Updated ‘I’M A BOY-GIRL’ (The Omaha family of an 8-year-old is ready to let Ben be Katie)

[Omaha Steve]

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http://omahaworldherald.ne.newsmemory.com/?token=63771_6809e76a02faba2079d4807de507a52a

Plan to change schools follows dispute over First Communion dress
By Erin Grace
WORLD-HERALD STAFF WRITER
Now that Ben has had his final day at a west Omaha Catholic school, he gets to give away the last of his boy clothes — his school uniform — and live full time as the person inside: Katie.

This decision seems like a no-brainer for parents who at first presumed their prancing, pink-loving son who squirreled away cousins’ girl toys was gay. That was before he told them he had a girl heart, a girl soul and was, in fact, a girl.

A defining moment came when it was time for First Communion. Eight-yearold Ben declared he wouldn’t go if he had to wear a suit, and he pined for the white dress that girls wear. But neither his family nor church leaders thought it would be a good idea to introduce Ben as Katie in the Communion line. The church doesn’t want Ben to be Katie at the school at all.

So, after behavioral testing, therapy and a lot of research, the parents have decided to switch their child to a public school and to let their son live as a girl. They asked not to be named out of concern for their child’s safety outside the circle of those who know the family.

They know the path Katie faces is long, difficult and fraught with controversy. Some scientists say the approach they are taking amounts to child abuse. Other scientists say any other response would be abuse.

What might seem like a drastic, life-altering decision for their child is in fact the culmination of years of words and deeds that convinced Katie’s parents, extended family members and therapists of this: She is a girl born into a boy’s body.
***
As young as age 2, Ben would use anything he could find to create long hair.

At Grandma Mary’s, it was old scarves. At home, he wore armchair covers and sweatpants around his head to mimic ponytails. He did this so often that his father caught himself hollering for Ben to “throw your hair down the steps” so he could get a full load in the washer.
At 3, Ben was a princess for Halloween, wearing a tiara.

When he turned 4, he told his mother, “I can’t wait to be a mommy and have babies.”

At age 5, Ben was taking girl toys to show-and-tell in kindergarten despite the razzing he got from some classmates.

He felt as deep a passion against boy things, including his penis. He asked when God was going to make it go away so he could get his girl parts. He began to urinate sitting down.

Ben’s mother raised the issue with the pediatrician, who told her Ben was going through a common stage. Kids often experiment and mimic the opposite gender. Ben’s mother persisted: This was no stage.

The pediatrician referred Ben to specialists. After a series of verbal and behavioral tests, the Boys Town specialists said Ben met all the criteria for gender identity disorder.

But they held off on a diagnosis. He was 5. And the disorder is rare.

The American Psychological Association says it is difficult to accurately estimate the prevalence of transgender people in Western countries. Current estimates of the prevalence of transsexualism are about 1 in 10,000 for males and 1 in 30,000 for females, the association says. The number of people in other transgender categories is unknown. Transgender is a broad term and generally applies to people who see themselves as the opposite gender.

Transsexual is a more specific term and generally refers to people who live as a different gender, including some who have sought or had sex-change surgery.

Author and gender specialist Stephanie Brill said as many as one in 500 children could be gender-variant or transgender. A small portion of youths with gender-variant behavior end up transgender.

The advice to the parents?

Let Ben drive the bus.

His mother asked if letting Ben do girl things was reinforcing the behavior somehow.

She was told no.

And so she and Ben’s father went home and decided not to make gender identity a major issue for any of their three boys.
They didn’t push pink. His mom, in fact, talked Ben out of pink paint and into teal when it was time to redecorate his room.
They set some boundaries. The hand-me-down dressy clothes from his cousins were OK inside the house and in the backyard but not at school.
And Ben still got his regular buzz haircut. Maybe if he looked like a boy, his mother said, it would help with socialization.
She also routinely took what she called “temperature checks.” She’d ask: “What do you like about being a boy?”

Ben’s consistent response: “Nothing.”
***
Gender Identity Disorder is the formal classification found in medical and psychiatric manuals.

There is no medical test, and Ben has yet to have a formal diagnosis.

Ben would have to meet certain criteria. He would have to show persistent and intense distress about being a boy and a desire to be a girl. He’d have to show a preoccupation with stereotypical female activities or a rejection of stereotypical male toys and activities.
He’d also have to show a persistent repudiation of his male anatomy.

And he had to have shown these behaviors for at least six months.

Ben’s mother, a lawyer, dived into research. She documented Ben’s words — even scribbling notes in the Wal-Mart parking lot — and saved his artwork.
On one piece, he drew himself with pigtails and blue bows. On another, he drew himself twice: once with long hair and labeled “the rile me is Katie.” For an assignment about household tasks, he wrote about folding his princess blankie.

When Brill’s “The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals” was published in 2008, Ben’s mother bought copies by the dozen to pass out.

Ben’s father, a manager at a manufacturing plant, did not mourn losing someone to toss a baseball with. He saw how happy and peaceful Ben was with girl toys and clothes.

At three years older than Ben, the family’s oldest child has coped remarkably well, but expressed frustration at Ben having to switch identities between home and school.

The change for now involves clothes, pronouns and a name.

But in a few years, Katie could join the first generation of U.S. children receiving hormone therapy to first forestall puberty and then make the body outwardly conform to the female identity. Genital reconstruction surgery could be the final step after she turns 18.

To Katie’s parents, the course to take was obvious. Yes, they knew their son’s life would not be easy.

So they strive to make it less hard and to avoid at least this pitfall: instilling a sense of shame. He did nothing wrong; they believe he was born this way.

“This really isn’t our journey,” his mother said. “We’re kind of observers on this path.”


I will post the rest of the exclusive story tonight.

[MADem]

1. There was a French film that was very similar to this real-life story

called "Ma Vie en Rose" IIRC. The parents in that film took a bit longer than these to understand the situation.

[polichick]

2. “This really isn’t our journey,” his mother said. A wise mom...

Love the father telling Ben to throw his hair down the steps so he could wash it. lol

[eShirl]

3. "about 1 in 10,000 for males and 1 in 30,000 for females"

This surprised me. I think transgender people born into female bodies are underrepresented in popular media.

[Inspired]

4. Ben's, or I should say Katie's, parents are remarkable.

I read this as a real love story.

[roughsatori]

5. Katie is lucky to have such thoughtful, kind, and understanding parents.

I loved this part:

So they strive to make it less hard and to avoid at least this pitfall: instilling a sense of shame. He did nothing wrong; they believe he was born this way.

“This really isn’t our journey,” his mother said. “We’re kind of observers on this path.”

[Grey]

6. Such wise, kind parents..

I wish everyone the very best.

[imdjh]

7. I'm a bit concerned about the hormone therapy mentioned in the article

It's one thing to let your kid express gender variation, quite another to give drugs and mess with physical development. If they wouldn't do gender reassignment until age 18, which is obviously for legal reasons, then why would they give hormones prior to that?

When I was a kid, I would wrap a towel around my head and call myself Alice. OK, it was different from what I have read about Ben/Katie because it was for short periods of time when my sisters and I were playing dress up. I still like dress up. I wanted an Easy Bake oven- I would still like to have a really nice stove. I loved the hooped skirts the women wore on Centennial Days, and I still do. I also liked Roman robes, Jesus robes and anything flowing and I still do. Had someone bought be a Scarlet O'Hara dress, I probably would have worn it day and night until ridicule set in, or summer arrived. I still think about making myself an antebellum ball gown, but it's not worth it for one night a year. Mostly I like flowing garments- but I have to tell you that if I had to wear what Scarlett wore under that dress, it would have stayed in the closet.

No, I am not saying that my experience trumps how this kid is presenting. I'm saying that the doctors said that some gender modeling is normal in kids, which should also mean that it has extremes. I admire the parents here, and if they can let this kid enjoy uninhibited self-expression then I have no problem with that. I do have a problem with drugs. These are not chill pills that are short term- they are hormones which change the way your body does business in the long term. That concerns me.

[devinkay]

8. It isn't drugs; it's hormones

Spironolactone will be used to forestall Katie's puberty. It does this by impeding the body's uptake of andogens. Spiro is a diuretic that just happens to be anti-androgenic. It has been used for several decades to reduce prostate enlargement, to lower blood pressure, and to treat acne. It's most serious side effect is increased potassium levels, which, if monitored, presents a very acceptable level of risk.

Forestalling puberty will give Katie time to mature further before making the final life-altering decision to continue full blown hormone replacement therapy and pursue surgical intervention. If Katie were to change her mind, withdrawing the spiro would simply allow puberty to proceed unchecked.

Katie won't change her mind, though. She knows her gender now as definitely as you knew yours at her age. I knew from my very earliest memories that my male body was a mistake, but nobody back then wanted to hear it. My own parents ridiculed me incessantly for being a sissy, and I grew up struggling to conform to the thing between my legs, all the time knowing full well that I was living a miserable lie and hating myself for it. It's a sign of the times and a testament to Katie's parents' love that she's being given the opportunity to correct a birth defect before it warps her irredeemably.

I was forty before I mustered the courage to face cultural censure and do what I could to get right. If at the age of 8, or 10, or 14 I'd been offered an elixir that would turn my body female but with the caveat that it carried with it a 75% chance of death, I would have taken it in a heartbeat. A life out of sync is really no life at all. I promised myself never to regret my past, but in light of Katie's story I can't help but shed a little tear for what might have been, even as I cheer for the progress we're making in our understanding of gender and its infinite variations.

http://devinkay.com

[XemaSab]

9. Welcome to DU

and cool website! :hi:

[readmoreoften]

10. You're beautiful! My partner of 6 yrs is going to begin transitioning this month

FTM. Hopefully he will be as happy as you are.

[One_Life_To_Give]

11. Welcome

Luv the website. :yourock:

[Starry Messenger]

12. Great post.

Puberty must be extra traumatic for people born in the wrong bodies. I'm glad modern medicine is taking a forward approach on this. Thanks for writing your story here and I will check out your website. :hi:

edit: your website is awesome and you are gorgeous!