Freeper movie endings

[kiki]

Okay, so we always hear the right-wingers going on about "liberal bias" in the media, and that includes movies. And I have to say I agree - while most mainstream movies could be seen as "right-wing" because of the constant presence of guns, tits, camp English villains etc, I do think that many of them have a prevalent liberal ethos of basic support for fairness and human rights, opposition to greed, and distrust of authority. The good guys usually stick up for the poor and unfortunate, and the government and big corporations are usually portrayed as the lying scumbags that they, well, actually are.

In view of this, I've often thought about the kind of thing that constitutes a "happy ending" in the minds of the right-wingnuts. Some examples:

Star Wars: The rebel army is destroyed because they are terrorist insurgents who hate the Empire and its selfless quest to bring democracy to the universe. The dangerous liberal cult of the Jedi is similarly decimated. The Death Star is completed, allowing the Empire to gain full-spectrum dominance over most star sytems and creating jobs in the arms industry in the rural towns of Tatooine.

The Alien series: The interfering and over-emotional activist Ripley is arrested/paid off and the Weyland-Yutani Corp rightfully claims intellectual property rights over the xenomorph species, to the delight of their shareholders and the military-industrial complex.

Bill and Ted's: Ted is sent to military school, giving the wayward boy some much-needed discipline and averting the potential disaster of a future based on tolerance, peace and understanding.

[Modem Butterfly]

1. Red Dawn

Ignorant, untrained hicks take on Soviet Army and win because they're Ameriancs, damn it.

Oh wait, that was the actual ending.

[ET Awful]

3. Actually, to make it more Freeperish, all the hicks are executed

as insurgents and terrorists, while their entire culture is decimated and ridiculed.

[BlueJazz]

2. "The Day After" ....Turns out the only states (and People)

...that were destroyed and annihilated were the Blue States.
The Red States Praise God for his Mighty Force in doing away with all the Queers.

[ET Awful]

4. You forgot to mention that they do so while attempting to conquer

Mexico and attributing their attack on their benefactor to the will of God.

[elehhhhna]

5. Ghost-- Patrick's ghost is really the DEEVIL. Whoopi's a DEMON, and

Demi goes reeling off to the eternal lake of fire because she opened her mind to the forces of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-VL.

Dirty Dancing : Don't even go there...

[elehhhhna]

6. Contact: Jodi Blows up China & the ME from deep space.

[Modem Butterfly]

7. "Mississippi Burning"

The KKK gets away with the murders of the Civil Rights workers and black voters, while technically able to vote, and disenfranchised through intimidation, lies and fraud.

AKA Mississippi Voting - 2004.

[Tom Kitten]

8. Black Hawk Down

the US drops an a-bomb on Mogadishu.

[RevolutionaryActs]

9. LOL! Thanks for the laugh! nt

[Touchdown]

10. The Lost World: Jurassic Park

San Diego becomes a smorgassboard for the T-Rex and her brood, because tort reform laws prevent any wrongful death or negligence suits against INGEN Corporation. INGEN claims protection from the US Military to "handle" the out of control dinosaurs on Isla Nublar and Isla Sorna, taking up so much of the military's man-power, that there's not enough troops left to shoot a sleep dart into Mama T-Rex in San Diego. INGEN get's a tax refund on taxes they never paid.

[Touchdown]

11. Die Hard- Nakatomi Corp. sues the LAPD

for the damage John McClain did to their building in his pursuit of the thieves. The LAPD goes bankrupt (might not be a bad thing for liberals though). ;) ...and is taken over by CPO, a law enforcement/military supplier out of New Detroit, specializing in advanced robotics and cybernetic law enforcement officers who have died on the job. The first ED-209s are deployed in Century City.

[Tom Kitten]

12. E.T.

ET is sent to Abu Ghraib where he is tortured into giving the government highly valuable information about alien technology. He is then "inadvertantly" crushed to death while being used as a cornerstone for a human pyramid. After his death he is dissected and his finger is preserved in a jar full of formaldyhyde, and eventually it finds a new home on the desk of Donald Rumsfeld.

Elliot and his family are bound and hooded, given tranquilizers and placed on a special jet, and soon they find themselves facing a new life in Gitmo, where they will be re-educated for their own good.

[jobycom]

13. The Girl With the Pearl Earring

Vermeil impregnates Griet, forces her to have an abortion, then blackmails her to appear nude for his patrons while keeping her as a maid and live-in mistress. After getting her hooked on drugs, Vermeil becomes concerned that she will spill the beans to his wife, so he has her killed in an apparent suicide, using rat shot (if they had rat shot). The wife suspects, so he has her wacked, too, then bribes the proper officials to claim she had a heat arythmia and collapsed and struck her head on the side of a desk. Vermeil goes on to become a successful radio and television broadcast, skirting the law and laughing as his liberal competitors are brought down by the idiot son of the secretary of state on trumped up morality issues.

Vermeil has the butcher kid wacked, too, just because you can never have enough dead people to make a Republican happy.

[Catchawave]

14. "It's a Wonderful Life"

James Stewart keeps the money and goes on his honeymoon.

[MidwestMomma]

15. Raiders of the Lost Ark

Opening of the Ark unleashes a power that enables Hitler and the Nazis to cleanse the world of any and all non-white, non-christian peoples.

[jmm]

16. Citizen Kane

Rosebud is revealed to be a small Texas town with a large untapped oil reserve.

The Deer Hunter

Michael returns from Vietnam and becomes the president of the NRA.