question about a toddler

[Thirtieschild]

My three-year-old grandson says repeatedly that he likes girl things because they are "sparkly" (shades of Running with Scissors). A couple of days ago he said when he was through being a boy he wanted to be a girl. I have several questions and would like to talk to someone who is transgender - hope I used the right word, what I mean is someone who was born in the wrong body.

My first question is how early does one know. My own guess, which may not be worth much, is that three would know, perhaps better than seven or ten. My second question is, if this is the case, how do we help him? Actually, how do his parents help him; because they live in the U.K. and I live in the Southwest US, my role will primarily be advisory.

Whatever his situation - gay, straight, bi, trans? - we want him to be happy with who he is. I would very much appreciate any, all advice, direction, etc. TIA.

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. My older boy

at 2ish LOVED it when i put a shiny lacy girl's bow in his hair. Thought he was Sooooo pretty *g* We just figured the best way to let our kids grow up is to let them try different things, including role-playing as the opposite gender for a while. As long as you are loving and supportive, they'll sort it all out for themselves.

[1monster]

2. Relax. Allow your grandson to just be who he is for now. As long

as you bring him up knowing that you accept and love him as he is, he'll be fine, gay, straight, bi, transexual or otherwise...

[notadmblnd]

3. When my son was between the ages of 3 and 6 he took aliking to girls underwear

to the point he would throw fits with his girl cousins to get them to give him theirs. I bought him his own. He liked them because they were silky and felt good on his skin. I finally found him some slky boxers and that was the end of him wanting to wear girls panties.

[Vanje]

4. Magpies also like things sparlkley

If your grandson turns into a magpie, he could learn to fly. How neat would THAT be!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

17. huh?

:wtf:

[rosesaylavee]

5. My advice...

...not that I am expert by any means but simply a mom who can relate to this perhaps.

I have one son and I remember at three that he had a lot of identity with many things female. He did spend 85% of his time with me as his father traveled a lot. He chose pink toys at the store, wanted me to go and buy him and then play 'shopping' with Barbie Dolls and he wanted very much to be just like Bonnie Blair the speed skater. I praised him for his adoration of Bonnie Blair - her achievement remains an awesome one as she was a talented Olympic athlete. And I let him get any pink toy he wanted except I drew the line at playing with Barbie Dolls as I wouldn't have had them in the house for a daughter either.

If your grandson is raised in a loving environment and his choices are not made a big deal of one way or the other, he will let everyone know over time what those choices are and what he feels is best for him.

My now 16 year old son appears to be hetero and accepting of friends who are not. So far I think I have raised a good-hearted empathetic person. He does have a bias against Barbie Dolls though - so they do remember what you tell them early on!

[Erechtheides]

6. to further confuse the issue

My own feeling is that at three years old, one has too imprecise and imperfect an idea of what "being a boy" or "being a girl" entails to know something like this for sure. Many kids go through a phase with this and it doesn't last. My fiance, when she was three, wanted to be a purple monster when she grew up. Kids love to play "what if."
If this something that persists as he grows up, and that he recognizes as important to his identity, remember too that many men who are not transgendered are transvestites, and that many of these are heterosexual.
The best thing you can do for him then is to listen to him, and not to assume anything. Wearing girls' clothes doesn't necessarily mean he's gay or even transgendered.
Good luck to you all, whatever happens; he's a lucky kid to have a family willing to seek out knowledge and to love him no matter what.

[adamuu]

7. Adam Sandler wanted to be a....

....fire truck.
not a fire MAN... or even a fire WOMAN. a fire TRUCK.
He said so on The Daily Show.

Edit for spelling.

[HockeyMom]

8. As the mother of one lesbian and one straight daughter,

I do agree that 3 years old is a bit too young to distinguish. My lesbian daughter detested being put in frilly dresses and playing with dolls. She wanted to be in jeans and playing with the boys in the neighborhood. But then, so did my younger daughter who is straight. They were both very gifted athletes. My straight daughter played ice hockey on a boy's team (yes, checking) and also played college ice hockey. They are both now in their early and late 20s.

My feeling is you (and they) cannot really know until at least the preteen years.

[adamuu]

9. I'm 27 and I still don't really know.

Give him as much freedom as you can. I'll agree with poster Erechtheides who said he's a lucky kid to have a family willing to seek out knowledge and to love him no matter what.

[peacebird]

10. this question - and the loving thoughtful replies it rcvd are why DU is home

for me.

:grouphug:

DUers - you are simply the best! I am thankful that you are here and very grateful that I found this place.

[nofurylike]

16. beautifully said, peacebird! eom

[TallahasseeGrannie]

11. I find that very young children

are pretty flexible at times about gender behavior. They try on different roles. I think it is admirable that you are interested in finding more information about it but right now, I'd just chill about it all.

[Thirtieschild]

12. Thanks so much for all the advice, particularly to chill....

I've only met our grandson once, when he was five montbs old and fixing to move to the U.K. (Where he will grow up - he was born in Buffalo to an American mother and British father. Dual citizenship.) Even though I've only spent three weeks with him, I feel a strong bond with him. DH and I are planning a trip to the U.K. this spring to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary and to get to know our grandsons.

Edited for spelling.

[readmoreoften]

13. Watch the movie Ma Vie En Rose. Take everything he says seriously.

But not TOO seriously. In other words, don't be dismissive of his gender expression as a phase, and don't set a date with a doctor for the sex change surgery. Whatever will be will be. Let him tell you. Let him do what he wants to genderwise.

[Lyric]

14. I have a six year old boy

who is currently obsessed with My Little Pony *and* the Power Rangers. He told me that he wishes he could change into a girl sometimes. Does that bother me, as a lesbian mother? Not at all.

Children love to experiment and "try on" different roles, especially between the ages of 3 and 7. I would say that at age 3, it's nearly impossible to understand what gender *is*, much less recognize that your biological gender isn't the one you psychologically identify with. If he persists beyond age 7 or 8 with the "wishing I was a girl" thing--take him seriously and be supportive. Otherwise, this is might be just a passing phase. Let him have fun experimenting with "girl" toys and clothes, and refrain from being judgmental about it. If the important adults in his life don't make a big deal about it, neither will he.

Eventually he'll figure out who he really is. If you've been supportive and trustworthy, you can expect to have his confidence on the subject, no matter what the outcome might be. :)

[nofurylike]

15. thank you for your beautiful loving post, and this wonderful thread

your OP set the tone for, Disorganized.

makes me very proud of this community.


peace and solidarity

[Infinite Hope]

18. Boys that young always want to dress up and play with dolls...

They're tiny kids and they don't know the difference yet. Sparkly things fascinate the undeveloped mind.