The Epic End of Year Scream Therapy and Pillow Fight of 2009! join the fun!

[NuttyFluffers]

this is a sacred space. repeat this is posted topic is a sacred space.

its sole purpose is to VENT ONE'S SPLEEN about life's problems from this pst year.

rules:

outside of breaking DU rules, this is a place to scream, cry, curse, stomp, and throw things (metaphorically).

but instead of the Speaking Staff, we have the Screaming Pillow. so when you disagree (or agree) with someone, don't lovingly ask for the Speaking Staff, THROW THE SCREAM PILLOW (especially at each other)! and then rant your pretty little head off!

everyone gets to splat, biff, and paff each of us with pillows! let's get all our frustrations out from this past year, and then go eat gooey treats!

[FirstLight]

1. Lemme get it building...

right now i am still feeling peaceful from my solstice drumfest from last night. I am about to go out in the winter weather and deal with the average crowds and crud...so I'll be back to scream in a while, i am sure!

Meanwhile, carry on, may this sacred "Padded Cell" keep us all sane for a few more days/weeks till the new energy kicks in next month! I dig this idea!!! Very TA (transactional analysis)

[NuttyFluffers]

2. *sofa cushion attack!* i'm GODDAMN TIRED of being SICK AND TIRED!

i don't care if it's gaia vomiting the collective bad juju of a thousand ages, or "the stars are right," or there's energy gnomes with siphons everywhere (called televisions), but i am tired of having to be tired all the time!

i can't stand the past few months of ZERO energy. i'm tired of waking up and feel like i had just ran a marathon and cleaned an entire block of homes and for good measure was beaten with rubber hoses. i hate sleeping over 15 hours on my day off and waking up just to collapse 5 hours later to go back sleeping. fucking piece of shit! get this ugly energy out of me already!

*fling poo-colored chocolate pudding!*

AAGGGGHHHH!

[LiberalEsto]

3. Shrieeeeeeeeeeek!

I would love to kick a LOT of butts, but as Mr. Natural famously once said, kicking asses is hard work.
So here is one whopping kick

!KA-POW!

for all the asses out there that so righteously deserve kicking.

:bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :banghead:



Thank you very much, and happy Winter Solstice.

[BlueIris]

4. Primal scream ain't gonna do it for me--I want vengeance.

Against my obstacles, people, not any human being specifically.

I guess I could try screaming into a metaphorical pillow, but the truth is I'd rather whip out the metaphorical pocket knife, and rip the pillow to shreds.

[NuttyFluffers]

12. be careful of Blue Iris, she'll cut'cha! go to long range, fling balled up pairs of sock!

later we will practice the "death from above" spatula-to-the-face attack... aiya!

:bounce:

[LiberalEsto]

16. My 5-month-old puppy

would be MORE than happy to come over and shred your pillows for free! :)

But I hear ya, BlueIris.
I'd like to employ a freshly sharpened athame' on a few inanimate objects myself.

[Cleita]

5. I'm really disappointed that we, who are supposed to be a civilized country,

can't get universal health care right whereas every other industrial country in the world and some third world country like Cuba can. I have been silently screaming every time I have to see Lieberman's face and every other batty Repub Senator bloviating about it. The lies are so obvious I can't stand it.

[SeattleGirl]

6. Hi Cleita. I usually end up yelling at them on the TV, "Liar, liar!!

Shut up! I am not as stupid as you wish I were!"

I get that out, then turn to my husband and we both laugh. The healthcare issue is not funny; it is I who is funny for yelling at the TV, but you know, it does me some good because I get that steaming anger out in a physical, tangible way, and I feel much better. Then I can go back to the work of calling, emailing, etc., the people who and supposed to represent us (but so often forget that).

[Cleita]

7. You should have heard me last night.

:rofl: I live alone but when my husband was alive he used to tell me to stop yelling because they can't hear me. It's good that your husband is tolerant of that.

[SeattleGirl]

10. Yeah, he and the dog just cling to each other until I'm done.

:rofl:

[NuttyFluffers]

13. i am impressed your primal scream comes out as sedate disappointment. *foam bat attack*

*toss you spare foam bat*

to the bastille! we'll send so many into the hospital with foam abrasions and mild hematomas that they'll beg for better health care for all!

we need a squeaky hammer brigade... who's with us!

[FirstLight]

8. People SUCK

Literally....they just SUCK the joy and grounding and goodness RIGHT out of me sometimes....

Had to go to the grocery store for last minute things to keep the troops happy over vacation (god, they eat me out of house & home!) and the people were just THICK with the STOOPID...and the cloisterphobia I dont usually have in spaces lke the grocery aisles just got really bad and I was exhausted by the end of it all....add to that that OF COURSE i get the ONE buggy with the BUM wheel...fuck!

so i am trying to get the hell outta there and walking in front of the cashiers stations to the doors... there's 2 EMPTY carts all cockeyed in the way and a man standing right next to them...and he watched me sturggle with my daughter and moving these cats, geting hung up on one of them and having to unhook...
I said "Thanks SO mucu for your help!" smiling
he said "ya well, merry christmas to you too..." all agressive
I grinned even harder and said through my teeth..." It's really nice of you to take your hands out of your pockets to help someone"
he yelled at me in front of my duaghter as we walked away
"get some fuckin' prozac-bitch!"

I wanted to turn around and kill him with the nearest candy cane!


I am exhausted and need a salt bath to wash away this crap...UGH!
people are assholes and everyone os poor and those who aren;t are just too stupid to realize they are on borrowed time and the whole thing is a SHAM...money, credit, ownership, politics, career, ...ALL OF IT
I am DONE with the sub-level humans and wish they would just GO with the lower vibration already and leave us be!


aaarrfrggghhhh!!!~!YYYEEEAAAHHHHHH!!!!

[Eurobabe]

9. Don't have the energy to scream or hack a pillow

I am dealing with so many losses and changes right now that I spend most of my time curled up in a little ball wishing the world would just go away. 2009 has been the worst year of my almost 50 years on this planet. I wouldn't want to repeat this year for nothing. My eyes are wide open now, and I am not liking what I am seeing. But at least now I am observing and being honest with myself. Personal message to self: be careful what you wish for.

I suppose in time I will understand the purpose of the big motherfucking train wreck of '09, but right now I am just hurting to the core. I feel angry, bitter and disillusioned with everything. I feel like I have so much to mourn about, I don't know where to start. Lately I have been grieving over the fact that I will never live in Europe again, and it's been so incredibly painful to accept. WTF did I come back here anyway? This country is completely fucking nuts! :banghead: :mad: OK, rant over, for now.

[OneGrassRoot]

15. ....

I hear you about being too worn out to scream.

I'm so sorry, Eurobabe. :(

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I sure hope 2010 is much lighter and brighter for everyone.

[WhiteTara]

11. I've thrown myself to the floor and am

now kicking my heels as hard as I can and screaming until my lungs ache. I live in paradise, have all that I need and some of what I want, but there is a deep ache that I can not assuage.

[Cleita]

14. I really understand how you feel.

For the last nine years, I could have gardened and indulged in my hobbies of knitting and sewing. I live in a beautiful place, not fancy, a trailer, but I have a lovely view of the ocean. I could have ignored it all and lived in bliss, but as long as one homeless person was suffering and one person died without healthcare and wars were killing innocents, I couldn't enjoy that bliss, so I know what you mean.

[LiberalEsto]

17. This has been a HORRIBLE decade.

My DH just realized the other day that we've gone through a complete decade of crap. The only time in my life that was worse was junior high school. And that was only 3 years of hell.

Maybe, just maybe, the decade that starts in 2010 will offer some improvements.

[FirstLight]

18. The whole decade has been a 'wash' for me too...

I was *just* mentioning o a friend that i hope my 40s are better cuz i practically LOST my 30s to "life experience".

This has been a decade of "one step waaaaay back" for us ALL...look at the planet and where we have come. Yes, of course we have technological advances, etc...but in reality the conservativism, fundamentals and fringe freaks have been growing both here and abroad (I think the rethug crazies are as bad as any taliban) and human rights have been suffering globally, as well as climate and earth being screwn beyond measure...

you know, I spent the first half of 2000-2005 in abuse and torment, and the second half fighting to 'get back on my feet'
sound familiar? ... sounds to me like the rest of us have been dealing with that pain and crap in one way or another for SO freaking LONG!!

*throwing china at the walls to bask in the breaking noises*

NOW! for the NEXT 10 years of change and choices and shifting towards LIGHT!!
dammitt!

*polishes off the champagne flute and smashes it for one last punctuation!*

[I Have A Dream]

19. I remembering doing this in real life when I was MUCH younger...

and then realizing that I was the one who had to clean it up afterwards. I never did it again. (How Capricornian is that?)

I could really get into yours here! Brava!

:hug:

[FirstLight]

20. Bwahaha!

I would never do that indoors, because of the safety and the mess....:rofl: you cappy, you!

BUT - I want to build a horseshoe pit in the backyard area and get some dime-store plates - for when i need SMASH-Therapy!!!

[Sweet Freedom]

21. Okay

I'm afraid my complaints aren't as noble as justice for all, but my feelings are hurt and my heart is broken.

I can't believe after escaping from 18 horrific years of mental, emotional and verbal abuse and waiting 4 years to start any type of relationship that I end up lost and confused and alone at Christmas and that someone I cherished as a true friend has treated me this way.

I can't believe that I gave my hand, my shoulder, my ear and my heart to this man whenever he was down, and now, he can't even send me a text, an e-mail, a phone call and tell me what is going on.

I can't believe we went from talking every single day--good-morning texts, how-is-your-day-going e-mails, and sweet-dreams phone calls--to no communication at all.

I can't believe that someone I had such an immediate connection to, that I understood instantly, who told me he liked me more each time he spoke to me, now doesn't speak to me at all.

And I don't know why.

He said his life is hell and he'll explain everything soon (when the hell is soon), but I can't think of anything that would make his life so awful that he can't even find a second to text, e-mail or call. Does he not realize I have feelings and that this hurts?

So, I can only assume that his feelings for me changed overnight.

Why? What happened?

And each day, I keep hoping that today will be the day I hear from him, and he has some believable explanation why he's been absent from my life. But each night I go to bed having ached through another lonely day. And each morning, I wake up crying and have to come here to try to find my happy face, but try as I might, I just have another day of sadness and anger and confusion.

And I didn't think any birthday could have been worse that my birthday this year. But next Saturday, if I still haven't heard from him and he hasn't told me Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and happy birthday--that will truly be my worst birthday ever.

And if he was just some guy, I wouldn't care and I'd write him off as a jerk. But he's not just some guy. He's been my friend for years. We've liked each other for years.

And I don't know what happened.

[I Have A Dream]

22. I'm so sorry, Sweet Freedom.

:(

:hug:

[FirstLight]

23. My empathy is storng with you here, girl

I know that feeling when something shifts suddenly in a relationship and the feeling of loss and confusion at the 'Pull-away' that can be so painful. I recently experienced a similar breakup as you know and i am still reeling from the loss.

I hate that I can run across and article or find something in the store and I can;t open the door and share it with him.

I hate that I still have one of his shirts and when I wear it I wish it was him embracong me...and no matter how many times I wash it I can still feel his vibe. ...and I hate that I can't bring myself to get rid of it or give it back.

i hate that I went out and hooked up with some cute guy and had revenge sex, and couldn;t even enjoy it because I miss having someone who knows my body and can play and be natural in bed.

so ya, i get you, sistah...i do.
I wish there was more i could offer at this time, more than an ear and a knowing nod & hug...
I wish i could say we will both find ourselves in relationship sooner than we think and better than before, but I know not when.
I wish the guys who are doing "whatever" could understand that friendship and love are not switched to be flipped on & off so easily.
all i DO know is that the ache DOES fade over time, we know that much...and being cappies, we are survivors, so we WILL live to love again. we will mourn the loss but soon enough, we will stop looking back...

:hug: Here's to 2010 being a MUCH beter year! :toast:
Now, DRINK this here champagne and TOSS that Glass! *shatter!*

[Sweet Freedom]

26. Yeah,

I redecorated my bedroom and I bought everything with him in mind. So, my entire bedroom reminds me of him.

We work together, so work reminds me of him. He's my IT guy, so my computer reminds me of him. We discovered our mutual attraction while chatting on Facebook, so FB reminds me of him.

He has a black truck. I live in Texas. All black trucks in Texas remind me of him (kill me).

TV, movies, songs, commercials, my commute, the color blue, my shoes, my lingerie, my desk that he helped me move, our mutual friends, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the words "sweet" and "gotcha", children, astrology, dogs, cats, anything funny, ...even glue reminds me of him. :(

And now I'm getting scared that he hates me and I'm going to get that scorpion sting.:scared:

[hermetic]

24. Awww, Sweet Freedom

:hug: Been through the same thing. Time after time. He would go no contact for weeks, months. Then suddenly reappear, no real explanation other than he was depressed, or busy. (Now I know he only came back because he needed money.) I was always so overjoyed when we were back together, I never worried over what was really going on with him. In the end though, he became very verbally and emotionally abusive and totally had me under his control. Until it turned physical and I had to call the cops. And they had to tell me that I was being abused and where to look for help.

That was when I learned about narcissistic personality disorder. You might want to Google that, perhaps it is what you are dealing with. Here's a good place to start.
http://planetjan.wordpress.com/2008/07/05/close-encounter-with-a-narcissist-part-1/

What really gripes me is that now he goes around telling people that I'm a sociopath. That I did some horrible thing to him. :crazy: I, who spent every morning for 6 months huddled in a fetal position crying my eyes out. And then crying myself to sleep every night. :grr:

So, Mister low down, lying, conniving, heartless, soulless, son of a bitch, for every time you kicked me in the teeth when I was down on my knees, KEEE...RASH. (That was a big china bowl) Pillow in hand, filled with a penny for every tear I shed for you, WHOMP. I swallow my champagne and hurl the flute onto the rocks as the shards fly, like the shards of my heart, and wish you true karma.

Wow, thanks, I feel better now. :smoke:

:rant:

[Sweet Freedom]

25. my ex-husband was a narcissist

ugh.

No, I think the scorpio guy is just immature and has been hurt by women in the past, so when I got mad at him, he just shut down, ...maybe as a defense mechanism?

I just hope he can man-up and we can save our friendship. I like him as a friend and he's my favorite co-worker. He's just a crappy boyfriend. :(

Thanks! :hug:

[Manifestor_of_Light]

27. GRRR!!!!

This decade got a lot better after my parents stopped nagging me. They died.

Things are a lot better for me financially and romantically now.

However, I hate living in a little town with idiots around, and I innocently took over a drum circle some miles away, here in the boonies, which was failing. The response of the members was to chew me out (a bunch of pagans)and tell me how horrible I was for taking over the group, when the founder couldn't pay the fees to meetup and did not have a job. Nobody else volunteered to lead the group and/pay the fees. I made it clear i was not a drummer.

Oh and ya know what else I did? I offered these people the use of my house for meetups and parties. At no charge to them. I was even going to spend my own money on food and drink.

Then they got insulted because I told them "Namaste" and also said I was an atheist.
I guess they would have liked it if I said "Hey there you transient meaningless stupid meatsack" instead of "I salute the Godforce within you"????

:wtf:

As Clare Boothe Luce said, "No good deed goes unpunished".

Now I realize I have a limited tolerance for extremely spacy people.

Oh, and I need to figure out what to do to have more energy. I'm working on it. I need a revelation of what I need to do to have more energy and motivation.


Grrr.... :grr:

[hermetic]

28. Ouch.

Have you tried Donna Eden's methods for energy? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vr-FEoY440g

Wishing you the best.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

43. Thanx!!!

I had seen one of her videos posted in ASAH, and then forgot about it.

Happy Solstice, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Saturnalia, Yule, Eid, etc....


AXIAL TILT IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON

[Sanity Claws]

29. Where do I throw the pillow when I blame myself?

I'm not a masochist but I blame myself for a lot of my problems. I see my role in them. My problem is that I use avoidance to cope. Avoidance is a good coping technique for some things and up to a point. I've gotten past that point and don't seem to have the willpower or know the method for getting out of it.

The entire decade was very difficult for me.

[MorningGlow]

30. I've got an idea

How about we both take up arms (pillows--the extra soft kind) and wail on each other with them? Because I've been using avoidance to cope for most of this year which is not like me--I usually tackle issues head on. Not this year for some reason, although I NEED to or get stuck in a massive rut even worse than '09 has been.
Maybe we can knock some sense into each other in a loving sort of way...? :shrug: :rofl:



:hug:

[Sanity Claws]

31. This isn't like me either!

It's as though so much went on for the past decade that hiding, avoiding became attractive.

I've been told that taking baby steps is the way to cure this problem. But it's so easy to start the baby steps tomorrow.

Are you able to break your issues down into baby steps?

[MorningGlow]

32. I have only one step

but it's a big one.

[Sanity Claws]

33. Are you afraid of what may happen if you take the step?

I'm afraid of what may result, so I have problems starting.

[MorningGlow]

36. Yes, I'm afraid

I don't know what the outcome would be if I took the step, and I fear that it would be worse than my current situation. So I drag my heels, hoping that something else will happen to alter the situation without my having to take action. And we all KNOW that ain't how it works!

[FirstLight]

34. wow...mee too

Avoidance has become a bad haboit, for sure....just crawl in bed and be depressed and not look at the issues...but they are still there when I am forced to get up and deal with the world.

A close friend/mentor was comforting me the other day and said that my big issue was that I am SO hung up on others 'getting' MY process... when it is just mine to begin with.
I can see that alot of my heartbreak with todd has been related to just that - I want him to be just as upset as I am, for the same reasons....and that just doesn't allow for another's lessons, contracts or issues...or honor that MINE are different.

so ya... please whomp me upside the head with those pillows too!

[OneGrassRoot]

35. I can relate to this part of things....

You wrote, "...my big issue was that I am SO hung up on others 'getting' MY process... when it is just mine to begin with. I can see that alot of my heartbreak with todd has been related to just that - I want him to be just as upset as I am, for the same reasons....and that just doesn't allow for another's lessons, contracts or issues...or honor that MINE are different."

I went through a REALLY intense process over the last two years with a dear friend about a project that is almost sacred to both of us. She is a dear, dear friend. I went through (or created?) my own private hell in large part because I WANTED TO BE UNDERSTOOD.

Not just heard, but understood. I discovered there's a huge difference.

I have always had a NEED to be understood. When I finally realized that sometimes we can't be understood and, as your mentor said, it's OUR issue...our process...not another's, it was a tremendous weight lifted.

I took it as a lack of respect when another wouldn't even try to understand how I felt and wouldn't invest the energy I felt due in order to "get" what I'm saying/feeling.

I don't see it that way now that I'm on the other side. It was one of the many things that led me to this "compassionate detachment" place. Pure fatigue was involved in large part; emotional fatigue of trying to be understood, and understand others. ;)

I'm not only compassionately detached from others more than ever, but I'm also removed from many of my previous needs and ways of being that drove me bonkers. The need to be understood is one of the biggies.

;)

:hug:

[FirstLight]

37. Ya, I am still in the throes of it

I understand the concept, but practicing it will be more of a challenge.

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, and have not wanted to 'control' my emotions because I thought it made me less 'alive'...silly youthful rebellious attitude. I can remember weeping & wailing as a teenager saying "i don't WANNA get old and have my emotions dry up!"

now I see that emotions don't 'dry up'...but we get to learn about control and mastery so that the emotions don't rule US. It's hard, i am not very good at it, I'll admit.

Compassion and detachment are skills that I can handle when it has to do with others...but when it comes to myself, i just "leak" my experience all over the place.

the need to be UNDERSTOOD is so hard to let go of, I am a communicator, and I need to tell my story and have it validated. Which sounds very juvenile when i say it that way. Maybe I can do some timeline work on it here soon and try to understand and control it better. If I can channel the need to be heard into something else, perhaps then I can really let go and allow others to have their lessons and really start learning my own as well.
good new year's resolution, eh?

[OneGrassRoot]

38. I think so :)

I think it's a great resolution, a gift to YOU. :)

I'm re-reading Sarah Ban Breathnach's "Simple Abundance." If you (or anyone reading this) hasn't read it, I highly recommend it. I'm able to read it because it's one of those daily entries type of book; it's bathroom reading.

But, man oh man, I gain something from it every time I read it. It came out back in the mid-90's and was significant in a personal shift of mine at the time, and it affects me each time I read it. The proverbial onion peeling thing. ;)

Each day there is a line or phrase that I'm tempted to come here to share but never do, but they're little thoughts or tidbits or quotes that I know so many would resonate with.

A few days ago I read an entry in which she was talking about her own writing process. She said something to the effect that when she realized she was no longer writing for OTHERS -- to receive validation -- but instead was writing to understand HERSELF, that was a huge evolution for her spiritually and emotionally.

Just sayin'.

More :hug:

[FirstLight]

40. Here's the flip side to validation...

I also tend to be a 'permeable membrane' when it comes to being told i am not good enough or that I am wrong or the like. If someone tells me that my work is not all that great, i internalize it and assume they mean I SUCK.
If someone doesn't want me (i.e. todd the ex BF) I assume it's because I am not loveable or some shit.

So even if I am not "for" that person, job, etc... I still feel like I need reassurance that I am still nice, competent, loveable, etc... WTF?

sounds really backasswards...

[OneGrassRoot]

41. What is that saying?

Acknowledgment of the issue is the first step.

If you read back through your threads, maybe some "aha" moment will jump out at you as a way in which to move out of this space. You clearly see where you are and recognize it isn't good for you at all. You certainly acknowledge it.

From the outside looking in (I know, never a good thing...lol), it seems you've dissected your way of being plenty. You see the ins and outs of YOU and your struggles. You know yourself very well.

Now, the really hard part is shifting how you perceive things and react to them, based on your inner knowing of you, 'cause the external shit may not let up any time soon.

Your emotional fatigue may make that decision for you. That's what pretty much did me in. ;)

:hug:

[NuttyFluffers]

42. you beat yourself with a pillow until you start laughing instead

like Calgon, ancient Chinese secret. Taoists were best pillow fighters; they fought others by flowing path of least resistance, by beating themselves...

[Fire Walk With Me]

39. Let's see...I'm on "happy pills" to tame my "extreme" bipolarity...

and they fix my mood extremities...excepting when I consider the side-effects!

-Extreme insomnia
-Loss of creativity
-Loss of mental capacity/memory
-Exteme loss of energy (have only four or five "good" hours a day).

Happy pills are an oxymoron. Admittedly, they're my term, not the doctors'.

I just miss my work in music and music electronics...even my ability to get to a lot of Anonymous meetings.