An Immodest Proposal

[MineralMan]

Why don't we surprise the teabaggers and insist that all schoolchildren be forced to read the entire Bible, front to back, during their years in school. It might be the best answer for eliminated the influence of fundamentalist Christianity. They'd start with the Old Testament, of course, since you really have to read books in sequence.

First Grade Teacher: Today, students, we're going to talk about the story of Noah and his Ark. In that story, God got really, really angry with the humans on the planet, because they didn't do what He told them to, and decided to kill them all by drowning them. He would kill all the animals, too, from the kitty that sat on people's lap to the giant elephant. He wanted to start all over again, though, so the story says that He let one family build a big boat and live. They would have to take the animals with them on the boat. So the father of the family, Noah, built this huge boat, or so the story goes, loaded his family into it and two of all the animals. Then, God made it rain for days and days. All the people on Earth, according to the story, died, along will all the animals. Now, children, drowning is a terrible way to die, so people were screaming and crying. All the little children died, too, with their parents. But Noah and his family, along with the animals on the boat, the story says, were saved and started repopulating the planet.

So, students, does this make sense to you? Why would God create humans and animals, then kill them all, except for a few? What do you think? Does this sound like the right thing to do? Do you think such a thing even really happened? Or do you think this is just a story written to scare people? Hands, please...

[MineralMan]

1. Of course, that's just one day's lesson plan. After that,

we can move on to other stories. Children love stories. We can tell the one about Lot and Sodom and Gomorrah, and Lot's daughters. We can tell the one where God told his followers to bash the heads of children against the wall and kill everyone in one city. Then we can tell them about all the fun laws in Leviticus and what the punishments are for breaking them.

We could even make them memorize the genealogy of ancient times. It must be important, since it's in there. And, when it comes time for sex education, there's all that fun stuff about Kings doing interesting things with all their wives. And don't forget Solomon's Song, after all. It's full of good stuff.

There are just so many good stories in the Bible we could teach the kiddies.

[JNelson6563]

3. And one of my favorite tales of enlightenment...

The one about the she-bear that bible god sent in to rip some little kids apart for teasing an old man. Can't you just feel the love in that story??

Julie

[Goblinmonger]

8. They made fun of him because he was bald.

What do you expect? Can't expect to let the little shits get away with that, can you?

[DeSwiss]

11. The Bald Avenger

Kids love cartoons: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iNoM14t-ZM&feature=sub

[MineralMan]

12. Cool. Today, students, we're going to watch a video presentation

of a story from the Bible. Everyone watch the screen.

[Lost-in-FL]

19. Maybe some Aquina's Summa Theologica or St Augustine's Confessions...

I had the dis-pleassure of reading those. Great cure for insomniacs.

[Winterblues]

2. We especially need to teach how Cain went off and married a girl from another tribe..

:shrug:

[DeSwiss]

16. From a tribe that was......

...apparently created by some other god since Yahweh never mentioned these people having existed before. It was Adam, Eve, Cain and Abel. Until Cain killed Abel. So the world's population after this murder was 3.

So the way the bible works all this out is: (a) Cain gets rid of his animal barbecuing brother because he's the jealous pastoralist, (vegan farmer) type; (b) then he gets the girl and gets her pregnant and; (c) becomes a father who; (d) then builds a city and names it after his son Enoch. A city presumably full of people that we also don't have a clue where they came from.

And what of Abel? I mean Yahweh can create a man from dust, a woman from a rib bone; and even is son Jesus goes around reviving dead folks all the time. But Abel, nada. He's a goner.

- But hey we all know that Yahweh's not into details -- he's a BIG PICTURE guy.....

[uncommon]

4. I like this idea. Just read it - no preaching, no "interpretation" - just read the stories and

decide for yourselves if it sounds fulfilling or fucking terrifying, ridiculous, and not worth the paper it was printed on.

[Fumesucker]

5. The story of Lot and his family is most inspiring..

For once I agree with you MM..

[MineralMan]

10. Yah, Lot's daughters were the Britney Spears and Paris Hilton

of their day, I guess. Anything goes, it seems. Just don't break the rules or you're toast. And...what was the crime of those folks in Sodom and Gomorrah again? Oh, yeah, I remember. They were inhospitable to strangers. Well, that's certainly a capital crime, for sure. Execute 'em all, I say!

[dimbear]

17. Come on. That's a lowball estimate.

Inhospitable to strangers is a very mild way of putting "trying to rape angels."

I don't recommend that even today, in our relaxed moral atmosphere.

[BeFree]

6. Cool

Made me think of this:

THE BIBLE .... YEAR 5010

And so God made them build a space ship big enough to hold two of every animal on the planet, and when the 'hard rain' fell, the ship was launched and it circled space for 40 light years before coming back to a 'cleaned-up' planet.

Something to consider eh? History rhymes? Or repeats, or what?

[BeFree]

7. Marker to spot move, cause this could be fun, eh MM?

[MineralMan]

9. Yah, I should have just started it in Religion, I guess.

I saw it as a bit broader than that, though. Never mind. Here it is.

[DeSwiss]

13. K&R

But not only should the children be informed about the fact that Noah did all this when he was already 500 years old -- but that there were GIANTS in the land back in those days (which was the REAL REASON god was ticked-off since they were Nephilim created and sired from the Bad Angels who wouldn't listen to him anymore) and who god also wanted to drown and that it'll also depend upon which verse you read in Genesis to determine how many animals of each kind god told Noah to bring with him:

5:32 And Noah was five hundred years old: and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

6:4 There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.

6:19 And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.

7:2 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.
3 Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.

7:4 For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.

Oh yeah, and let's not forget that since "the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered" that god also had to save everyone for oxygen deprivation and from freezing to death since any waters that could cover the earth means it would have covered over a height greater than Mt. Everest -- for several weeks.

And also, god must have created the miracle of the animals not needing food and/or to shit because that would have been just nasty otherwise, and he also figured how to keep all the salt-water fishes from dying as their habitat became totally diluted with fresh rainwater.

And last but not least, god made all this water "go somewhere" (outer space most likely) in order to dry out the land.

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CccaGaKOlSI">Or they can just watch this cartoon about it.

[charlie]

14. You win the internets!

It did go into space... to the MOON:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmyofFeILtg#t=2m1s

[DeSwiss]

15. Yeah, I've actually.....

...seen that video by Thunderf00t. The man has way more patience in dealing with idiots than I ever would. Of course god failed to mention in the bible that he put the flood water on the moon when he got finished with it. You'd think he'd mention something so awesome because he does like to display his awesomeness quite a lot. Which would of course, never stop his scientifically-challenged apologists from stating that this is what he did. Funny how they never mentioned this until after science found ice on the moon, isn't it? But of course Yahweh's old and apparently forgets to write everything down, and even when he does he gets them all confused.

- And his apologists will contort their mouths and the laws of physics anyway that is necessary if it'll help them to hold on to their fairy tales......

[laconicsax]

18. Ah...the lunar bukake theory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiGeubgYLBg

[cleanhippie]

20. .