How to help a 10th-grader kicked out by parents????

[txwhitedove]

Help please. Just met S this weekend with group of grandson’s friends. Today S told parents he is gay and they kicked him out of the house. He went to a friend’s house, but she wasn’t home so I told my grandson to go get him. S was shaking like a leaf when he got here. I hugged him tight and told him to stay with us. Now what? Should I call the school to advise them, or the parents…?

[hedgehog]

1. I have no advice, but blessings on you for giving him shelter!

[txwhitedove]

5. How could anyone do otherwise? Guess I'll wait a couple of days...

let the parents cool off. S said his parents hate him. That's so incredibly sad to me. He quickly agreed when I said he has to stay in school, "I have to because I want to do something with my life."

[LeftyMom]

Call the authorities and report the parents for child abandonment.

If you're okay with having him stay with you maybe arrangements can be made for foster placement with you?

[txwhitedove]

7. Oh, LM, I'm okay with him staying and would even do foster care....

This is the first child I've known in this particular situation, but not the first stray child. My grandson moved in 2-yrs ago after my own crazy daughter kicked him to the curb on I-45 Freeway downtown Houston just because he was shy about walking into a public health clinic by himself with no money to get a booster shot. Since then, I have learned there are way too many throw-away children needing a home.

[LeftyMom]

9. Wow.

I'm glad they both wound up with you. If the kid's going to be staying with you definitely call and give somebody in authority a heads up, or the douchebag "parents" (not if they kicked their kid out for being himself, they're not) could say he ran away and try to get you in trouble or something. Also, you'll need to have some sort of official guardianship in case he needs medical care or school papers signed or whatever.

[mitchtv]

11. you might well investigate any runaway/homeless kid

shelters for services you might need that come up unexpectedly.scholarships, grants, counseling etc, after all the best revenge is living well

[txwhitedove]

14. Terrific suggestions and I had no idea something like that is available.

Yes, my grandson can testify he is living well now, gained weight cause someone cooks for him, isn't absent from school, and grades went from F to B average. I'm proud of that.

[Zenlitened]

26. That's a great suggestion. Worth a call tonight, IMO.

Here is the Texas Runaway Hotline: [phone]-HELP

On their website, it says they are staffed 24/7. Seems to be a state office, but they say all calls are confidential.

http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Runaway_Hotline/default.asp

[jberryhill]

30. Indeed there are - and it is not rocket science to adequately meet that need. /nt

[sui generis]

37. My little sister took in a 10th grader who was kicked out

Two sons of her own, and she's had to be reasonably careful since the kid's nasty older sibs have implied that she's illegally harboring a minor and demanded "hush money" to keep from turning her in. She solved that problem by establishing a lease agreement for his room and board ($20 / month or in-kind house help), which doesn't REQUIRE a parent's signature to execute in a college town.

She also informed the parents where the kid was staying and advised them all family contact should be in writing or at the kid's discretion, so nobody is doing anything "under the radar".

One less kid on the street or in foster care, or worse, forced to fix his family on the state's schedule and at the expense of his own happiness.

[jberryhill]

31. If the parents are okay with him staying there, calling LE is unhelpful...

...as the parents may then demand his return to a chaotic and/or emotionally abusive environment.

The parents may even have a change of heart, and turning up the temperature on a tense situation is unlikely to contribute to that possibility.

The parents have the complete ability to consent to the child staying in another home, and as long as that home adequately meets the need for shelter, food, etc., that's fine.

[1Hippiechick]

2. Call social services. n/t

[virgogal]

3. How old is he? Makes a big difference in how to handle it.

[txwhitedove]

10. S just turned 16 and is in 10th grade. He says Social Services

already involved last year when he called them after his dad hit him. Dad was arrested and fined, but now apparently blames S. Not so sure we want Social Services involved to just force them to take him home.

[virgogal]

12. I'd try to contact someone in his family just to cover myself.

His family sounds nuts and their behaviour is inexcusable,

Thank God for people like you.

[dsc]

4. You will need to let his parents know where he is

as to the school, if you aren't in the same district I think you can get away with not telling them. His official address is what they go by and that would still be the parents. Since he is in 10th grade most districts won't give him an exemption to keep him in his school like they would if he were a senior. That said, you also need to keep a watch on this poor kid. I feel so sorry for him and am worried he may harm himself given this nightmare he is going through.

[txwhitedove]

15. It's okay, dsc, we're in the same school district and he can ride bus

with my grandson. S says counselor is same my grandson had last 2-years, so think I'll call her. She's understanding and didn't report us when grandson lived with me outside school district for a year until I could buy a home in district near his friends.

S appears fragile, not the tough athletic type my grandson is. But he cried, ate dinner, took a shower, and has been talking to me about his homelife. He was tough enough to call Social Services himself when his dad hit him last year. I told him it's his parents loss.

[dsc]

16. You are doing a great thing here

Nearly every gay person at one time in his or her life was saved by a righteous straight person. My righteous straight guy was a person named Mike. He stayed up all night with me when I was suicidal over my secret being exposed. I'll never forget, nor really be able to repay, what he did for me so long ago. You are doing a similar thing for this kid. Thank you.

[txwhitedove]

20. But I wanted to retire and live in Paris! Instead, I'll be raising kids

forever. It's worth it if I can help them, and sure appreciate your support. Thanks

[noamnety]

17. You'll need to double check on the bus thing.

there is normally paperwork involved in having a bus pick up someone and drop them off at a different spot than their address of record - might need parental permission and school permission on that for liability. (so they aren't playing a part in hiding a missing kid from their parents)

[dsc]

18. I agree with that

my district actually had a kid placed on a bus when he moved out of his house and when he moved back it took two days before the district let him back on his bus.

[rwheeler31]

6. Check state and age laws , if you know a lawyer call .

[nosmokes]

8. Kudos to you and a pox upon his parents.

The school counselor may be a good resource for where to turn, but check w/ the kid first and make sure he's OK w/ that.

[Kali]

13. thank you for helping him

I don't really have any advice to add, just thanks

[beyurslf]

19. Call his school or social services. I would not call the police tonight. They may take him to a

shelter for kids. Let him sleep at your home tonight and contact the school in the morning. If you can, go with them to school to advocate for him. The school may have a gay support group also.

[dhpgetsit]

21. Since he is only 16 you need to make sure you handle things legally.

Your heart is in the right place and I would hate to see you get punished somehow for doing a good thing.

[Libertas1776]

22. Bless your soul,

you truly are one of the righteous. That is all I can say.

[txwhitedove]

28. I hope that's righteous in a good way? My heart just went out to him.

This isn't a christian duty or anything I "should" do. My grandson asked why I insisted S come here, what made him different than other friends, is it because he is gay? I said yes, but no. S is in a group with a higher risk factor, he's very young and emotionally upset, he's not a druggie or thief, didn't get kicked out because he lied or stayed out too late, but just because he was honest about who he is.

[Libertas1776]

34. Oh yes, absolutely righteous in a good way

And I hope I didn't offend, for I didn't mean it to really have religiously moral connotations as the word "righteous" can. And you are right, this isn't a Christian thing to do, it is IMHO a human thing to do, of which I would hope all persons, religious or not, would do. I have always believed that morals can be and are humanist ideals. Pretty much all religions and non religious organizations like humanism are founded on morals and principles such as love thy neighbor, being a good person, and caring for those (such as your young ward S) in their time of need. That is what makes you "righteous" in my opinion. When certain religious people object to a natural human condition like homosexuality, like the misguided parents of this poor lad, they are not relying on morals, religious or humanist, but rather bigoted, ideological as well as personal pre-conceived notions based in intolerance and hatred.
I really pity the parents of S, who would cast their own out into the cold like that. They are the outcasts, not him.

Like S, I too am gay, but have been fortunate enough to be in an accepting family. But if I, or others like me, should ever have to suffer such a grievous outrage, it is truly heart warming to know that their are people like you out there, accepting people, who does right by his fellow human being. We are all human, and though we may be different races, sexes, colors, and sexual orientations, we all have the same color blood. We all can bleed and we all can hurt just the same. Sorry if I have rambled on too much but that is how much your post has affected me. Thank You.

[mzmolly]

23. Thank goodness for people like you txwhitedove.

The only advice I have other than what was offered is, perhaps seek counseling for him if at all possible? I found an organization that may be of help? http://youthfirsttexas.org/links/glbtq-youth-support/

Best of luck to you all. Please do keep us updated on the situation as we'll be sending our positive thoughts and or prayers your way.

[Zenlitened]

24. You might also contact PFLAG, 'Parents Family & Friends of Lesbians & Gays'

They have more than a dozen chapters in Texas alone, and I'm sure they could offer some advice in addition to the excellent suggestions you've received in this thread.

Their chapter-locator is at this link:
http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=803

If you're not familiar with the group, here is some info from their 'About PFLAG' section:

Our Vision. We, the parents, families and friends of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons, celebrate diversity and envision a society that embraces everyone, including those of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities. Only with respect, dignity and equality for all will we reach our full potential as human beings, individually and collectively. PFLAG welcomes the participation and support of all who share in, and hope to realize this vision.

Our Mission. PFLAG promotes the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons, their families and friends through: support, to cope with an adverse society; education, to enlighten an ill-informed public; and advocacy, to end discrimination and to secure equal civil rights. Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays provides opportunity for dialogue about sexual orientation and gender identity, and acts to create a society that is healthy and respectful of human diversity.

Link:
http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=237

You're doing a terrific thing, helping this young man -- this child, really -- at such a difficult and frightening time. Thank you! :applause:

[Toasterlad]

25. People Like You Almost Make Me Believe In God.

Thank you so much for what you're doing for this boy.

[Tesha]

27. You're doing the right thing..

...and you're doing it right too.

From what you've said so far it's likely the father who caused the kid to leave? Have S contact his mother to tell her he's safe as soon as he feels he can. If there can be a reconciliation, it'll start there.

The same thing happened to me 20 years ago. Our new family member was a young lady with a nasty stepfather. She had less than a year to go to finish HS so she moved in, finished, and did some summer school to get her diploma. She's doing great now, good job - family - and a relationship with her mother she thought she'd never be able to have.

[jberryhill]

29. I Did This...

My daughter's friend was kicked out of his house at 16, after a breakdown with his parents.

FIRST - notify the parents where he is staying. If the parents want him to come home, then home he goes. If the parents do not want him to come home, they cannot tell you to simply turn him out into the streets, as you could then be liable. If the parents have some other relative or friend they would prefer take him in, then there he goes.

DO NOT take sides in the dispute between him and his parents, even though IMHO anyone who kicks their child out is in the wrong. You should simply put it along the lines of "I understand that you and X are having issues. X has asked to stay at my house while things are heated."

DO NOT argue with the parents or try to mediate or otherwise become involved in the dispute between X and the parents.

The parents may have a change of heart or otherwise come to their senses, and you do not want to foreclose that possibility. There is no reason to elevate this to a law enforcement issue, provided that the parents know and consent to where he is.

DO NOT allow X to use the episode as an excuse not to perform in school. Absolutely make sure that X is attending classes, getting whatever counseling is available through the school, and keeping on top of assignments and grades. This is not a vacation, and X is responsible to continue his education. Make it clear that if X considers it otherwise, then he may have to seek other living arrangements.

[txwhitedove]

33. Excellent pointers, which I will use tomorrow. That's why I asked my DU

friends. Thanks to all of you.

[Starry Messenger]

32. I don't have any advice.

Just give him another ((hug)) from me when you get a good chance. I don't know how parents can be so cruel. Thank you for getting him.

[BR_Parkway]

35. No advice - just a heartfelt thank you from another gay man who

really needed that hug and support from a caring adult one night - you have no idea how much of an impact you've already had

[jtrockville]

36. Thank you txwhitedove, for being your brother's keeper.

[qb]

38. A very sad situation made so much better by you, txwhitedove. Thank you.

:loveya:

Definitely cover all of your legal bases. A gay teen from a fundamentalist family asked my cousin for advice on coming out so she gave him some sensible advice and resources. The parents raised hell and now my cousin is banned from having any contact with the boy.

[Prism]

39. Thank you for what you are doing

I second the PFLAG idea. They deal with these sorts of situations all the time, and they have many resources and people with tons of experience with this issue. They know all the pitfalls, and they can help you decide the best, most sensitive way to help this young man out.

It's people like you, who are so ready and free with their support, that help keep people like this young man from falling through the cracks. Thanks for being there.

[Q3JR4]

40. I have nothing to add,

because the other DUers here have covered all the bases, other than the following.

It is because of people like you, txwhitedove, that I have hope for humanity's prospects. Thank you for being there for him, for giving him a place to go, and for providing the support he needs at this time in his life. You can't know how much this means to someone in that situation.

Q3JR4.

[tbyg52]

41. Thank you for what you are doing. I'm sure you got good advice upthread.

:hug:

[TheWraith]

42. Make contact with the parents. Preferably using a nine iron.

Seriously though, if I were you I'd consider talking to the police, for two reasons. One, it heads off at the pass any attempt the parents might make to retaliate against you with bogus kidnapping allegations. Second, what they did is child abuse and deserves an investigation.

[galledgoblin]

43. thank you

makes me teary to think about this poor kid, but I'm trying not to bawl as I think about all the thrownaway youth who don't have anyone to turn to.

I can't offer much advice, I don't know enough about Texas' laws, but I'll echo the others who have said to contact social services, and also suggest you look into general runaway and homeless youth groups who might be more sympathetic to his case and will not be as likely to try to "reunite" him with his abusive blood.

[Maat]

44. This retired social worker likes the advice given by ...

jberryhill above - with the caveat that it might be better to contact a Dependency-Court/Family-Law lawyer-specialist as soon as possible (I'd be on the phone with one now).

Also, if you call Social Services, perhaps they can refer to you to a local Dependency-Court/Family-Law specialist. That is the kind of attorney that you want to get advice from - they will give you instructions starting now. Perhaps you can Google it. You might want to apply for legal guardianship down the road - of both kids. Remember, there is always the possibility of an ex parte hearing (an emergency hearing, during which the court listens to one of the parties).

[txwhitedove]

45. *UPDATE: Got S off to school this a.m. Left phone message with school

counselor's assistant, refused to give his name until I spoke with counselor who would call back with the Principal. 3 hours later, counselor answered my direct e-mail, saying she was on lunch duty and would call me after lunch. Meanwhile, I work full-time, thankfully with supportive friends, and checked some websites, no PFLAG support group within 25-miles of us. Called TX Runaway Hotline and was told that while S's parents broke law in kicking him out, that I am breaking law harboring him even though he was on street, and can be fined, etc., first priority is to protect myself - yep, that's a quote. Or, I could contact Star Program - say what, you mean the shelter downtown??? Yep. Called school counselor, still speaking through assistant who knows me and knew this morning this kid was kicked out because he's gay, can't talk to counselor, could tell I was being put off, finally told I should really call Precinct 4 (cops). Hey that will keep him in school, right? Assistant admitted they can't do much unless a kid is reported missing - and admitted NO 10th-grader was reported missing today.

Also have custodial care of other grandkids, a boy 2 and girl 8, siblings of 17-yr old already living with me, so I pick them up from daycare and then home. S arrives shortly with girl from school, we all talk, tell him what I've heard today. S hasn't been eating well, sick at his stomach so went to school nurse, slept there part of the day. Nurse called his mom who didn't answer, called his dad who said "Keep him." I wanted to call his mom just to inform her he was okay and staying with friends, not give her an address or number. Kids all discussed legal emancipation. Then while I was cooking dinner, the girl said goodbye and apparently S left to stay with her tonight.

So, I'm left worrying about S and all the other throw-away kids, wishing there was enough money to care for them all, hire attorneys to fight their demons, and keep some dreams alive. When and if he comes back, I'll try again.

Thank you DU!

[dsc]

46. I hope he ends up OK

It totally infuriates me that children are considered property of adults even after the adults decide they don't want their kids. You have tried to do a wonderful thing here and I wish you well. Without straight folks like you many times gays fall through the cracks.

[txwhitedove]

47. Thursday Update: I want to cry. What damn hot potato this is!!!!

Today called PFLAG's Houston answering machine "hotline" twice and e-mailed them, grandkid's CPS Social Worker, and H.S. counselor all variations of following:

"Help, please. Need special input on issue. Monday, my grandson’s friend was kicked out by parents because he tried to tell them he is gay, they say that is unacceptable and don’t approve of such behavior as long as he lives with them. He didn’t do anything, just tried to talk to them. He stayed the night with us and we got him off to school Tuesday. He has been extremely nervous, throwing up, unable to eat, so went to school nurse who called his mom – no answer, called his dad – who said “Keep him”. This young man came to our house again last night and we discussed information from TX Runaway Hotline that it is illegal for parents to kick him out, but also illegal for me to “harbor” him in our home. There are ways to get around that, but for now everyone including school is directing me to call the cops or take him to Star Program – but that is a shelter downtown and how is he supposed to go to school that way??? I wanted to call his mom just to say he was staying with a friend and is okay, but not give her name or address. Don’t think he liked that, is scared, and went to another friend’s house to stay last night. I just called Precinct 4 as the school suggested, and discretely tried to find out if such a boy was listed as missing or runaway and was actually told to try first with the school counselor. So far, I’m just being directed in a nasty circle.

This boy just turned 16 in August, is in 10th-grade, and I believe is Transgender, has always felt this way - that he was born in wrong body. I think his parents are terrified and can’t handle it. He looks fragile physically, but mentally pretty sharp. He said his dad hit him last year and the boy called Social Services. Now dad blames him for arrest and fine. They need serious intervention now. How do we get help for this kid???"

NO RESPONSE AT ALL!!!

Tonight, another kid said Stewart is back home, that parents told him to leave but didn't mean all night or forever. Grandson is just glad Stewart is gone so he has his room back, cause dude's gotta protect his ladies' man rep, and what do I care anyway? I said he'd better be damn glad someone would protect him, his brother and sister, tried to protect Stewart, and would fight for all his friends if necessary. All these kids come to my home - boys, girls, Latino, black, short, tall - who all call me Grandma - then they think I wouldn't care about them??? Okay, drama over and grandma's exhausted. Damn ungrateful kids.

This has been an eye opening lesson, and LGBT has a friend, a Grandma, for life.

:cry:

[mitchtv]

48. He's stretching his wings

thanks for being there (Kept him out of trouble)