I'm too much of a coward to come out to my family

[Clintonista2]

So many of you know that I am gay (I haven't posted all that much recently, but pre-namechange I was Lirwin2), but you may not know that I am not yet out with my family. It's not that I'm scared of being disowned or anything like that, as both of my biological parents are incredibly liberal/pro gay rights.

Unfortunately, my step father has advocated for the execution of gays, so I don't think it will go over all that well with him. As far as that goes, my fear is that coming out will result in him trying to stop me from having any contact with (the love of my life), my younger half sister, though I don't think my mother would allow that.Not only that, but I just dread the thought of sitting down with them and saying it, I'm horrible in situations like that (you should see me stumble and stutter in job interviews).

Anyways, I know this probably wasn't the most coherant post you've ever read, but the DU GLBT forum is my rock, and I feel as if my coming out is nearing, so I just had to say my piece.

[dsc]

1. You will know when the time is right

I was kind of forced into tell my parents but ultimately it was a good thing. Don't consider yourself a coward just someone who is waiting for the right time. I wish you all the luck in the world. On edit if you are worried about wording then write out what you want to say, like a letter, and use it. That is how I did it and I was glad I did it that way. I am known as an off the cuff kind of speaker so taking the time to write it down first showed that I put thought into what I was saying. I think my parents appreciated that given the rush I otherwise had to show in doing it.

[tech3149]

17. I agree

It's not cowardly to not come out. It really depends on the situation. I had one friend I helped come out and it was the best thing that happened in his life. There was some grief with the family but they came around. He had so much more self confidence being able to be true to who he really was that he has done well in the last 3 decades and is a stable relationship.
Another friend didn't have such an understanding family. He just spilled it all out there and his Italian family pretty much shunned him. It took pretty much twenty years for them to deal with it, but by that time he was on deaths door because of AIDS. His last few years brought the family back together and the love they shared was probably better than the rest of his life. You shouldn't have to be on your death bed before your1q before your family understand they love you because you're family not because of the lifestyle you need to lead.

If I had been smarter at the time, I would have advised my Italian heritage friend to break it gently to the family. I should have known that Roman Catholic Italian heritage don't do well dealing with homosexuality.

[HeresyLives]

2. Courage, mon ami.

Stumble through it as much as you want, but once it's done, it's done. And you'll never have to worry about it again.

Your only other choice is to stay silent the rest of your life. Is that any easier to face?

[xchrom]

3. shrug -- it'll go how it goes.

kinda like life.

you can't live in anticipation of what others will think...

well you can -- but it's not a lot of fun.

[Cronus Protagonist]

4. It's none of their business

No need to grass on yourself. After all, they don't tell you about every sexual encounter, or what they prefer to do sexually, so there's no need to go there at all.

[Eryemil]

6. Our sexuality impacts more than just our sexual acts---shouldn't be so but it is.

Statements like these are copouts and nothing more. I do agree most people have no business in our bedroom but you are basically reducing our identity as queer people to nothing but the fact that we like to suck cock/lick pussy when our sexuality has a huge impact on our development as human beings.

[Cronus Protagonist]

7. You're wrong about my statement being a cop out. It certainly is not.

It is the result of 40 odd years of thinking, experiencing and education.

[Eryemil]

9. Which is as subjective as anything else. That was simply my judgement and opinion which I posted---

---knowing that you would most likely disagree.

[Cronus Protagonist]

10. Well, there you go. I clarified my position further.

Sorry you take such a shallow interpretation.

[Eryemil]

11. Come on, that was hardly James Joyce. Not that difficult to intepret but do feel free to clarify.

You'd be surprised how often I hear things like what you've written above from closet cases.

"What I choose to do in my bedroom is none one else's business."

As if an eagerness to share every sexual exploit in detail is the only reason why anyone would ever choose to come out.
It's dishonest and ridiculous.

[Cronus Protagonist]

13. I try to stay away from promulgating negativity

I do wish others, like you, would do the same. See, you have to twist and exaggerate what I say in order to generate this false anger.

And I would never use the denigration, "closet case", which is a particularly nasty thing to say as you denigrate people who choose not to come out to abusive parents. As if they have some kind of civic duty to throw their loving relationships onto the pyre of your anger.

You might look into this and come to an epiphany, or, I suspect, you might also use it to attack and further entrench your negativity.

I'm done with you.

[dsc]

12. I think you are dead wrong

It isn't just hiding who a person is having sex with. Someday, one hopes, the OP will be in a same gender relationship that is the equivalent of a spouse. Marriage is pretty hard to keep secret. What about books, or magazines that might be laying about the house? Or should the OP just never have the parents over? I could go on, if I really need to.

[hedgehog]

5. It's a problem for too many people. I hope things will work out well for you.

[Eryemil]

8. That's very unfortunate. Either you'll do it or you won't and either way you won't be alone---

---in your decision. I do wish you luck however.

In a way I was lucky in that sense, so cannot judge you too harshly. The only person I've ever cared about enough that a potentially negative reaction to my coming out would have bothered me is my mother and we are so close that the thought of her ever turning away for me is ridiculous.

That kind of certainty is very rare.

[WatchWhatISay]

14. Does your half-sister know?

Maybe she could help you with coming out. Not that I know anything about any of this, its just a thought I had.

[Clintonista2]

22. She's only 11, and she doesn't know

frankly I don't even know what she would think about homosexuality in general. My stepdad has done a number on her.

[ZombieHorde]

15. You have no obligation to tell your step father or those who would tell your step father

and you have every right to protect your relationship with your half sister.

You can also chose to wait to come out to your family until your half sister has moved out of the house.

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong in pretending to be something you're not in order to protect yourself or your relationships.

Don't think of it as being a coward, think of it as being a ninja.

I obviously don't know what is best for you, but I wish you peace.

[WillParkinson]

16. In what way are you a coward?

I don't get it? You have a very real and legitimate fear. That does not make you a coward, it makes you cautious in how you will approach it.

The fact that you are discussing it says to me you want to talk to them, but maybe you're searching for a way to do it.

You will know when the time is right. But it needs to be on your time. You are not on the schedule of anyone else.

And you've always got your rock to hold onto. :-)

[David Zephyr]

18. Only you will know what and when to do it. Don't let anyone push you into anything. Ever.

I came out at 13 in the 1960's in Texas. I didn't get "caught", I just couldn't stand lying. I slowly began telling my best straight male friends and they said, "I kinda figured that about you," and life went on...until my mom had my dad threw me out of the house causing me to live on the streets as a kid in Los Angeles and NYC. I survived and it made me a better person. I made my own life and my family came to me on my terms...albeit many years later.

You can't live for other people or live in fear of their threats. That's unhealthy because you begin piece by piece killing who you are. On the other hand, you must not let anyone tell you what to do with your life or push you to come out of the closet when you are not "there" yet. Only you will know when that moment comes and whether it is with a bang or a whisper. You are not a coward. Not at all. Don't even think that.

Do you think that some of your self-described stumbling and stuttering in interviews is because you've let your step-father intimidate you with sweeping statements like calling for the executions of all gays? Many times, and I am not saying this is the case with your situation, our parents always knew or knew early on in our lives. By making hate-filled assertions like executing gays, a parent or step-parent is actually telling you "don't you dare come out of the closet on me because I'm letting you know by my crazy speech that it will piss me off".

Your step-father is a bully. You have as much right to suck oxygen on this planet as he does, and I'd say even more.

I loved the part of MILK when the teenage boy living in the boondocks with homophobic, religious parents calls Harvey and breaks down. Harvey tells him two words: "Just leave." At some point, you will have to either redefine the boundaries with your family or you will have to separate from them either physically or emotionally. You can not continue to have that much intimidation hanging over your psyche. You are your own protector. Don't let anyone ever kill the child in you.

I was touched by your candid post and, more than anything, I want to tell you that you are just swell and, believe it or not, things are going to work out for you. You can take it to the bank. --DZ

[Smarmie Doofus]

19. Just an idea: Tell mom, but not grumpy gramps?

>>>.Unfortunately, my step father has advocated for the execution of gays, so I don't think it will go over all that well with him.>>>

Maybe she can work on him. ( "Execution".... at this point.....is something that you want to *avoid*. Where'd she find this one, BTW? Sheeezzz.)

How old is half -sister? If she's a minor, I can totally understand wanting to wait til the dynamics of the situation improve ( i.e. she reaches the age of majority or at least is on her own) before coming out.

What would life be without its dilemmas? ( More fun and less stressful, probably).

You're doing fine. Keep us posted.

[WVRICK13]

20. That Is Totally Up To You

I came out to my family in 1972 but that was my decision. The family was accepting, except my mother who thought it was her fault (in the 70s if you were gay the mother caused it). My father, who I thought was a red neck gave me a hug and said "you have to live your life for you, not anyone else, I love you." I started college a few months later and to appease my mother I went to a psychiatrist every week for three years and she paid for it. At the end of three years the doctor told my mother I was exceptionally well adjusted and that she could benefit from his service since she had problems dealing with reality. She never gave me any grief after that.

The real issue is to not let your being in the closet make you do things like a straight marriage to cover it up, that hurts innocent people. If you opened all of the closet doors in the world you would be shocked. I wish you the best of luck and remember you only have to please yourself.

[plantwomyn]

21. Why do you say

that you "feel as if my coming out is nearing"? Has it been on your mind? Are you getting to the point where the lie is worse than the truth? I ask this because I have known quite a few friends that have gone years with the "unspoken" family secret, dreading the day that they actually sat down and said the words out loud to their family. I can't think of one of them that didn't feel the weight of the world flow off their shoulders once the deed was done. My X finally "came out" in a letter to her Mom. Of course, her whole family knew for years but the "subject" was never talked about. Her Mom called her and told her that she had received her "Nice Letter" and acted like nothing had changed. After that it was just accepted.
I hope you can of have told your sister. She seems to be the one you need in your life. The rest will follow her or loose her.
PS. Give her a way to stay in contact with you just in case. A pre paid phone, a calling card or whatever. No one can keep you apart nowadays.

[closeupready]

23. So don't. If you have reason to fear unpleasant consequences, then

don't do it - only do it when you are sure the time is right. :) :hi:

[Rowdyboy]

24. Take your time....when you feel comfortable, talk to your mother privately....

But only when you're ready. Its your call, remember that. I was 38 before I was ready. Glad I told her, but glad I waited.

[qb]

25. I don't think you need to make a big production out of coming out.

Being gay really is no big deal. Just live your life. Date who you want to. If someone asks just tell them the truth.

[imdjh]

26. There's an old coming out joke. You sit down at dinner and you say, "I have to tell you something."

There is grave seriousness in your voice.

"What is it Mirabelle?" (assuming your name is Mirabelle)

"I've been to the doctor and I only have six months to live." (maybe you should tell your mother before hand you are going to do this.)

"Oh My God! That's horrible."

"Well, actually, it's not true. The reality is that I'm gay, but aren't you glad that I'm not dying?"

[joey5150]

27. fiber

grow some and exit. savage has some good advice for closet living.... in sum, it's stuffy and boring and grows old . on u and the ppl round you.

[imdjh]

28. Your mom is the only one you need to talk to right now.

She's the one who brought this man into your family.
She's the one who presumably sees redeeming qualities in him.
She's the one who knows him best.
She's the one whose marriage is going to be blown apart if she has to choose between you and him.
For all you know, she might be getting ready to divorce him anyway; I didn't know until the day she filed that my sister was divorcing her husband.

As a rule, people tell their mom first anyway. Read the ancient books. How many times does it say, "and the mother drove the son from the house and from thence forth he was dead to her."? It doesn't. It's always the father. I have had two Jewish friends declared dead, by their fathers, never their mothers, never their grandmothers, always by fathers. I hate to sound like a dad basher, but it's my observation.

[mtnester]

29. And she is the one who probably already knows

betcha

I absolutely agree talking to Mom is the best thing...it was how our son came out first...to his Mom

And guess what? I already knew...and was wondering just how long it was going to take our smart wonderful son to get REALLY happy in his life by finally coming out. But, it was not for us to decide. And even my son admits it was hard to do even though he prefaced it with he was one million percent sure it would not change one thing with us.

Hugs all aroound for the hard things parents and children do for, to and with each other.

[rantormusing]

30. I remember thinking i would never tell them,

but one day-plop- i did. The one i was scared of telling (my dad) already knew, it may be a shock or it may not, but they will have their dealing process too. Good luck

My first boyfriend really tried to guilttrip me into telling them, and im glad i didn't because he turned out to be trash...lol, but seriously, do it when you're ready. it could be today, next month, or next year just keep living it may spontaneously happen.