I have no passion for politics anymore. I lost my dad this past May and

[frankly_fedup2]

he and I talked daily about everything. Now that he is gone, this is like the first or second post I have put on DU for a month or two. I'm disabled due to fibro as well as chronic depression and anxiety/panic disorder, so I'm under a physician's care at all times. I know I'm still depressed about my father. It's been six months and whenever I think of my dad or even talk about him, I start crying (like now).

I have no passion for anything except the web and never getting anything accomplished and just sitting online. I've tried to build a political website of my own but that's been a waste of time. I keep changing it. It still isn't right. Things on it aren't working right, especially with my links and in the members' only forum. I should have known better then to pay for something I didn't even know how to fix.

I pay a monthly fee as a member here and I get an email from Skinner about giving more money for DU's last money drive. I guess paying monthly automatically isn't enough. DU is NOT a not-for profit website so I feel paying a monthly fee to them is more then enough. I don't know if they still have other jobs as well as this site anymore or not. I think when they started the site they use to work doing other things but now depend on DU for their full incomes. I could be wrong too because I'm just guessing, but they seem to have bigger quarterly drives. Since my monthly contribution doesn't seem to be enough to help out, I'm going to stop doing that. I'm sure DU is a lot of work for them; however, for some reason, I feel they should work for their living, not depend on members here. (yeah, I know that last remark was unnecessary and yeah I probably shouldn't have said it, but I think it's out of pure jealousy of their success. I'm happy for them but jealous as well. I suppose I'm being hypocritical about it all). I might visit from time-to-time but the passion for politics left with my dad.

I have never been able to find a deep-seated faith in myself regarding God, Heaven or Hell, Death. I just want to know that my father is okay and there is no way to know. If there is a Heaven, I know he would be there. However, when I look in the Bible (The KJV which King James and the Emperor Constantine decided which books to add and which to leave out), when death is mentioned, it speaks of the "Sleep of Death." Also, regarding life itself, in Genesis Adam wasn't alive until God gave him, "The breath of life." That is why I'm pro choice (up to a certain point). I know Partial births are only done if the fetus is already dead and/or dying and to make it easier on the mother. I wish some of the NeoCONS would understand that.

I'm sitting here watching, "BORN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY." I'm at the point where Cruise, in the movie, has returned from Vietnam, and everyone is treating him like dirt. His motto, "Love it or leave it!" His mother is even starting to look down on him. I hope the troops now are not treated by others this way.

Sorry so long, but this may be my last post. Most all of my posts throughout the years have been thread killers. I have never felt like I have ever contributed anything to this site. Whenever I would start a thread, I might get 5 or 6 replies if that much. And this was when I was very passionate about my politics. I still voted and made sure my mother did as I know my father would expect her to. I'm her caregiver as she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I'm pretty much losing my frigging mind with the loss of my dad and it seems like my mother at the same time. I have cried over her more then my father I think. She wants me to take care of all of her bills and money but then will accuse me of stealing from her. I'm sure by this time next year I will be a loony tune so I'm getting things off my chest now. The stress is overwhelming at times to where I wish I would explode, (like tonight).

Well, I got some things off my chest and I'll stop my whining. After all, why would anybody else care when my own family doesn't, right? (oops, more whining . . . sorry).

[jwirr]

1. I am sorry about your father. I find it helps to remember I am

carrying on the Democratic heritage that my father and mother taught me. I like to think they would want me to protect what they passed on to me.

[Radio_Lady]

4. Hi frankly... I'm sorry for your loss and completely understand your pain.

My father and I didn't have a close relationship, yet I still miss him, and he died in 1988. Mother was gone by 1991, and I'm an only child with few relatives.

In 2006, I lost a former mentor and lover (January 4) and my ex-husband, whom I loved for most of eleven years (December 1). I also went to my 50th high school reunion, with ninety-nine other graduates out of a class of 400 in 1956. Many of us are deceased, and there is a lot of life's baggage holding on to all of us.

Life is a river... and sometimes, the raft gets swamped or overturns. Then, almost miraculously, it rights itself! We are all "running the rapids" -- and, no, I don't believe in an afterlife. I won't ever see Mom or Dad again, or anyone else who "shuffles off this mortal coil". That makes me all the more willing to make the most of today.

My spells of disappointment and depression are held in check with minor medication, and the understanding of a loving spouse. I've grown closer to a couple of cousins in the East. Luckily, times have changed since I lost my parents. I moved from Boston to Portland, Oregon. My kids grew up and had their own kids. Two of them are here in the area.

Hang in there. My father used to say, "This, too, shall pass." It usually does.

Hope you can enjoy a good holiday. PM me if you want to.

Radio Lady in Oregon

[yorkiemommie1]

2. I understand

... I'm in a family crisis also and also seeing a therapist for depression.

I used to be signed up for all kinds of email alerts from different sites but i've unsubscribed from them all.

I have joined a group and am working on codependency issues w/ them and w/ my therapist. Both the group and the therapist really help. The therapist started me on the 'rubber band' where I wear it around my wrist and snap it whenever I feel a negative ( for me ) thought.

I have visited online sites dealing w/ my issues of detachment/codependency and have found help there also.

Some DU'ers even have pm'd me w/ positive thoughts.

I wish you peace and healing,

Yorkie

[Radio_Lady]

6. Yorkie, I'm here to tell you that "thought stopping" with a rubber band...

helped me a lot! In the 1980s, I was involved in a tremendously long episode of love addiction, starting in the 1950s, and had to confess to my husband that I had been keeping another man in my life and thoughts for more than three decades! There was a lot of pain, therapy, and re-education involved, but we've pulled through. I hope your crisis gets resolved.

Also, that little rubber band helped me cure my fear of flying! It's amazing!

In peace -- be gentle with yourself.

Radio_Lady in Oregon (PM me if you want to...)

[yorkiemommie1]

21. thanks so much

for the encouragement!

I'm trying so hard to detach and yet I find myself saying the wrong things even as I am saying them!

I need to be quicker w/ the rubber band and stay w/ my weekly mtgs. w/ my support group.

I was hoping my life would simplify by this stage in my life. Doesn't seem like it.


thank you again...peace,

and i may take you up on your offer sometime!

yorkie in SoCal

[Erika]

3. You appear to be striking out in anger.

You need to step back for a minute.

[Harper_is_Bush]

5. Skip all the political BS then. Pick up an issue that was important to your dad and be an activist

It's possible to immerse yourself in some cause without worrying about politics.

i.e. I do Global Warming work in the form of buying flourescent bulbs for co-workers, writing LTTE's, shaping my life as an example to others.

Global Warming isn't political, is it? :)

Sorry about your dad. Nobody can know how you feel or what will make things better for you. My advice is try to stay busy and work in something meaningful that you think he would approve of.

[toddaa]

7. You're not whining

But you do need to get some serious help. Is there anyone you can talk to?

[Erika]

8. I never knew my father

But his death police reports were a little rough to say the least. Maybe you should be happy for memories.

I'm just glad I wasn't asked to judge him. Nor my step-father.

I was once told a piece of advice "If you cry, you will cry alone, laugh and the world will laugh with you"

[roody]

9. I hope you get some help---get in a support group.

Take a break from politics; that is a healthy idea. They are just one piece of the puzzle. If you can't afford it, participate in DU without paying. Breathe deeply. Go for a walk. Enjoy life---this may be all there is!!

[jus_the_facts]

10. I'm so sorry for your loss and current circumstances.....

....I don't think you're whining...I think you've got your third paragraph pretty spot on too....I hope you find peace..I lost my Dad last year and it's still hard to accept he's gone...eventhough we didn't agree on politics or much else. :hug:

[Mist]

11. I'm sorry you're going through hard times --my father died in '03 and

I cried for a year whenever I thought of him. It's especially hard that you care for your mother as well. I think there are support groups, either in person or online, for caregivers of those with Alzheimer's; maybe you can check that out. Many people have a relative with Alzheimer's, and the support and advice can be encouraging and maybe help you feel less alone with your troubles. Also, even a moderate amount of exercise, walking 20 minutes a day or so, can help keep depression at bay. Another bit of advice, if I might: please don't read any downer books or watch any depressing or overly-intense movies for a while. And if politics aren't your thing right now, just lurk occasionally!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

12. Your pain practically leaps out of the screen at me

I wish I could help. But taking care of a person with Alzheimer's while your grieving is just too much. You need to find a support group and fast.

Perhaps you can look into respite care--there are some organizations that provide what's called "adult day care" for people with dementia. The elderly are taken care of and given simple activities to do while their caregivers go off and do whatever they need to do.

And if you have siblings, you need to tell them what you're telling us (strangers on a message board) and demand (not request, DEMAND) that they help, either by taking a day or two once in a while or paying for someone to come in and do some routine chores so that you can get a breather.

Also look into what your county offers for in-home care.

You can't be a good caregiver if you're at your wits' end.

Don't feel guilty about not being successful in politics or not getting anything done. You already have too much to worry about.

In the meantime :hug:

[pansypoo53219]

13. i gave up sports, for disgust of georgie and republikkkans

i found my soul mate in november. my brass ring, my everything.
fucking politics is the only thing to keep my mind of my sweetie.
plus my paternal unit is a dittohead, so it's another swipe at the sperm donor.

[JohnnyLib2]

14. Just today visited my younger sibling who has Alzheimers.....

the caregiving spouse gets out for a half day or a day now and then, says it helps a lot. Only a very few friends or family have hung in with them.
Keep writing, keep talking, find a break. Can you work up some political passion for stem cell research? Take care.

[Meshuga]

15. What a tough year...

your're having and we complain about our little problems in life.

The important thing is that you should grief the loss of your father for as long as you need but instead of trying to look for comfort in politics perhaps you should get active in some sort of charity thing helping others where you actually have to go somewhere interact with people face to face.

Doing something good forothers is going to make you feel good and that you're doing something worth your while. It's much better than politics, I'm telling you. :-)

Online interaction with people sucks since people can easily be mean and dismissive. It will only make you feel worse.

[fed-up]

16. {{{hugs}}} time will eventually put things in a better light for you

I was my mother's caregiver after her stroke in 1996 until she passed away from cancer in early 1999. We were very close and her death came only about 10 days after her cancer diagnosis. It was unexpected and quite a shock.

I was pretty much a basket case for the first 6 months and would cry at the mere thought of anything related to her. The intense pain of missing her started to easy up by the first year and then by the second and third year I was much better. I would say the 5 year mark was when I could think of our good times together without overwhelming sadness, just a gentle tug at my heart.

I am one of six children and having talked to many other caregivers and reading/hearing about others it is very typical to have just one family member that bears the burden of caregiving for whatever reasons. I have slowly let go of my anger over that and realize that not everyone has the inner strength and stamina to be a caregiver. I also am very grateful for my time spent caring for my mother as it was the most personally rewarding thing I have ever done. It also let me see as an adult the strength that my mother had to perservere and continue therapy for three years while working on regaining her speech.

That said, caring for someone with alzheimer's is a whole different task and it is imperative that you get help. Here in California there is an organization called Family Caregiver Alliance. They covered a weekend off for me during the last year of my mother's life and were a great source of information even though I did not have a computer at the time. There was a one year waiting list so make sure to get on it ASAP.
http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/home.jsp

I also know a few people that run political websites and believe me they work their tail off to keep things running as smoothly as possible. None of them are getting rich and the number of people that get inspired or educated by what they learn online is worth every penny that they make. I am just guessing that the email you received was sent to everyone and the program was not set up to check if the member was already a monthly donor.

When I had gone through a minor depression years ago I found that physical exercise and a healthy diet chock full of fresh greens and minimal processed foods is imperative.

Doing volunteer work (helping my sis put on an MS Walk) helped snap me out of it. I had been overwhelmed by the stresses of single motherhood and by interacting with people that wanted to help gave me a whole new outlook on life. It reaffirmed my belief that most people are good and want to help where they are able. I now help put on fundraising events once or twice a year no matter what else is going on in my life.

I wish you the best and just want to reassure you that things do improve with time.

[Danger Mouse]

17. Wow...

You've been through a lot lately, huh? Well, Winston Churchill said, 'If you're going through Hell, keep going.'
First of all, wherever your father may be, I am sure he is at peace.
Secondly, you have way too much on your plate right now. Hate to sound like a broken record, but you should look into some sort of support group...group therapy maybe? That can be surprisingly effective. Often helps to meet people who know what you're going through all too well.
I think the suggestion that become an activist are good ones too...taking up a cause that was important to your father, as suggested by another poster?
There are many great causes out there that could use more passionate advocates to help spread the word.
You're not whining. You're in pain, and you're reaching out. And you picked a good place. I've found that DU is full of decent, caring folk.
I certainly care. And I think a lot of other people do here, too. Stick around, alright? :hug:

[applegrove]

18. You are going through a lot. Ignore requests for money... they are not

meant for you. It would take even more money for the DU to have a detailed system of who has donated...and they cannot afford that. So just ignore the requests okay? As to your dad... I heard some great words at a funeral once... "your dad is not gone..your relationship to him has just changed one more time". You have all sorts of memories of him and it is okay to keep those close to your heart and enjoy the good times again. Hugs. And ignore any DU request for money..you are not who they have in mind when they remind us to help with keeping the site up. You have already done more than most - with much less I bet. And remember that there is a grieving process...so the huge amount of pain you feel will pass. It is very early in the process so you have to just trust that you, as a human being, were made with an internal process that allows you to grieve and say a long good-bye..and then wake up one day a year later and say: "it is going to be okay. I will think of my dad and laugh and wiggle both my ears from here on in". It does happen. It is so early..that I would not put too much pressure on yourself..there is no schedule. Just remember to cry hard when you feel the need. That is the most important thing.

[auntAgonist]

19. I'm so very sorry you're going through this

I hope you can find a support group to help you along. You are not alone, nor should you be. Please, find some people close to you that have experience with this. You'll be so glad you did.
My deepest condolences on the loss of your father. :hug:


My MIL has Alzheimer's late stages. It's very difficult to see her the way she is. She's in a home with caregivers 24/7. We were unable to give her the care she needs and deserves. She's loved and visited regularly.

:hug:

aA

[JohnnyLib2]

20. frankly_fedup2, can we please hear from you again?

Finding your post yesterday actually helped with my holiday funk, somehow.

[frankly_fedup2]

22. LOL. Now that's funny. I have to say "WOW" that is the most posts

I have ever gotten on DU but, of course, it wasn't a political subject, it is my life. Thank you all . . . thank you all so much.

To be 100% honest, I feel as if I'm being punished. You see, my mother was never a real mother to me nor my sister. We were always in her way. She treated my dad like crap his whole life but he must of loved her. She verbally abused him from the moment I have any memory. My dad was a big man (he weighed around 250 when he died . . . my mother around 120). I am having to show compassion to a woman who has never given a single human being a moment of compassion. Even as a child, she never has had a friend. My father and mother talked about her having a friend in high school but that was it. She never had a friend in her life. If it were not for my father, my sister nor I would have been allowed to leave the house. She wanted us there to help clean, cook, sew, iron (mostly clean and do dishes), whatever needed to be done. As soon as we were 18, we moved out. My sister off to college and I got married as a way to escape. That was the wrong road to take.

The last ten years, my father's health had been waxing and waning but he never complained. There was no point because he was always a lazy SOB to her. Now it's "God bless his soul, etc." The last months of his life she was accusing a 77-year-old man of going to a neighbor's house every night to lay with whores. She never saw the cars, never saw the women; however, the whole neighborhood has been talking about it (according to her). Plus my dad was on 24/7 oxygen. He had to constantly defend himself for several months; however, I did not know about this until after he was dead. Yes, I blame her for pushing him too hard.

My father always had told me he never wanted to be buried in the ground so we assumed he had purchased a mausoleum for my mother and himself. Well, he had $5,000.00 life insurance and that paid for the funeral; however, there were no plots, mausoleum, etc. I turned to my sister and told her what dad had said and asked her if she could split the cost of the mausoleum for daddy. She and I bought him a mausoleum and, of course, bought the one right beside his for our mother. One day my mother and I were driving out to the mausoleum and you have to have a key to get in. She swears no one has ever given her a key (which is bull). I had mine and under her breath I heard her say, "You have no business out here while everyone else is in the ground." I just looked at her. It didn't cost her anything but she has to bitch about something.

Since the day my dad has died, she has accused him of the most horrible things that he could not even do. We finally got her to go to the doctor and he told her that due to my dad's prostate cancer, radiation, and lack of Viagra, it was something "He could not do, would not do, and did not do." She wouldn't shut up long enough to listen to him and then after a day or so of nothing to bitch about, suddenly the doctor was an SOB.

She is what some people would call a "toxic personality" and has been her whole life. Now I am stuck with this person because it is expected of me to take care of her while she continues to trash my father, his memory, and then talks about how he would sit at the bottom of her bed and just stare at her lovingly while she slept. GOD! Gotta go I'm hyperventilating and I've got to find a bag before a full blown panic attacj.,

[Lydia Leftcoast]

23. "Toxic" is an understatement!

You definitely need some respite, so you can put her in the hands of someone who isn't emotionally involved for at least part of the day.

[SPKrazy]

24. Sorry About Your Dad

I've had similar anger and all since my mother died last year

:hug: :hug: :hug: