I dated a married man for a short time when I was in college

[dsc]

This marriage debate makes me think of 'Steve'. Steve was a man I met in the first gay bar I ever went to and I fell head over heels. He was about 10 years older than I was and seemed so wise, and kind, and just all around sweet. After about two weeks a regular of the bar told me that Steve was married and I was horrified. I broke it off the next day. But then, well I got weak and started up again, until I got a call in the middle of the night from his very angry wife. I broke it off, never to speak to him again. Then 6 months later I got another call from his wife, she was leaving Steve and wanted me to testify in the divorce (she had caught him with another guy). Fortunately he was sensible enough to give her the kids and whatever else she wanted so I didn't have to testify. I am very ashamed of the part I played. Being 19 and head over heals is no excuse. But, I can't help thinking if this man could have only lived in a society which treated gays well, he might not have done this to his wife. I have never dated a taken man again, at least not to my knowledge, but I know others who have. The women who get held hostage deserve better.

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. It really is terrible that people aren't free to be with who they

want instead of hiding out in hetero-like marriages trying to look "normal." Well, I suppose they are "free" in the USA to live their lives openly but often at great cost thanks to the bigots of the world. And heaven help the gays in places where they behead you for being "different".

But yeah, I do feel badly for the spouses who get blind-sided the way you were talking about. :( Just a lousy situation all the way around.

[pnwmom]

2. I wish more straight people understood this.

The "traditional" model of marriage has meant that gay people marry straight people -- usually, with the gay spouse in the closet and the straight spouse in the dark. As a child of this kind of marriage, I'll tell you -- it doesn't make for a happy family.

Gay people have always gotten married and will continue to do so. So this is the choice: do you want your straight children to unknowingly marry a gay partner? Or do you want your gay children to be able to marry other gay people?

[dsc]

3. Clearly both Steve and I deserve a big dose of blame

we both acted badly. But he was a gay man trapped in a marriage, and as you know, that isn't a great thing. I have met many, many, gay men who were married for years and even decades and then came out. It is amazing. So much drama could be avoided.

[pnwmom]

4. I'm very impressed that you would take responsibility -- but you were

only 19, and he was the older, married man so I do hold him primarily responsible.

I wonder how he finally ended up. I know from my online contact with other "kids" in my situation, that there are still millions of families like mine; gay people continue to enter into marriages with straight people, hoping for . . . . social approval? A cure?

What a shame.

[dsc]

6. I don't know lately

but at the time he was abandoned by his family and moved away. Given the era he may well be dead due to AIDS. He did one thing for me, I never considered marriage.

[GreenFiles]

5. Similar story.

A few months back I met a really great guy thru Craigslist of all things. It was just supposed to be a hookup, but we really hit it off. I found out that he was married. No kids, but still. I should have thrown him out. I can't stand closeted married types. Have some balls!

But I was weak... and we dated for months. It wasn't until the distance between us an his paranoia about being "found out" ended the entire thing. I blame society. He never would have married had it not been for religious pressure to do so at the young age of 21.

What a mess.

[dsc]

7. bigtime

glad it is over now though.

[patrice]

8. In the long run, Truth, whatever it really is, is preferable to fantasy. nt

[soothsayer]

9. eh, straight people cheat on their spouses, too

[dsc]

10. yes straight spouses cheat

but it is radically different. This guy was trying to be true to his marriage or to himself he couldn't do both.

[DarkTirade]

11. I've known a couple of gay men who stayed in the closet and married

and both ended in divorce and coming out of the closet. In one case he was actually married to a beauty queen. I can't imagine what it's like to force yourself to go to bed with someone who the whole world tells you you're supposed to want with every fiber of your male being, and yet not be able to feel that yourself. Thankfully there were no kids from that marriage, but the other one I knew in a similar situation, my great-uncle's partner, had a son from his first marriage before he came out of the closet. I never met him, but thankfully he seemed like he understood and was supportive of his father. I know when Stan got sick his son let my uncle stay with him in the hospital.

[Lerkfish]

12. There is a relative-in-law that married a relative

and had a kid. Then, only when the relative found out from chat room transcripts the in-law failed to delete, there was a very messy divorce and a lot of unneeded drama. On the one hand, society is to blame for making people "pass", but ultimately, it was certainly NOT the relative's fault and she was the one who went through a lot of stress, on top of a divorce needlessly.

its a shame we all just can't be who we are without it being a "brave" thing to be.