I am so embarrassed but must

[laylah]

share this. Maybe the "magical ones" can help me figure this out, or at least, help me through it.

My "first" (we were 19...now 59) found me on facebook last week. We were together, off and on, for 4 years. I have dreamed about him...a recurring dream, many a time over the years. Nothing "explosive"...he would come back into town in his cherry red Mustang convertible, we'd hang out, he'd have to leave. I had pretty much forgotten him, other than rare passing thoughts, or conversations with, still, mutual friends.

This past week has been emotionally draining! I am trying to figure out why the pain? Why the tears? My goodness, this was at least 2-3 lifetimes ago for me! I really am at odds as to what is happening. I hurt so much! Why? :cry:

Jenn

ETA: his b'day is april 6, 1951, mine july 1, 1951, if that makes any difference.

[OneGrassRoot]

1. Goodness, don't be embarrassed...

:hug:

I don't have any particular insight, magickal or otherwise, but I think this is very, very normal, Laylah. Well, let's put it this way, I certainly resonate with what you've shared. Anything or anyone who reminds us of times when we were younger and perhaps more carefree is always alluring. And the emotional charge they can trigger -- tears, angst, questioning -- is always so interesting.

It can be very cathartic if you allow yourself to work through it and not be embarrassed or guilty.

:hug: :hug: :hug: of support as you walk this interesting path toward healing right now. For all its faults, I find FB to be a FASCINATING social experiment.

:hi:

[laylah]

3. I was only embarrassed

to put this out here. Not embarrassed or feeling guilty, just overwhelming sorrow and would so like to know why.

Thanks for being there :hug:

Jenn

[laylah]

5. The "allowing" is

what I need to allow :) I always appreciate your kind words. :hug:

Jenn

[I Have A Dream]

2. Jenn, it sounds as though you're working through something.

When your relationship ended, did it have proper closure?

Oh, and you have nothing at all to be embarrassed about. I could see the same thing happening to myself, and I'm sure that others could also. :hug:

[laylah]

4. No, never proper closure.

Don't know that I ever will, except on my own. That will be a struggle only because I want to know "why" now, at this late stage of our lives???? Or maybe, because "why" is clouding the fact that I am blessed to have an opportunity to do cleansing? Heck, I dunno :shrug:

Thank you! :hug:

Jenn

[I Have A Dream]

8. If you don't feel that it's possible to have a closure conversation with him...

would you be open to sitting down and actually thinking why that person might have been in your life? I suspect that you believe (or are open to the possibility) that the important people who are in our lives are there for a reason, and that it was all set up before we incarnated. If this is true, might really thinking this through help you to get some closure?

Also, I think that you should consider a closure ritual of some kind. You can either find something on-line, or you could come up with your own. For example, maybe go to a moving body of water and throw pieces of bread into it and watch it be taken away. The bread would represent those pieces of the relationship that have negatively impacted your life. (This ritual is used in the Jewish faith on Rosh Hashanah to symbolize the "casting off" of sins.) With each piece of bread that you throw, you could say something positive like "I free myself", "I release all things that tie me to", "I am lighter", etc.) Another thing that you could do is write a letter stating everything that you want to say, then bless it and set it on fire. Let it burn completely. While it burns, say positive affirmations as to your being freed from any bonds that negatively affect you. These are just ideas; you might have something else that would work much better.

Good luck, Jenn. I send you love and light. :hug:

[laylah]

11. I LOVE this idea!

The lake/body of water I am thinking of, is close by and a place we went to as kids. There is a lot of history there. Thank you SO much! :hug:

Jenn

[JanusAscending]

17. "You Betcha"!!! (sorry guys)

I would sooooooo love to be FOUND by a few special guys from my past...especially the "boy next door" that I adored and he never knew!! He turned out to be a real hunk, and each time I would run into him over the years he got "hunkier"! Last time, I was happily married, but oh my...the feelings for him have never waned! He is very tall, and I loved having to look up to look into his eyes! Yum!

[Metta]

6. Please have your emotions. They're a uniquely valuable source of personal information.

and insights even though it's painful to abide with them. The big question is what are you going to do with them.

[laylah]

7. Oh Metta Dear!

That is exactly what my sister told me this morning. She remembers those days, and the relationship. We were all so close back then.

Maybe that is what I am struggling with? What am I going to do with my emotions?

Thank you! :hug:

Jenn

[BanzaiBonnie]

9. They are there for you

Yes, it may be uncomfortable, but as Metta says, they have valuable information.

What would happen if you just sat with them for awhile? Let them flow through you? Ask them what gift they have brought you? Thank them?

[laylah]

10. Thank you...

I am trying. My SO would never understand; therefore, the crying and healing are silenced (not because of him, but because of my consideration of him). I am trying to manifest a day away, in my beat up "hippy" van, just to ponder, cry, realign.

Thank you...your input, and all of the others, means so much to me!
:hug:

Jenn

[Metta]

12. Yes, exactly.

I think you're on the money. It's not just stuff surfacing, it's your conflict about what to do with it. One should never not have their emotions. :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

13. I agree, Metta. You've taught me that.

:hug:

[Metta]

14. Thank you, Dreamy.

You're precious to me. :hug: Hog and knish.

[stellanoir]

15. Under Venus retro. . .

It's not at all uncommon to have an old beau or twelve resurface. For some it's as though they're coming outta the woodwork or in your case, your facebook "wall."

Metta's so right 'bout this. Repression of these emotions is hardly advisable. If you do take your day away to process this stuff, here's an old trick. . .

Consider writing the guy a letter, Do it long hand and don't hold back. Put everything into it (good, bad, indifferent.) Then read the letter out loud. Then torch it and allow the ashes to fall into moving water. A stream, waterfall, the ocean, or even a toilet will do. Whoosh.

The idea is to take the emotions you are holding and move them through the four elements. The person who taught me this trick referred to it as sending the higher self of the person with whom communications had broken down a spiritual fax.

It is really quite cathartic and can lend much greater clarity for both parties through purification. Aaand there's NO paper trail.

Hope this helps and pullease *don't* feel embarrassed. There is scarcely a person on the planet past puberty who isn't carrying some extraneous emotion baggage. Venus retro is truly great for offloading it.

And always be careful with fire. I use pliers and a skillet when I do this.

Be gentle on yourself.

on edit- Please also consider that the heart can be a very big place. To presume that we only have one significant love for our entire lifetime is totally nutz. I'm of the belief that once you love a person it really is eternal. They will always occupy a certain space in your heart. You might not be able to be around them or respect them or trust them as far as you can throw them but you can still love them. Doesn't sound as though that last sentence applies in your situation but that was typed in case others are experiencing any similar resufacing under the current Venus retro.

[I Have A Dream]

16. Oh, yeah... good point, stella about Venus retrograde.

Is it a help or a hindrance that it happened during Venus retrograde?

[stellanoir]

18. Could be either depending on how one responds.

Repression is pretty much a guarantee that it'll intensify over future Venus retro's especially the ones that occur in Scorpio.

Though Venus goes retro roughly every couple years it does so in five different though relatively specific sectors of the zodiac in eight year cycles. There is much speculation regarding the zodiacal pentagram these cycles form.

The last Venusian retrogradation in Scorpio was 10/10-11/21/02 and the next one will be 10/5-11/16/18. The one we are currently in will last until 11/18.

Due to Venus' close proximity to Earth, it goes retro less frequently than any other planet.

Therefore one could surmise that it packs that much more of a wallop.

Ideally this cycle is for healing old emotional wounds. In Scorp they're sometimes related to sexual trauma but generally always karmically related if one cares to look at it from that perspective.

Essentially it can be high time to release a hinderance of which one wasn't even conscious they were harboring.

Can get a bit murky for sure but what else can one say about the ultimate "mystery dance". . .?

DISCLAIMER: I'm fourth generation Venus retro on my mum's side so I'm more than slightly biased in this matter.

[I Have A Dream]

19. Thank you, stella. This really helps!

:hug:

[laylah]

21. Thank you for this,

stellanoir. Wise words I will follow.

I did start the process yesterday afternoon by sending him an e-mail and saying goodbye, reminding him we had never done that. I stated it is best we don't contact each other again. I also deleted my fb page. I feel "safer" for it.

As for still loving him, I am sure that 19-23 year-old woman in me still does. I am still reeling from the "out of left field" appearance of him. Your explanation helps that. Today is a new day and I will move forward.

Thank you for your words :hug:

Jenn

[OneGrassRoot]

20. I just read this and thought of you...

"So expect lots of feelings and emotions that swamp us with their fluid movement through our life. Lots of feelings about what we want or don’t want. Tears. Flow. Drama. Passions. Fluid. People returning from our past to remind us why we loved or don’t love them any more. Emotions, emotions, emotions!"

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=245x125821

:hug:

[laylah]

Oh my!

It's as if that were written especially for me! :)

Thank you, dear OGR :hug:

Jenn

[I Have A Dream]

23. Well, I just looked at last week's...

and it also looks as though it was written for you, Jenn.

Venus Retrograde in Scorpio is the time, place and space where all the obsessive crazy loves from your past come knocking at your door, send you text messages or find you on Facebook. Or they even run into you on the street. They want to tell you they/ you made a mistake. They want another chance at love. They want to tell you that you were wrong to dump them. They want to tell you they were wrong to dump you. They want your money and love back.

We revisit old passions. We indulge in the what ifs. We reconnect ~even if they weren’t quite right for us. Even as we know we probably should move on. Even as we knew we DID move on. Venus in Scorpio has the unique ability to make us think it can be different this time. THAT is a false illusion but for the time being we will believe it CAN be different.

:wow:

Good find, OGR! :thumbsup:

[laylah]

24. ...

:wow: is right!

Venus in Scorpio has the unique ability to make us think it can be different this time. THAT is a false illusion but for the time being we will believe it CAN be different.

Thankfully, I overcame THAT one real quickly! This makes me wonder if he has felt the upheaval of this past week, as I have. In his first email to me, he did apologize for all he had done, all those lifetimes ago. I just want him to go back where I had stashed him these past, almost 40, years. As a dear friend, who knows both of us from then, and now, said yesterday, "Some memories are so big, it takes a while to find room for them -- but you will do it."

Thank you :hug:

Jenn

[laylah]

22. Oh my!

It's as if that were written especially for me! :)

Thank you, dear OGR :hug:

Jenn

[PhillyGurl]

25. If it is any consolation, out of the blue I have been having

Recurring dreams of being with my ex-husband, still living overseas. I find it all so torturous. I just want to move beyond and finish this phase. It is exhausting, coming up on almost two years out. Last year I left at this time, maybe I just didn't process it as well as I thought.

Couple that with financial uncertainty, and I feel really hopeless sometimes. :cry: I am desperately trying to move past all this garbage. :mad:

I am sorry you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed too. :hug:

[laylah]

26. Sending loving healing

thoughts your way :hug:

Jenn

[Matariki]

27. An Aries - with a cherry red Mustang?!

LOL. (sorry, no insight in my post, I just love the predictability of that!)

[laylah]

28. LOL! Thanks. nt