Lost in the Lance Bass hoopla

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I finally got the hard copy of People Magazine where Lance Bass states he is gay. It actually is a fairly touching interview. I can't give a link for what I am about to print but it is three questions from an interview of seventeen questions. They have to do with his telling his band mates and his family.

"Do all the guys now know? Joey was the first to find out. I was at my house in Orlando like five years ago, and I was actually dating someone at the time-a guy-it was the first person I ever dated, which was very strange. I was just in my office and Joey walked in and kind of saw us way closer than friends would be, just standingreally close. And he was like, "Oh, sorry!" I knew at taht moment that he knew. I told him and he was like, "Dude, I don't care."

When did you tell your family? It was really hard. It was something I'd been toying with for probably the last couple of years because I knew I wanted a closer relationship with my family. And for the last few years I was not that close with them just because of this one thing. They could never meet the people that I love. I have a sister I told her a year ago. I was at her house for Christmas. It was so hard because it tok me forever to finally get it out. I findally blurted it. I'm like. "I'm gay." And she started laughing becuause she thought I was joking. And I was like, "I'm not kidding." And she went white . She immediately started crying and left, and I was like, "Great." She went downstairs, and my brother-in-law, who is the biggest country boy, man of men, she went straight to him. And I was like, "I didn't want Ford to know!" He comes up with her and he was so collected. He goes, "I don't care." And my sister was like, "The only reason I'm crying is because I think it's going to kill our parents."

How did they react? The worst part about it was my mom found out not from me. She found out on the Internet, and that's what just killed me. She'd read an article about the rumors and stuff and she Googled and found all these things She went over to my sister's ous and was like "Is it ture?" and mu sister was like "Yes, it is." and she broke down and it destroyed her for a little bit. It really does hurt knowing that they are going to have to live back hime in a place where it's nnot looked at very highly. Their biggest concern was the family. And they told their parents- both sets of grandparents are still alive. That's what I was really concerned about because they come from an older genoration Mississippi Deep South. My mom was really going nuts having to tell them. She told them last week. And I get a call from my Mimi, my grandma, my mom's mom. She was like, you know what I may not agree with it, but I live you just the same and you're welcome in my house anytime. They took it so well.

end of quote.

I think this illustrates both the fear and the often pleasant surprise many gays and lesbians face when they come out. Think about this for a moment. Here you had a guy who had fame, lots of money, total independence. If anyone had an ability to discount the reaction of his family, Lance was it. Now imagine someone the same age or younger who doesn't have these advantages. Imagine him going to a Southern Baptist Church in Clinton Mississippi with his parents week in and week out knowing he carries this secret. Now imagine coming up with the courage to face the music and tell your parents. Lance may not do much else for gays but by giving this interview he opens a window and that helps.

[uppityperson]

1. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to come out. If my son told me, I

wouldn't care. Hoping for love and happiness for him, a positive relationship with another good person, that is what is important.

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2. I have lost 100 lbs (sadly gained it back over time), quit drinking

for a bit over six years, but coming out to my family, that was the hardest. I was so scared. It turned out well for which I am grateful. The one piece of advice I would give is tell your son what you just told me. Knowing that our parents will accept us makes it so much easier and if he isn't gay you still might help him tell you some other truth he would have been reluctant to otherwise.

[Solo_in_MD]

3. What Hoopla?

Seriously, DU is the only place I have even read about this. While it is indeed traumatic for some, its sort of fallen off of most people's radar

[dsc]

4. I sort of meant here

though Countdown did cover it as the number one story a couple of nights ago.

[idgiehkt]

5. I've been reading it here and there online for a couple of months.

it's everywhere, I think, probably because this is an instance where both he and the boyfriend are desired by a segment of the heterosexual population. I just realized that I don't know whether Reichen has been out the whole time...has he? Was he 'out' on The Amazing Race? I assumed he wasn't, but I don't know.

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6. I think he was

He was on the show with his partner at the time. I don't watch the show but they usually feature couples or siblings not friends.

[Rowdyboy]

7. Thank you so much for finding and posting that quote....He sounds real

My own coming out has lasted three and a half decades now, starting with the last night my freshman year of college in 1973 when I lost my virginity. I told only my closest friends because in the '70's it was not accepted at all. Those close friends were cool about it, but I still seriously dated (and was engaged to) one really classy coed (we're still friends). I finally admitted to myself that I was gay around the age of 25, That was another turning point.

My family was tougher. My baby brother betrayed my trust to my father and made me call him a liar (a sister called me to warn that he'd told our father). That estranged us for several years until his murder in 1995 at age 29. We never had a chance to reconcile. I'm sorry, he was my favorite of four younger siblings. Hardest of all was coming out to my mom (I was 38). She cried, but told me she'd know since I was three. She always knew just the right thing to say.

I lost a couple of "friends" but VERY few. In a 25 year professional career as a state employee I never "came out" at work. I told only maybe 4 co-workers who were close friends. However, I never dated women, never pretended to be straight, lived openly with a male "roommate" for 12 years before I retired-EVERYBODY knew, just nobody much cared. I was promoted as much as I deserved and don't feel slighted professionally because of my sexuality.

Each person's road is a story. Lance has done some serious charity work down here and, while I find the music insipid, I don't blame him personally. If it was hard for me to come out, how much harder must it be for someone with at least a nominal national reputation.

I respect him for that and wish him well.

on edit: before her death, mom came to adore my partner-far more than any of my siblings' spouses. Today, one brother and his wife treat my guy and me as close family-the rest, I speak to very rarely. I have no interest in a relationship with my sisters who refuse to openly accept my partner.

[idgiehkt]

8. Your mom had known since you were three?

I so wish you'd felt more able to tell her then. So many times I've heard this that parents and siblings 'know'. I wonder sometimes if they don't want it confirmed, though.

I'm so sorry about your sisters, that is terrible. My family is accepting and nice to my face, but I'm against their religion, so they 'love me anyway'. Whatever.

[Rowdyboy]

11. My mom's best friend in high school in 1950 was gay...she was cool with it

As for my younger sisters, its really no problem. If they should ever choose to give my long-term partner the same respect I've given their husbands in the past, we'll be okay. But thats not gonna happen.

Funniest part of the whole thing: My mom had five children, one gay and four straight. Though she was quite conservative, her favorite "son-in-law" was my partner, "The Gay".

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9. It is sad about your sisters

but you really amaze me. I couldn't hack Mississippi, it was way too much for me. In the annals of gay history people like you will deserve a very large place. Living in the hard places and not letting them get to you is such a powerful message.

[Rowdyboy]

10. You have to understand, I'm 7th generation Mississippian

I'm fucked up to the bone! Strange as it is, this nightmarish hellhole is home to me (and my partner) and somehow we seem to muddle through without much trouble.

To be honest, all I ever did was live the life right in front of me. I spent age 23-34 in a god-forsaken, rural, north-east Mississippi small town best known for pork processing; I had some great straight friends, we had much fun, I was made both a "best man" and a godfather, and I had a really good job that I enjoyed. The people in north-east Mississippi weren't the problem-the problem was being lonely and gay. I lost my strongest sexual years as a man because I was too fucking stupid to realize that living in the boondocks was not a good plan in Mississippi. Duh. Too much weed and too much beer cost me a lot.

So in 1988 I moved to "Capital City" to get me a man! Took me a while, and a few false starts, but in less than a year I'd found my other half. He was coming out of a friendly, but empty, 18 year marriage. We met, sparks flew, life got SOOOO MUCH better.

All we did was live our lives. For 25 years I found jobs for the unemployed; meanwhile, my guy taught English and Spanish to high schoolers. Nothing special, nothing profound, just how life turned out.

But you, as always, are very kind.

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12. being lonely and gay

yep that sums up Mississippi for me. I was in the Delta but same song different verse.

[Occulus]

13. I really don't know what that sort of acceptance feels like

Got kicked out of the house, literally into the rain with the clothes on my back, moved back in a couple of years later- because I was homeless, but still in school AND employed- and got my school funding yanked.

I haven't talked to my mom in a couple months. I'm to the point I can't stand her.

Dad's dead now, but never mentioned any of it, no apology, nothing, from the time it happened until the day he died. I hope that "oversight" was due to abject shame.

Oh, and I was adopted, and grew up with the false idea that they loved and wated me, that they would support me in whatever I wanted to do with my life, that I could do anything I wanted to if I put my mind to it...

...I put my mind, heart, and soul into being a musician, because I wanted to teach high school music, because I wanted to inspire other people the way my directors inspired me. As it turns out, both my NHS cords, my 27 on the ACT, my rank of 13th in my graduating class, all the music awards and honors I earned... all that meant shit. I'd been better off trashing myself through high school and not even trying to go to college; maybe I would have had more fun.

I can't help but post this every time I see a story about people accepting their gay kids, because frankly, I don't know what it's like. I grew up on nothing but lies, and I believed it all, and it crushed the life right out of me. To top it all off, I feel really alone in that, because it seems like all the gay people I've ever known haven't had to deal with what I did, so I don't have an example to follow for dealing with it.

I've tried to be the nice guy and still be "part of the family", but every year it gets a little bit harder, and I think the time is coming fast when I just have to tell what's left of the family I grew up with that I just don't want to be considered part of that anymore.

Stories like these, frankly, make me want to sob.

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14. I am so sorry

I have read about your story before and it still saddens me everytime I read it. In all honesty your story is what my nightmares were made of as a kid. I hope you can give yourself the love and acceptance your parents should have given you. Give it to yourself, you deserve it.

[Rowdyboy]

15. I've read a little of this from you before, and it still hurts me....

But don't blame yourself for the lies you were told, no more than I should blame myself for my parents divorces.

Nothing was wrong with you, just as nothing was wrong with me. When I finally realized that I was the one in the right, it no longer mattered to me what they thought.

You can't change what you've already experienced, but thats who you are today. You can, however, change the future by living by your rules, not theirs. I'm still learning how, and its not easy, but it can be done.