What did you parents say when you came out?

[ccharles000]

I am still not out to my dad. When I told my mom a year ago she told me she would always love me and she did not want me to go to hell.

[Skittles]

1. a friend of mine, he "came out" to his parents when he was in college

they howled laughing, saying they'd known it since he was 5 years old. When he asked why they never said anything, they said it wasn't their place to talk - it was his. :)

Charles, your mom sounds halfway there - perhaps you can guide her the rest of the way. Your mom could probably advise you on how to approach your dad.

[Mapman923]

15. as for my family

my mother, who died in 1989 of PSNP seemed to be completely clueless.

My totally straight father -- who just died last month -- asked if it was the "g-word" They both said that they liked my partners.

In fact my cousins will never forgive me for my partner Larry. He became the gold standard by which she judged all of the other partners of her grand-children.

Oddly, SHE got it before her daughter and my father got it -- even though the gay gene is really strong on my father's side.

[canis_lupus]

2. Back when I was in college in the mid-'70s

My mother found some of my gay books. We're not talking about porn, but books like Gay American History. Her comment to me was: "If you are that way, I don't want to know about it. And neither would your father because he'd never accept it."

My mother died a couple of years later so I never had the chance to have "the talk" with her ... and she never got a chance to really know me for who I am, rather that who she expected me to be. And she was wrong on the part about my dad never accepting it. He certainly had some level of discomfort about it (just like many other men of his generation), but he let me know that I was his son and that would never change. Two years ago, as his health declined, I was able to pay back my father for his support by being there with my step-sister to provide care for him. Meanwhile, his kids from his first marriage - all heterosexual, by the way - couldn't be bothered to help care for him.

[dsc]

3. My dad was great, my mom took time

But I lived to see them both accept me and my dad has lived to see me come to a full circle acceptance of myself. I hope things go well for you.

[Jella]

16. I just wanted to say dsc

that your statement about him being able to see you come to a full circle acceptance of yourself is inspiring.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

4. my mother thought it was a joke. i have come out more times than anyone i know

to make the thought stick in her head

[Rowdyboy]

5. Mom cried and told me she and my dad had known since I was three....(I was 35 at the time)

My dad and I have never discussed it much except for me telling him how great it felt to be loved by my partner.

[Occulus]

6. Guess I get to post it again...

I came home from work on 10/9/94 at around 8:30PM to find every last bit of gay-related material spread out on my bedroom floor like an accusation. My father was out of town on business; my mom gave me two hours to find a wet ditch to sleep in.

Background: graduated 13th in my high school class, with a 3.85 GPA, both NHS cords, a 27 on the ACT, and more music honors than I care to list here. I'd never been in trouble with the law, never been in trouble at school, always got good grades (except for math!!!1ONE!), studied and practiced hard, etc. I took 17 credit hours of classes in my freshman year in college, and was taking 15 credit hours when all this went down.

In other words, I was doing everything right. This should not have happened.

That night, I stood at the top of a highway interchange and debated throwing myself off it in front of a big rig. The prospect of botching it and living the rest of my life in physical pain/disfigurement stopped me. If I'd had a gun, though, I would've eaten a bullet without a second thought. I knew, without doubt, that my education was all over but the shouting. I'd read the stories, and talked to people to whom exactly this had happened.

It went pretty much the way I thought it would. I couldn't concentrate on my classes (the two weeks after my mom found out- I never had the chance to actually come out, as it were- are a blur; I don't remember going to class at all during that period). My grades dropped a full point over the following year.

Then my parents decided to drop the other shoe, and completely cut off my school funding. No warning; my grades were "too low" for them to support "someone who doesn't want to succeed" (:wtf:). This was akin to stopping someone for speeding and confiscating their license without posting a speed limit.

I had to drop out of college. Every last hope and dream I had for my own life turned to ashes right in my hands. I didn't want to be rich or famous or anything; I was accomplished in music and all I wanted to do was teach. Instead, I'm a postal worker now, doing (hard!) physical labor every day on a schedule that completely precludes any sort of romance or social life.

There's a lot more that I'm not telling- for example, how I helped buy an upright piano at the age of 14 or 15, but was adamantly refused piano lessons- but that's the basic history. Nine years would pass, with my family visiting my home a total of five times, despite living only a half hour away. My mom talks to my sister almost every day, but I hear from her maybe once a month. And so on. My father never said a single word about it, neither to apologize, nor to even discuss it all, and he died in 2002. I'll never know what he thought of it all, but be did nothing to stop it or rectify it or fix any of the damage. That alone says a lot.

The lesson I learned was, if you have to ask yourself if someone's ready to hear that you're gay, they're probably not ready, and if you're relying on parents to pay for your education, and you have to ask yourself that question, you really should stay quiet until you're done. I don't want to hear of anyone going through what I did...

Those wounds still bleed. I haven't had anything at all to do with music since. On top of it all, I've since found out only in the past few years that my parents, by their own admission, knew I was talented in music when I was FIVE! And did nothing about it (I grew up thinking I wasn't good at anything)! AND poisoned the well- I can't even stand to listen to orchestral music anymore, even looking at my oboe depresses the shit out of me, and I can't write anything at all (oh, yeah, I started composing as soon as I got my hands on a piano, which as I said I paid for half of)!

It took me twelve years to find something else I was interested in. Our very own DUzy Award graphic is the (thus far) end result. Just for shits and giggles, here's the one nobody's seen before, the "other DUzy". Self-aggrandizing horn-tooting follows, continue at own risk:



Yay for me. But I was 100X better a musician than I am or ever will be a modeler/animator, and I know it, and my heart just... breaks, whenever I see an ad for colleges or music school in the mail while I'm at work; in other words, just about every day.

My mom gave me an IOU for my birthday once to get the piano tuned (WTF kind of parent gives their kid an IOU as a birthday gift!!?!?). She's now attached this devious little condition that I move it to my place, and since I live in an apartment and occasionally move, she knows that won't happen, as I can't afford piano movers, and I don't want it damaged.

The way that piano sounds- out of tune, "twangy", with the action of some of the keys out of whack, and some of the hammers and strings needing replacement- is an excellent metaphor for how I feel inside. But, I get paid good money now and have a good health plan and dental and sick leave and vacation time, so according to some people, I'm "resiliant". No, I'm not. It's just that I have a real tight bottle for the white-hot fury of a thousand exploding supernovas to go into, that's all.

[littlebit]

7. My mom

just looked at me and said she already knew. My dad looked at me and asked me if I thought some woman who was on tv was hot. I just laughed and said she was good looking and he just smiled and said we had the same tastes when it came to women. Then he went back to watching tv like it was no big deal.

[Not Me]

8. My parents needed some time

I got married right out of college; to a wonderful woman that I really loved. I guess at the time I was either confused or had so deeply repressed my sexuality that I somehow thought I might not be gay. Over time, things became more clear.

When I told my wife, although she knew that this would be the end of our marriage, she was understanding and loving. We helped each other through the next very difficult months.

About three months later, I came out to family and friends. It was a joint announcement in the sense that I was stating that we were separating, and I was gay.

When I told my parents, it totally came to them as a shock. They were not prepared for it, and the pain of the impending divorce (which *we* had come to terms with) was hard for them. I remember telling my Dad that doesn't need to hold this in, that I was comfortable with others knowing. He said something to the effect, "Well, they won't hear it from me." That really hurt.
I guess what I expected was a hug and a "we will always love you." It didn't readily come.

In the next few weeks, they did come around; and in fact they have been great. About two years after I came out, I moved to Florida to take a new job, and I will always remember the tear in my Dad's eye as I pulled out of the driveway. In the next five years, he has welcomed my bf in his house and used to call and talk with us on the phone a lot. He has since passed away, but I am so happy that I got a chance for him to fully know me.

And btw, I still remain in touch with my ex-wife. She is remarried now (was at the wedding) and she was beautiful. Her new husband is a very luck guy.

[roughsatori]

9. My Dad said he had no idea because I had more sex with females than my straight brothers.

I was surprised he knew about my sex life at the time. Well, he only knew about that part. I explained I was not bisexual, but had just experimented with females. He told me to only date men who were educated and drug free. He was a great man, a life long member of the Democratic Party and a WW2 Veteran. We had a 21 gun salute for him at the funeral a few years ago.

[galledgoblin]

10. I am very lucky

I was terrified at the time. my parents I knew were liberal, but they were also Catholic and rural... and some of the comments made over the years made me antsy.

before I told them, I was careful to make sure that I could manage independently. I thought through every step for months- but it was all unnecessary.

my mom (who now is a regular DU poster) told me she loves me and took it upon herself to let other family members know.

[Amimnoch]

11. My entire family has been supportive from the beginning.

I came out to my family after I'd been in the Navy for a couple of years, and told them when I came home one time on leave. From the beginning my parents, brother, grandparents, and aunts and uncles have all been fully supportive. My partner is very well loved by my family as good (and in some cases even better) than some of the other heterosexual relationships in my family. The only thing close to anyting negative that's ever been said was from my mom, and all she said is "but, I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!" LOL, she doesn't care how I do it, but she wants a grandchild! Other than that, I have an amazing, and quite exceptionally supportive family behind me.

[Tyo]

12. I guess I have never officially come out...

There has been no announcement, no big talk. I did start publicly identifying as gay when I was in middle school but but no one seemed to take much note of the fact that I had started using the G-word. I don't think that there was ever any doubt in anyone's mind including my own about my sexuality so my deciding to call myself gay was totally anticlimactic. My parents have said that they have always known that I was different and as far as they are concerned it is just a part of who I am.

But I'll never forget the response I got from my mom when I emailed her from college and told her I'd met someone really special. "Oh we can't wait to meet him," she mailed back. "Is he Chinese?" Up to then it hadn't really occurred to me that if it looked like I was getting serious they would prefer that it be with another Chinese guy.

In some ways my parents are still rather traditional. But not so traditional that they made us sleep apart when I brought him home, much to the annoyance of my sister who was never given equal privileges with her long-term boyfriend. For the record, he's not Chinese he's Japanese, and of course that really didn't matter to them.

By the way, your mom doesn't have to worry. You're not going to Hell.

[SCBeeland]

13. My mother was great with it, father was horrible

My parents were never married and I never even lived with them at any point, but my mother said she was glad that I trusted her enough to tell her and she said that nothing could make her not accept anything about me. But my father though was a different story, I told him and his face just went blank. He stared off into space for a moment, as if trying to erase what I said from his memory, then went on as if I'd asked him what was on television or something. We've not discussed it since, but whenever he's with me (which is maybe one day out of a year) he acts like I'm his friend rather than his son. I know it affected him, because since I told him, I've seen his name in the arrests section of my town's newspaper four times, all for DUIs and marijuana possession. He never had a drug problem or serious drinking problem before. The whole experience really made me ashamed to have him as a father. I've had two other gay friends and they both said their mothers were far more accepting than their fathers. The whole thing really made me wonder if masculinity is something worth celebrating, if a man's son telling him he's gay is going to drive him to drug abuse.

[dsc]

14. I am a recovering alchy

and you didn't drive your father to anything. He is an addict and that isn't your fault. I do hope things go well for you.

[friedgreentomatoes]

17. yet to happen, but my mom is no more, so just my dad. n/t

[undergroundpanther]

18. in one ear and out the other

Didn't even register.It took years for my mom to even comprehend I was trans.She of course knew I hated being female, she knew I resisted wearing a dress and that I hated my female parts but for her the denial was so thick it bordered on incomprehensible.Anyways she still believes I am a female but she helped me pay for male chest reconstruction,I think even now she's still in denial. She's old now I dunno if she can comprehend it or not.At least she doesn't give me shit about dress anymore.I don't push and she doesn't push so we see it in our own ways.A peace reached but not consensus.I am glad that at least we do not fight over my appearance anymore.

As for my ex-therapist? in the 80's? Bad, bad, baaad idea to have come out to her .She sent me to hell for it.