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First...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! :party:
Sounds like the 'real' battle is between your heart and head. Your heart is craving "family" since you left yours so long ago. I sense you might have had some hope you could find that need fulfilled by your dh's family, but it was not to be. You know family doesn't have to be blood, so look for those who make you happy and at ease, and make them your family.
The one woman you are still talking with, who likes to live the woes of the family, is toxic, in your opinion. If so, then you may have to cut her loose. However, I have a strong feeling that you "need" her, possibly to still feel connected to a 'family.' So, here are a few things to think about... 1) you can cut her off completely, and stick to it, 2) you can continue to experience her, and have regrets later, or 3) you can keep in contact and take more control of the situation by not letting her talk about the family woes, or limiting those conversations. You might say something like, "Carole (or whatever her name is), I appreciate that they are driving you nuts. But, how is repeating it helping you? Seems to me like it is just picking a scab. Let it heal. Let's talk about this lovely painting I did..." You get the idea.
As for the trip, you will feel shitty either way. But, would you rather feel shitty with dh or by yourself? At least with dh, you will have his love surrounding you and there will be no guilt for letting him "go it alone." If it gets too much for you, design a codeword (phrase) for the two of you that means "it is time to get the fuck out of here! NOW!" Something like, "Hey, dh, remember when I cooked that pumpkin pie and dropped it." Or, you could give them something to talk about for years and start licking your hands and saying, "I am a good kitty!" :) and :evilgrin:
I apologize if I am coming across heavy-handed. Giving advice is so much easier than following it! One other thing I would say is that you have your own strength to rely on...prepare yourself before you go or talk with them. You know the triggers, don't let them get to you. It will take practice, and you will slip on occasion. Don't let their darkness diminish your light! Also, lighten up on yourself...you are being too critical of yourself. We all have weak moments, it is what makes us human and also allows us to learn, if we so choose.
:hug: from BtA
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