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Has anybody ever come out as bi?

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AzNick Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-21-09 05:43 PM
Original message
Has anybody ever come out as bi?
At 40 I believe it is time some of my friends and relatives know (although some already guessed it).

Just wanted to know what steps bi people take to do this.

Somehow I believe that coming out as bi is pretty much the same thing as coming out as a pervert, plus there is that part of me that says "forget it, you're married, you're obviously not discriminated against as a that part of you -the straight part- while you can keep the other part of you -the gay part- in the closet".

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GreenPartyVoter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-21-09 05:48 PM
Response to Original message
1. I'm not bi so can't answer that, but I do know I have seen a lot of posts here
Edited on Mon Dec-21-09 05:48 PM by GreenPartyVoter
over the years from bi people who vented their frustration for being treated with suspicion by both gays and straights. (Not treated on DU that way, just in general I think. Makes me think of that "Ally McBeal" episode where she had the hots for a judge but did a complete 180 when he revealed that he was bi. She just couldn't cope with the idea.)
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cliffordu Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-21-09 06:07 PM
Response to Original message
2. Never came out as bi....
But I was a sexual opportunist for 20 years.....

I dunno what else to call it.

:shrug:

When it became obvious that sex of almost any type could kill you

I got married and we vowed monogamy. Probably the only promise I ever kept....
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La Lioness Priyanka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-21-09 06:20 PM
Response to Original message
3. yes, i have
Edited on Mon Dec-21-09 06:21 PM by La Lioness Priyanka
people have a hard time believing men can be bi. they seem to accept bisexuality more in women
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AzNick Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-21-09 06:24 PM
Response to Reply #3
5. We all know why ...
Pornography, of course. Woman on woman action for the enjoyment of men (I have to admit mine as well, shamelessly).

Men bisexuality is not portrayed quite as often in fiction.


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La Lioness Priyanka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-21-09 06:28 PM
Response to Reply #5
6. i dont think that is it. i think sex with men is considered real, sex with women
less than. i think we place a higher value on penetration

porn is an easy thing to blame, but porn happens for a reason. thay make what sells. i dont hink porn drives us as much as we drive porn
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comtec Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Dec-22-09 06:14 AM
Response to Reply #5
13. Look up Torchwood (Captain jack Harkness)- He's the ONLY properly BI main char on TV
and omfg I would so do him!
he's an American whose living in the UK (Ex pats are becoming more common here in Europe)
But the BBS in general is much better about bi and gay main chars on TV than the US is.
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damntexdem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-21-09 06:23 PM
Response to Original message
4. I know of at least two.
One after years of not informing his wife that he was actively bi -- not too cool, that. Certainly understandable, but still not too cool.
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dave29 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-21-09 06:30 PM
Response to Original message
7. my little brother did, but at a young age. Not a problem in our family
and the community he grew up in -- and he owns it to this day, which makes me proud.

I would imagine it would depend entirely upon your circumstances and the tolerance level of your loved ones. I would never condone keeping yourself in the closet, but you are right to ask advice, there are probably some folks here who would have far better advice than I on how to approach these things.

Good luck to you.
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beyurslf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Dec-22-09 12:24 AM
Response to Original message
8. My ex is bi. He always told people that, even all my gay friends. Some were not
too accepting and couldn't understand why I would date a bi guy instead of a gay guy.
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Meldread Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Dec-22-09 12:30 AM
Response to Original message
9. I don't really have any good advice.
Coming out as bi in your situation I'd say is harder than coming out as gay due to bi stereotypes. Gay men are painted as molest-the-children types, which is bad if you have or work with children. However, bisexual men are painted as serial cheaters who can't stay monogamous.

Of course, anyone who bothers to use even the tiniest part of their brain would see that for the ridiculousness that it is: why would being attracted to both sexes make ANYONE more likely to cheat who wouldn't already cheat with someone of the opposite sex? Ultimately, I think it comes down to insecurities with individuals. When they hear someone is bisexual they immediately think: "Oh wow, I can never provide him / her with EVERYTHING they'd want and need." Of course, this is based upon the assumption that having attraction to / love for men is somehow different from having attraction to / love for women, and somehow where you stick the penis makes a big difference.

Hell, if we want to be honest, almost everyone has their little fetishes that their partner may or may not share - not to compare being gay to a fetish - but when it comes to sex it's ultimately irrelevant. That's the problem with how our society views being gay or bisexual. We don't view heterosexual relationships based upon sex, and don't measure them in sexual ways - why would we do such with same sex relationships?

Anyway, that's a bit more of a rant than I wanted. I wouldn't call my advice good, but this is the best I can give.

First, you need to come to terms with yourself. Really, that's what coming out is all about. You don't even need to tell people to "come out" in my opinion. It's about accepting and loving who you are as a person. Telling people is just being honest. So absolutely 100% you need to be fully accepting of who you are first. If you aren't, then being honest with others and accepting any criticism or hardship that may come will make it much more difficult for you.

Second, you need to be honest with your wife. She's the first person, or at least the second person that needs to know. The only exception here is if you have a REALLY, REALLY, REALLLLLLLLLLLLLY good friend (we're talking absolute best friends here) that you know will be supportive and provide a shoulder to lean on if you run into hard times. But she needs to be one of the top two. If she doesn't already know, she'll most likely have questions, concerns, and the like. You need to try and not take them personally. When you come out to close people, like family members, they sometimes can potentially go into a "me, me, me" syndrome. Instead of it being about you, and your feelings, it becomes about them and their feelings - they instantly begin to think about how it impacts them. This is not always the case, but you just need to mentally prepare for such a situation, just so you can keep a level head and help THEM work through THEIR issues. Hence, why it is important that you first come to terms and accept yourself completely... it's very hard to do the second part, should it become needed, when you're looking for acceptance / approval from others.

Third, after telling your wife and assuming she's accepting and understanding, moving forward becomes much easier. If you have children they're perhaps the next most difficult to tell. Not necessarily for the reasons you might think. Most people don't want to think about their parents sex lives, and hearing that daddy also likes men as well as women, isn't really something children like to picture - assuming they're old enough to understand anyway. It's about the equivalent of hearing your own father talk about the hotness of another woman.... or, perhaps worse, your own mother. :P

Ultimately, when it comes to telling your children, I'd only tell them if: A) It's important for your peace of mind. If you feel that, emotionally, you have to be honest with your children then absolutely tell them. B) If you have an open and honest relationship with your children, where you can talk about such issues without getting into the "ewww, gross" factor. Namely, this would most likely be any boys where you'd try and establish a relationship where you can talk about safe sex and the like... and generally, in this context, it's more along the lines of; "Hey, I'm bisexual, so if you're gay/bi as well, know that I'm totally cool with that and we have something in common so talk to me if you ever feel the need." I wouldn't put it EXACTLY like that, but more-or-less that's the context. :P If your children show anti-bi or anti-gay bias. It'd rock their world to hear that Daddy is bi-sexual, but you shouldn't have to sit there and listen to their bias, and it opens up a dialog to help them become more understanding of other people - including yourself.

Fourth, after the wife and kids know, it's parents then friends, then after that it's smooth sailing. Once you have the people you really care about behind you, it's like a giant weight has been lifted from your shoulders because you know you've not only accepted yourself, but that you're honest about who you are as well.

That's my advice. I wouldn't call it the best advice in the entire world, but it's how I'd handle being in your situation.
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AzNick Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Dec-22-09 02:38 AM
Response to Reply #9
10. Thanks for the long thought-out answer (wife already knows) nt
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Meldread Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Dec-22-09 05:32 AM
Response to Reply #10
11. Oh, and a slight warning.
I'm unsure of where you're at right now on your journey in coming out to others, or how you envision it happening... but realize that people gossip. :P

Even if you tell someone don't tell anyone else, there is a good chance they will, and if you hang with a close circle of people that all know each other telling one or two is effectively telling the whole group. That's not true in all cases, some people can keep it under wraps to give you a chance to tell other people personally, but in my experience most cannot.

This is why it is very important to be secure in who you are before coming out, because once you've stepped out of the closet, it's very difficult to step back inside short of leaving behind everyone you know and starting over. It's also why I suggested telling your wife first, because it's not something she really needed to hear second hand!

Just something to keep in the front of your mind as you move forward! I hope everything turns out well for you. :)
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comtec Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Dec-22-09 06:12 AM
Response to Original message
12. I came out to my wife about 2 years ago
and my stress levels dropped like a stone.
it made many things a lot easier in our relationship (impending divorce aside which was caused by other things)
in the last year I've also made some other personal discoveries, like I really am BI...there are some guys I have developed real feelings for.

For me, it's personally liberating, because I feel as though I can "take a break from women" after my divorce, but still be with someone. I don't feel 'trapped' by my need for intimacy.

i really don't want anything to do with women for a while after this. It's too painful. While I still find the female form VERY desirable, I am also free to love whoever I want.

Will I ever come out to my family at large.... extremely unlikly unless I really fall in love hard with someone, and I can't deny it to them.

But yeah... I'm going to hide behind my "straight part" as long as I can. For one, I see no reason to further complicate my life. For another it's none of their business who i get my rocks off with, or who I love, unless I introduce them to my family.

I'm out to some, but not to most others.
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qb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Dec-22-09 03:21 PM
Response to Original message
14. I told my girlfriend I was bi but would be faithful to her.
We got married and had 2 kids. I was faithful, but she spent the next 11 years trying to correct every posture, gesture & emotion that wasn't masculine enough. She told me she was worried I'd turn gay and leave her. Ironically, if she'd been more understanding I think we would still have a great marriage. As it turned out, she found a new man and asked me for a divorce. I was relieved to grant her request. I'm not much interested in women sexually any more, so I am now a totally out gay man.
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La Lioness Priyanka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Dec-22-09 05:26 PM
Response to Reply #14
15. wow. that must have sucked.
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qb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Dec-22-09 05:44 PM
Response to Reply #15
16. It did. I am doing much better now.
:bounce:
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ZombieHorde Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Dec-22-09 05:46 PM
Response to Original message
17. My wife is bi and has a hard time with some straight people and some lesbians.
The non-Republicans in her family know she is bi, the Republicans do not. She fears they will disown her. They already have a hard time with our atheism.
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