Desperately seeking help for stubborn elderly parents.

[eyeontheprize]

My 74-year-old mother is ill and deteriorating but her doctors are unresponsive, to say the least. It's a long story, but she is suffering debilitating pain due to an injury three months ago which is aggravated by horrific medical treatment of her wounds.

My father called this morning and said that my mother had not been out of bed except to use the facilities since Sunday and that my mother is weak with a cough. Dad also said he called my mother's internal medicine doctor yesterday but that the doctor has not returned the call. My father believes that it is impossible to get an appointment with my mother's doctors sooner than two weeks out. If a situation is more urgent the office tells them to go to the er, which my mother refuses to do. I'm not on the authorized list to talk to the doctor.

I'm a 14 hour drive away, and due to my family obligations here it would be all but impossible to drive up there before Saturday.

Any suggestions?

[mdmc]

1. no suggestions

just my thoughts and prayers...peace and low stress

[eyeontheprize]

2. Thanks for the thoughts. eom

[Gman]

3. Do what everyone else does now

take her to the emergency room. That'll raise a stink about the lack of care from her doctors.

[eyeontheprize]

5. If I was there I'd do it

but since she is refusing my father won't insist. Maybe he should triple up her pain meds and call an ambulance.

This sucks.

[Midlodemocrat]

7. You call 911.

Tell them the situation and have an ambulance sent to the house.

[eyeontheprize]

12. Can you do that from out of town? eom

[Midlodemocrat]

21. Get the direct number.

Explain that you need an ambulance sent because your mother is in danger and your father can't get her there.

They will send one. Trust me.

[Mz Pip]

4. If your father is

seriously concerned about your mother's health then he should call 911 and have her taken to the hospital.

Then someone will have to see her.

Good luck and hope your mom gets the treatment she needs.

[robinlynne]

9. I agree with the person above. Or you should call the doctor's office and

make sure the doctor understands you place him/her responsible for the lack of care. and that you are going to need to call 911 because he is not taking care of your mother properly.

[eyeontheprize]

10. He is very concerned but

doesn't seem to understand the gravity of the problem. That, combined with a generalized aversion to questioning the almighty authority of an MD prevent him from doing anything.

[Mz Pip]

20. Sadly, that is not an uncommon

attitude for people of that generation. They stoically assume the doctors can do know wrong and don't want to be a bother.

You know have any other relatives in the area you can call on to get your Dad to call 911?

You could also call the hospital that the doctor works out of and try to speak to a medical social worker and voice your concerns. She might be able to point you in the right direction.

[eyeontheprize]

23. Excellent suggestion

I'm going to get to work on all the good advice given here now.

Thanks so much, I was at a loss before I posted this question. Now, there are at least avenues to try.

[Midlodemocrat]

6. Have your dad call 911.

The paramedics will take her to the ER, regardless of her wishes. His wishes get to be heard as well.

Good luck. And get on that list of people authorized to talk with the doctor. That is imperative.

[TooBigaTent]

8. I had a similar experience this past weekend. Wound up putting my father in the hospital.

The way we handled it was to call 911. Emergency was that we had an elderly man (age 91) who had fallen, could not stand up unassisted. The ambulance took him to the hospital and then I dealt with hospital staff (often better than "regular" physicians for this kind of situation).

Now, I am back home (temporarily) 400 miles away but will go back when the next step (rehab facility) comes into play.

For the elderly, almost every medical situation is an emergency. Do not hesitate to use 911 to get the medical care process started.

Let me know how things turn out or if you have any other questions. And by all means, get yourself included in the official contact/authorization list.

[Waya]

11. Your father is on the authorized list, isn't he?

He needs to take her to the ER.... is she refuses, call the paramedics to have a look at her and see if they think she needs treatment right away - now I don't know your parents situation - if your father, as the next of kin, can make medical decisions for her or not. But if she hasn't been out of bed and she is refusing to go to the ER by herself, calling the paramedics is the next best and maybe even necessary thing to do......

Hope it works out for your parents and you.....

[eyeontheprize]

15. You are right

but they will never speak to me again if I do it.

Shit. I'll call back and give persuasion one last chance, at least I'll be 600 miles away when the S hits the fan.

[Waya]

I understand what you're saying.......

...however, what is more important? Help for your mother, whether she wants it or not..... or her and your father's wrath?

[eyeontheprize]

25. I'll do it

but there are some other suggestions here I think I'll test first.

[Cleita]

13. My prayers are with you, but she should get to an ER

as soon as possible. If the ER doctor examines her and finds she needs immediate care, he will get her primary care physician to pay attention. If she's too stubborn to go to the ER willingly, then call an ambulance. The paramedics will transport her there. I assume she is on Medicare and they will pay for it. It seems she might have stuff going on internally, like bleeding, from her injuries and really needs to get to a hospital so that they can run the proper tests and maybe X-rays and MRIs.

[yardwork]

14. I went through a similar problem ten years ago.

Long story short, my mother had a serious stroke, and my father, who was also seriously ill at the time but hiding his symptoms, refused to ask for help. I called the doctor long-distance from my home 500 miles away and told him to call my mother immediately.

Then I went up there as soon as I could, despite my father's protests. I took my mother to her doctor and sat in the exam room with her and asked a lot of questions and made follow-up appointments, which I told my father he had to help my mom keep.

My father died a month later. My mother has recovered well from her stroke. You never know what is going to happen. I recommend proactive efforts - call the doc yourself and insist that he see your mom. Tell him your mom's condition and symptoms. Tell him that you want him to call the house and direct your father to get your mother to the hospital so that her condition can be assessed.

[eyeontheprize]

17. Good advice

I'll try that before I call an ambulance.

[ancient_nomad]

16. Are you close to anyone....

who is on the "authorized list to speak with the Dr"? Could you contact that person, express your concerns, and ask them to call the Dr?

[eyeontheprize]

22. That would be my father

but it will have to change once the immediate crisis is resolved.

[frogcycle]

18. Been there. It is tough.

All I can suggest is see if you can get your dad to get you on that list. And even if you are not on the list for the doctor to share info under privacy act, that should not stop you from calling the office and telling them the situation. Tell them they need to return his call asap. Get him to put you on the line if you can.


My experience was that Dad was just too passive - if they said two weeks, he did as he was told, like the good soldier he was. It was tearing him up and he welcomed my "taking charge."

See if there is a gerontology practice in their area that makes house calls. I got one of those for Dad a number of years after mother died. Odds are you won't be able to get someone engaged in short order, but it COULD be she should be in the hospital, and a qualified physician would so order and call the emt's to make it happen. That cough could be pneumonia.


Good luck.

[Horse with no Name]

19. Call 911 and have an ambulance pick her up

This shouldn't be negotiable.

[Warpy]

24. If your mother is still alert and oriented, she's still the boss

and if she's refusing an ER trip, that's her right, even if it leads to a more serious problem or even death. Our parents tell us when it's time, and we need to listen to them.

My own thought is that the family obligations need to be put on hold while you make a quick trip there to scope out the real situation and talk to her about what she wants and doesn't want. If there's a way to fly, do that. This will save you a lot of grief in the future. Also, if you're there on a weekday, you'll be in a position to call the desk dragon at her internist and hint at a lawsuit over the halfassed treatment she's been getting. At the very least, it sounds like she could use some pain control, and a hint at a lawsuit can go a long way to getting some action.

I went through this with both parents at a 2000 mile distance, so I know what you're up against. It's not easy, knowing when it's time to drop everything and make the trip to evaluate what's really going on. However, it's something we do owe them.

[eyeontheprize]

26. That consent thing will be a problem

calling an ambulance will be a last resort for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that it burns a communication bridge forever.

I'll look into flying out. Now I have to get moving to on all this to make it possible.

[yardwork]

29. Good advice. That's essentially what I did with my mom and dad.

I didn't hint at a lawsuit but I did have a very direct long-distance conversation with my mom's doctor's receptionist. Then I went up there the next day. It really got their attention at the doctor's office.

[eyeontheprize]

27. Threats worked!

They are on their way to the ER now! My mother had to put her make-up on before she would leave, but she did capitulate.

I'll plan to get there asap, tomorrow or the next day at the latest.

Thanks all.

[yardwork]

28. Good work. On the next step - talk to the doctors directly, yourself.

You don't have to have any kind of authorization to speak to the doctors. They may or may not be willing to share info with you, but that's not your immediate goal. Your immediate goal was to get medical attention for your mom. Mission accomplished. Next goal - maintain medical attention, including appropriate tests, treatment, and follow-up. To get that you have to stay in communication with everyone and keep up the pressure. Be a nag. In today's health care environment, somebody has to advocate for the patient. Squeaky wheels get attention.

Meantime, be as gentle as possible with your mom and dad and other family members. You want to stay on their good side while nagging authorities.

[eyeontheprize]

30. Pneumonia and dehydration

They started IV re-hydration which made her feel better right away. They also started antibiotics through the IV although the x-ray showed that the pneumonia is not large. It sounds like she caught it just in time. The plan is to keep her in the ER for a while longer but send her home on oral antibiotics. She has an appointment with another doctor Thursday.

[Mz Pip]

31. That's good news.

Sounds like if they had waited until her scheduled appointment it might have been too late. Pneumonia can be lethal in an older person.

And good that she's seeing another doctor. Maybe the ER run will pound some sense into you father as to taking a more proactive approach to her care ( and his to when it's warranted.)

Hope she has a speedy recovery.

[flashl]

32. Good News! nt