Need A Laugh Lately?

[Starone]

Dear President Bush:

Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals.
Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're
leaving. California will now be its own country, and we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the North East.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to
almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 PM EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then.

So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get the Governator, stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. (Okay, we have to keep Martha Stewart, we can live with that.) We get the Statue of Liberty.  You get OpryLand.  We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Old Miss.' We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in Alabama. We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms to support, and
we know how much you like that.
Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies?
But heck the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs. Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you. Ouch, bet that hurts.

Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice and
anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to want all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your evangelicals. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.
Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.
Sincerely,

The Nation of California

[Patsy Stone]

1. LOL

But, no! Please take Florida, too! We're Blue, really. You can't tell because of Jebbie, but we are! Please, Miami Beach is begging you!

:)

[Starone]

3. Deep in Red IN

Real deep in red IN. Help!

[keepthemhonest]

5. you have till 4:30 pm on friday

to get the Hell outa there or you will be them.

[hoosierblue]

23. Eeeeeeeek!

Guess I'll be packing today. It had to happen sooner or later. I always spoke too properly for this state anyway.

[Amaryllis]

18. We know you guys only looked red because Jeb rigged it again.

You definitely should be with us blues. And that goes for OH, NV, NM and maybe a few more, too!

[Patsy Stone]

22. Thanks for that.

I can't wait to be Blue again! Jeb must go! :)

[Pacifist Patriot]

26. Amen!

2006 and a democratic governor in Tallahassee can't come fast enough.

[Amaryllis]

30. Seriously, is there hope as entrenched as the corruption is there? God, I

want there to be, but it was even worse this time than in 2000. JEb and Co seem to live ourside the law. Thoughts?

[Patsy Stone]

43. Well

we need to prove the corruption for one thing. I don't think Jeb is running in 2006, so that's a plus. Paper trails (Wexler is still working on this, I think) and getting rid of Accenture (read: Arthur Andersen) and their damn purging of the voting rolls is another thing.

It does look hopeless, but I strive everyday to make Florida Blue again. All of the cities are a beautiful, bright Blue and nobody lives where it's red (who lives in Florida but doesn't live near the ocean?). It's all "ghosts in the machines."

I light candles on a regular basis....

:)

[Amaryllis]

44. Have you seen this? They really follow the money here, speaking of

Arthur Anderson.

US voting machines: Will 2004 elections be electronically rigged?
By Alex Lefebvre
24 December 2003

Recent revelations about US voting machinery companies and their products raise serious questions about the integrity of the electoral process in the US, as well as in other countries. These companies, which have intimate ties to the US right wing, operate with no real outside supervision. According to information that has emerged, their products’ safety designs are so poor that they offer many opportunities to rig elections, especially for well-connected insiders.

The crucial issue has been the transition from paper or mechanical balloting to electronic balloting. In many electronic balloting systems, voters’ information is simply stored electronically (known as Direct Recording Election, or DRE), as opposed to printing out a paper ballot that the voter can then check to see if the ballot matches his intentions. However, voting systems corporations generally claim that the software code that records votes is proprietary, and therefore deny outside personnel access to the code. When candidates or organizations have sued for the right to access the code, judges have ruled in favor of the voting systems corporations. The companies have also threatened to void warranties for the machines if they are inspected.

Voters who cast their ballots using any of a number of electronic voting systems have no way to check that their votes have been properly recorded. A New York election commissioner, Douglas Kellner, said: “Using electronic voting machines to count ballots is akin to taking all the paper ballots and handing them over to a couple of computer tech people to count them in a secret room, and then tell us how it came out. This is not an acceptable way of conducting elections in a democracy.”

The democratic qualifications of the pre-DRE voting in the US should not be overstated. There have been numerous cases of elections rigged via manipulation of other voting machinery systems, or by altogether different means. However, the scope of unverifiability and the centralized, secretive nature of the tallying process create the conditions for an unprecedented attack on the public’s democratic right to have its vote counted.

The Florida state primary elections of 2002, in which Jim McBride defeated former attorney general Janet Reno for the Democratic gubernatorial nomination, provided an example of the type of electoral irregularities that can be expected with DRE voting. Vote tallies in several precincts of Miami-Dade and Broward counties aroused Reno’s suspicion, and she asked Professor Rebecca Mercuri, an expert in computer sciences and voting machine technology, to investigate.

In an interview with Salon, Mercuri said: “She called me because they saw the number rolling out of the machines, and they figured something was screwy. You would have places where there were over 1,300 and there would be like one vote for governor.” When asked about the process, the voting machinery supplier, Election System and Software (ES&S), sent a technician to recover the lost votes. Mercuri commented: “Basically ES&S comes in and they’ve got some sort of tool they stick in some part of the machine and they pull some data out of it. How can you trust that?”

The voting systems industry’s political and criminal connections

The voting machinery industry is dominated by a few large corporations—Election Systems & Software (ES&S), Diebold and Sequoia. ES&S machines count between 55 and 60 percent of votes cast in the US; Diebold and ES&S machines put together count about 80 percent of US votes.

ES&S, formerly American Information Systems, enjoys impeccable conservative credentials and links to the clerical-fascist right. Its 1993-1994 CEO and 1992-1995 chairman, Chuck Hagel, became a Republican senator from Nebraska in 1996 and won his re-election in 2002 in elections where votes were counted entirely on ES&S machines. Although Hagel sold his entire stake in American Information Systems before becoming a candidate, he kept a $5 million stake in its parent company, the McCarthy Group. Hagel failed to disclose this fact on congressional documents.

ES&S also enjoyed the financial support of far-right California billionaire Howard Ahmanson. He provided capital to brothers Bob and Todd Urosevich, the founders of ES&S precursor American Information Systems. Bob Urosevich now heads the election division of Diebold, and Todd Urosevich is a top executive at ES&S. Ahmanson also funded the Chalcedon Foundation, a leading institution of the Christian Reconstructionist movement, which advocates the establishment of Christian theocracy and Old Testament law in the US, including the death penalty for homosexuals.

Diebold is largely controlled by staunch Republicans. Besides Urosevich, Diebold’s current CEO Walden O’Dell is a leading fundraiser for George Bush’s re-election campaign; he recently declared he was “committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the president next year.” During the 2000 and 2002 election campaigns, Diebold donated over $200,000 exclusively to the Republican Party.

Sequoia is largely controlled by the British cash-printing firm De La Rue. Its management has a remarkable record of dishonesty: executives Phil Foster and Pasquale Ricci were convicted in 1999 of paying Louisiana commissioner of elections Jerry Fowler an $8 million bribe to buy their voting machines. These convictions took place in the context of a massive election scandal in Louisiana involving connections with organized crime, in which Sequoia executives gave immunized testimony against state officials. Ricci in particular was suspected of having mob links.

Sequoia is also linked to the Bush family: De La Rue’s corporate parent, private equity firm Madison Dearborn, is a partner of the Carlyle Group, the investment firm that employs the current president’s father, former president George Herbert Walker Bush.

More:
(copyrighted article)
http://www.wsws.org/articles/2003/dec2003/vote-d24.shtml

[Amaryllis]

45. Maybe if we did an exorcism on those ghosts? :)

[bush_is_wacko]

39. I would love to move to California, but I can't afford it!

Colorado just replace two Rethugs with Dems and we have a large population of blue voters as well, can you fit us all? Funny thing is, a LOT of RED Californian's have moved here over the past 4 years!

[keepthemhonest]

2. this is for real right?

not a joke. when does it start.
Yippeee FREEEEDOOOOOOOMMMMMM!

[GreenPartyVoter]

4. Welcome to DU *wave*

----------------------------------------------------------
Save this nation one town, county, and state at a time!
http://timeforachange.bluelemur.com/electionreform.htm#why

[Starone]

8. Thanks! DU is

an oasis in the red Repug desert of IN.

[elizm]

15. Also an oasis in...

the red Repug desert of SC! :)

[Name removed]

6. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[jsascj]

10. Whoa

And I bought it...hook, line and sinker.

[Starone]

11. If a freeper is....

...someone who got drunk when Reagan was re-elected in '84; was the only liberal Realtor made fun of in an office of Repugs in the money-making '90s; and now in 2005 wears the tin foil hat proudly...you're right! This is most certainly a ploy. :-)

[elizm]

14. BUT...

I heard someone call in to AAR just the other day on Ed Shultz show (caller was from NC) saying (SERIOUSLY) that he thought we should just go ahead and divide the country between red and blue (He was from a red, of course). Ed Shultz got a big laugh out of that. So they can paint it any way they want but it IS a belief of many of the red-staters (I know because I am from one!).

[elizm]

7. Fantastic!!! BUT...

Please don't leave me behind! I wanna come too!!:bounce:

[jsascj]

9. Dear California,

Won't you please take VA as well. I don't give a damn WHAT the Republicans say, we voted blue this time.

[rumpel]

12. I just love it.

:toast:

[Starone]

16. And we get the Governator! Such a Deal!

[Name removed]

13. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[In Truth We Trust]

17. LOL

[johnaries]

19. You mentioned Opryland.... there is no more Opryland...

They turned it into a MALL!!!! :wtf:

[nashuaadvocate]

20. LOL...you should also check out, if you like political humor...

...the most recent Orange Report on The Nashua Advocate. Shameless plug there, I know, but -- we really think you'll like it.

Really.

We went for funny and irreverent this time. (And it's about time!).

http://www.nashuaadvocate.blogspot.com/

The News Editor
The Nashua Advocate

[gkhouston]

31. bwahahahahaha!!!

Folks, this was definitely worth a read. Okay, their stuff is always worth a read, but they went for the funny and they definitely found it... in spades.

Gina

[centerzu]

21. I, for one, need all the laughs I can get. Here's another one

Published in the Bolinas Hearsay News (no link, they're not on line)
Monday, Jan 10

This is a humor piece. I do not vouch for the data...it does not foment revolution...Peace

Longer Range Impact of the Nov. 2nd Vote:

Not to worry. With the Blue States in hand, the Democrats have firm control of 80% of the world's fresh water, over 90% of our pineapple and lettuce, 93% of the artichoke production, 95% of America's export quality wines, 90% of cheese production, most of the US low sulfur (sic) coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, CalTech and MIT. We can live simply but well.

The Red States, on the other hand, now have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care cost spike), 92% of all US mosquitoes, 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University. A high price to pay for controlling the presidency.

[SharonRB]

28. Welcome to DU!

[centerzu]

47. Thanks for your welcome...I already feel quite at home here. n/t

[hoosierblue]

24. One newbie to another

Welcome to DU.

[Starone]

32. Thanks!

Like I said yesterday, DU is an oasis. Glad to be here!

[Pacifist Patriot]

25. I respectfully request that Florida be added.

Given the agriculture, together we could make it very difficult for Bush to enjoy OJ with his morning paper. Oops, he doesn't read the newspaper, maybe not such a loss.

At any rate, Florida voted blue regardless of the results spit out by a handful of computers. If you can't take my word for it, just ask Tom Feeney. Bring a subpoena and a Bible though.

[SharonRB]

27. I love this!

This is really great. Cracks me up -- oh, so true, though. I'm so glad I live in a blue state.

[sickinohio]

29. Wait for me - I want to go too - we really are Blue - I promise!!

[Starone]

33. You're sooooo lucky! (n/t)

[we can do it]

34. Take us in Northern Ohio, too

We almost all voted Kerry - no matter what the evil ones say.

:think:

[Starone]

35. I know!

Even though I now am in the Repug red desert of IN, I grew up in the democratic garden of northern OH....that's where my liberal roots spring from.

[skids]

36. The British are coming.

That reminded me of this one here:

http://www.educationet.org/messageboard/posts/37538.html

[Pooka Fey]

37. U.S. OUT OF CALIFORNIA

This is funny, but it seems that Californians are getting pretty serious about this movement. Look at this site:

http://www.moveoncalifornia.org/

Since there are so many Californians living in AZ because we couldn't afford CA rents, can we come too? We were 1/2 blue.

[EFerrari]

42. I still think we should apologize to Mexico and BEG them to take

us back.

Spanish is a really lovely language, and Mexican culture takes care of its vulnerable people.

Really good tequila, too.

[ruthg]

38. I love it

I am a former Californian now living in New Jersey so I guess on Friday I will once again be a resident of California ( the Country of, at least). Keep your darn earthquakes over there though, ok? I didn't much like them.

[Carolab]

40. Minnesota happy to join the country of California.

We have Garrison Keillor and the fine citizens of Lake Wobegone.

We broadcast the CBS Nightly News nationwide from Minneapolis; let's draft Dan Rather and Mary Mapes instead of Brian Williams.

[Democrat Dragon]

46. Heck! We Californias could invite a few memebers to our party!

And then join Canada!

Remember THIS?:

http://mena.typepad.com/dollarshort/2004/11/canada_20.html

and THIS:

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/bljesusland.htm

[EFerrari]

41. HIlarious. Okay, back to building that wall :)