The funniest religious joke

[T_i_B]

According to this article the following joke is the funniest religious joke. And I have to say I found it quite funny myself.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/religion/Story/0,2763,1578374,00.html

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said: "Yes."

I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

[unrepuke]

1. Thank you, Emo Phillips! LOL

[Ian David]

2. I remember that one! I heard Emo Phillips do it.

The Wisdom Of Emo Phillips

The Wisdom Of Emo Phillips
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. -- Emo Phillips

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!" -- Emo Phillips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." -- Emo Phillips

The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil. -- Emo Phillips

More:
http://cmgm.stanford.edu/~lkozar/EmoPhillips.html

[Kolesar]

7. A whole page of Emo!

Who cares if it's raining and dark today !!

[Kolesar]

8. "When I was born, they threw away the mold!"

Some of it grew back

[ms liberty]

3. Good One!

Hey, I grew up Baptist, and live in a overwhelmingly Southern Baptist area of the South...and that is one of the funniest I've ever heard. Printing to pass around!

One of my favorite writers has one of her characters say this:

"Well, Peabody, you know what I always say...no one slaughters their co-religionists quite so cheerfully as a Christian!"

[Az]

4. An oldie: A guru at a baseball game orders a hotdog

He said, "Make me one with everything."

[Catbird]

6. Payment

The guru hands over a $20 bill and waits impatiently. The vendor explains "Change comes from within."

[TallahasseeGrannie]

5. The humor of truth! n/t

[Ian David]

9. Here's one I made up, based on a similar joke that wasn't religious

A Fundamentalist christian and his son are out on a boat fishing. The son asks his father, "Dad, how do fish breathe underwater?"

"Because god made them that way."

"Dad, how do birds fly?"

"Because god gave them the gift of flight."

"Dad, why is the sky blue?"

"Because that's the color god made it."

"Dad, do you mind that I ask you so many questions?"

"Of course, not! If you don't ask questions, how are you expected to learn anything!"

Here's more Humanist Humor:

Institute for Humanist Studies Humor Message Board
http://humaniststudies.org/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=220

Also, here:
Institute for Humanist Studies Newsletters
http://www.humaniststudies.org/enews/index.html?id=209


And here:
Humanist Humor
http://www.floridahumanist.org/humor/humor.htm

[TallahasseeGrannie]

10. Which is a great lead-in

to what I always say: "any church that has all the answers ISN'T ASKING ALL THE QUESTIONS!"

[catbert836]

11. ROFL

No doubt about it!

[CarbonDate]

12. Here's a pagan joke:

A pagan dies and floats up to the pearly gates of Heaven. As he approaches the gates, he encounters St. Peter, who checks the records.

"Okay, let's see.... oops, you're a pagan. You can't come in here. You have to go to Hell."

The pagan replies, "Right; off I go, then."

The pagan floats down and finds himself on a sandy beach greeted by a delightful chap who introduces himself as Satan and hands him a wonderful drink in a coconut.

As they talk, the pagan notes that Satan is a charming fellow and a stirring conversationalist; not at all like what he was portrayed to be in life. Everything is wonderful.

Suddenly, he looks up and sees someone falling out of the sky, screaming and on fire. The person falls into the water and disappears from sight.

The pagan looks inquisitively at Satan, who sighs and says, "Christians; they wouldn't have it any other way."

[anarch]

13. an old favorite of mine...

A Serious young man found the conflicts of modern life in America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.
One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "Go to the dilapidated mansion you will find at this address which I have written down for you. Do not speak to those who live there; you must remain silent until the moon rises tomorrow night. Go to the large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the lotus position on top of the rubble in the northeast corner, face the corner, and meditate."
He did as the Zen Master instructed. His meditation was frequently interrupted by worries. He worried whether or not the rest of the plumbing fixtures would fall from the second floor bathroom to join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on. He worried how would he know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about what the people who walked through the room said about him.
His worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of faith, ordure fell from the second floor onto him. At that time two people walked into the room. The first asked the second who the man sitting there was. The second replied "Some say he is a holy man, Others say he is a shithead."
Hearing this, the man was enlightened.