Interview with Satan: “Breast Ironing” Widespread in Christian Cameroon

[mickeymystro]

Interview with Satan: “Breast Ironing” Widespread in Christian Cameroon


Reporting Exclusively from the Gates of Hell - Mickey Mystro…

Mystro: Good morning, Satan.

Satan: Good morning, Mickey.

Mystro: According to a report on CNN yesterday, mothers in the African nation of Cameroon iron the breasts of their young daughters with heated stones in order to make them less sexually attractive to potential rapists. According to the report, these stones, which are heated in fires and then pressed against the breasts of young girls, serve to destroy the breasts in order to protect the honor of young women.

Satan: Yeah, and this practice is more widespread in Christian parts of southern Cameroon than in the Muslim north. This procedure not only results in tremendous physical damage to young girls, but it leaves obvious life-long emotional scars.

Mystro: Yes, but is it not true that, even in the wake of such evil, these young women can take comfort in knowing that their lives are still part of a perfect plan put in place by God, and that regardless of the pain and suffering they endure, they can always know that God’s perfect plan for their lives is still in place? Especially for Christian women who have endured this procedure?

Satan: You call that a “perfect plan”?!? That plan SUCKS! A drunken monkey on crack could come up with a better plan then that! If this is the best plan that God can come up with, then it demonstrates a monumental level of incompetence on His part. You humans really should expect more from your deities!

Mystro: Isn’t the point here that young girls should take solace in the knowledge that God is always in control even when such acts of evil occur?

Satan: OK, Mickey, I am going to attempt the impossible. I am going to suggest an improvement to God’s alleged perfect plan. Now, this should be impossible, of course, but I am going to tweak just a tad. You ready? Here goes: In my version of the plan (drum roll please – ratta tatta tatta tatta…) YOUNG GIRLS DON’T GET THEIR BREASTS IRONED!

Mystro: It does sound like an improvement…

Satan: Of course it is an improvement. And really, in the real world, any plan that could affect the lives of hundreds or thousands of people would be submitted for management approval before implementation. Who is God’s supervisor? Why are His plans not being reviewed? Any moron could tell that God’s breast-ironing plan would benefit from minor revisions. Even Kenneth Lay would nix this plan!

Mystro: Yes, but according to the Bible, in Jeremiah 29:10-11, “’I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”

Satan: This is prosperity?!? More hollow words have never been spoken. If any young girl in Cameroon had ever read these words prior to having her breasts ironed, she would quickly learn that she could receive more reliable promises from a box of Cheerios!

Mystro: Then why do people believe these promises - promises of God’s perfect plan in their lives?

Satan: The real evil here is the evil of superstitious thought. Superstitious thought completely obliterates the capacity for reason. Any seven year-old child could tell that this plan of God’s leaves something to be desired, but humans accept such explanations because they have lost the ability to make rational judgments about the world around them. God’s mediocrity is accepted as representing perfection. God should not be worshipped for His planning abilities. - God should be reprimanded.

Reporting exclusively from the Gates of Hell: Mystro Mystro.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/africa/07/07/cameroon.breastironing.reut/index.html

/satire

[xchrom]

1. yes there are christians -- who believe in a magic god.

then there are christians who do not.

so in this case -- satan speaks for christians who do not believe in a magic god.

[China_cat]

2. Did Satan forget

that he's the 4th arm in the christian trinity?

[neebob]

3. Hmmm.

I'm just guessing, but if mothers in Cameroon are ironing their daughters' breasts, it's probably because there's a rape problem and they don't understand that rape isn't about sexual attraction.

What does God's perfect plan have to do with it? It appears to me that you, the reporter, have introduced that. Cute premise, though.

[mickeymystro]

7. Question of Evil

I think the larger question here is how we explain away evil acts committed against innocent children. Satan's point is that people frequently claim that even Satan cannot act outside of God's overacting power. This provides comfort for many people.

The next time I talk to Satan I am going to ask him about guardian angels. I want to know where these angles are when terrible acts of evil are committed against children. Do they see what goes on? Why don't they act to protect these children? Should be interesting.

The Mick

[neebob]

9. I wouldn't call it evil -

more like wrongful and misguided. The evil is what these mothers are trying to ward off, in their wrongful misguided way. And you didn't answer my question. Good non-answer, though. I enjoy your humor.

[JNelson6563]

13. As a child I often wondered

where our guardian angels were when we were subjected to horrible things. I could never believe such a thing existed becasue of that.

Julie

[TallahasseeGrannie]

4. Let me get this straight now

I'm supposed to take advice from Satan when he tells me "the real evil here is the evil of superstitious thought"?

I think if these were the words of Satan, the Great Liar, I'd be more inclined to believe the opposite.

There is no question that folks do strange things for strange reasons. Personally, I have been a Christian for half a century and have never had my breasts ironed, known anyone who irons breasts, nor anyone who has ever had their breasts ironed.

I would say that Cameroon folks have some work to do with their gender equality issues. Rape is about power.

[mickeymystro]

8. Unprotected Children

I agree with just about everything you said. And I think it is fortunate that you (and I) have never had our breasts ironed. The problem here is that young girls are subjected to these kinds of horrors every day around the world. They are sold into sexual slavery, have their genitals mutilated, and have their lips cut off just for belonging to the wrong tribe. I am saddened by the fact that I cannot personally protect every child from these evils. But others would claim that God and his angels offer their protection. This protection appears to be imaginary - just ask the disfigured girls of Cameroon.

Children all around the world swim in dangerous seas of evil with nobody to take care of them. I would like to think that God would have their backsides, but this does not seem to be the case.

The Mick

[TallahasseeGrannie]

12. No, we are definitely

on our own down here.

[bluesbassman]

5. Nice satire mickey....

From the article, "Breast ironing" -- the use of hard or heated objects or other substances to try to stunt breast growth in girls -- is a traditional practice in West Africa, experts say.

Glad you put the satire tag at the end of your post. We wouoldn't want people to think you were trying to somehow tie this traditional West African practice with belief in God or with Christianity now, would we?

[varkam]

6. Oy.

Good satire, but I didn't know about the breast burning.

Oy.

[Rabrrrrrr]

10. Wow - good job at mispresenting the entire situation and the article.

:applause:

That's some revisionist methodology worthy of Karl Rove or any other lying propagandist.

:applause:

[NMMNG]

11. Breast ironing is an abominable practice

But I honestly can't see the connection to Christianity. :shrug: