Tell the waiter to get off of your foot!

[I Have A Dream]

Today I had lunch with a few wonderful friends. During the course of the conversation, one of my dear friends said something, and I responded to it. She acted very irritated by my response even though all I was doing was explaining something to her. I was not very happy to be treated as I was, and I made it clear.

As time passed, my friend explained that she reacted as she did because her foot really hurt because the server had been standing on it. (She had on open-toed shoes.) He hadn't just stepped on it; he had accidentally been standing on it while he was attending to our table.

My question is: Why would someone allow someone else to stand on their foot without saying anything? (It's not as though my friend usually doesn't speak up.) I'm not bringing this up to express my exasperation or to vent about this particular situation but rather to bring up the subject in general of why people allow themselves to suffer in silence over things that don't have to continue? As a result of her allowing herself to be abused, she took it out on someone else. The server wasn't in a position of power where she was afraid that she'd be punished for asking him to get off of her foot, so it wasn't a "kick the dog" situation where she instead took it out on me because I was "safe".

I just don't understand... :shrug:

[MorningGlow]

1. A great analogy, Dream

So many people don't stand up for themselves in the interest of...what...keeping the peace? not making waves? out of fear (oh there's that word as always) that someone will lash out at them even though they're in the right?

I don't understand it either. It's taking martyrdom to the extreme and it does no one any good--not the person with the foot pain, not the person doing the stomping, and certainly not the recipient's of the person's misdirected anger/pain.

Makes no sense.

[I Have A Dream]

3. The other thing would be to then silently resent the person...

who is "stepping on your foot" even though they had no idea they were doing it.

:(

[OneGrassRoot]

5. Ahhhh, that's a very interesting observation, Dream...

Even if someone doesn't speak up because they don't want the other person to feel bad or they don't want to "rock the boat" in any way, most often resentment does build, even subconsciously.

Very, very interesting...

For some reason that feels synchronous with my focus this morning of people speaking up and putting themselves (their challenges, needs, wishes) "out there."

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:loveya:

Edit to add more thoughts about this.....


If Rocky had remained silent, chances are nothing would have shifted for him any time soon. By him opening up, this is a life-changing event for him -- beyond getting his teeth fixed. It's like he sees humanity in a new way. He never expected the outpouring yesterday.

But there's that word: expect...expectation.

If one remains silent, it's very easy to resent whatever is causing our struggles. We could resent ourselves for not making different choices, resent others who are involved in our struggle in some way who we feel contributed to it, or simply resent "the system" for creating needless struggles (I tend to veer toward the latter at times).

That resentment gets us nowhere, obviously.

Yet if we speak up, there is the very real chance no one will respond -- or they won't respond in a way that is helpful to us. Is that more damaging in some way?

I don't know...I'm asking and pondering aloud.

We're taking a chance on other people when we ask for help, and that is very scary. But, as we saw yesterday, it can be so rewarding. Of course, the DU community was a built-in group from which to seek help. Not everyone has a built-in support system -- so many of which are online nowadays. It's those people who don't belong to any groups and who truly feel isolated that I hope we can eventually reach, if they speak up.

Reaching out to complete strangers...names which we're not already familiar with and feel a connection to via sites like these.

THAT requires a huge leap of faith! And requires so many people to gather to provide our own safety net in society.

Thanks for allowing my rambles here.

:loveya: :grouphug:

[Kookaburra]

2. she didn't even have to say anything

All she had to do was move her foot.

Weird.

[I Have A Dream]

4. Yeah...

and very sad. :(

[Mist]

6. Some people have an almost morbid fear of "making a scene in public." Your friend may

have thought asking the waiter to move was in that category?

[I Have A Dream]

7. No, she's actually been quite assertive in the past in reference to servers.

I do know that she's been going through an amazingly difficult time lately, and I have to wonder how it's affecting her feelings of self-worth. :(

[teenagebambam]

8. Reminds me of the story...

...about a person who was rescued from their burning house. The mattress had caught fire. In trying to determine the cause of the blaze, the victim told firefighters "Well, it was on fire when I laid down on it"!

[SheilaT]

9. I tell ya, I can never understand why so many

people are so invested in their misery. Whether it's a long term thing, such as a destructive relationship with someone, or something as immediate as "the waiter is standing on my foot" without speaking up.

Speak up for yourself. Don't put up with bullshit or abuse. Claim what is rightfully yours.

I think the underlying problem is often one of these possibilities:
a. I don't want to make a scene (because they were told as children they should be seen and not heard, or because they were told never to make a scene of any kind.
b. In the workplace people all too often tolerate abuse of various kinds because they are entirely too afraid of losing their job.
c. People have a lot invested in a sense of themselves as a martyr. It's easier to manipulate others that way.
d. They have a very low sense of self-worth. Low self-esteem.
e. They honestly think that nothing better (better job, better relationship) will come along, and so they may as well tolerate a terrible situation.

I'm sure I haven't covered everything, but those are pretty common in my observation.

[Myrina]

11. Thank you.

I've been battling with a pseudo-relationship issue for a couple months now, and it keeps coming back to 'should I enjoy our time together and take it for what it is' or should I cut it off and tell him I want and deserve more, and if not from him then I need to be open to finding someone else?

I swing from one extreme to the other on an almost daily basis: and it doesn't help that he's sending mixed signals.

I know he's moving at the beginning of Sept, and I know that when we met neither of us were looking for 'the one'.
And I know that we enjoy each other's company (mentally and physically) and do have fun together.

But I also know that I went through 4 years of therapy to shake old demons about being the 'convenient one', settling for less than I wanted in order to just not be alone (and ending up alone anyway), and erasing old tapes about not being worthwhile etc ... so part of me fears that's exactly the trap I'm falling back into.

Indeed, how do I get the waiter off my foot? Or is he even standing on my foot? :shrug:

[SheilaT]

12. As either

Ann Landers or Dear Abby (forget which one, maybe both) used to ask: are you better off without that person? I'd also add that if you're happier when they're not around, that's a big clue.

There's not waiter (so far as I can tell from what you wrote) in this situation. It's a matter of understanding that you really do need to live for yourself. It is so fantastic if there's someone else in your life who honors you and loves you and treats you well and all of that stuff. But sometimes (for reasons we may not ever understand) that just doesn't happen.

As women we are trained to live for others, be they friends, lovers, spouses, children, aging parents, whatever. Far too many women think that their needs come only after everyone else's are met. Nope. The ONLY way you can really meet others' needs is if you look out for your own. That doesn't give you license to be totally selfish, but it does mean that you need to recognize when you need time or resources for yourself and then go ahead and meet your own needs. That's when you're best able to meet others' needs.

[I Have A Dream]

13. Yes! Also, far too many women believe that their only worth...

is when they're doing for others. They believe that they have no inherent worth. Their self-worth is like the sand in an hourglass which goes down as time goes by unless they add back to the sand on top by again taking care of someone. Not only do they believe this, but they've trained those around them to feel the same way about them.

Most men don't think this way, and it's a good thing.

It's a very difficult belief to overcome when society reinforces it.

[femrap]

10. Women are trained

to let dudes get away with whatever....and to pick on a strong female figure instead. Happens all the time.

edit for spelling

[murielm99]

14. I would like to develop the ability to tell the waiter to get off

my foot. He has been standing there most of my life. It has affected my disposition, my relationships and my health. I don't think I am good enough to tell the waiter to move.

Or, sometimes, my foot gets so painful because I have allowed the waiter to stand there for so long, that I get very angry at the waiter. By the time I tell him to move, everyone is blaming me for overreacting.

[I Have A Dream]

17. Yeah, I understand, muriel.

I think that you should work towards that.

It sounds as though your situation is a "straw that broke the camel's back" type of situation. You deserve better.

:hug:

[murielm99]

23. I have been in therapy for two years.

I went there because I had had some angry outbursts. I thought I had anger issues. That was not it. I had general anxiety and a poor reaction to Chantix. It was worse when I got off the Chantix. (I quit smoking later with cold laser therapy, which is another story). I don't recommend Chantix.

I found out that although I seem strong, and I am someone who had met challenges that would defeat others, I often don't know how to set good boundaries. Now I have set boundaries for my mother, who is still an abusive parent at eighty-one. She will keep trying to find ways around those boundaries, so I have to be vigilant.

Now I need to set boundaries for others in my life. I have been taken advantage of in a job I loved. My husband encouraged me to quit. The Democratic Party here pushed me beyond the breaking point. I had to deal with that and leave a volunteer situation I thought I loved.

Once when I was tutoring, a school principal took me out of a bad situation. It had already defeated two other teachers. But they had the sense to know that they did not have to put up with crap from that family. The principal said to me, "You don't have to put yourself in that situation any more." I need to remember her words for other areas of my life.

[Kind of Blue]

15. I don't want to be crude and here's the but...

I think she might have been afraid that if she offended the waiter, he might have spat or something in her food or both of your dishes. In a strange way, she might have felt that he was in a position of power because she didn't know how he might react, and she didn't want to ruin the lunch date. So she'd rather suffer than take the chance :(

It just kind of reminds me of the changing accounts of events by the JetBlue attendant, and several passengers who allege that he was sourly when they boarded the flight.

[I Have A Dream]

16. Hi, Blue! Nope, I'm always the one who worries about that.

She's never hesitated to speak up in the past with servers, and she even mentioned to him after this that our desserts weren't big enough when we were given our dessert. (They weren't.) We ended up each being given another scoop of ice cream in addition to the very small melted scoop that we were initially given.

The next time we're together, I'm going to ask her about this. I couldn't then because she was exasperated at the time, and I was not really in the mood to discuss it further then.

(That's a very good thing to consider though in reference to this particular question, and if I didn't know her so well, I'd say that that was very possible.)

:hi:

[OneGrassRoot]

19. I'm really intrigued, IHAD....

Others probably are now, too. :) Can you call your friend and solve this mystery? :rofl:

It really is very, very odd, considering how you say she has reacted and interacted in the past. Very, very interesting...

Probably a huge lesson in it for those of us who are intrigued. ;)

:hug:

[Kind of Blue]

22. This really is a mystery!

I'm definitely intrigued. Please, if you ever find out I'd love to know why this seemingly strong woman would take the pain or not reflexively move away from it.

[Kind of Blue]

20. LOLOL...I'm the type that worries about that, too

I'm always extra nice to waiters/waitresses. Just a little phobia of eating food by people I don't know or haven't seen.

Then I was thinking, I've experienced pain so excruciating that I couldn't even make a sound. Those are the worst!

[OneGrassRoot]

18. OMG!

Now you have me trying to think of a movie from five or so years ago....

Oh, it's "Waiting" with Ryan Reynolds.

They incorporated lots of gross stuff that waiters do to people who annoy them. :( It was disgusting, and DEFINITELY led me to keeping that in mind when I eat out (!), but it also had me laughing out, truth be told. ;)

:hug:

[Kind of Blue]

21. Oh, I'm Sorry!

Good Lord, I will avoid that movie! Thanks for the warning :rofl: