reconnecting with my sister

[northernlights]

It's been a few weeks since the reconnect happened, and it seems so long ago like it never happened. I'll recount here. I had called my sister the first time, after hearing of her cancer. She was weak from the chemo, and gentle although there were odd flareups...talking about how much we loved our labs, and suddenly a gutteral "that stupid dog blah, blah, blah" and then I jumped in and got her back to "but we love our dogs."

I was going to call the following weekend, but it felt "wrong." Same thing the weekend after. And then Istarted having memories flare up of her mental abuse of me, calling me "not human" "the brain" and screaming at me when I made a normal, human mistake, unable to come to my graduation "That's ok, Kathy, I realize you have final exams yourself" and then a few years later screaming at me when I didn't come to hers (Um, Kathy, you've been in school part time for along time, you needed to let us *know* you were graduating). The two happy memories I had posted in here were the *only* happy memories I have of her. All the rest are abuse memories.

It felt even more wrong to call her. And then on a Wednesday, suddenly everything felt "wrong." I heard her sobbing, lying down and very weak, saying to somebody to tell me how sorry she was for how she had treated me. As before, I felt myself stroking her head and consoling her. If anyone had asked, or if I had written, I would have said that I believed her chemo took place on that Wednesday, and that something had gone very wrong.

The following weekend I called. Her chemo *had* taken place that Wednesday. The chemo causing severe pain and weakness in her joints. She had stopped by her hairdresser to pick up a new scarf and her legs suddenly couldn't carry her. She collapsed, sobbing, in the middle of the hairdressers. Now talking about it she was embarrassed, because she *never* cries, ever. (When my mother would beat us, she'd tell us to quit crying or she'd give us something to cry about, and then would hit us harder.) That's one of the big differences between us. It took me years of therapy, and for a long time my therapist would cry for me. But now I cry easily and often.

Anyway, the conversation was pretty stilted. She was back to her "old" self, which is to say prickly and cold. And I realized that really, our relationship died a long, long time ago. She is pretty much a stranger to me.

It feels odd. This has been going on for some 10 years. People with whom there were still "tendrils" of connection have reappeared, reconnected and then the "tendrils" dry up and they move on. I had been able to connect with her when she was weakened by the cancer, but the rest of the time she blocks me. Even now, if I try to focus in on her, I feel the prickliness. She's not ready to let go and be real and honest. if and wehen she is again, I will reconnect and send her love as I have before. In the meantime I am more alone than ever.

And so my dealing with it is not really anything especially strong. It's just dealing with the sickness of a near stranger. "So sorry to hear about that" and so on. It is not lost on me that she hasn't called me in 25 years or so. Not when she was well. Not when she was driving 15 minutes past my home on her way to vacation in Belfast, Maine. Not now, either. :shrug:

[Celebration]

1. It is what it is................

And you are there for a semi-stranger, at times, because she wants it and needs it. You had your own way of dealing with this all these years, and there is both a detachment in your feelings but also a psychic connection. Just continue to take it as an interesting experience, and a process of learning.

Still, I know there is something a little bit surreal about the whole thing.

:hug:

[northernlights]

3. surreal is the perfect word for it

thank you... :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

2. I think that you're handling it all very well, northernlights.

I hope that after some time has passed, this experience will help you to permanently heal from some of what has happened to you in the past. You deserve good things to fill the holes that are there; it's good that you're not forcing the holes to be filled again with the same toxic things that have caused you so much suffering for so long. I think that your reluctance to connect again was to protect you; I'm glad that there's a part of you that loves yourself enough to do that for you.

I think that this experience has given you some closure that will allow you to move forward.

:loveya:

[northernlights]

4. it has been odd because I had moved past this long, long ago

so I wasn't even aware of the tendril of connection. But I guess I needed to be aware of it and she needed....something. To know, at least at the psychic/higher self level, that I don't harbor anger toward her? I don't know.

I do know that if I feel her "calling" to me psychically again, I'll be able to respond again, and with less difficulty or disruption to my own life...:hug:

[MorningGlow]

5. Sorry to hear this, NL

Seems like you've done all you can, and now you have to let her go again. Hate to say this, but don't be surprised if she experiences at least one more change of heart during her treatment (maybe several more), and softens again--perhaps to harden up after that, perhaps not.

You're doing your best in a tough situation. Just the fact that you can even attempt to speak with her after all you've been through with her in your younger years shows a strength of character we should all aspire to.

All the best, NL. Just send her light from "afar" and hope that she finds peace, either in this life or the next. :hug:

[Sanity Claws]

6. All I can offer you is hugs

:hug: :hug:

You are handling things so well. I know I couldn't do it.

[mntleo2]

7. Maybe You are Both In a Hard Place

...I am not anyone to speak about relationships, I have *no* place to talk since mine are not that good with either of my sisters but ...

As an empath, the beatings from your mom spoke to me on a deep level. All I could think about is that you BOTH experienced that abuse. If there is anything I see in families, including my own, it is that "Crap rolls downhill" meaning since your mom wasn't safe, your sis took her anger out on the safest person she knew at the time ~ you. And with all the following years and estrangement, while you may no longer be the "safe" one now, her pattern is to withhold her true feelings with everyone, including you.

Dying does not resolve much from what I have seen. It often leaves more questions than answers and loose strings that we then spend the rest of our own lives trying to tie up. This is not always bad because our own journey is tied with theirs and that lack of resolution helps us grow and be different with others.

It might be good not to expect any of those things in your life with her to be resolved. Whatever time you have left with her may just be about doing things you always have with one another. It might be good for your mental health to let it be that way and not get too entangled, and try as best as you can to be there if she is ready to tie up some of those strings. But also know they may never be tied up. Maybe she will have to do that work on the Other Side where she faces her pain and finds release. And maybe it will be for your own journey to make sense of the relationship until your time.

I really no longer see death as "the end" it is all about the journey. It is about what we do with what we were handed (or handed to ourselves before we were born), in order for our souls to learn and grow. No matter how hard or how well we hide it, we all have a "golden center" that is part of God. We spend our lives covering it up in layers and layers of pain, anger, and sadness with the only connection to that golden center being love.

You are trying to show that love with your sister and just keep it close to your heart that it is not wasted, love is never wasted, and she will "see" it, but she may pretend she sees nothing so it may not yield much to you right now. However love does heal, not only with others but with ourselves, even though sometimes love is the hardest thing we can do. It is much easier to withhold love when there is hurt, anger and resentment, so I am proud of you that you put that aside. You are doing your best and this is good work.

Hope this helps
Love,
Cat In Seattle