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Edited on Tue Apr-28-09 12:10 PM by Chovexani
Understand that we live in a society that is far more accepting of homosexuality than bisexuality, in the sense that straight people can at least understand it in terms of "he's not into ladies, he's into dudes. Weird, but, okay." There's at least a basic understanding of how it works, even if they don't personally understand the whys of it. The average monosexual person--whether they are straight or gay--doesn't really get how someone can be attracted to more than one gender.
Some of these folks are cool about it even if they don't personally understand it. But, in my experience, far more like to exert pressure on bisexuals to "pick a side", "get off the fence", etc. We get extreme amounts of pressure to choose either a straight or gay identity, and (again, speaking from personal experience), this pressure can ramp into overdrive once you get into a relationship with someone, and it only increases as the relationship goes on. It's the, "well, you're with So-and-So, obviously you have to be straight/gay" thing. Sometimes, particularly when we are teens and freshly out the closet, we can internalize this stuff. So we start believing that, but when our hearts and plumbing don't cooperate with that, it can be confusing.
IOW, if bisexuals are confused, it's because society makes us that way. And remember, unlike gays and lesbians, there really isn't a whole lot of support for us specific to our coming out experiences. Unless you're in a big city, you're unlikely to find a support group for bisexual teens at your local LGBT center. And I can count the number of books on the subject on one hand (there's, uh, Bi Any Other Name and a lot of queer theory stuff that probably will go over the head of someone who just came out or is still questioning). So a lot of this stuff we have to struggle with and try to figure out on our own.
My advice would be to say tell her that there's nothing wrong with questioning, that it's healthy and a part of the process and that bisexuality is a continuum rather than a static thing. I've found that a lot of freshly out bis carry the belief that in order to be bi, they have to have an equal attraction to all genders at all times or else they are not "really" bi. While some bisexuals have equally strong attractions to all genders, many lean toward one or another. Some are only romantically attracted to one gender but sexually attracted to both. And that's okay! I'm dead in the middle of the Kinsey scale, which is actually pretty rare from what I understand. An ex of mine identified as bisexual, and he described his experience as, "I'm pretty much 90% attracted to women but every so often I'll meet a guy and then HOLYSHIT." The important thing to remember is that all of these feelings are valid ways to be bisexual.
And, remember, sometimes people just experiment and discover that they really aren't attracted to both genders, and bisexuality is a transitional phase to a hetero or gay identity. And that's okay too! The only problem with that is when people make assumptions about all bisexuals based on such things. Also, I've found that with a lot of newly out teens who are any sort of sexual minority (gay, lesbian or bi), there can be a tendency to draw conclusions about your orientation based on your first same-gender relationship, when it could just be an issue of compatibility with that particular person. When I was sixteen I was head over heels in love with this girl, but we really didn't have any sort of chemistry, and I was worried that I was "really" straight because of that. Needless to say, that wasn't the case. I would tell her to not be so concerned with nailing down an identity and just taking things as they come and giving herself a chance to develop one.
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