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Edited on Sun Feb-22-09 06:39 PM by Jamastiene
no matter where I go, animals KNOW me right away. When we were literally moving here...and by that, I mean I came, I saw, I wanted, I signed the contract with the man, and started moving in ASAP...I moved all my punk junk, my computer, my rock collection, my guitars, books, and videos, and other assorted possessions into the place pronto. I don't even think they had turned the electricity on yet.
The very first day, while we were moving in, several of the neighborhood dogs, a raccoon, several of the neighborhood cats, a rabbit, a possum, and as always here, the bees, met me in the yard. They all sat around looking for me like they were saying, "What took you so long?" I had been eyeballing the place since the first day were were evicted from my childhood home because my aunt quit paying the mortgage and didn't tell anybody then smacked me in the back of the head with a hammer in a failed murder attempt(that was loud and bloody, so the old neighborhood was probably glad to see us go). Somehow, in between homelessness and living with my mom and step dad, it worked out that we drove by this place a lot just in ordinary everyday life. I always looked at it.
My step dad could not believe I liked it. He said it was a dump, but I fell in love with this hovel surrounded by triffids and couldn't stop thinking about it. My step dad informed me that it was a dump, time and again, but I loved it. Then, before it went up for sale, someone broke into it with a screwdriver. Then, my step dad informed me it was insecure AND a dump.
Then, I talked him into stopping and letting me take a look around. Their was a bird's nest over the front door porch light with loads of purple poop right under it.
My step dad informed me that I would have bird shit in my hair all the time AND the place was insecure AND it was a dump.
It had just rained, so the clay was slimier and redder than normal.
My step dad informed me that I would spend most of my time scraping clay off my shoes, sloshing around in clay, mopping my floors because of slimy red clay AND I would have bird shit in my hair all the time AND the place was insecure AND it was a dump.
We sloshed around in the clay (pissing my mother off later when we came traipsing home) to the back yard. While we were looking, the "tongue," which had loose underpinning, started wiggling. Out came a cat and two kittens.
My step dad informed me that the place was infested with strays, I would spend most of my time scraping clay off my shoes, sloshing around in clay, mopping my floors because of slimy red clay AND I would have bird shit in my hair all the time AND the place was insecure AND it was a dump.
But before I could speak to the cat and her two kittens that day, fire ants stung me for the first time and I screamed and learned to watch where I stand in this yard.
My step dad informed me that the place was infested with fire ants, strays, I would spend most of my time scraping clay off my shoes, sloshing around in clay, mopping my floors because of slimy red clay AND I would have bird shit in my hair all the time AND the place was insecure AND it was a dump.
We looked around at the jungle that is my back yard some more and noticed everything had thorns and looked like something from a Stephen King movie.
My step dad informed me that the place was infested with triffids, thorns, fire ants, strays, that I would spend most of my time scraping clay off my shoes, sloshing around in clay, mopping my floors because of slimy red clay AND I would have bird shit in my hair all the time AND the place was insecure AND it was a dump.
We came inside and looked. Rats and their leavings were everywhere.
My step dad informed me that the place was infested with rats, triffids, thorns, fire ants, strays, that I would spend most of my time scraping clay off my shoes, sloshing around in clay, mopping my floors because of slimy red clay AND I would have bird shit in my hair all the time AND the place was insecure AND it was a dump AND it smelled funny.
There were assorted unfinished painted areas everywhere. I noticed the built in bookcase, the cathedral ceiling, and the view of the jungle out the back window and all the wysteria everywhere.
Then, I saw the garden tub. OMG, behold the plastic garden tub! I was in Heaven when I saw that and I knew I was home.
My step dad informed me that the place was infested with rats, triffids, thorns, fire ants, strays, that I would spend most of my time scraping clay off my shoes, sloshing around in clay, mopping my floors because of slimy red clay AND I would have bird shit in my hair all the time AND the place was insecure AND it was a dump AND it smelled funny AND that the triffids and the wysteria would eventually come and get me.
While I was moving that first day, I was deciding what to bring inside first and I felt the tap tap tap of wagging tail on my calf. I looked down and there stood a dog. I spoke to it. Over the course of that first day, the possum, rabbit, and raccoon just sort of looked at me. The cats meowed to me. It was my welcoming committee.
I've always kept a compost pile too. I love the entire process of how composting works. I kept a compost pile here too with the full intention to use it as garden loam...
...until something happened in my yard that changed my mind forever.
One day, I was admiring the tangled wall of wysteria, triffids, and poison oak on the line in between my neighbor up the hill's yard and my jungle. I was so happy to have that natural fence to hide the fact that I have redneck deer piss wearing neighbors.
My eye caught this small patch of gray on the ground. I thought it was probably some kind of gray alien moss or something. Everything in this yard is alien. So, of course! It had to be some kind of gray alien moss.
The next day, the gray patch got bigger. Hmm?
The next day, it got bigger and seemed to be headed closer and closer. :wtf:
I went out and inspected it closer.
zOMG, it was used TP.
The sewage pipes in this village were installed in 1920. For real. They were terracotta pipes that attached one after another and they were only buried about 2 inches below surface level.
Somehow, the neighbor's shit pipe had been broken, as terracotta is known to do.
That was an ordeal I will never forget.
This time the tap tap tap was my pristine, pearly white, hairless (mostly), never been dragged knuckles on the neighbor's door. First, the deer piss reeking redneck neighbor said my landlord broke the pipe with a bulldozer. I could tell then that this ordeal was going to get even nastier.
Meanwhile, my aunt called me and informed me that she saw a tampon float out into the gray matter while she was watching it through her binoculars. The appearance, growth, and spread of the gray matter in my yard was an all day event and she had front row seats at her bedroom window. There was nothing on TV anyhow. So, she had taken out her binoculars to investigate the gray matter closer too.
This news came to me while I was still standing on my neighbor's front porch and it was AFTER I had informed the neighbors that everything they flushed was running into my yard and toward my hovel.
When she told me that, I got pissed off and the 6,322nd round and round of Jama vs. the rednecks began. It was another shitty day in Richmond County. Why not have another go round with the rednecks some more?
After I got that news, I squinted my mean, fiery, "I'm pissed now, have some death rays" eyes at the stinky redneck neighbor and informed him in one breath that shit and tampons might flow downhill, but the catapult I was going to build and aim at his pickup truck door would fire his leavings back at him UPHILL AND WITH PRECISION every time he stepped out his door and that he best get busy redirecting his leavings elsewhere besides toward my hovel.
That is when my step dad realized that Jama was pissed off. He knows that is never pretty. His eyes got big and he immediately did his stepping duty and stepped in before it came to blows.
Somehow, redneck to redneck, they worked out a deal where shitty redneck neighbor would redirect his leavings elsewhere.
So, they came and started digging in random spots in my yard to try to find where the gray matter SHOULD be going as opposed to the beeline it was making toward my hovel.
The kept finding bits of terracotta and finally traced the path to under the back corner of my hovel. OMFG, his shit pipe was headed right under my hovel. Paradise lost. I was heatrbroken. There went my dreams of gardens full of wonderful veggies.
Then, it began to rain. So, they decided to knock off their work for the day leaving a trench full of gray matter, tampons, and now Q tips headed straight under the back end of my hovel.
*sigh*
I had had all I could stand. I had holes all in my yard, a trench full of rain that got heavier and heavier as the evening wore on, gray matter, tampons and now Q tips all aimed at my little hovel.
As I noticed just how wrong that picture was, I saw another tampon float by.
I went off, shot some more death rays, and informed them both that I was not going to spend the night being bombarded with poisonous tampons and gray matter and who knows what else.
So, in the rain, they grumbled and made the Lowe's trip list.
Then, SHE had the audacity to set foot into my yard. That huzzy. Round 6,323 began. I asked her if she always had such a light flow and always changed so often with such a light flow or did she just enjoy poisoning my aunt and I for spite. My eyes squinted into death rays as she went behind her boyfriend and hid. There was no more flushing at Chez Redneck Neighbor that night though.
Finally, they fixed the problem, but I had to lord over them to hurry their extremely slow progress.
So, I don't have a compost pile any more. :shrug:
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