XLII things to expect on Super Bowl Sunday

[underpants]

1. After the game, Tom Brady will receive another marriage proposal — from Robert Kraft.

2. At halftime, security will be given instructions to keep Justin Timberlake away from Tom Petty’s nipples.

3. The Mannings — Archie, Peyton and Eli — will be presented with a special award commemorating the fact that they have now endorsed every product ever produced since time began.

4. During the postgame celebration, Randy Moss will be told he can have his extension. He will then ask, “Contract or restraining order?”

5. Bill Belichick will refuse to disclose whether he will use a Canon or Nikon spy camera during the game.

6. Gisele Bundchen and Abby McGrew will meet and chat and discover that they have absolutely nothing in common except the fact that they’re both dating Super Bowl quarterbacks.

7. The 1972 Miami Dolphins will be unhappy after the Patriots go undefeated, but they’ll pop champagne anyway because they have nothing else to do these days except drink.

8. Michael Strahan will have no impact on the game whatsoever, but he’ll make it sound later as if he should have been named MVP.

9. Tom Brady will be named Super Bowl MVP, but he’ll decline the trophy, explaining, “I don’t have any more room for it.”

10. Tiki Barber will try to use the fact that Eli Manning wasn’t able to lead the underdog Giants to a history-making upset of the unbeaten Pats as evidence that he was right about Eli all along.

11. Wes Welker will catch everything that is thrown to him, but will be denied access to the Patriots’ postgame lockerroom because security guards will refuse to believe he’s with the team.

12. Rodney Harrison will become the first player in Super Bowl history to be accused of a dirty hit during pregame warm-ups.

13. Brett Favre will be interviewed during the game and announce that he isn’t ready to make an announcement.

14. Brady and Giselle will agree to meet at her apartment in New York City after the Patriots win to have a little “Super Tuesday” of their own.

15. At one point early on, the officials will stop the game and huddle to discuss the issue, “What the heck kind of a name is Plaxico?”

16. What appears to be another racy GoDaddy.com Super Bowl television commercial turns out instead to be a short documentary on Pacman Jones.

17. Most TV analysts dismiss the Giants and give them no chance at all of pulling an upset, until they are reminded that Jeremy Shockey is not with the team.

18. The local Phoenix utilities company reports a massive disruption in service that threatens the game as the result of talk radio shows from across the country all unplugging at the same time at the league’s media headquarters.

19. Junior Seau will admit to his teammates during a pregame meeting that it isn’t right for a 39-year-old man to go by the name “Junior.”

20. Tom Coughlin will use a photo of his face from the NFC title game in Green Bay to remind his players about red-zone efficiency.

21. Jessica Simpson will attend the game wearing a specially designed jersey with Patriots’ colors and No. 12 on the front and Giants’ colors and No. 10 on the back. She will then be asked to leave by both teams.

22. The Giants will make a formal request to Tom Petty that he please play “I Won’t Back Down” instead of “Free Fallin’.”

23. Commissioner Roger Goodell will slip up during postgame ceremonies and refer to Bill Belichick as “Hoodie Boy.”

24. Randy Moss will catch everything that is thrown to him. But because he will be double-teamed, only one pass will be thrown to him.

25. Pregame introductions will take so long, they will have an intermission.

26. Because the Super Bowl will be held at University of Phoenix Stadium, everyone in attendance will receive a free online degree.


27. Matt Leinart will arrive for the game accompanied by Wilmer Valdarrama, Nick Lachey and Danny Masterson but will be denied entry and told at the gate, “Sorry, sir. We don’t have a C list.”

28. Daniel Snyder, disguised in a referee’s uniform, will be whisked away by security after he attempts to interview both Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlin for the Redskins’ head coaching position.

29. Deion Sanders will question why LaDainian Tomlinson isn’t in the game until he’s informed that he isn’t a member of either team.


30. In the Giants’ owner’s luxury box, a member of the team’s hierarchy will tell the bartender, “I’ll have a brewski,” and as a result the team will be charged by the league with tampering.

31. Several Giants defenders will sack Tom Brady at once. When the officials pull apart the pile, they will discover that Brady is missing. But soon they will locate him wedged in the gap in Michael Strahan’s teeth.

32. The NFL will ask the Air Force if they would mind trailing advertising banners behind their jets during the pre-game flyover.

33. Steve Smith of the Giants will be referred to as a young Wes Welker.

34. The best Super Bowl commercial will be the one with a cute real-life or animated animal. And there is a 50-50 chance it will also feature Peyton Manning.

35. Don Shula will be turned away after he tries to enter the stadium carrying a large sign with an asterisk on it.

36. Tony Romo will be seen walking outside the stadium wearing a sandwich board promoting the Mexican tourism bureau that says, “I went South during the playoffs. Why don’t you?”

37. “American Idol” winner Jordin Sparks will sing the national anthem. Fox will then defend itself from charges that it will do just about anything for a ratings bump by saying, “Well, at least we didn’t get somebody from ‘America’s Most Wanted.’

38. Joe Buck and Troy Aikman, two level-headed broadcasters with experience and wisdom who offer reasonable opinions and analysis, will call the game. Fox officials will hold an emergency staff meeting to discuss how something like that could be allowed to happen.

39. The good news is that the massive amount of beer consumption across the nation during the Super Bowl will provide a much-needed boost to our ailing economy. The bad news is that most beer drinkers paid for all that beer by taking out more subprime loans.

40. Jon Corzine, the governor of New Jersey, will offers 100 pounds of fresh Garden State tomatoes in his traditional wager on the Giants with his Massachusetts counterpart. Deval L. Patrick, governor of Massachusetts, will counter by saying, “How about 10 million bucks?”

41. Because Fox will want to recoup some of the losses it incurred because of the writers’ strike by selling extra commercial time, the game will last until Valentine’s Day.

42. The first question out of a network interviewer’s mouth to either Tom Brady or Bill Belichick: “Can you repeat undefeated?”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22924815/