How Big Ben Spent His Suspension

[joeybee12]

How Big Ben Spent His SuspensionBen Roethlisberger is returning to football after an NFL-imposed four-game ban. Here's how he spent his time off:

Court-ordered "wistful staring" three times a day

Visited the Sunrise Retirement Center, where he put in some charity work and occasionally fingered one of the nurses

Learned to throw left-handed

Worked with NFL-appointed sensitivity coach Judith Barnes; Roethlisberger practiced, for only an hour at first, and eventually for four hours, not raping her

Finally had time to read À la recherche du temps perdu

Every Friday, headed down to Dime Bar, the only place in town where he can expose himself and get kicked out in peace

Stopped by the farmers market every morning to laugh at the gourds

Pretty much slept, really

http://www.theonion.com/articles/how-big-ben-spent-his-suspension,18186/