I am so angry at fundamentalist christians right now I don't know what to do

[mcctatas]

Last week Thursday, my ex-husband took his own life. Our marriage had become a nightmare before I left him almost 18 months ago, but some of it was related to his untreated mental illness and substance abuse. Before I left him, I begged his parents to help me get him the help he needed, they are fundies (CCCC) and their solution was to shun me and tell him he needed to get right with the lord. I had taken care of him for years, he was a broken man, a sick man and I couldn't do it anymore. He thought there were people listening to us through our TV, he was convinced every hardship we endured was the part of some grand conspiracy, he wouldn't get the help he needed and they saw his illness as a character flaw, some sin against God. Last night, I took our three children to his funeral, they truthfully only mentioned his name once in the entire service, there were no memories of him shared by his friends and loved ones, the letter our 7 year old wrote to his daddy was nowhere to be seen and our children were not acknowledged at all. I can't help but think that the rigid belief system of his parents church contributed to his deteriorating mental health, after all, you can't cure sin with medication, only prayer does that and since his illness was a sin and a weakness to them, he got what he deserved. I know it may seem as if I am looking for a scapegoat, I failed him too by leaving, but how can I get over this rage and horror, I am at a loss

[Manifestor_of_Light]

1. They believe in demons. We believe in science and medicine.

I'm so sorry for you. :hug:

[grasswire]

2. I care.

And I'm so sorry.

I know that DU members will come through with wise words and advice for you, and always be here to listen.

All I can say is that this must be the worst part of the process, and there will be a better day. Take care of yourself as well as you can.

[notadmblnd]

3. Let it go

you're not responsible for his behavior. Nor are you responsible for his parents. Anger won't change a thing now and the only one it will hurt is you. Religion screws people up. You're husband was sick and his screwed up parents are so blinded by their religion that they couldn't see that. Take control over the things you have the power to, like limiting religious interaction between your children and grandparents along with a Church and above all, forgive yourself.

[Scuba]

7. +1

[KT2000]

4. I am so sorry

what a sad situation.
Mental illness can create impossible problems - sometimes there just are not any good answers.
I hope you can find peace as time passes.

[county worker]

5. I don't think you failed him. I had a similar situation. I had a clinical depression that lasted a

number of years. My in-laws were not religious but they told me to snap out of it and that I knew what I needed to do. I'm pretty sure they were telling my wife to leave me. I did not believe in medical treatment for mental illness either taking the lead from all the people who told me about "happy pills" and the dangers of anti depressants. I did not know what to do and neither did my wife. I was finally placed in a safe house type of environment so I would not kill myself. What I learned is that none of us is prepared to deal with this and we are not to blame for how we react out of desperation.

I finally got professional help and take meds. My marriage is pretty good now but it could have gone the other way. We now understand that I have a disability not character defects.

You did what you could and do not blame yourself. It will take years to feel better but you will.

[stuball111]

6. I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through...

And this is an all too common thread that runs through fundamentalist religions. I am afraid they are the ones with the serious problem, and it's sad to see people so far in denial that they cause so much pain without realizing it. Don't blame yourself for any of this either. You held on as long as you could by the sound of it. It's not easy living with a person who has mental illness, and you could not have done anything more than you did.
I had a similar marriage, with a woman with mental problems, and so did a friends of mine. We talked about it a lot and he broke down over guilt for having to leave, and I told him he did all he could, and beyond. I sometimes feel like I could have done more for my ex too, but when I look past guilt, I see that I did not have the power.
Their warped version of spirituality is a sickness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Take your family way and learn from this and find happiness. It sounds like their rigid belief did contribute to his end, and them saying he "got what he deserved" is callous and further proof that they are extremely sick.
Know this though, each and every one of them is secretly being eaten alive with guilt and fear over what they have done, or didn't do, to help. How do I know this? Because love is more powerful than fear, and deep down inside, they know they could have helped him, but relied on the fear they have been taught in the form of religion to deny his condition. Grieve and find peace....

[get the red out]

8. You could not control this

You could not have cured his substance abuse or his mental illness. He died from illnesses that extremist religion would not permit to be treated. In the end, as sick as he was, he was an adult and you could not control his getting help. I am so sorry for your loss. Fundamentalist Christianity is a horrible blot on our society, it destroys lives daily. The only thing we can do as conscious human beings is to drum into those around us that mental illness is brain disease, and religion can't cure that anymore than it can reverse diabetes or heart disease. The brain is a part of the body.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

9. what would be better? For you to have stuck with it, and see your life destroyed along with his?

Or to do what you did, stop trying to fix someone who was unable to come along on your path, and go on with what you know is better, healthier, happier for you?

Very sad indeed, that his family is that way. Definitely, rigid ideologies of fear and exclusivity are damaging, and should be avoided. My opinion is, you are being VERY wise in distancing yourself from their sickness. That's enough to hold onto for now, when you think those negative thoughts and feel lost.

Later, you'll appreciate how you acted on what you know is best for all.

:hug: :grouphug:

[BurtWorm]

10. You get over it by talking and writing about it as you're doing.

You're doing the right thing. You will get through it stronger and wiser. So keep doing what you're doing. (In my humble opinion, I hasten to add.)

[raccoon]

11. I'm glad you took care of yourself by leaving him. No, you didn't fail him. Sounds like you did

the best you could.

Sorry the funeral was so bad for you and your children.


:hug:

[yowzayowzayowza]

12. You did not fail him; his mind did.

I was about 10 when my father divorced my schizophrenic mother. I was thankful for his action then and now. She was not in any condition to fill any role in a household. Sounds like you dealt with the situation for a considerable time, so move on and focus on your children. You protected 'em as best you could. In due course of time they will understand. My condolences.

[rug]

13. The mental illness is more likely the result of physical causes.

[Laura902]

14. I'm so sorry for your loss n/t

[laconicsax]

15. It's not your fault--don't let anyone tell you it is. n/t

[beam me up scottie]

16. You spared your children the guilt and angst you will feel for the rest of your life.

You did not fail your ex-husband, you saved yourself and your children.

My mother was severely and chronically depressed, when I was 13 she went off the deep end and tried to commit suicide. She did this in front of me, while my father was at work.

Later she told my dad it was my fault, I drove her to it.

Unfortunately my mom never got the help that she needed, her suffering finally ended when she died at 60.

Mine will go on forever.



Your husband may not have killed himself if you had stayed, but your kids would have paid the price.

You are a mother first, and a damn good one.

I am sorry for your loss but you did the only thing you could.

My advice: move as far away from his family as possible and talk to your children about their father's illness, never stop talking to them and never stop listening, they need to know this was not their fault either.

[redqueen]

17. You absolutely did not fail him.

You have your two children to protect, and you did the best you could under the circumstances. You're no licensed psychiatrist, leaving a patient who needed your help. You tried to get him help, you tried to get help from others - to get him the help he needed. You did all you could.

No, you're not looking for a scapegoat, you're working through a horrible experience... I hope you and the kids can find some peace of mind somehow.

[Dorian Gray]

19. 100% agree

This is not OP's fault at all. It's a horribly sad situation, but the OP needs to protect self and children the best she can.

[struggle4progress]

18. Anger is a common part of grief.

Your in-laws and your children might also experience it -- and other confusing emotions as well -- as part of their grief

There is no magic cure for the painful grief everyone feels sometimes as part of the human condition

We can only try to face our own grief honestly, and to sympathize with the grief that others feel, however they express it, and hope some damage heals in time

[JerseygirlCT]

20. I'm so sorry for your loss - and in such a difficult way, too.

I certainly understand your anger - you'd be quite inhuman if you weren't feeling that. I'm concerned to read that you feel you failed him, though - from what I read you did everything you could do - staying there would not have changed his illness if he wasn't willing to seek the help he so needed.

I do not understand churches that operate this way - that preach loving and kindness and don't practice it at all. God isn't about hate and fear.

I hope you and your children are able to make some peace with a really rotten situation at some point.