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Edited on Wed Oct-25-06 06:17 PM by undergroundpanther
As I post this Cher's song, Believe just came on,Coinkidink..
The ex is leaving. He said today he's moving out in a month.He will do next months rent than pouf. Somehow knowing I could face really tough times financially, it isn't freaking me out right now.Delayed reaction?
Or relief this controlling, soul crushing albatross is out of my life?
It's funny I stayed with this guy for ten years and he tells me how he wants to be friends after he told me he was leaving ..*snort* .
Now he's leaving after he called me a c*nt and b*tch, last week in a temper tantrum and right after saying all that ,he was than demanding my therapist's # in case "I got suicidal" .Well it hurt and I did not play his game.I drew boundaries instead. He does not like me when I draw boundaries...
He has hurt me so much because I didn't draw boundaries years ago ,during those years he has twisted my life,I cannot begin to say how bad it was those years for me.I am so GLAD he's really leaving, and not just saying it again as if it was a 'threat'..hoping I'll be scared of abandonment so much I'll do whatever he wants me to do.. and crush my soul a little more for him. Fuck that!
As I see it, there will be no more of his clutter and sloppy bathroom mess to clean up, no more of his snotty comments, judgmental and snide remarks and verbal abuse where no one else hears it. No more of his invalidation of my person and his superiority trips and constant competition and debate I never wanted embedded in every conversation with him. No more of his creeping junk invading my space, no more of his demands for silence so he can sleep 10 hours a day,no more of his TV phobic crap making me paranoid to watch shows he finds" offensive" on my own TV. like South Park.,No more of his stinky bean water drifting up from the kitchen drain! No more of his endless piles of papers,boxes and his messes to clean up!, No more vegetarian arrogance, no more of his pressures to be like he is.
No more of that distant, ignoring,coldness and emptiness out of him and no more being a homebound bore as he resents every friend I make,when I DARE have fun without him..andno more crushes on every male friend I make he gets an almost puppy love obsession over him, while he says that he loves me and respects our relationship ,and asks ME to ask HIM if he thinks my ex husband was fuck-able? WTF?.. As if that shit he pulled couldn't destroy the relationship.It was mortifying.Cruel.SICK.
My ex is a gay man pretending to love me,playing"bi".I guess a pre op trans-man was conventional looking enough to make him feel "normal, yet I guess I was enough of I guy his willy wouldn't wither? Yet he was always telling me about how he thought some guy was so cute, never did he tell me I was handsome, on top of that , He wanted to remind me I could never be a REAL man, yet I am more of a guy than he is, So I am told,by men both gay and straight whom have observed both of us.
Fancy that.
I became his beard because gay guys thought I was a guy and wanted to hook up with ME, I had to tell them the truth,I lacked the plumbing...Again and again I was stuck in this situation, because my ex was too inhibited to meet guys all by himself,admit he is gay and LET ME GO find someone else who isn't in denial. I was for awhile, messed up inside by his sexual mind-fucks.
When he goes away,
No more of him popping every motrin and antacid in the house like candy so when it comes to the rare time I really need it, I grab the empty bottle only to realize he ate it all put the damn bottle in the medicine cabinet and I'm stuck in pain and a 15 minute walk to Walgreen's to get more!!. He never thinks to REPLACE what he uses up like a decent person would,.. because he's selfish and oblivious other people exist too.
He is so invalidating and verbally abusive
(being called a c*nt is a hideous degrading insult to women already ,being transgender it is also invalidating of MY identity on top of that)And he has the GALL after calling me those things to say I am verbally abusive for raising my voice over his DIN to tell him to LEAVE ME ALONE. WTF?
So obvious to me, I cannot be friends with anyone who uses words like b*tch and c*nt ,who disrespects women like he does, and who halfway agrees with right wing elitists,,..He has not respected my boundaries repeatedly,he has disrespected me in a billion different ways,treated me as a second class servant. He has ruined my social life, defiled my sexuality, pooh-poohed my dreams..and even up until last night he has continued to provoke me with his insults even after I asked him to not speak to me anymore like 4 times, Only until I said Keep it up I'm warning you , if you provoke me again I will tell you what I really feel about you..Do you wanna go there? If not LEAVE ME ALONE... NOW.
He finally shut up, guess he is scared shit-less to know what I feel about him..
He loves to rub my nose in my symptoms, like when I startle,he comes up chastising me like a school marm telling me how "inappropriate" I am for jumping out of my skin,when people come up behind me..Umm asshole, this is because of trauma..And I haven't been able to control it 100% yet.Some people with PSTD never do, but you see he can have symptoms sleep all day, obsess in his head, act like an ass,be cruel with his sexuality,and he always has an excuse, but when I have a symptom I'm a basket case and HE tells me knows I am faking feeling suicidal, HE knows how to fix me all I need is to take his sage advice and just be like HIm....What a farce..acting as if he was so"healthy" mentally comparing himself to me fucking hypocrite. But in reality HE has hit me once in anger,it was a small slap. I told him if he ever did that again I'd kill him, he has never done it since. But he has slammed his fists on counters to punctuate his anger..He can't manage his own life, He uses words like c*nt and b*tch, when he isn't getting his way and he is a bigot,he is unable to manage his own bills because he freaks out over having to get envelopes and stamps, HE is the failure to thrive,,Not I , and we both know it was I who made him think he was such a success , I knew when his career was crashing as the dot com bubble busted, I saved us from a 150,000 tax debt..because of my work in supporting him he could lie to himself about how much mentally healthier he is compared to me....that he did it all on his own..
He's in for a RUDE awakening,He is on his own now..his mommy will be displeased when she LIVES with her fuck-up son and sees for herself how he is, but than again he is cowed to his mommy.He'll do whatever she wants because she dominates that house..But Carl he is arrogant he won't be a good boy forever.She has no clue how he messed up my life and how abusive he IS now. It will be hilarious when reality hits them all like a ton of bricks.
Once he's out of my life,He's gone forever, Because no friend of mine calls me a c*nt and remains my friend,no, not anymore. So any claims he makes that he still cares about me, and is sad a ten year relationship has to end and he hopes I will be willing to watch moves or hang out,sometime as friends are manipulative bullshit, the same old cycle he has spun me through repeats and it's so easy to see and so sickening.
I know people that DO respect me and see me as an equal human being don't treat me like he did, nor do they use provoking degrading words like that to tear me down and claim I verbally abused them..even after I ask them to stop. I see the differences and it is STARK..Thanks to SARC..
Sooo..
Once he leaves it's kitty bar the door! Get the stink of him out of this house, remove his toxins from my mind,purge his conditioning on my heart..Throw away his taint , Clean the house from top to bottom,and erase him from my life as I should have done years ago, but back than I didn't know any better, today, I know better (thanks to SARC,)and I will not be trapped by sick little boys that never grew up like him again..
I felt a flood of joy when he said he was leaving, as he took his keyboards out of my basement today,I suppressed a smile..Those keyboards he can play so beautifully but never does play. Beautiful keyboards collecting dust that I trip over because I do not know how to play them.
I need to create a new life now.One filled with good soul nurturing, people. And I know they wait for me, In the City..Freinds that respect me, that saw what my ex was doing to me, even before I dared to look at what that "relationship was doing to me,myself in it's ten year thrall.I am on the section 8 list.I hope my name comes up soon. To hell with people that don't respect me they have no place in my life...
Here's to freedom.
Wonder what happens next? Wait and See.. I actually feel a glimmer of hope for the first time in ages. It's excitement..Kinda like discovering the door of the dungeon is really unlocked, finally,and when I push the door a little bit, it opens a bit,and a dazzling beam of golden light pours in from the world he denied me, that I also learned to deny myself. This possibilities light infuses the whole musty dark room,as it alights inside it combusting all the pointless dust motes of his"philosophical debates" and"religious obsessions". The fire devours all the dry moldy empty habits, cracks open the festering boils in my mind creating pressures from a billion directions,lets them drain away,and heal those crusty festering resentments,holding me as fast as rusty chains, as he takes away all his clutter that oppressed me from this years already dead relationship,as he hauls it to his parents,the truth will be seen by the actions of this boy who never grew up, who refused to give and step out of his own head to live with me. He will take with him all of this crap,
His presence is fading fast, it is being eclipsed by a warm roaring fire , I feel it inside,burning away the debris..the enchantment and shame that was not mine..I can breathe in the warmth as the fire within me burns him out of my life, I need no longer inhibit myself, watch my words, or wonder if what I do"offends" him so I have to"pay" later, I don't have to suppress and dread his reactions to my coping strategies and emotions anymore and be sickened by his ugly mind and mean mouth and controlling selfish fetishistic mortifying sexuality, he tried to convince me was love when it hurt me inside and made me hate being "intimate" with him turning innocent sharing into a game and dread...I never have to put up with his"dry drunk "attitude".
Today I am free, the sky is stretched out before me, and I can fly..again..
Leaving..THAT is the BEST and kindest thing he has ever done for me in ten years.
Invisible Sun
I don't want to spend the rest of my life
Looking at the barrel of an Armalite
I don't want to spend the rest of my days
Keeping out of trouble like the soldiers say
I don't want to spend my time in hell
Looking at the walls of a prison cell
I don't ever want to play the part
Of a statistic on a government chart
There has to be an invisible sun
It gives its heat to everyone
There has to be an invisible sun
That gives us hope when the whole day's done
It's dark all day and it glows all night
Factory smoke and acetylene light
I face the day with me head caved in
Looking like something that the cat brought in
There has to be an invisible sun
It gives its heat to everyone
There has to be an invisible sun
That gives us hope when the whole day's done
And they're only going to change this place
By killing everybody in the human race
They would kill me for a cigarette
But I don't even wanna die just yet
There has to be an invisible sun
It gives its heat to everyone
There has to be an invisible sun
That gives us hope when the whole day's done
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you, Sekhmet,for reminding me,I am my Sun,The LION sun.. Burn Baby Burn..
Do You believe in life after love?? Hell yes I do.
Thanks everyone on DU for your support through this..
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