I am a coward

[UndertheOcean]

in the last couple of years , I have done nothing to establish my transgendered self , I feel like a traitor to my true being .


I just don'r want to lose my job , which I enjoy , my salary , my friends , or break the hearts of my parents .


I really admire everyone that came out from the bottom of my heart , I admire their courage ....

But sometimes I tell myself being transgender is way harder than being gay, just an excuse that allows me to sleep at night .


If I won the lottery , I can both be myself , and do the job I love (Electrical Engineering and Math)

until then I have to settle with being very sad , and only finding little happiness in my work , which I genuinely love with a passion.


if only I can have both.

Not being a US citizen yet complicates my situation... and if anyone back home finds out that will be the end of me (muslim cultures don't take such things lightly).

sorry to drop all my issues on you , I just need a sympathetic ear.

[Skittles]

1. you feel trapped

a lot of people feel trapped, in different ways. For example, you have a job you love and I ENVY you for that....I feel for you, UndertheOcean - it's a tough way to live. I hate it when people say, "Money can't buy you happiness." Maybe it can't, but for many of us it sure could stop us from feeling trapped. Feel free to unload on DU - there's always someone here. Look at me, talking to you at 3:00 AM. Yes.

[Ken Burch]

2. Look, you don't need to tear yourself apart like this.

Making this transition is something only YOU can know when to do.

You're not obligated to follow anybody else's timetable.

What you need to do is find people who can support you as you work out how to proceed.

But please, for the love of God, do not beat yourself up this way. You're being way too harsh with yourself.

[UndertheOcean]

3. I can see the disgust in peoples eyes

I can sense it , when they feel my gender ambiguity , my slight masculinity , my very pronounced feminine inclinations .


I sense their disgust , and it breaks my heart , it just breaks my heart.

[DesertFlower]

4. you do what you have to do.

don't beat yourself up.

[ChicagoSuz219]

5. You need to join a group of people going thru the same stuff...

...it will make you feel accepted & it helps to know you're not the only one who feels the way you do. There may be people who have been able to come to terms with it & can show you the way...

Good luck!

[LeftHander]

6. I know....

what you are feeling all to well.

I simply long for peace....and something that resembles grace. A little elegance some joy...contentment...right now I wonder I can find it before my own internal struggle destroys me. But there has been hope. Every now and then a little glimmer of a life I could have sparkles in the distance and keeps me going...but it has been a while since that happened.

Elegance, grace, joy and contentment. I know is there somewhere...sometime.

I came out, I started transitioning. Something I do not regret. I would not be here now had I not.
There is an end to the pain and sadness that does not include a freefall and sudden stop...somewhere...

[GodlessBiker]

7. I'm sorry. It must be so difficult.

[ZombieHorde]

8. Earth is a hick planet.

:hug:

I bet you will feel a little better if you try to make someone else happy.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

9. i am sorry that you have been having a hard time, though i feel compelled to say

that you shouldnt be blaming muslim culture for transphobia. if you have followed any of the developments in pakistan there has been substantive change to the life of trans folk in pakistan. iran is surprisingly accepting of trans people though otherwise very oppressive of gays.

I hope you have a LGBT specific therapist. It will help. Depending on where you are, i hope there is a South asian lgbt group so that you can start making new friends who are queer

[tbyg52]

10. I am so sorry, and hope for all the best for you. nt

[TheWraith]

11. Pragmatism is not cowardice.

You're prioritizing your job and your economic survival over being able to live the way that you want. That's not a decision that you or anyone should have to make, but it's one that most people DO have to make at some point or another. You're not doing anything wrong by trying to keep your head down and trying to fight your way through to a part of life where you can be freer and more yourself.

[Morning Dew]

12. I feel for you.

I don't know how old you are and if you're feeling an age pressure.... that sure happens.

It may be best to break it down into smaller pieces.

The citizenship issue may be your first priority.


I don't know anything about these folks but most cities have a GLBT support type organization.

The Gay, Lesbian & Bisexual Community Center of Central Florida
http://www.glbcc.org/

[UndertheOcean]

13. I will be 32 in 2 months

The first suggestion of wrinkles is starting to appear on my forehead , in no time my youth will be gone , and I feel i haven't lived it to the fullest.

[Morning Dew]

14. 32 is not so bad.

I can almost guarantee that you'll feel better just by making progress toward your goal.

Whether it's working on the citizenship (big) or working on your voice (smaller), any forward movement is a win...

there will be times of seemingly no progress and that's ok too.

I'm cheering for you !