How do you know if you're gay?

[XemaSab]

I like men... they're good looking, they're fun to be around, I usually find men more intellectually interesting than women, all of my relationships have been with men...

But when it comes to physical intimacy, I'm sort of bored. Like, really. I've gone out with about 12 guys, and with about 10 of them there was like, nothing there. With the other two or so, yeah, being intimate was fun, but not that fun. And I'm sort of picky about who I go out with in the first place, so I don't go out with people who I don't think I'll be attracted to.

I've dated all kinds of different men... young guys, old guys, hot guys, ugly guys, married guys (no, I didn't f*** him, and yeah, it was dumb), virgins, gay guys (no, that didn't work out), fat guys, skinny guys, super-genius physicists (ok, he was one of the hot ones), dropouts, drug dealers, firefighters, RiteAid clerks, rich guys, poor guys, guys named David (All Three), guys who wore cowboy hats, guys who rode motorcycles, nice guys, assholes, guys with long hair, Murrelet researchers... and it's mostly a big meh.

I've sort of rationalized it by coming up with a different excuse why every person I've dated is completely unsuitable, but I feel like I'm wasting peoples time. And then the real pisser is that I feel like I have to feign attraction, and all these guys wind up thinking I'm a psycho hose beast, when really I'm like, yeah right, you wish.

I don't think I'm particularly attracted to women, but I've never gone out with a woman, so maybe there's something I'm missing.

What do you guys think? Is this normal? :shrug:

Or (haha) are all the guys I date just really, really lame? :shrug:

[and-justice-for-all]

1. Well, I think the same about Women...

I like being around them and have several 'girlfriends' but I have no desire to sleep with them. I have also been attracted to men, from 6th on I knew I had a taste for men.

Your either Gay or Bi, your not gonna know for sure until you find a chick you find attract and try some intimacy. Maybe a 3-way with a girl and guy, perhaps you just need to try some new things in the bedroom.

[Skittles]

2. you know, it could be both

you could be dating some really lame fucks AND be gay - just sayin' :7

[XemaSab]

4. .

:think:

[dkf]

3. Its chemistry. I'm having that problem too...

I think guys have less of that problem cuz they are horny bastards.

But in terms of being gay, I think you would know by now. You'd probably have had at least 1 crush or something I would think.

[pnwmom]

5. He's only gone out with men. Lots of men.

He doesn't feel attracted to women.

He's gay.

[XemaSab]

7. Are you talking about me?

I'm female... :)

[pnwmom]

14. Sorry! I don't know why but something made me think you were a guy.

:hi:

[XemaSab]

17. Well yeah

If you read the OP thinking I'm a guy you get sort of a different picture. :P

[muryan]

8. poster is female

small detail

[XemaSab]

11. Tiny one, yeah

;)

[blayne]

28. I was confused until I clicked on your profile and saw female.

That is a hard one for the guys to answer because as someone pointed out above, guys are just horney bastards. Our bodies told us what we wanted even before puberty, and what I always wanted was my older sisters hot guy friends.

What did you feel attracted to early on?? During jr. high and high school?

[pnwmom]

6. Do you have anything that could be interfering

like taking an SSRI?

Those can dull emotional attachments as well as physical feelings.

[XemaSab]

9. Nope, not on any psych meds

This has been going on for years. Years I tell ya. :(

I feel emotionally attached, so that's not the problem. :shrug:

[Firespirit]

10. If you have no erotic attraction to any women, you are not gay.

It's really that simple.

Have you ever been aroused by an image of a naked female? Do feminine physical characteristics do it for you? If you cannot get turned on by the female form, then you're not gay, and you're probably not bi. (I say probably because there is always the possibility of repressed desires.)

And if neither men nor women turn you on, you may actually be asexual. It's worth looking into.

[Zuiderelle]

31. I don't agree. I don't think I've ever been aroused simply by an IMAGE of a naked female,

and I am definitely gay. I'm turned on only when I know a woman in some way, and she has certain physical and/or intellectual and/or emotional attributes that turn me on.

I can look at a picture of a woman and say that she is sexy or attractive to me, but I would not say that a stranger's picture would "turn me on" unless that person is doing something sexual. In that case, I could be turned on by a man, or a woman, or two women, or two men, or a man and woman.

It's way more complex than you describe. One can be physically turned on by someone even if they don't find them desirable.

Being gay is about a heck of a lot more than just sex.

[muryan]

12. If you were gay

Im guessing you would have had at least one relationship with another female that would have induced way more than normal friendship feelings. I've kind of had that the same issue as of late, but its really been an issue based on the women I've been with. They were all pretty lame and I just recently met up with someone I've known for a long time and the spark was there. You'll find it :P

[Behind the Aegis]

13. I got a letter.

"Congratulations! You have been selected to be in the exclusive club of homosexuality! Only 10% of the entire population are chosen for this great honor. In this package you will find all the information needed to help you with your transition and how to recruit others."

:evilgrin:

Seriously, it sounds if you haven't found someone who physically excites you. While it may be a male or female, you need to look inside yourself, your desires and needs, and ask yourself how another person can meet those needs and desires. Once you identify what those issues are, then see how they combine with your other likes and dislikes, and what you can and can't overlook in a potential mate. Ask yourself why you fond the past relationships boring. Maybe it wasn't really boredom, but something else all together.

I hope that is helpful!

[The Doctor.]

16. Very well put.

'Know thyself' is key.

[The Doctor.]

15. Well... there may be more to it. Mind if I ask you a few questions?

If you'd like, we could PM too.

Sometimes it has nothing to do with attraction and compatibility. You may very well not have achieved some other bit of criteria that is key to forming fulfilling relationships.

It is also possible that there is a central, mundane quality to all of these seemingly very different men that doesn't do it for you.

The questions I would ask;

How old are you?

Where is your career now? Do you find it fulfilling?

Do you consider yourself independent?

Do you have/not have any ideal set of characteristics you are looking for?

How well do you believe you know yourself?


-There would be more, but those cover an array of possible issues. Don't feel compelled to answer if you're not comfortable, or PM if you'd like, but if you don't 'feel it' for anyone, it may be a more complex reason than 'maybe I'm gay'. Also, if you're comfortable with trying out intimacy with another female, and you can find someone who will be sensitive to your needs, then that's certainly an option.

May you find your answers with all blessings.

[XemaSab]

19. Only one of these questions has an easy answer: I'm 30

:D

[The Doctor.]

29. See... there's your problem right there...

Most women would rather reveal their deepest darkest secrets than ever admit to being 30!

:evilgrin:

Nonetheless, another poster said it very well... 'You have to know who you are, what you want, and all of your desires and aspirations' in order to find the right person. When it comes to sex, most of the impediments to fulfillment involve various forms of anxiety and detatchment. It's hard to live in the 'now' when distracted by other things, and sex is very much about living in the 'now'. Make sure you're who you want to be before looking for someone to 'complete' you.

Best of luck to you love.

[readmoreoften]

18. For me, it took a long time to know what I wanted because it wasn't represented in my world.

I'm a femme dyke and I'm not attracted to girly, heterosexual women at all. I found that I was attracted to shy, young boyish girls, but I didn't know what to do with them in bed and they never like me much anyway. Luckily, by the time I hit my late 20s, I realized that I liked butch women. But not leather daddy, aggressive, cocky assholes. More like polite Heath-Ledger-In-Brokeback-Mountain butches who'll fix my tires, tip their hat, open my door, and #@(% the $(@#! outta me. My girlfriend appreciates my high heels and short skirts and says "damn baby you look hot" but doesn't feel threatened that I can fix the screen door, isn't opposed to washing my clothes if it needs to be done, plus I never "threaten her masculinity" with my self-sufficient behavior or opinions.

Personally, I like the old-fashioned 'strong, silent' types. I just like 'em to be women.

Maybe you just haven't found the right person for you. I think straight people have varied genders and sexualities as well, but because they aren't permitted they're usually treated as fetishes. Or you might find the right girl.

[DarkTirade]

20. Are you attracted to women? If yes, than you are gay or bi or some similar variation. :P

If you have to feign attraction, you shouldn't be in said relationship though. It's much worse to feign attraction and have a crappy relationship than it is to be honest and have none at all.

The 'right person' isn't always easy to find. I'm still looking too. You're not in bad company. :hi:

[foxeyes2]

21. Impossible for us to know

Since we don't know you in person it really is impossible for us to know and therefore any answer would only be a guess. If you are that concerned about your lack of interest in men and relationships perhaps you may want to consider first getting a good physical to make sure there isn't a physical reason for the "lack of desire/attraction". I hope that isn't insulting way to put it. Then if you get a clean bill of health perhaps you would consider seeing a therapist to determine if there is a pyschological reason. I have found that talking things out with someone usually helps me figure things out. I wish you luck on your journey.

[insleeforprez]

22. A good litmus test

is what you think about when you masturbate. That's usually when the most self-discovery happens.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

23. you're not gay because you have bad taste in men.

[XemaSab]

30. I think you're missing something here...

I don't think I have bad taste in men. (Okay, sometimes I do, but not all the time.)

I've dated guys who are warm, funny, sweet, handsome, all these qualities at the same time... but being intimate with them was boring, so I broke up with them.

Other people I know don't find sex boring, so maybe I'm confusing different kinds of attraction and assuming that intellectual attraction is the same as physical attraction.

Got it? :shrug:

[sui generis]

24. people forget

that some people just aren't all that into sex sometimes.

For some people they are fulfilled without it (or maybe, not fulfilled by it) and that is totally okay too. The hardest part is whether it's just a place in your life or a permanent thing. Either way, everyone kind of expects that you're "supposed to" be a sexual creature, always on, all the time, and that makes people feel like they'r supposed to be "gay" or "straight" or "pink with sparkly things".

Just be yourself, don't be a label. If something moves you one way or another, you will know it. No reason to rush things just because everyone else thinks you are supposed to.

Only thing is, it's not fair to someone in a close relationship who doesn't understand, so just be honest. I had a bfriend once (a whole buncha years ago) who was as cuddly and sweet as could be, but totally asexual, and it was hard for me at the time to understand where our relationship could go without sex.

I'm much happier with someone on the same wavelength as me though - and I suppose that's probably also true for people who aren't sexual creatures. Just be yourself, not something you think you're supposed default to being.

[closeupready]

25. This may not be a politically correct response, but for me,

I really like brown-skinned guys - I'm instantly turned on by most of them. I don't know if you'd call that a fetish or what - I even had one friend bark that this was demeaning of me (can't recall if she said "racist" or "colonialist"). :shrug: I'm a white guy, and most white guys IMHO, both gay and otherwise, always strike me as way too self-absorbed and narcissistic. And dating one seems sort of incestuous, ick.

So, did you ever try dating a guy who is not of your race?

[Ellen Forradalom]

26. Sometimes it takes a while

to meet the right person--male OR female. Then everything falls into place.

I disagree with the notion that "you would know by now." Sexuality is varied beyond imagining. People come out at every point in life.

Just keep living your life and eventually you will have your answer.

[Ellen Forradalom]

33. In fact I suggest you reject all existing labels

and label yourself 'xemasexual.'

[Zuiderelle]

36. I agree with this answer.

:thumbsup:

[terrya]

37. I agree with this answer also.

I've known gay men who came out well into their 40s, 50s.

It just depends.

[LeftHander]

27. How about not putting gay or straight on it...

Who do you love?

Being gay or straight is really not so much the question...

If you prefer sexual activity with a person of the same sex then you are probably gay.
If you fall romantically in love with a person of the same sex THEN you are probably gay.

It really all comes down to love. When you are in love does gender really matter?

[Fearless]

32. I wouldn't focus on details...

Just be open to try new things and I don't just mean women or men. Go different places, try new activities, stuff like that. A lot of the time I find that people search so desperately for someone to love that they miss out on a good thing because they're looking in the wrong places.

[galledgoblin]

34. gl_B_t (n/t)

[ccharles000]

35. Do you enjoy sex?

If not you might be Asexual.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality