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I want proper recognition for my gifts, achievements and contributions and I want it now. I didn't go to college, work 200% as hard as my classmates to get my degree and then work demanding, stressful jobs in the private sector for two years after finishing school to live the kind of life I've been leading since then. All I've ever been my entire life, particularly where career matters are concerned, is abused, neglected, ignored, taken for granted and most importantly, underpaid, for the mammoth pile of shitwork I've done for so many ingrates. Not anymore. I'm refocusing my job search on the kinds of jobs I deserve, none of which are going to be menial, depressing, or expose me to more employer abuse or general dissatisfaction. It's one thing to move away from a life that is purely about hollow achievement and superficial success, which I've done, but it's quite another to let yourself be walked all over, remain unrecognized, expect nothing for your sacrifices and silently pick up the slack while others sit around and fuck off. As someone who was "raised" by a neglectful, abusive, pathetically passive, self-sacrificing, self-degrading, non-achieving Cancer mother, it's important for me to stop behaving like the sad parental "example" and female "role model" I was given this time around and more like the independent, talented, capable person I know myself to be. Doing something for nothing every once in a while, or, if you're me, all the god-damned time, is occasionally fun if your cause is just and what you're giving up to participate in it worth it. Doing everything for nothing is something women still do far too often and without question, for which they receive no appreciation, no gratitude and no love. It's really not healthy, appropriate or feminist for me to keep on doing as much as I have, for EVERYONE, without pay and for the most part without so much as a 'thank you.' It's stupid, just stupid, not to mention non-self-respecting, to perpetually settle for less.
My wish for this full moon is to stay self-loving, motivated and mentally strong enough to find and be hired for the best paying, respectable job I've applied for and to not sell myself short with yet another position I won't enjoy, with asshole misogynists in charge and no other significant potential to improve my life in any regard. Then I'm finishing my novel, then I'm going to graduate school. That was what I planned to before getting sucked into an abusive relationship and then a job that was for all intents and purposes, a meaningless dead-end, so I could provide support for my sister while she finished at Berkeley and then get involved with an abusive, manipulative drug addict piece of shit, whom she's planning to marry this month. Yay! All of my sacrifices were for something so great! When you do things for others for nothing, the sacrifice is it's own reward!! And I don't even want to think about how far up the career ladder my abusive ex has climbed as a result of the support I provided him with for two years. No doubt he's found a tenure track teaching position somewhere, lying in wait to be another unwitting woman's next Worst Decision Ever. All that stupid, pointless kind of behavior has ever done for me is shred my self-esteem, wreck my health, and keep me less valued than I should be, even to myself. That sort of bullshit self-destruction really makes the Patriarchy glow.
I'll see you all later. I'm feeling better already.
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