Moments of Enlightenment, and Apologies.

[TygrBright]

Dear GLBT DUers:

I post this separately from Skinner's "Mending Fences" thread (although it is an offshoot of that thread) for several reasons, a couple of which are important:

First: The discussion that is underway in that thread, especially in response to Sapphocrat's powerful and illuminating post, is more important than my personal explanations and apologies, and I don't want to dilute it in any way.

Second: Skinner stated that he's instructed mods not to delete posts in that thread. This post, this thread, is entirely delete-able if it violates any rules or is deemed by GLBT forum members to be forum-inappropriate or offensive in any way. (Mods, take note, if this post is alerted on.)

Third: I want to make it completely clear that while I will refer to, and apologize for, my actions as a moderator during my service as a mod, I am no longer a mod, I have no authority and no special status of any kind on DU, I claim no privilege or weight of credibility on that basis, and I am not associating my actions and my apologies with any of my former colleagues, current mods, or the admins. IOW, I'm on my own. I stand and fall by my own actions and my own words here, on my own responsibility.

Please note that while I am referring to posters, posts, and content of Skinner's "Mending Fences" thread, I am doing so with great respect and with the intent of constructive discussion, NOT to 'call out' anyone I may refer to. If you feel 'called out' or deem anything I say here inappropriate or disrespectful please alert on this post and the moderators will (I hope) delete it. Or PM me and request me to remove or edit, assuming I still can do so, if the time hasn't expired.

I posted yesterday in the "Mending Fences" thread in response to Meldread's query about the sequence of events. I gave my version of what happened to the best of my recollection, and spoke about my second thoughts and regrets. I even apologized (sort of.) Some people gave me the benefit of the doubt and responded kindly to me, and I thank them.

Then I got to ThomCat's response:

>>I remember some of the desisions you were personally involved in, and I had a lot of animosity towards you because of the shitty way you handled it towards our community. You were NOT a good moderator as far as handling LGBT issues. :grr:<<

And of course, my first response was to be miffed, angry, and defensive. I was only trying to be positive! I don't remember anything like that. I only remember ever trying to do my modding job according to the rules, and to be respectful and fair. While I am well aware that I have the same innate tendency to bigotry as any straight (well, actually, non-practicing ambi) individual, how could I POSSIBLY have acted in a bigoted manner? Some of my family members are gay! Some of my dearest friends are gay! I have always supported full gay civil rights!

Or have I?

I set that aside for the moment. I was too interested in reading the thread. I would think about it and maybe respond (if I could do so positively) later.

Then I got to Sapphocrat's post.

And she quoted me.

Well, I'm not sure any of the quotes were actually things I posted, but the point was, some of them were things I could have posted. They were things I thought. Especially the ones about putting the "bigger picture" first, blah-blah-blah. I never explicitly thought, or wanted, gay people to "sit down and shut up for now, dammit," but that was what those calculating, triangulating, "big picture" thoughts amounted to.

Shit.

Once you are no longer a mod, you have no access to the mod forum and/or any profile or archive of posts you may have made AS a mod. But my inbox is still here, and I went back and reviewed some old correspondence from while I was a moderator.

I thought I was being "respectful." But I was being condescending.

I thought I was being "evenhanded." But I was being insensitive.

I thought I was keeping "the bigger picture" and "the greater DU community" in mind. I was being bigoted, ignorant, and insensitive.

Someone wrote to me: >>If the broader needs of DU required complicity in racism, would you support it? If the broader needs of DU required one to be complicit in attitudes and beliefs that made black women "the other" -- would you support it? (A black lesbian was made "the other" this week). If the broader needs of DU required one to be complicit in the vilification and harassment of Jews, would you support it? If the broader needs of the DU community required you to be complicit in the abuses of the powerful against the powerless, would you turn away?<<

I hope I thought about that at the time, but honestly, I cannot remember doing so. It certainly did not have the impact it should have had, and I did not act in response the way I wish (now) I could have acted.

The person who wrote that (I don't have their permission so I won't name them) and Sapphocrat are both one hundred percent correct: In the denial of the fundamental rights and humanity of LGBT people, the interests of LGBT people are, and SHOULD BE the interests of any "greater community" that affects to value the liberal, progressive, democratic, DECENT, HUMAN values that we on Democratic Underground say are important to us.

The interests of full civil rights, NOW, for LGBT people, are MY interests.

Allowing the dehumanizing and oppression of GLBT citizens to be relegated to some "second tier" of Democratic, liberal, progressive concerns is, indeed, a form of bigotry.

And Sapphocrat is (again) right in pointing out that adamant insistence on this urgent, first-tier issue in no way detracts from all the other urgent, first-tier issues that are critical to the "larger" liberal/progressive/Democratic/whatever community. It is not an either/or situation. It is not a "sit down and shut up for now" situation. It is not a "be appropriate, dammit!" situation.

It is a firm, principled, not-going-to-sit-down-and-shut-up, not-going-to-go-away-and-let-it-rest, speak up, speak out, demand equality as many times as needed until it is achieved situation.

I apologize for all of my actions or posts, either as a moderator, or as a member of Democratic Underground, that have ever indicated otherwise.

Please believe that the struggle against my own innate bigotry and homophobia has been a lifelong and conscious one for me. It has not always received the priority it should. I have often been complacent. I have often made stupid and insensitive assumptions. I am sure that these have hurt people, people I respect and people I care about and love very much. Some of them keep loving me anyway. I hope the rest can forgive me.

I will continue the struggle, I will try to do better.

Call me on it when I seem to forget.

And a heartfelt thank-you to ThomCat, Sapphocrat, and all the others whose words, read in the past couple of days (though in some cases written long since,) have given me the great gift of being able to see myself as others see me. That is a hard thing to do but an indispensable part of continuing to grow as a human being.

I am grateful to you.

diffidently,
Bright

[NMDemDist2]

1. I'd like to add my thanks as well

I haven't been a mod in a long time but I got a real schooling in the Mod Forum from a few LGBT community members I had the honor to serve with. It changed everything I thought I 'knew' about that community, in spite of my many friends.

and I would also like to send out a blanket apology to anyone I may have inadvertently dismissed or disrespected in my ignorance.

[MNBrewer]

2. not sure what to say other than that your post has me in tears

:hug:

and

:beer:

[tavalon]

3. I read the thread you are speaking of yesterday

I expect the discussion has gotten much longer and I plan on updating myself. That said - wow, it takes a really insightful, gutsy person to say that they went back, looked, reevaluated and they decided they were wrong. That doesn't happen here nearly enough. If it did, the community as a whole would be so much stronger.

Kudos and thank you for seeing GLBT and any other mistreatment of a minority as wrong.

I'm kind of lucky in this area because I never had to imagine what it would be like to be treated the way LGBT folks are. As a polyamorous woman in a triad, I face many of the same fears, bigotry, anger and discrimination. While I've long held marriage to be an unholy alliance between church and state, even if I wanted to, I can't marry my partners and I have to be circumspect because of my child. My heart aches for those forbidden marriage by the very same government that is supposed to support them.

But I can say we all have our blind spots - I used to tell blond jokes, until my not blond boyfriend told me to stop because they could just as easily be polish or Jewish jokes or N.....r jokes. Brought me up cold. I didn't realize that I really did think blonds were stupider than the rest of us, not in a way I would ever have realized without that moment.

[swimboy]

4. Thank you

Thank you, thank you for what I find to be a powerful post.

Wow.

[yardwork]

5. That is an example of a very fine apology.

I accept your apology. Wow. That was great.

Thank you. We all could learn from this example of How to Make An Apology.

[ThomCat]

6. Thank you very much.

I really appreciate this.

You clearly do take it seriously that we haven't been upset for trivial reasons, and you took the time to figure out why. Most important, you are addressing all of this in a context that doesn't reinforce "us and them," with you being "one of us," and LGBTQI people being "them." We're all "us." That's what we want and need. That's what we've been wanting here all along.

I'm happy to accept this apology. :hug:

[Duncan Grant]

7. This is so powerful.

I don't have the words to tell you how deeply this affects me. I am sincerely grateful for your empathy, insight, and leadership.

Bookmarking for the beauty of it all.