Dealing with bitterness

[Chovexani]

Do you have days where you just grit your teeth because of hetero privilege?

I'm at work right now, and the woman I replaced because she went out on maternity leave and then her husband was drafted by the Dolphins (LOL) came by today with her husband and baby. They were in town for the Superbowl. Their baby's adorable and they're a really nice family. I'm happy for them.

But at the same time, while I watch them posing for pictures, deep down I feel this ugly kind of jealousy and anger. It's irrational--hell, I don't even WANT kids. But I think to myself if I came to work with my girlfriend, and we brought a baby, there wouldn't nearly be the same reaction. There'd be disgust and more than a little mockery. "Isn't it funny how they're pretending to be a family". It really chaps my ass you know? But I don't want to begrudge anyone's happiness. It's not their fault they benefit from hetero privilege. But they will never understand, and they'll never even notice it. They're not "flaunting their lifestyle", they're just living their lives. I'm not angry with them. I'm angry at a society in which someone can come in with a husband and baby and be welcomed with open arms, but if I have a photo of my girlfriend as the wallpaper on my cell phone I'm "shoving my lifestyle in someone's face". (An honest to goodness comment from one of my fundie co-workers, when he happened to walk by when I was showing it to my friend.)

I guess I'm just extra maudlin and depressed today.

[soleft]

1. I know how you feel

That must have been why I got married after i saw all the attention and love and respect my older sister got when got married.

I'm happier now that I'm not living according to society's rules.

Even tho my family will always be more comfortable with my sister's relationship with her husband than my current relation with my girlfriend, I'd rather be me than make them comfortable.

And you know what, you have your beautiful girlfriend on your cell phone. And you love her. And that's all that really matters.

[Chovexani]

3. Eff society's rules

:)

My gf is amazing though. If I ever lose my mind and actually want a kid with someone, it'd be her. I've never really been one for marriage and kids (I'm too selfish and independent) but I could very well see myself making a life with her.

[sam sarrha]

2. it is all a test... to see how much negativity we can shed before the next incarnation...check out

Pema Chodron's books/teachings on "Tonglen", she explains your feelings very well. cheap at Amazon.com

my favorite is 'When Things Fall Apart'.. 'Getting UnStuck', 'Don't Bite The Hook'

i listen to her tapes at work, her books are easy to read..

she was the first American Tibetan Buddhist Nun

i stopped drinking, after 25 years of alcoholism, listening to her tapes, books.. i couldn't stop drinking because the shane of addiction and actions while addicted, plus being molested as a young child and daily beatings and torture/torment from an alcoholic father.

i finally learned an effective method of training the mind to let go of negativity

[Chovexani]

4. I've been meaning to read some of her work

Even though I'm Pagan I find a lot of Buddhist philosophy resonates with me and I like reading different teachings.

Thanks for the rec, I will definitely check it out. :hi:

[sam sarrha]

14. Buddhism isn't a religion, it is a method for training the mind, based on a logical proposition, it

can be used with any spiritual faith or religion. if one is seeking a method to calm and focus the the mind, i doubt there is a better method than meditation.. without having actually done it, it is hard to describe the benefits. i taught meditation in juvenile prison, every kid that practiced regularly was paroled within 60 days, the worst became the most compassionate, protective, helpful and insightful people i have ever met..

i am sure any student who meditated would gain at least a grade point average, the kids in prison went from straight F's to straight A's and A/B's

[Chovexani]

17. I think that's why it appeals to me

I'm one of those people that conservative religious folks can't stand, I take this and that from various things, as long as it works.

I didn't learn how to really meditate until I started reading Buddhist books on it. It really is that good for you, too.

...that reminds me, I need to get back to doing it regularly. :)

[sam sarrha]

16. i added some links you can check out

[Chovexani]

20. Thanks!

[SacredCow]

5. Sometimes it bothers me....

The (gay) bar I frequent just hired a straight doorman. I don't really like the guy to begin with (he comes off as arrogant to me) but the other night he got on the stage during a drag show and asked his girlfriend to marry him. The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off that he would do such a thing in front of a crowd who will likely not see that option available to them any time soon.

So, no- you're not alone in feeling that way.

[Chovexani]

8. Wow, that was kind of tacky.

But it's the sort of thoughtlessness that I've unfortunately seen by a lot of straight folks. They mean well, but...:shrug:

[sam sarrha]

18. it was downright slimmy

[NMMNG]

6. I know what you mean

I have a shirt that says "I don't care if you're straight as long as you don't flaunt your lifestyle or try to force your ways on me". It's a nice way of throwing their BS bigotry back at them.

They don't even think of all the ways that they "flaunt" their heterosexuality. (Huge :sarcasm: alert ) Couples paw at each other in public, women don't even hide the fact that they're pregnant any more, and then they parade the fruits of their unprotected sex up and down the streets in little strollers like they're something to be proud of. And then don't even get me started on the way men brag about their sexual conquests--that's just disgusting.


But of course we're not supposed to do or say anything that would hint that we're GLBT, let alone make it openly apparent. That's too much for people to bear. Funny how we're "flaunting it" if we do as little as have a pink triangle on our shirts or hold hands with our SO, but they signify their heterosexuality in so many ways that they never think of and that's OK.

And screw the fundies. They want to cram their BS down everybody's throats but they can't take anybody else breathing. :eyes:

[Chovexani]

9. Oh believe me this guy is a trip

My BFF at work's so my gay boyfriend, everyone thought we were dating until we quietly eased out the closet. We eat lunch every day together, except one day Fundie Boy invited him out to a cheesesteak place for lunch and I tagged along. We took his car and I should have known we were in for it when I saw Lee Strobel books in the back seat.

So we're eating and FB goes into hardcore proselytizing mode. Gay BF was like a deer in the headlights. He handled it pretty smoothly though, and when he went outside for a smoke, FB turns and starts in on me but I stopped him dead in his tracks. When he asked me "innocently" if I read the Bible, I told him yes and that was why I left evangelical Christanity. Then I said, "I'm a Goddess worshipping Witch now, you're kind of barking up the wrong tree." :rofl:

[NMMNG]

15. Oy

Notice how you're "cramming your lifestyle down his throat" by merely existing but his overt proselytizing wasn't cramming his religion down your throat? Their inability to see it is just astounding. :banghead:

[Chovexani]

19. Ya rly.

:eyes:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

7. oh trust me i know how you feel.

i would go into details but i am already sad and sick :( just trust me when i say i empathize completely

:loveya:

[Chovexani]

10. Sometimes I think it's worse for bis

Some people like to go on about how we can just run to het-dom when things get too hard but you and I both know what BS that is.

I see how people treat me with my bf vs. how they treat me with my gf and it's infuriating. Granted we tend to get stares no matter what because of the interracial thing (they're both white) but it's still not nearly as bad.

You and Lisa are adorable though. How is she? :hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

12. she is fine now. i however am much less fine

[Chovexani]

13. Aww.

:hug: I'm going through a rough time too.

[dsc]

11. I know what you mean

I am sometimes so jealous of people who can say what they did and have it just be normal. For me the biggest priviledge is simply being able to be honest from the get go. I have put in some sleepless nights as I contemplate coming out to my students. It would be so nice for being gay to be considered the same as being straight.

[Chovexani]

21. Hopefully things will change

I know I'll never be able to be completely honest about my life (I'm poly on top of it, so that's a whole other set of complications), but yeah, that ability to just be normal. Not have to explain all the time.

When I came out to my boss it was pleasantly surprising though. My gf's in Milwaukee and is coming to see me next month, and I asked if I could temporarily switch to an earlier shift because I get off work so late and I want to be able to take her places. He kinda made this shocked blink at me, but then he said it was fine and to just let him know when I needed the switch to occur. He wasn't disgusted or anything, I think he was just surprised, lol. *I* think I'm pretty obvious, but I guess we all feel that way about ourselves...I guess people just think I look straight.

[dsc]

22. I was pleasantly surprised when I came out to mine as well

I had wanted to manage it better, I guess be more calculating, but it turns out to have worked well. If nothing else, the kids I am working with in the GSA are just amazing. It is getting better but not fast enough. Hope the visit goes well.

[Chovexani]

23. I'm glad things turned out well for you

I know how worried you were. :hug: Sometimes life surprises us like that.

I bet your kids in the GSA really appreciate it too. :)

[dsc]

24. I am not out to students yet

the GSA knows and one or two kids from my classes know, but that is it. I think the students in the GSA are ready for an active club which they didn't really have last year. Ironicly on one level I am holding back on coming out for their sake in that I don't want this to be about me but about them. There are several out students but I would be the first out teacher. Part of me wonders if waiting until next year would give the club time to stand alone, without the added contraversy. Of course, that could be the fear talking too. In any case, thanks for the good vibes and have a great visit.

[Chovexani]

25. I'm really looking forward to it

I've already got tons of things planned which will probably get chucked out the window. :rofl:

For what it's worth, though, I wish I would have had a teacher like you in HS. It'd have gone a lot better for me.

[dsc]

29. They are the heroes here

I am merely an observer. I just hope I am helping a little bit. But, I must say I would have loved to have had one of these when I was in school. I might have avoided all that drinking.

[Jella]

26. Thank you

for expressing in words what I"ve felt for so long. By the way, I'm from Milwaukee.

[Chovexani]

27. Welcome to DU

:hug:

My gf's from there. I hope you stay warm! And get out from under all that snow. :hi:

[Jella]

38. Thank you

and we made it through the snow just fine. It's quite beautiful, as long as you don't have to drive in it...lol

[mondo joe]

28. I gotta say - I've brought my kids to work with oohs and ahhs when they were babies.

When my partner drops in everyone says hi. My work team even suggested inviting him to our after work drinks.

I think it's more about where you work and who you work with than what is necessarily hetero privilege.

Sorry you're having a bad time - I hope it's a good thing to know there are better places.

[Chovexani]

35. Where you are definitely is the bigger factor

The office I work in now is not overtly hostile (well, with the exception of Fundie Guy) but it's not exactly welcoming. People still make snide comments behind the back of the transwoman who sits across from me. When I worked at the bank call center, it was a totally different story, it was very open and affirming. I had two gay trainers and a gay boss who'd been with his partner for 20 years. He came to the Employee Appreciation carnival we had and brought their little girl. Everyone was really great about it. But we had an LGBT employee group too and they had all kinds of anti-discrimination policies and diversity training. Transgendered employees were even covered by it.

I really miss working there, despite hating my actual job function there. I've never felt so comfortable and accepted in a workplace. People knew I was bi and Pagan and no one had issues. Here? My ex-roommate (who I dated at one point) and my gay BFF at work are the only ones I'm entirely comfortable with.

Hazards of working in a red enclave of a relatively blue town, I guess.

[hulklogan]

30. We just went through the hiring process at my work and I was so irritated

at how many of the interviewees decided they needed to brag about their spouses and offspring. You can't ask those questions in a job interview but that sure as hell doesn't stop the militant straights from blabbering about their personal lives.

[queerart]

32. "Militant Straights"

:rofl: :pals:


How fucking funny to turn around that "Militant Queers" title on them........


What a great proverbial poke in the eye..... I Think I'm In Love...........

[NMMNG]

33. Sometimes when they start bragging about their kids,

Don't you just want to give them a look of sheer disgust and say, "I don't want to hear about your sex life!". :rofl:

[FuzzyDicePHL]

39. LOL!

An ex of mine (who had anger issues, but still had a funny line once in a while) used to say, "Oooh, good job, you breed very well in captivity!" ;)

[Chovexani]

40. That pic is awesome

:rofl:

[FuzzyDicePHL]

42. Thanks :)

I was going to change it recently, but then pRicky started showing up in the news a little and I was compelled to leave it as my .sig. ;)

[Sapphocrat]

34. True story.

Back in my corporate days, we needed a new department VP. The hiring process was always quite egalitarian (skills and experience were no more important than a good fit with company culture), and I was usually involved in the first round of screening interviews.

This dude out of Central Casting for a bad 1960s movie (comb-over, ugly green jacket, and a loud, guffawing, slap-on-the-back sort of personality) comes in. At one point, I ask one of my favorite interview questions: "What would you say has been your greatest accomplishment in life? Professional or personal, doesn't matter."

Guy doesn't hesitate a second -- he even puffs out his chest: "My wife!"

Not even his marriage, but his wife. As if he'd created her or something. Or landed her like a fish.

Worse than the wife comment was him calling my (female) manager "Honey" on the way out.

Can you imagine a LGBT person doing anything like that? We'd be lucky to get out of the building alive.

(Of course, he didn't get the job.)

[Chovexani]

37. Ewwww

What a slimeball. :puke:

I feel sorry for his wife.

[Chovexani]

36. Hahaha. "Militant straights" FTW

Awesome. I love turning that bullshit around on the obnoxious ones. "Why do you have to flaunt your lifestyle in my face!" :rofl:

[mattfromnossa]

31. not everyone is a jerk.

Though it can seem like it sometimes. I totally understand where you are coming from here though.

[libnnc]

41. Every goddamned day.

I'll die alone probably.

[xchrom]

43. what you've written is bouncing around in me in some interesting ways.

i'm not really interested in the hetero normative world -- i'm not -- jealous? -- or i don't feel insecure? -- or inadequate? -- whatever the words{S} might be.

but what do i feel? -- i don't want to be straight -- i know that -- being gay is one of the best parts of me -- i know that.

and while i'm for marriage equality for my lgbtq brothers and sisters -- i don't want that{for myself}.

i have seen a lot of the gay world through time -- and space -- and i love that it's different from the straight world -- it's creative, sexually adventurous, subversive, rebellious, perverted, dangerous, sad, happy, etc -- all in ways that isn't part of the hetero universe. -- oh i'm not claiming terminal uniqueness or anything like that -- but i love that it's just set at an odd angle to everyone else.


i love lgbtq people -- their company -- their humour -- lol, certainly their bodies -- their homes -- their relationships -- their weirdness -- their normality --

anyway -- my two cents worth of rambling -- may we always be different!

[Chovexani]

44. I feel the same way

That's why it struck me as weird. I've never been one to be "normal" or try to seek other people's approval. I LIKE being different.

I think what bugged me about it was the sense of entitlement they showed.