I'm at my wit's end with my cat

[meow2u3]

The entire week, my cat has been incessantly mrrowing to go out. He's even kept me up at all hours because he just wouldn't shut the hell up! That's because I left him home alone (with an ample supply of food and water) for five days the previous week because I left town.

Yesterday and the day before that, Boots escaped because he sensed that I was to leave town (my friends came over to try to pick me up), just as we were about to leave. Trouble is, this cat is so smart he comes back home only when he thinks I won't be going anywhere. And the night before last, he kept me up all night mrrowing, scratching at the back door, pawing at the blinds just as I was about to fall asleep, you name it. When he did pull me out of bed, I got so angry at him I did something I was not proud of: I cornered him into the bathroom and spanked him just to shut him the hell up, after a half an hour of chasing him all over the house! Needless to say, he did keep his mouth shut.

To complicate matters, I not only am not allowed to get another cat, I'm also not allowed to let my cat out because of a town ordinance prohibiting animals to roam free. Nor can I afford to buy my cat anything but the cheapest cat toys.

I'm seriously considering giving Boots a new home with a family who has someone home at all times. I can't keep living stuck in the house prisoner to a cat with separation anxiety issues.


Boots, the slavedriving cat with a serious separation anxiety issue.

[sadinred]

1. that's so sad. Poor Boots. Poor you!

I have a 15 year old cat who, when he was about 7, became suddenly very needy (even though he had another cat with him). I was so stressed in my own life at that time that I just couldn't deal with him and would yell at him to leave me alone. He got through it, I got through it. Now I am not stressed and he is very affectionate and sweet, and not too needy. I adore him, and I feel so bad about the times I yelled at him. I think he is confident and relaxed now because I am relaxed. These guys pick up on what's going on with us. If Boots senses your stress, or that you feel put out by his needs it might just make him feel insecure.

Are you stressed out? Can you relax and spend time with him without thinking of this, that, and the other thing? It might help him a lot.

Also you might want to try Feliway Spray. It's made to calm and comfort cats. it's a little expensive but worth it. Actually I've seen it for less at DrFosterSmith.com.

Good luck to you and to Boots.

Of course, a home with more company would be good too.

[IndyOp]

2. I am sorry about your frustration...

I am sorry you are in a tough situation. Boots is a pretty boy and it is clear that you love him. Maybe you can find a way to make things work soon, but if you cannot, giving him to another loving home is not a defeat. There are other possible endings to this saga that would be worse for you both.

If you think you might ever 'spank' your cat again, find it another home and/or get it into a no-kill rescue as soon as possible. You cannot punish meowing or restlessness. If the spanking 'works' it is because he is too terrified afterwards to do anything at all. That is not acceptable. He was very scared during the entire time he was chased around as well as during/after the physical punishment.

In order to prevent any more physical punishment, be prepared to shut him in another room if his behavior is making you frustrated. Put his food and water and litter box in the bathroom or kitchen or laundry -- someplace where he can be safe and you can go back to sleep. Put him in there promptly when your frustration starts to rise, so that you don't wind up chasing him around the house. Turn on a radio or put in ear plugs if he continues to be loud. Stay away from him when you are very frustrated.

As for the 5 day trip: Even if you did leave ample food and water, if you did not have someone drop by to check on him and spend a little time daily, then I think it is not surprising that he experienced this as abandonment and is now experiencing separation anxiety. I know that a lot of people expect this to be fine with their cats and sometimes it is, but I know that mine were very upset with me when I was gone for a week even though I had friends who would spend an hour or so at my place each evening to take care of chores and hang out with them.

If you want to heal this situation, then IMHO, you will have to look into your own heart and change how you have been relating to him lately. Do you play with him - roll the ball or play with a toy on a string? It doesn't cost money, but it does take time. If you can't have a second cat for him to play with, then you have to be his playmate. Do you want to do that? For a half-hour in the morning? And again after you get home from work? And before bed? Do you brush him often - have plenty of gentle physical contact? Are you home 2-3 hours most evenings before you go to bed (or 2-3 hours each morning before you have to go to work)?

As for more toys for him -- grocery bags left open on the floor are free - expect a big mess! Leaving a kitchen cabinet empty and propped open so he can play hide and seek is good. Make sure all the windows have furniture beneath them that he can climb and look out. Other free toys: Lids and rings from plastic milk jugs (so long as he doesn't eat them). Your old socks - make sure the new ones are kept put away so he doesn't confuse his toys with your clothes. Stuffed animals from Salvation Army or Goodwill are a dollar and he can carry them around, attack them, rip them up and pull out the stuffing (make sure he is the kind of a guy who won't eat it before you leave him alone with his prey/friend).

The Feliway suggested above is good stuff -- so is Rescue Remedy and/or other Bach's Flower Essences <http://www.bachflower.com/Pets.htm>. Pick one you think might work best, they should all be available at your local health food store/co-op for about $12.00.

Rescue Remedy: This combination of 5 Essences is a "must have" for all pet owners. It is excellent when taking the pet to the vet, after a trauma, when the pet is "not quiet well," or after an accident.

Chicory: For a pet that is in constant need of attention.

Star of Bethlehem: For an animal that have been through a traumatic experience, such as, attacked by another animal, been lost, being abused, moved to a new place, lost a loved person, been in an accident or other traumatic experiences.

Vervain: For animals that is hyperactive and always on the run.

Walnut: When changes are happening or when there need to be a change in habits. This Essence help the pet adjust to a new environment, new people or any other situation where there is a change or a need for a change. This Essences can also help a pet that is being affected by their humans emotions, Walnut protects the pet from our negative emotions.

[Grateful for Hope]

3. IndyOp -- you are such a source of wisdom

Your posts never cease to amaze me!

Thank you for sharing with us.

[meow2u3]

9. I was gone longer than expected that previous week

My friend's car broke down, leaving me stuck in Philly (I live in Reading, PA) until Saturday. I didn't mean to leave my cat home alone; I arranged for a cat sitter to check up on him. He did so. It's just that Boots is too attached to me and it wouldn't matter if the US Army came to give him comfort. The bottom line is that I wasn't around.

[IndyOp]

13. Sorry to hear you got stuck away from home...

And I am glad to hear the catnip helped!

We all feel guilty about mistakes we have made with our pets...and friends and family and country and world. (Yes, I suppose I am a guilt-racked liberal!)

I went through a similar situation when my cat Eli was a kitten -- he used to yell and yell and yell through the night and I would try to sleep through it, and he would wake me and I would yell and he would hide and it was just a nasty, vicious circle.

I wish now I had asked for some moral support. I wish now that I had put him in a kitty-safe room and shut the door and put in ear plugs. It would have been sad that I could not soothe him enough that he could sleep, but it was even more sad that I wound up yelling at him and escalating the tension in the house.

If what happened the other night is not the norm with the two of you, then that is good.

Please do consider the Feliway or Flower Essences and also the quality time. If you really let yourself enjoy the quality play time with Boots it might help you both feel better.

MANY HUGS TO YOU BOTH!

[Lorien]

11. Good advice. I can certainly understand her frustration

I have the same problem with my big guy Oberon-even when I'm home all day. If I don't give him at least ten minutes of playtime followed by cuddles in the morning and evening then he'll howl and whimper incesantly. Sometimes he lauches himself into my lap too-right when I'm in the middle of a job (not good). I've just resigned myself to the fact that he does take a good bit of time and effort every day-just as a dog does. "Punishment" never works with cats; they aren't pack animals (which use physical force to show one another "who's boss"); all they know is that they're loved one is suddenly attacking them, and it will only escalate matters for the worse. I made the same mistake many years ago when one of my kitties would piss on something of mine right in front of me if he was unhappy about something. I had always owned dogs so I did what a dog owner would do; I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, rubbed his nose in it and said "No"! with a little swat to the behind. It worked temporaily but then things got much worse. It was only after reading up on cat psychology that I learned that spanking and yelling are counterproductive means of altering feline behavior. What IndyOp suggests (a "time out") is the method most agreed on in the books that I've read as well.

Also, you might try a daily ritual when you leave, such as giving him a treat and leaving out a favorite toy, then putting away that toy when you come home. He'll begin to see the treat and toy as a promise that you will return and that this is all part of the routine, even if you aren't leaving at the same time every day.

My neighbor's cat is also very much like Boots. I kittysit him when they're away, and he's a complete mess when they're gone. It's heartbreaking, and I would certainly encourage them to rehome him as well if they were gone much more often than they are. If you can find a home for him with another kitty companion and someone you KNOW will take care of him, then maybe that would be for the best-but just beware of "bundlers". They work for labratories who use cats and dogs for medical experiments, and they are experts at passing themselves off as perfect caretakers. If the person won't let you visit him in the future, then it's best to look elsewhere.

[radfringe]

4. if he's into catnip

get him stoned...

some cats don't take to catnip (it's genetic) other's love it

[meow2u3]

8. I tried the catnip. It worked

That shut him up.....besides, he's also a stoner kitty. Purrhaps he was craving some weed :evilgrin:

[Sanity Claws]

5. Can you take him with you next time?

Five days is a long time to be by himself. Can you bring him with you the next time you stay more than a day away?
I think the folks above had some great suggestions. I hope you follow them. I think you would really regret it if you gave Boots away.

[meow2u3]

12. I can't. My friend has a dog

That dog is aggressive towards other animals, especially cats (the previous owner attacked her cat). Boots would end up being cat stew in the stomach of the dog.

[joanski0]

6. Is Boots neutered???

Very important. Especially this time of year.

[meow2u3]

10. Yes, he is neutered

He wants out because I have a lot of chipmunks, birds, and squirrels out in my front yard. He wants to sink his kitty teeth in those tasty morsels, but with the threat of bird flu, coupled with the fact that letting a cat out running loose is illegal where I live, I keep him indoors whether he likes it or not.

His escaping has nothing to do with any females in heat.

[japple]

7. Boots is a beautiful cat. He sounds very insecure. Please read

IndyOp's posting several times. There is some great information and it is presented in a thoughtful and caring manner. One of my cats loves catnip, and you can get it at the health food store--theirs is the freshest and cheapest. My other cats loves his toy--milk-jug rings on the end of a string dangled (or pulled on the floor) in front of him.

You might find that it takes some time for Boots to trust you again. Please be patient with him. You will both be rewarded. I hope you and Boots will have many happy years together.