My impression of the GOP post-debate talking point/spin memorandum

[Cats Against Frist]

1. When being interviewed by the press, try to say: "I listened to the address on the radio, and I thought George Bush won." It doesn't matter how many different people say this, even though it will sound absurd and fake to anyone who watches TOO MUCH television news.

2. Any mention of Saudis + Bush should be IMMEDIATELY linked to Michael Moore, so we can dismiss it as "propaganda." Oh, and there's a post-debate party for Bandar on Friday night at "Dolls." The theme is "Arabian Nights."

3. Forget that the President was supposed to win the debate because of his "plain spoken" style. Make sure that now, Kerry is linked to the phrase "style over substance." Make sure that we call Kerry a "smooth talker," because it sounds sleazy.

4. Attempt to connect Kerry to ANYTHING French, ANYTIME that we can -- as in: "maybe he's on Paris time," "he has a FRENCH manicure, "we saw him eating FRENCH toast at the INTERNATIONAL House of Pancakes, this morning."

5. Make sure that you point out that George Bush was tired from touring Hurricane areas, during the day. When somebody looks at you like "yeah, fuckin' right, whatever," IMMEDIATELY mention something about 9-11.

6. Any mention of defense should be IMMEDIATELY linked to John Kerry's legislative record, and then IMMEDIATELY linked to the fact that he disagreed with Ronald Reagan about the cold war, and immediately linked to any phrase that can make Bush seem like Reagan. Remind them that Reagan is dead, and that's a horrible tragedy, and that his last words were "never forget."

7. Don't say ANYTHING about the Swift Vets. They are doing our dirty work, as planned -- but they must not be connected to us. We will, however, continue to fund them, as usual.

8. Put on a happy face at every interview, and insist that George Bush won the debate. Just keep saying it, until it sticks. We fooled 70 percent of the population into invading a country that didn't attack us, and didn't have any nuclear program or weapons of mass destruction. Remember Strauss and the "noble lies," and keep at it. KEEP AT IT.

9. Our cover was totally blown at the Debate. Kerry was actually able to tell people that the 9-11 Commission found that Saddam wasn't working with al Quaida and was not responsible for 9-11. The CIA has recently suggested the SAME THING. WE MUST get all talking heads out there, to BLUR and OBSCURE the facts. Also, try to get articles, letters in the alternative, below-the-radar, conservative news sources on the Internet, linking Saddam and 9-11. I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT UP.

10. After Bush's scheduled press conference today, repeat and repeat, and repeat all the above things, as well as say that Bush ripped Kerry a new one in the speech and that "Clearly George Bush wins the Substance Contest." KEEP SAYING IT, KEEP SAYING IT.

11. After Cheney's debate tonight, I don't care if you have to SUPERGLUE strings to the corners of your mouth and tie them to your ears. GET OUT THERE with a HUGE smile, and talk about gravitas, and trial lawyers and there's no way we can trust John Edwards to be second in line to commander and chief. Please see the July 2004 memos on how to smear John Edwards -- make comments about his hair, his wife -- ANYTHING.

12. If you think of any real talking point "zingers" that are especially clever, absurd, ridiculing or sensational, please submit them to me, so I can put them on tomorrow's memo. The factual element of the talking point is not a concern. Anyone who can think of a real zinger that immediately elicits gut reactions of fear, prejudice or hate in our electorate will get a free coupon for Baby Back ribs at Chilis.

Remember what's at stake here, people. If the Democrats win, they will surely launch investigations into the activities of the Bush White House, and push forward investigations that put MY ass on the line, and YOUR ass on the line. And if Kerry signs onto the criminal court, we could very well find ourselves two cells down from Saddam Hussein. In addition, we will NOT be able to sell Iraq off, piece by piece to foreign investors -- so all the "Gotcha" points that you guys earned for lying and getting away with it will NOT be redeemable for subscriptions to Maxim or Precious Moments merchandise, as promised.

Sincerely,

Karl Rove & Karen Hughes

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The really sad thing is, though this is a parody (and a bad one, sorry) -- that this was almost all based on something that I've heard numerous Republican pimps say AT LEAST FIVE TIMES in the last 48 hours.

This is no shit. Add your favorite talking points, if you wish.

[Demit]

1. Ha! "two cells down from Saddam Hussein". What a lovely thought!

Cats, you made my heart go pittipat. Imagine, all of them together again...

[NewJeffCT]

2. I listened to the debate on radio...

And Bush's pauses, stutters & malapropisms were even more glaring - he was actually painful to listen to, and I didn't even see the pissy faces he was making or watch him continually try to drink from an empty glass.

Also, on #9, Rummy yesterday admitted there is no hard evidence of a Saddam - Al Qaeda connection and also said that there is no Zarqawi - Al Qaeda connection.