need some advice on recent breakup

[silverchair]

hi everyone,

i don't post much in here but i was wondering if someone could point me in the right direction. i'm not deeply religious or anything but i do believe in some sort of spirituality. i'm going through a tough time right now because my girlfriend decided to break up with me. she moved to spokane, wa back in may for a career opportunity. i live in dayton, oh and will be finishing up a contract with the VA medical hospital in november. my goal was to reunite with her. she was going to fly down and we would drive up together in my car. we've been dating for almost six years. september will be our sixth anniversary. what kills me is the timing. i recently applied for a job at fairchild air force base and will have a response in two weeks. it's interesting because she also works there but i wouldn't see her much since i would be working in another department. this would have been perfect except she decided to break up. i realize that i have not contributed much to the relationship during our time together in dayton. i was going through unemployment and other issues. i was real negative and angry and it made our relationship tough.

now, i have some tough decisions to make. the VA has offered me a promotion as well as a permanent position but i'm not happy in dayton. although, at this point i feel like i can't turn it down because i need the money. at the same time, i applied for IT jobs in the following locations: arizona, washington, oklahoma, virginia, utah, new mexico, ohio, and colorado. i'm hoping to get the job in spokane. i was wondering if i should try and reconcile with her if i get a chance to go to spokane. she told me that it would be okay to stay with her until i got my feet back on the ground but that she wouldn't be willing to work things out.

i was going to send her some flowers and try to make it up to her. i'm thinking if i show up in person maybe she would reconsider. i'm just so damn confused. i've been in tears all week long and it's interfering with my ability to eat, sleep, and work. i don't know if this helps but here is some information:

girlfriend - DOB - 3/28/1978
me - DOB - 2/2/1974

first met in september of 2000 in charlotte, n.c.

sorry if my writing skills suck.

[Cleita]

1. You will love Spokane.

So even if you two don't reconnect, you should try the Fairchild job to get you out of Dayton. That part of Washington is really special and there are so many beautiful natural wonders within hours drive of that city.

Anyway this is my practical advice. I hope someone weighs in with astrology advice. I am not an astrologer.

[Metta]

2. Tough break, a breaking heart.

What's worked for me is to write down the plusses and minuses of each of my available options and see what I have. I find that's a great way of not having to hold them in my head and of getting them off my mind, to a good degree. ... frees up the space.

You've said she isn't willing to work things out. I think the best you can hope for is to get the specifics and, if you can, the underlying issues off your chests otherwise they'll resolve *much* more slowly and you both increase the likelihood of carrying them and acting them out in your next relationship just to clear the air in which case the relationship after that will be the ones where you'll have more success of staying together, off hand.

[PinkTiger]

3. This is very hard to tell you, but I don't see a reconciliation.

All the signs are there - she moving away, and then breaking off a relationship - and although it seems she still feels somewhat responsible for you (her agreeing to let you stay with her) she makes it clear that the relationship is over.
You need to take a deep breath and let it go.
I don't know if you should take the promotion and stay, or what - but you need to get your head straight about one thing: the relationship is over. You can try to drag out the process and delay the inevitable, but sooner or later, and probably sooner, you will have to move on. Why not do it now, with some dignity intact? A clean break is much better than a slow, agonizing death. Yes, it hurts. But for a shorter duration.
You are lonely and need to regroup your priorities. What about Dayton do you not like? Is it a lack of human contact? Have you put so much of yourself into your job that you cannot connect with the people around you?
Once you make the break from this dead relationship, and begin to heal, the sunlight will come in and you no longer be lonely; a new beginning will dawn in your soul and everything will be better.
I wish you hope, happiness and joy.

[silverchair]

4. i understand:-(

PinkTiger,

you do make a lot of sense. my girlfriend usually means what she says and sticks to it no matter what. at the moment i feel like dying because it's been so painful. we talked over the phone and she said that coming out there would just make it worse. i guess distance will heal me in due time but right now it's agonizing. i just can't imagine my life without her. unfortunately, she doesn't share the same feelings.i thought maybe i could travel out there and tell her in person but this could just blow up and not be pretty. the thing that kills me the most is the fact that we were going to start fresh out there and then she changed her mind. although she said that she had these feeling 2 years ago but couldn't tell it to my face. she was waiting for the right moment. i had no idea she felt this way because she never expressed her feelings while we were together.

dayton is not the worst place in the world. i've managed to survive but i just feel that it's not inspirational. although my coworkers have been supportive and understanding. i guess i can just suck it up and deal with living here until another opportunity arises.

[DemExpat]

7. This kind of pain is high on my list of excruciating experiences.....

I hope that you find some comfort within yourself and from any supportive friends or counsellors if you need them, to get through this.

Most of us come through these painful times a lot wiser, so try to keep some balance in your life (maybe no huge changes right now), do loving and fun things for yourself, and read some good books too if that appeals.

I'll be thinking of you!

:hug:

DemEx

[I Have A Dream]

5. silverchair, I have nothing to add except to tell you that I will be...

sending you energy in hopes that it will help you through this. This is a very difficult thing to go through.

:hug:

[Why Syzygy]

6. Advice

If I may pass along a bit of advice given by a healer when I was recently going nuts over my recent break-up .. walking away is one thing. But, don't shut down your feelings. Allow the love you feel for her. It will transform over time. The sooner you face it and feel it, the sooner it will transform into something more pleasant. I was trying to be angry or dislike him intensely. I have every right to feel hurt and angry, as does he. I wasn't perfect, but the way he ended it was a punch in the stomach. He even came back once, but then his next departure was even worse. I didn't think I wanted to live without him either. That is a scary thing.

I don't mean this to encourage you to go to WA, because I don't know. I know it isn't good feeling like we need another person to keep us alive. This person taught me what commitment really is. It isn't a length of time (forever), it is agreeing with someone that you will get through whatever life holds, together. But I also found that we can't make a commitment to someone else to do that until we make it to ourselves. So that's what I'm doing. Committing to myself to my own survival needs and things that enrich my life. We still love each other. We just can't live together right now. I made some mistakes. I have forgiven myself.

At first he said we weren't going to keep in touch, but that changed and so we see each other on a limited basis. I'm facing things in my life and he is one of only a few friends I have here. But I'm making new ones. I moved last year, but got all tied up with him. Plus it took some time to get my bearings in a new place. I thought I might have to move out of our place, but have found a way to stay here at least a couple months. I need stability right now. This is not the right time for me to try to navigate another new living situation. We have agreed to take things as they come and maybe try again in a few months. We are both focusing on our own personal growth and goals right now. That is easier when your time isn't divided. Maybe think about working on those anger issues. Make yourself the best you can be. Make the decision independent from where she is. You may not get back together, but at least you'll be a better person. That is a good idea when choosing job positions too. Which would be best for you.

Breaking up sucks. I was blissfully single for about 10 years. I didn't have to go through this! Would I do it again? Most likely.

Let us know how things go if you want.

People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built. Eleanor Roosevelt, My Day

[LaurenG]

8. Hang in there silverchair

There are MANY wonderful and spiritual people in the Dayton area. In fact probably per capita more so than south of you in the larger metro area of Cincinnati.

Do you have family in Dayton. Are your friends there as well? I would suggest that you think carefully about what you may be giving up in relation to what you will or will not gain by moving.

I am sorry for your pain and loss, I hope you can find comfort no matter what you decide.

[silverchair]

10. thanks everyone

i'd like to take the time to thank everyone for their support. she was my first love and breakup and plus we've been together for so long. it's only natural that this would be so painful. i am starting to heal but it still burns. i don't have family in dayton, oh but i do have supportive friends. at least i will have a good job opportunity here. the promotion was offered to me right after the breakup, so maybe that was a sign. it's very tempting to travel out to spokane if offered something, but i just have this gut feeling to stay put for now. i don't need to take a huge risk because of my emotional state. financial stability will boost my morale in due time and soon these feelings for her will fade away. she will always be welcome to come back to me if she decides. i will always love her and think of her.

you guys have been great. i am also sorry for those who have dealt with the same issue. it's definitely not easy but at least we have each other to talk with.

[marions ghost]

9. make time for reflection, silverchair

http://www.sevenpawspress.com/written.html#tsws

This website has some articles and books for couples based on astrological data. You need your birthtimes and place of birth. You might use this approach to help look at what went "wrong" in your relationship, and also to give you insights about what kind of person might be better for you if the relationship is irreconciliable. If all this does is help you rationalize where you are now and help you to heal from this experience, then it's worth doing. It could help point you toward the future. It's always a hard learning place when this kind of separation happens. You want to use the experience to help yourself, which you're obviously trying to do. Give it the time it needs. Look at it.

[insane_cratic_gal]

11. From my experience

of being a woman, once one decides to separate she's pretty much made up her mind. If she had started to retreat from you 2 years ago, you can be sure she means it.

I don't say this to be cruel, but I think you really need to hear it.

Now is the time to really start exploring yourself as a person. Perhaps there were mistakes you made, things you can learn from for the next relationship (when your ready) are already in place. You'll be in a good spot to offer your new gal something wonderful. It does sound like you have some challenges to over come, right now your hurting.

Lets start with a hobby? Do you have any? Photography? Writing? Drawing? Music? Learn to play the guitar? Do something you've always wanted to do yet never followed through on.

What about reading? Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance? Something that is deep that gets you to looking at yourself in a manner that is both honest and yet loving. See yourself in a stage of transition.

There is nothing more dangerous when sorrow sadness anxiety fear and discouragement invade you, your unable to see anything past your own grief. Understandable? yes but still dangerous.

GET OUT of the house! Go for a walk, get a mt bike, get a tent go camping for the weekend. Get a dog. Focus one what you need to do to bring yourself into a new life, and stop calling her. You have no control over another person, we certainly have no control over love.
Let it go, what happens will happen. Maybe even make a move. AZ? What about NH? MA? West Coast like CA? Although the East coast of Maine is beautiful. Take a vacation to either place, alone and explore!
There are tech jobs to be had in NH apparently (from there so i'm a bit biased). Start planning for your future and stop living in the realm of what if I had done x differently.

We've all stood where you have stood. Believe me when I say your path is not different from ours, it's been forged a walked upon a million times before. A million more will walk behind you after you've left it.

I say all of this with the best intentions and wishes for you, but you must start moving toward a tomorrow that is uncertain, that is unknowable, move toward it with eagerness and curiosity.

[mother earth]

12. Silverchair, one word of advice from my perspective is to

never ever compromise or settle for less than "crazy in love" on your life's partner. You are not yet married and while this break up may not have been what you were expecting or ready for, count your blessings, move on and you will be surprised at the doors of opportunity that will present themselves. While relationships always mellow through the years & it may not seem so now, this young lady has done both of you a huge favor. Take the memories and what you have learned from this relationship and part as friends & start changing your perspective. Forget about her plus and minuses, look at your pluses, all of them, take stock of the wonderful qualities you possess and move forward. Get out and hook up with friends, if you haven't got any local ones, start making them. Give yourself a push in every direction that you feel will be good for YOU.

I ask that you post and let us know how everything is going in three months. Give yourself a hug & know in your heart that better times are coming your way.

[lildreamer316]

13. ...and watch "The Secret"!!

It couldn't hurt!!
Seriously; good luck and don't worry..sooner than you think; all this will seem just a good learning experience.

[mother earth]

14. I agree, lildreamer, silverchair should watch The Secret!

And then he will KNOW many good things will come to him. Google "The Secret", silverchair & let us know what you think.

[silverchair]

15. update on my situation

hi everyone,

i thought i'd give you an update on what's going on. well, i decided to accept the job opportunity in dayton. currently i am still an intern at the VA hospital and will be promoted to a GS-9 IT Specialist in november. the airforce base job hasn't replied back yet so i decided not to wait around for them. i always wanted to go out west but someday my opportunity will come. i went ahead and applied for NOAA. the position is located in seattle, wa. it also starts off at a GS-9. once i get myself established with the federal gov't i'll be able to transfer anywhere. so i need to be patient and get a foundation started. i'm definitely not going to stay in dayton forever.

also, i did watch "The Secret". i'll have to watch it again and again to fully understand what it means. i really wish i had watched it while my relationship was going well. so, basically if i had practiced it to the fullest, would my relationship have survived? that's what confuses me. can anyone elaborate, please?

eventually, i will seek therapy. right now, i don't have medical insurance but will in november. i'm still depressed over her. she's got a lot of my belongings. she sent an e-mail indicating that she will send things a little at a time. it really hurts not to be able to talk to her or even instant message. we would communicate with one another on a daily basis. her behavior almost leads me to think that she has already found someone but there's no way of telling.

thanks for listening.

[mother earth]

16. Silverchair, glad to hear you seem to be doing better or at least

beginning to accept that it's over. From what you say, it does sound like it was over for her at the time of your first writing, but now it seems like you understand that it really is. So, that's progress, right? If you could easily and quickly forget her, it would have only meant that she didn't really mean much to you, but you obviously were "invested" in the relationship. Focus on what you have learned. Keep the focus on what good came out of the relationship and where it means your heart will lead you next time around when you meet someone new. What you take from what you have learned will make all the difference, it's just part of the learning process everyone goes through before they find the right person. Don't blame yourself and stay positive.

Do watch The Secret again. I have to watch it from time to time to keep the focus, everyday problems can get you off track if you let them, until you get used to a new and positive way of thinking. I know when I stay on track things go well, just like in the movie where the girl stubs her toe, puts a run in her nylon stockings, things sometimes just go haywire one right after another when we lose our balance and let things get us down, it's the downward spiral. By keeping things positive and focusing on the good, your whole perspective changes and it paves the way for positive changes and opportunities.

I can't wait to hear how you do in the coming months. I think once you clear your head and start focusing on the excitement of new opportunity and leave yourself "open" to meeting new people, everything will fall into place for you. How can it not? You deserve it & it WILL happen, just smile and know that & you will be grateful with each good thing that happens. You are building it now! See it in your mind & you will see it in your life.

Take care, Silverchair!
:hug:

[cassiepriam]

17. Try to use this as an opportunity for learning and growth.

We are being taught lessons everyday, we need to take the pain and do some inner work.

What lessons are you meant to learn, what did you do right in this relationship? What did you do wrong? What do you need to change in the future?

From a spiritual perspective events which cause us the most pain provide us with the most opportunity for growth.

[mother earth]

18. Well said, Cassie.

:toast: