Psychobabble 101

[OneGrassRoot]

I find myself in a HUGE VORTEX OF CONFUSION. ;)

No doubt it's my Virgo side that just absolutely cannot understand this, but I would really, really appreciate your thoughts.

I'm not inclined to be the kind of person who feels they have to FIX everything for others. I do, however, have a need to understand (but I'm trying to get away from that).

Still, when someone at a forum such as DU, and even ASAH, posts something in which they share their thoughts, opinions, beliefs, experiences, it's been my feeling that respectful discussion about those thoughts, opinions, beliefs and experiences is a given, or it's certainly open for discussion.

I ask questions because I genuinely want to learn, and I genuinely want to learn why people feel what they feel (since I absorb those feelings so easily, it naturally follows, for me, that it's helpful to understand where those feelings are coming from).

I don't ask questions out of judgment or skepticism or anything such as that.

Perhaps how I ask the question is faulty, though I'm uber careful about not offending (and when I DO write something blatantly offensive to anyone and everyone reading, I most certainly meant to...lol).

But someone just enlightened me that the mere act of asking questions is offensive to many people. It doesn't matter how or what necessarily; for some people, questions are offensive.

In all honesty, that stuns me and I don't know what to make of that.

Since this has happened on several occasions in the last few weeks, I will definitely be hesitant to ask questions of anyone, as the last thing on this Earth I want to do is cause another pain or offend.

Do you guys find that questions, in general -- even if asked respectfully and thoughtfully -- are offensive to your personality type?

That's the only question I'm going to ask about the whole subject. ;)

:grouphug:

[I Have A Dream]

1. I have seen this also, OGR, and I also don't understand.

It has made me very cautious about responding here. :(

I'm sorry that this has happened. I can honestly say that I don't know anyone who would be less likely to deliberately hurt someone than you.

By the way, I'm not criticizing anyone who feels the way that OGR described; everyone has the right to their feelings. However, this is a discussion group and to expect no questions is not realistic. It shuts down the very thing that this group is here to accomplish -- at least in my opinion.

OGR, I agree with you 100%.

:hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

2. Bless you....

Thank you for understanding what I'm struggling with, IHAD. :hug:

I also am not criticizing those who feel whatever they feel. Most of us here realize we haven't walked in the other person's shoes, and that there are no doubt valid reasons for feeling as they do.

We all have a right to our feelings. I'm just trying to find my way in working within this dynamic of trying to understand (and, when applicable, be of service) yet not being able to ask questions freely.

This is a huge lesson for me now...it's not a trivial thing at all, as it's impacting very critical aspects of my life and I'm trying to....understand. ;)

Yet it's that desire to understand that is what is causing a problem, so it seems.

I do understand that sometimes we simply want someone to listen...not to respond, not to ask questions, not to try to fix things. I do indeed "get" that.

I suppose it's the nature (or my interpretation) of online forums for me to be predisposed to feel interaction is a positive thing, so long as it's respectful. And I certainly realize that even at a forum such as this we can post something and say, "I'm not looking for replies or suggestions...just silent support and a space for me to vent is all that is wanted."

I'm not referring to those types of posts.

I refer to sharings (and this isn't just forum posts but also on the phone, in email, in person...myriad ways of interacting) in which someone seems (perhaps that's my error?) to be attempting to share in order to educate or enlighten others who may be ready.

And, because I am interested in what is shared, yet don't really "get" it, I ask questions.

Then the person seems to feel they are having to defend whatever he/she has shared, when that is definitely not my intention at all. In such instances, I'm merely a humble seeker, yet I seem to have caused pain by the act of asking questions.

I do apologize if that's the case for anyone reading.

I'm bringing this up because I'm very serious when I say I find myself in a huge vortex of confusion about this...not knowing how to interact with anyone, yet communication having always been so very important to me.

I do wish we'd all hurry up and be purely psychic so these thorny communication issues will go away. ;) For now, at least, it feels they are more difficult and dicey than ever. :(

Thanks again, IHAD, and to anyone else reading my ramble today.

:grouphug:

[get the red out]

5. Questions are good things

Anymore I try to look at why a question makes me uncomfortable, if it does. The answer usually lies in some chip on my shoulder that needs knocked off like so much stray dandruff.

I agree OGR is certainly not someone who would ask a question for anything but the appropriate purpose, learning.

[MorningGlow]

3. You're not alone, OGR

I've seen the same behavior and it dismays me as well.

I've often found that the nature of the DU beast is that it is too frequently used as a megaphone to blast one's own opinions, without expecting any feedback other than total agreement. Even worse, some posters view questions as challenges instead of simple requests for information.

It's not you, nor is it how you're asking your questions; instead, it's the poster's perception--that any question is a lure into a downward spiral of a war of words intended to discredit him or her. It's a shame that DUers have been inured to this sort of baiting tactic--that they expect it from anyone who responds to them--but I can see where it's coming from, because many posters DO use this tactic to draw people in, in order to later "eviscerate" them (in their eyes).

I just don't understand why everything has to be a fight. :shrug: I would welcome any posters who, like you, ask questions in a sincere effort to understand the other person's point of view.

[OneGrassRoot]

6. If we interact at all, it does feel as though there is.....

a constant battle, or potential for battle. Whether it's online with strangers or within our own families.

I don't find anything flows easily these days...nothing at all. :shrug:

Thanks for sharing your experience, MG.

:hug:

[get the red out]

4. I don't mind questions, and tend to ask them

I love the topics on ASAH and want to learn so I tend to ask questions. I have had both positive and negative results in asking questions in other forums on DU (and other forums online outside DU).

I recently had the experience of engaging in a topic on DU in GD and I and another person had a very positive exchange regarding something we had both experienced, but my post attracted the attention of someone who felt the need to use a standard "stock" finger-pointing comeback that is used for anyone daring to express the opinion the other person and I had and phrased it in a question directed at me, meant to put me down and not to be answerable. The funny part is when I calmly answered their question without taking the fight bait the person never responded, I guess an answer wasn't all that important to them.

I think that these kinds of passive-aggressive online attacks meant to greatly discourage certain exchanges that violate unspoken forbidden opinions or topics are so common that people post ready for a fight at times. I used to go looking for fights, but then it was when I knew I was saying something that other "liberals" on DU would police HEAVILY (usually having to do with misogyny from some select, protected group), so I got what I expected and frankly am surprised I didn't get "tombstoned" for coming back at them. But once someone has been attacked like that even when they weren't looking for a fight, they are perhaps defensive over any question at all. So people become the "posting wounded" and it affects their overall interactions with others online. It is a shame, the "policing", IMO, of opinions that certain little gangs do not want to permit just ruins the entire potential of exchange we have online. I think that is the root of people's knee jerk reactions to any question at all. We just have a very limiting society online because there are people that cannot accept that anyone could ever think differently from them and they set out to make damn sure that they are shut out of discussion.

Our society in general has become less accepting of debate and questions and at the same time VERY accepting of coarse, raging, hate directed at anyone who thinks differently than one's own group. We are almost uncivilized at this point.

[OneGrassRoot]

7. As always, great wisdom in your posts, GTRO

Our society in general has become less accepting of debate and questions and at the same time VERY accepting of coarse, raging, hate directed at anyone who thinks differently than one's own group. We are almost uncivilized at this point.

That's how it feels.

Every one, and everything...every relationship...feels so fragile to me. Just my personal opinion, of course.

It would be much easier for me to simply go with the approach I've always been inclined toward: If after trying a few times there is resistance to or lack of communication (though truly no one's fault...it just IS), I usually give up and avoid even trying to interact.

For whatever reason, I feel there's a huge life lesson here for me...that there's something I'm missing and can heal...which is why I'm posing this for discussion. I'm SO open to seeing this a different way and learning how to DO this better.

:hi:

:hug:

[Kind of Blue]

8. I have nothing to add but that GTRO is probably

the best spoken person I've read in a long while.
Wow, you can talk the talk :thumbsup:

[get the red out]

13. You are entirely too kind.

I'll probably waltz out into GD and show my backside at any moment, LOL! :silly:

[Kind of Blue]

14. LOLOLOL... neh, just calling it as I see and feel it. n/t

[MorningGlow]

9. "Policing" of opinions

Quite true--well stated, GTRO. :applause:

I honestly don't understand how some people can perceive others' opinions as a threat to their own.

[OneGrassRoot]

10. "recovering humans"

I'm reading this AMAZING book by Scott Peck (of "The Road Less Traveled") called "The Different Drum" -- written in the late 80's, I believe.

It's about community...authentic communities, and his experience with them. How this translates to online interactions is fascinating to me. But again, the issues I've experienced recently aren't limited to online interactions; it's a general communication thing, I find. Without a doubt, however, people allow themselves to be more harsh in their reactions and interactions when having the anonymity of a screen name in the virtual world. :)

Anyway, I just read a passage in which he said that, in his opinion, AA was the best example of a community...a truly accepting community...because everyone acknowledges from the start that they're "broken" in some way. They're, in part, identified as "recovering alcoholics."

Indeed, we're all "broken" in some way, if we look at our human selves. Experiencing the human condition in its totality involves being broken to some degree, at one time or another, in my humble opinion. ;)

I think a community of "recovering humans" sounds pretty good. I'd feel comfortable there.

:grouphug:

edit for typo

[MorningGlow]

11. OMG this echoes what I was thinking this morning

When I was observing the reiki portion of the Spiritualist service I attended this morning, I noticed an informal session going on in one of the front rows--it seemed two friends were talking about an issue one had. The one with the issue started sobbing as they talked quietly, and they left the service for a while. The pastor followed them out to see if everything was all right. And at that moment a strong thought popped into my head: "We are all broken."

No one is unscathed. No one is perfect. No one is better than anyone else. Because we have all been wounded in various ways.

Interesting to see it here as well! ;)

:grouphug:

[get the red out]

12. Most ancient wisdom

It just seems that most ancient wisdom points out that humanity is flawed in general, and that we each need to address these wayward tendencies. So I can go with recovering humans. All of humanity has been recovering from various things through each generation. I guess it's part of the process.

I am anxious for more civil discourse, but I still have to work on my own, I readily admit I can get hateful, but I'm working on it. ;-)

[Cleita]

15. What exactly are you talking about?

I've read your post many times and it makes no sense to me. It seems there is a lot that is not being said that would make things clearer. Maybe a link to the thread(s) or post(s) that offended you would be helpful. As for your question about asking questions being offensive, I'd say no as long as they aren't of the personal type, like asking something personal that crosses the line of good manners or good taste.

:shrug: I hope this helps.

[OneGrassRoot]

16. It's not a thread at DU, Cleita....

Though there have been times this has indeed occurred at DU and at ASAH.

It's a recurring situation I'm experiencing. I explained more at the link below, and clarified that I'm not talking only about DU or ASAH or online forums in particular, as this has occurred on the phone and in person as well.

It's a general experience I'm having with a handful of people recently -- none of them related in any way -- and I'm weighing whether to keep trying to interact with people I "clash" with (even though I honestly had no idea I was clashing!) or not even try.

The only reason I would ask any question would be to understand more about what has been posted or said, or when someone has asked for my help with something and I don't understand enough to be able to help.

Beyond that, I try to be careful not to pry or even seem as though I'm prying.

People have emotional and mental body armor on all the time nowadays, so it seems -- not only online. It's hard to have authentic interaction...a true give and take, even with a pure intention of being respectful...without someone getting upset.

I suppose every single thing is subjective though. I'm sharing my observations and my interpretation of the experiences. Learning that the mere act of questioning can be interpreted so many different ways really had me shaken yesterday.

:shrug:


http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=245x114728#114732

[Cleita]

17. If you are doing all you can to be respectful then I'd say

the problem is with those people you are are interacting with and not you. Asking questions is part of life and is common in our discourse. Maybe it's time to put a little distance between yourself and these people who are easily offended over what appears to be nothing.

[OneGrassRoot]

19. Indeed....

I often feel I need to put distance between myself and Humanity in general. LOL.

We probably all feel that way at one time or another. :eyes:

Thanks. :hi:

[Fire Walk With Me]

24. If it is causing you discomfort or even distress, put it on the back-burner.

Now is the time to detach from that which causes us harm, and to focus upon that which brings us joy.

It is oddly that simple.

[OneGrassRoot]

18. BTW, I wasn't offended....

in any of these instances. Quite the contrary: To my surprise, I discovered that I've offended others by asking questions.

If there were a specific thread to point to here at DU or ASAH (which there isn't), I'm not sure I would, as that would be calling someone out which is against the rules.

However, HAD this pertained to an ASAH thread, I wouldn't have posted what I did at all and I most certainly wouldn't make veiled comments. I would have kept my question to myself. ;)

It's because I was relaying a general experience, not a specific one, that you probably feel something was left unsaid/unwritten.

:)

[Fire Walk With Me]

20. Everything is always open for discussion

even when it's proven to be one thing only ;)

Belief is a wonderful thing. It allows beings to enjoy in their heads anything they wish.

For example, I am certain that the shift to 2012 will occur as I have described here and in my blog. If I find that it is changing or has changed, I will say so. So far, it has not required editing. :shrug:

[Celebration]

21. That's strange!

Why would anyone be offended by questions? If that is true I am sure I have offended a lot of people here.

When did this come up?

Did you hear of this by PM?

What personality type doesn't like questions?

How do you think we should reply if we can't ask questions?

Does it make people feel violated, or something?

Can't they just not answer them if they don't like them?

Don't they know that it is part of normal back and forth dialogue?

Sorry, couldn't resist. :silly:

[OneGrassRoot]

22. LMAO!!

:rofl:

Nice! :applause:

:hug:

[elleng]

23. WTH!!!!

This is NOT a question!

:grouphug: