Right - I'm off to Portugal for the weekend.

[Taxloss]

Not really a holiday - sort of a "stag night", but it's strange how stag nights have become stag weekends. Anyway, it's for my oldest and closest friend (he'll be my best man in June), so I hope it's entertaining. It's a big outlay for me. He's become a big-shot in the City and most of his friends are similar. So as a rather tweedy writer I'm worried about being out of place. Not that I have any fears with my friend himself, or his best man, both of whom I'm very close to, but I know several of his other friends and they're c**ts, frankly. One of them booked the Northern bloody Philharmonic Ochestra for his birthday a few years ago.

Anyway, I'm off for a weekend with the six-figure-salary brigade. I suppose I shall have to master the phrase "I'm sorry, I can't afford that".

[...of J.Temperance]

1. Heck, it's belated, but have a safe journey mon amie

And TRY to NOT get arrested 'eh? Those Portuguese jails could very well be 'Midnight Express' type joints, so get drunk, but be careful ;)

[Benbow]

2. Slumming it again, eh, Taxloss?

Deliberate missed point, by the way.

On no account say, "I'm sorry, I can't afford that". You say, "oh, I must have had six of those already this month, I don't think I could face another one".

[Kipling]

3. Key phrases: "My diet forbids that." "My psychiatrist forbids that."

All yuppies are neurotic. They'll understand.

[non sociopath skin]

4. In my gestalt training ...

... we'd recognise the authentic statements as being something like, "I do not choose to eat that," "Having spoken with my psychiatrist I have decided to do that."

If they need a practitioner, I can supply details. O8)

The Skin

[Taxloss]

5. Well, I'm back.

If any of you fancy a good European city-break, I recommend Porto. It's extremely beautiful. And there's plenty of port to drink and excellent seafood. Yum. Also, it turned out to be very reasonably priced.

The company was "interesting". One chap made the Sterling Times brigade look like Red Wedge. His ideal government was a Tory/BNP coalition and he thought we should have teamed up with Hitler in 1941. I kid you not. I was planning to avoid talking politics for the obvious reasons, but he turned to me at dinner and said "I understand you're some sort of communist".

"Um ... some sort of socialist," I said. He was actually quite friendly, and appeared to consider me more a curiosity than a threat. I don't think he had ever met anyone left-wing before. In another setting I would have taken him to task, but it wasn't the time or the place.

[...of J.Temperance]

6. Oh heck

I know someone exactly like that fellow you describe, Tory/BNP and thought Hitler was doing right. He seems a reasonable fellow, well, actually he is reasonable, but his politics are frightening. He's been in the same golf club as my Dad for years, he looks slightly like Jimmy Edwards, complete with the handlebar moustache.

I've never been to Porto, but it sounds like how I feel about Barcelona, which is my most adored European city.

Did you get drunk? You can tell me, I swear I won't tell anyone else, it'll be our secret ;)

I'm glad you're back safely, I missed you.

I'm VERY nervous today, my beloved Cardinals MUST win tonight against the Astros or else it's over. I was in a terrible state last night, the full thing is over in the Sports Forum...at least others were in a complete state too, which helped slightly.

[Taxloss]

7. I was very, very drunk. We all were. It's traditional.

Nice to be missed. I was only gone about 80 hours.