Do you get asked this a lot? (How annoying is this?)

[elshiva]

Just talked with my therapist about being gay and she asked me something like "Do you say this because you have had experiences with it or because you feel that way?" Then added, "I don't think you can say whether or not if you don't have experiences."

I hate that! No therapist would talk to a heterosexual that way! Does this ever happen to you? How do you respond?

Thanks!
'

[King Coal]

1. I don't understand your beef.

[skypilot]

3. The therapist is asking her....

...if she has confirmed her homosexuality by actually sleeping with another woman. No one asks a heterosexual virgin whether or not he or she is sure of their sexuality because they haven't slept with a member of the opposite sex. It is just assumed that if they think they are hetero then they are--even if they haven't had any sexual experiences.

[King Coal]

5. Thanks. I understand now.

[elshiva]

6. Thanks for explaining it better! I am hopelessly shy about such words!

[skypilot]

9. No problem.

I'm not shy at all. :)

[candy]

2. Get a new therapist,and fast!

[elshiva]

7. Why? She is ok with me being gay...

Just fairly clueless sometimes, but sweet!

[candy]

11. Well a clueless but sweet therapist would not be my choice.

The question she asked you was strange,to say the least.

If I'm paying someone for their help and advice I definitely don't want clueless.

[elshiva]

21. Yes, but she is not clueless about most things.

[foreigncorrespondent]

30. Maybe not...

...but she is clueless about the person you are, and honey, that can be a dangerous situation.

[foreigncorrespondent]

29. You don't want someone...

...who is clueless but sweet. You want someone who understands that being gay isn't a choice, and certainly isn't about sleeping with someone to find out.

I was seeing a therapist a few years ago who was helping me through a bout of depression (when you are forced to live in separate countries from the one you love, depression happens quite often.) Anyway this guy was great. I told him I was a lesbian and he did not blink an eye. In stead we got to talking about the political climate against the LGBTIQQ people the world over.

You posted here, you said it annoys you, yet you are now defending the therapist when told to get a new one? That is what I don't understand.

If I was ever asked that question from a therapist, I would bloody well get up and walk out the door, because asking a question like that shows me that that therapist has no idea about what being gay is all about.

[Spinzonner]

4. So there's no difference between thinking and doing ?

Frankly it seems a like a labelling argument and sexuality goes beyond acts to attraction.

But there may be an issue if the attraction isn't acted upon.

[elshiva]

8. Sorry, I don't understand your post.

Sexuality is not just about having sex. Attraction is part of sexuality. I actually almost had sex with another woman but I did not because...that's a long story!

[Spinzonner]

10. Of course it's not

But having attractions that are not (Never?) acted upon raises questions about ones feelings about sex and potentially about sexual choices.

In suggesting that perhaps your deeds don't match your (self) labelling, she might be raising the question as to whether you're really completely comfortable with the asserted choice.

[elshiva]

14. Hmmm. More like I am too ugly to attract others, really.

Again, I came close, but we both chickened out because we were in a group home and afraid to get caught. In the end it was ok, because she was just using me.

[foreigncorrespondent]

31. Why are you insulting yourself?

Why do you say you are too ugly to attract anyone? Honey, there is no such thing as an ugly person, unless of course you are a religious fundamentalist bigot, or a bigot in general.

Ugliness is on the inside, not on the exterior.

[elshiva]

32. Thank you, hon.

Just feeling ugly nowadays.

[foreigncorrespondent]

33. Well I certainly understand that.

We all go through our ugly periods! But just remember, you aren't a fundie or a bush*bot, so you have nothing to worry about. :)

[elshiva]

34. Thanks! No, I ain't a fundie, I may be religious but I ain't a fundie!

;)

[foreigncorrespondent]

35. Well there is a huge difference...

...between being religious and being a fundie. :)

[elshiva]

36. Yes, 'tis true!

Sometimes I worry some one would mistake me for a fundie by my sig line...IF they ONLY read the Bible quote. Of "I Support of the gay agenda" gives it away, though...LOL!

[davidinalameda]

12. run and run fast

this person is unqualified

[DURHAM D]

13. Not necessarily. I know several women that are attracted to

other women but are unable to act on it. I am talking about years and years of inability to act. The problem is not with their gender preference - that is all to clear. Their problems are way, way deeper than preference.

I believe the term for these female friendships with no actual sexual contact beyond affection is "Boston Marriage". Don't know where the term comes from.

[elshiva]

16. It depends on the relationship. For me, sex is less important than

actually being with another person and talking.

[davidinalameda]

26. Boston marriage is from the 1800s

http://www.celebratefriendship.org/boston.htm

[DURHAM D]

27. Interesting article - thanks for posting.

Spec. the part about current term of lesbian bed dead. I hear it used to refer to relationships that were once sexual but over a period of time cease to be so vs. never were sexual (Bostom Marriage).

[davidinalameda]

28. isn't that any marriage

boston or otherwise?

:bounce:

[Dogmudgeon]

15. Annoying, but probably necessary

(Note: Quotation marks are used in this post to indicate loaded words, not irony or sarcasm.)

A lot of people who are struggling with sexual identity may simply be misunderstanding something as simple as a single word -- like the word "homosexuality". A lot of "straights" have experimented with "gay sex", and many of them come to believe that they are gay, no matter how strongly they are attracted to members of the opposite sex. And it drives some of them nuts. When you believe one (erroneous) thing and feel another, trouble is bound to happen. Homophobia is not required.

The confusion comes from the common (mis)understanding of what "gay" and "homosexual" mean. Gay people are gay because they are attracted to and fall in love with people of their own gender, and that it's the "opposite" gender for "heterosexuals" or "straights". But straight society teaches us that it's all about sex and sexual "mechanics".

From what I know of the issue, the gay community has pretty well accepted love/attraction as the definition, but most straights are confused, mainly from thinking that sexual orientation comes solely from sexual acts. And that's why a shrink will ask that question. Such "problems" are easy to cure, whether the person really is gay, or simply a confused straight (and in rare cases, a confused gay). Straights encounter this problem far more often than gays. So when the shrink poses the question, it immediately goes to the heart of the problem for the confused.

There is also the situation where the shrink is confused about sexual identity issues. In that case, it's mainly a matter of being dumb, not bigoted, and a gay patient can use it as an opportunity to educate the counselor AND discuss problems arising from their orientation (and probably, mainly how society treats them).

Anyway, that's how I have come to see it. If I have erred, feel free to criticize, analyze, or enlighten.

--p!

[elshiva]

18. Thanks! I don't know exactly where she comes from here.

Basically, I am bisexual, but mostly have had meaningful relationships with other women and mostly attracted to other women. The point is that I go with women for a little while but don't get to the sex part. I like to get to know someone before that, but it does not work out.

[DURHAM D]

23. Seems like you might have some issues to work out- I think

you should stay with this therapist.

[elshiva]

24. Yes! I have a lot of issues and different disorders.

[TomClash]

17. Thinking about it another way . . .

. . . maybe she was coming on to you.

[elshiva]

19. LOL! No way! She's old enough to be my mother! Nothing wrong

with that, but really! hheehee!

[Zhade]

20. I have a friend who is dating a woman. She doesn't care about sex.

Totally indifferent to it. She is attracted to women as much as men, she just doesn't really think about sex. Would your therapist consider her not a bisexual?

If so, I'd consider the therapist utterly unqualified.

As for me, to avoid that question I went out and had a gay threesome with two very close friends! (That's a joke - no one ever asks me that question.)

[elshiva]

22. hahhaah!

:rofl: Thanks!

[Zhade]

25. Hey, you're welcome!

You'd be surprised how often my sex life is a joke!

:evilgrin: