Self Deception and Unrealistic Expectations

[I Have A Dream]

(I'm posting the entire article because I can't find it on-line. Otherwise, I'd have used the link and 4 paragraph format. I hope that this is acceptable.)

SELF DECEPTION AND UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
by Madeline Gerwick-Brodeur
January 6, 2005

We’re finally edging past the period of high frustration, and now we’re into the period filled with attempting to do too much, with too little time and resources, while we have unrealistic expectations. Sound familiar?

On top of all this, we have a tendency to deceive ourselves in ways we haven’t considered. Are you faced with a tough personal or professional situation that you believe you’re "handling well?" If so, this could mean you’re not in touch with your feelings about it, because in this culture, "handling things well" usually means ignoring our feelings.

I bring this to your attention in case you have "miscreated" a negative event lately and wonder how that happened. We’re always creating with our feelings (we create more of whatever we feel), but since we often don’t know what they are, we aren’t always aware of what we’re creating and why.

As a recent example of this, I visited my elderly parents in KY for the holidays. In their 80s, ill health, and unable to do much, I decorated their house, put up the tree, baked, bought gifts, made a delicious Christmas dinner and in general had a very enjoyable time. Or so I thought.

My return trip home was a pure nightmare at every step of the way. I finally arrived home a day late, injured, and without any luggage. After three days of not being able to get my luggage back, I was in complete frustration and anger at the airlines. I finally called my business partner to help me pivot out of those feelings, so I could get my bags to return to me. (They were being blocked by my anger and frustration.)

After dealing successfully with that, we began to discuss our holidays. At that moment I suddenly began to cry, and I finally realized my true feelings about my holidays. Until then, I had not recognized my very deep sadness about the state of my parents’ deterioration. That’s when I finally realized how I had managed to create a nightmare for my return trip home with my repressed sadness.

This story is a great example of what happens when we’re unwilling or unable to tell ourselves the truth. It’s not that we intend to be out of integrity with ourselves. With Jupiter in Scorpio, we’re all getting to experience a lot of deep feelings, some of which we’re just unaware we have. With Mars and Jupiter square to Neptune, many of us would just as soon pretend we didn’t have them! That’s how we deceive ourselves and that’s how we miscreate negative events from repressed feelings.

Until late November, we will all be discovering some deep feelings of one sort or another, but especially now through March and again in September. Realize this is the "gold" that’s buried beneath the surface and treasure them.

Be willing to speak your truth at work (and home), especially regarding unrealistic or unspoken expectations or schedules. Check into your heart, guts, and muscles on a regular basis and be alert when they tighten up or don’t feel good. Your body knows when something is unrealistic, even if your mind doesn’t recognize it. If you can do these things, you really will handle these challenges well.

[wildflower]

1. re: "in this culture, "handling things" well means ignoring our feelings"

Wow, that is very true. At least I've found it to be so in my experience.

Lately I've been looking at books that encourage you to experience your negative feelings, or, if you're going through a "dark night," to explore it; the idea is that if you allow yourself to just experience and accept it, it moves on and doesn't go deeper and do more damage by being repressed.

I find that what she said above about the culture is often true in religion/spirituality as well; we are encouraged to be more positive, more loving, more forgiving, to move toward the light. But if we don't, we may feel guilty and ashamed, and try to repress what we're really feeling. I think when we accept all our feelings (not become them, just accept them) then we can truly move on to forgiveness and light. We can explore and harness the negative feelings toward the ultimate good.

If that makes sense.

wildflower

[I Have A Dream]

5. I totally agree with what you're saying, wildflower. If we deny our...

true feelings about something (especially if we feel embarrassed or disappointed in ourselves for thinking a certain way), we can never deal with it. For example, the author might have been feeling resentment towards her parents for all of the work that she had to do now in reference to the holidays. However, because she doesn't want to think of herself as being an ungrateful daughter who can't be counted upon by her parents in their time of need, she buries these feelings without acknowledging them and just "handled it well". However, denying these feelings doesn't change the fact that they're still there, so they're still going to come out some way. She can either look her feelings squarely in the "face" and deal with them, or she can get sick, etc. She's not a bad person for feeling the way that she does -- her feelings are her feelings. Also, we can never really change things that we don't look at honestly without making excuses for our feelings.

What you said made me think of the book "The Pathwork of Self-Transformation" by Eva Pierrakos. I read it a long time ago. I think that I need to read it again, and I think that I will mention it in a separate thread to the rest of the group. It was really eye-opening.

Thanks for your comments about this, wildflower.

[LaurenG]

2. I really like this article I Have A Dream

I relate to it so thoroughly that it's a wake up call for me. It wasn't about my parents this year, (I went through this with them last Christmas) it's about all the other stuff that really hurts. Having to admit that I am so hurt by so many things isn't easy. I don't feel I'm blocking them per say but I never let myself off the damn hook for feeling angry or unhappy or negative.

You know I make deep connections with people, I usually find that I tap in quickly and I am very blessed to have the ability to "see" the potential in others. I can see the very essence of those I care about. That part is the part that is the best in them, unfortunately unless they are determined to realize who they are they never get to see themselves the way I do. I become "invested" and wish so badly for them to get it it. It's rare to find real searchers and I feel so lonely some times. I can't express the appreciation to all of you who are searching here with me. I see what you write and I am not alone and that means so much to me. Thank you all.

I realize that this may sound sappy but it's genuine sap, so thanks a million to you all.

[japple]

3. Part of the reason we're here is to help others find their way back

to the light and it's hard, like you said, to know what to say to help them onto the path. I think that the more we learn about our purpose here on earth, the more we will be able to help bring light and truth to others, or, by our words and deeds, inspire them to begin their own journey.

It doesn't sound sappy at all. It's honest and heartfelt and I, too, appreciate you and all the others who exchange ideas on this forum. Peace and blessings.

[I Have A Dream]

4. Doesn't sound at all sappy to me, OhioBlues; it feels truly heartfelt.

What an amazing gift you have! However, I can see that it could also cause a great deal of frustration and really drain your energy reserves. It might feel similar to how Cassandra of Greek mythology must have felt. (In case you're not aware of this myth, for her, it was having the gift of prophesy but being cursed so that nobody would ever believe her.) Many truly amazing people are never really able to see the amazing person that they could be if they only believed in themselves. You must sometimes feel as though you're beating your head up against a wall.

I think that what's really important though is that you realize that you also have to take care of your own needs -- it's not selfish to take care of yourself. One of my spiritual teachers uses the analogy of putting on your oxygen mask in a plane before you put a child's oxygen mask on. If you're passed out because of a lack of oxygen, you'll not be able to help the child. Maybe you already do a really job of making sure that you take care of yourself, OhioBlues. I just felt as though I was being told to mention this, so I thought that I'd better.

Thank you for your support and encouragement in this group also! :hug: