite substitute.

One of their sons is now (Bosox pitcher)Curt Schilling's father-in-law, and he is, at best, only slightly less racist than his parents. His daughter, Shonda Schilling, same deal. And if Curt hadn't had similar attitudes I can't imagine she'd have married him. Of course, in his sport, you can't get away with being open about this sort of thing, so he's forced to keep it to himself in his public life.

Yes, some of it dies out. Some of it is nurtured and lives on.

[shaysings]

102. Methinks it must be "healing" for you guys to bring these stories to DU???

:grouphug:

[gristy]

104. My mom died two weeks ago

and she voted 3 days before her death. My dad and I had asked her who she wanted for President. She said McCain. We pointed out that Obama was the pro-choice candidate. So she changed her mind to Obama. I forgave her.

I miss her.

[complain jane]

106. My brother in law is a cop in a very rural area

My sister says that when she talks to other cops he works with since the election she's been pretty stunned to hear some of the racist comments and their "horrified" reaction to Obama's win.

I think it's scary. But I also remind myself that progress would never happen if Obama hadn't won. His win is the most important part of all of it, I just keep reminding myself that when I'm confronted by racist stupidity because it makes me sick and it scares me.

[demodonkey]

107. My mother, age 90 and in the hospital, still has her huge Obama poster up in her room.

Along with her "Obama Mama" button. Most of the nurses love it!

[democracy1st]

109. Keep in mind her faculties maybe off

[Brewman_Jax]

113. You aren't the only one

Tim Wise wrote of seeing the same in his grandmother in this article: http://www.zmag.org/zmag/viewArticle/13141