Raging right now

[MountainLaurel]

I lost an old friend of mine yesterday very unexpectedly. We met more than 15 years ago in undergrad, but really became friends after school when we ended up living in the DC Metro area. For several years, I was at his house or out together at least once a week. I dated his best friend for more than a year. About 10 years ago, after a lot of struggle, my friend admitted to himself and the outside world that he was gay. I wasn't surprised, and I was happy for him because it seemed to bring him some peace -- he wasn't drinking to excess every night, he started seeing a therapist to address some serious family history issues, and his professional life was soaring.

After a while, we didn't hang out so much -- I moved farther away and started graduate school. I was also in a bad relationship, and I hated to bring the BF around my old friends. Then I got into a wonderful relationship at the same time my friend did. I remember going out for dinner with him and us both saying "I've been seeing someone" at the same time. He and his boyfriend were so different (imagine wild red-headed Irishman with a very calm Filipino), but I saw my friend shine. Then he started graduate school, and we saw even less of one another. Eventually, about 4 years ago I moved far away and had a serious depressive episode during which I pretty much cut myself off, and we only spoke online once every few months. After another move, we reconnected via Facebook and occasionally chatted and emailed one another. We ranted online together when Prop 8 was passed, and lamented the election of the new governor of Virginia.

During those years, he continued to date the same man, and I married mine. There was some concern at one point because his partner was about to finish his PhD, which would end his student visa. But his partner got a full-time university position, and his employer sponsored his work visa. But the period brought home to me and others the inequality they faced: For the U.S. immigration force, their relationship meant nothing. They never had a formal commitment ceremony, but after about a year, they wore identical bands on their ring fingers. Their families knew them as a couple. But in the eyes of the law, particularly the state of Virginia where they both lived, that meant nothing. Under state law, they couldn't enter into "arrangements between persons of the same sex purporting to bestow the privileges or obligations of marriage." Hell, my friend worried about going out to eat with his partner, afraid one of his students or a parent (he was a teacher) might see them and complain to the school administration.

I had meant to IM my friend last week, to see if they had thought about driving a few miles into the District of Columbia to apply for a marriage license. I was so happy at the thought that the two of them could have what I could. But I was crazy with work and personal issues, and never got around to sending a message. Now, I'll never get the chance.

My friend was injured Saturday and died yesterday. His partner was with him there much of the time. However, had my friend's parents so wished, they likely could have had him barred from the hospital. A mile or two away from the U.S. Capitol, they were second-class citizens.

So, I am angry today. I am pissed and livid that these two wonderful men were considered lesser in the eyes of the law, that their love wasn't enough to guarantee them a life together. I have always done what I could to support marriage equality. But now, if you don't think all people are equal, get out of my sight.

[jonathon]

1. So sorry for the loss of your friend...the fight continues.

[muffin1]

2. I am so sorry, MountainLaurel.

What a beautiful and sad story. I am sorry you lost your friend, and I'm raging too, because your friend (like so many others) were never treated like first-class citizens in their own country.

We will keep fighting this fight, and we WILL win one day. I had hoped that more change would occur under Barack Obama. But I don't want to sully your beautiful thread talking about what a disappointment he has been for supporters of equal rights.

Have you cross-posted this in GD? I think more people around here need to hear this.

Peace and love for you and your friend.

muffin1

:hug:

[DebbieCDC]

3. I understand your pain

My dearest friend in the whole world, the best friend I ever had, was a gay man. We were friends from high school days. When after some years he finally came out and lived openly, all of his MANY friends were happy for him. He was a talented artist, a fall down laughing funny person, well read and just a joy to be around.

However, in a small town in Ohio back in the 70's and 80's it was not easy to live openly as he did and his inner torment was more than most of his friends realized. He eventually drank himself to death, defying his doctor's pronouncement that for him to drink again meant death. I think he wanted to die, but his Catholic upbringing (part of the inner turmoil) wouldn't allow it. He died of liver failure over ten years ago now, and there isn't a day that I don't think of him, or wish we could discuss the latest movies like we used to, or enjoy any number of little things. I'm mad at him for dying and for all the time we missed together, and miss him a lot every day.

It is always sad as it is to lose a dear friend, and I am truly sorry for your loss and share your anger at how "less equal" some people are treated simply because they are gay.

[donco6]

4. Bittersweet story.

Thanks. And I'm sorry about your loss. There's always a big hole in life when you lose someone special.

[closeupready]

5. Stuff like this occurs to me all the time now, and I also rage about it.

The unfairness of it.

[ZombieHorde]

6. Recommended. nt

[offog]

7. I would like to add my condolences.

It's really sad the way gays get treated. The one comfort is that your friend's partner was able to be there.

I'm a straight woman who supports marriage equality because to me, homophobia is the same as racism.

I agree with the person who said that more people need to hear your story, and that maybe you should post this elsewhere.

Have you ever checked out Soulforce? It's a site for GLBT people and their allies. A lot of people post personal stories and often ask for advice. Once you join, you can post right away. The people at Soulforce are very nice and supportive. A couple of months ago, they helped me get through something.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that challenge to Proposition 8. You shouldn't be able to vote away basic human rights for any minority. If it was up to popular vote, blacks would still be sitting at the back of the bus.

[MountainLaurel]

8. Thank you everyone for your thoughts

I'm still at a point where it just doesn't seem real. I won't be able to travel to the funeral, but another friend of ours who was going to be visiting next week anyway and I are going out to have a two-person wake. Because there's no better way to celebrate an Irishman than to drink on St. Patrick's Day.

[Rhythm]

9. *tight hugs* So sorry for the loss of your friend...

:hug:

And thank you for the kind of 'fierce advocacy' that others pretend to.

[MountainLaurel]

10. He was a Mountaineer

A guy who loved life.

[HillWilliam]

11. Apologies for arriving late to the thread

:hug: :hug: :hug:

So sorry for the loss of your friend, dear. It always leaves a hole, but eventually the good memories will fill it. For now, accept our hugs and our love.

[jtuck004]

12. I am sorry for all of you. Our country loses so much by not considering

the value you bring.

It is changing, though I know not fast enough.