"This is not my life."

[SeattleGirl]

(Before I start, I just want to assure everyone that while I'm having a hard time, I'm not thinking about harming myself, and I am on anti-depressants. I don't really even feel depressed; it's more like I feel I am displaced.)

The title of my thread is a line from "Mrs. Doubtfire." Robin Williams said it, when he was talking to the TV station manager after he got the job of shipping and receiving films. And that's how I feel right now. Like the life I'm living is not my own. It was, for the longest time. I was engaged in my life, a participant. Now, I feel like I'm on the outside, looking in.

Nothing much about my life interests me any more. I always liked a neat house; now I don't do much except the bare minimum. It's a struggle to do my job, even though when I bill a lot, I make very good money (and many of you know that money has been a struggle for me -- part of that is because I don't have a big caseload right now). I'm not interested in keeping my marriage going -- hell, it's been a big lie for the longest time anyway. I just don't want to do much of anything, except leave.

I'd like to go find another place to live; another life to live. I was thinking about a lot of the stuff that has been posted in this forum about transformation, and maybe that's what's happened to me. I'm not just suddenly feeling this way; I've been feeling displaced for quite some time, yet I keep trying to make myself fit into what "has been" for that same period of time and it's getting more and more difficult.

It isn't that I don't care about life, or others. I do. I just want to live a life that I feel is MINE; this is not it. Yet I feel scared to move on, and right now, I don't have any money to do so anyway. And feeling disengaged from my job isn't helping either. (Okay, now I'm feeling like a dog chasing its tail -- I'm stuck and scared and broke and disengaged from my work so I'm stuck.......)

Pardon my rambling here, but I just needed to get this out. If anyone has any sense or thoughts about this, I'd appreciate it. If not, thanks for listening.

This is not my life.

[Why Syzygy]

1. I wonder

if the dead relationship is what this is about.

I lost what I thought was the greatest husband, in 1995. I had fallen out of love with him. We "had" a life. Things totally changed. We moved cross country. I almost had an affair with another man. HE was just not the same man I married. He had to change and he could not accomplish it. His whole life shifted and there was nothing left. I was so glad to get out of there. I still don't understand exactly what happened to 15 years of my life. It was poof . gone. But I made it happen, through the back door.

New scape. I think I got out alive. I learned to grow up, or admit that I'm not grown up.

Relationships can hold us. That's what I see where you are. But I could be wrong. Very.

:hug: .. Even if you get out, there may be years where you wonder where you are. Mine started off on a pretty good note. The sad thing ? now, is I'm in charge. No one else runs my life. I get to do all the destruction by myself. It's working well for me.

The pain. I don't know what to tell you. I've recently had some. But I get to keep mixing things up. Like a bad recipe. Add this, no subtract that. That's an old ingredient.

What it gave me, to get away from him, was to take a first step to find out who I am. I was a 'role'. Now I'm not.

Anything I can do, here for you.

edit to add "not"

[SeattleGirl]

2. Thanks for your thoughts, votes. To be honest, I think you're right.

The relationship is keeping me stuck. Or rather, my reluctance to hurt my husband is keeping me stuck. Which in turn, I think, creates the feelings I have of not fitting my life any more.

Unlike your sitation, however, I don't think it is my husband who has changed. It's me. And it isn't so much that I've changed, as it is that I have become more of who I am, if that makes sense. And who I am no longer matches who he is, though I still care about him a lot, and if I had my druthers, I'd "druther" stay friends with him.

Again, I appreciate your thoughts, and what you shared with me about your own experience. :hug:

[Why Syzygy]

3. did I tell you this story?

at the LOA meeting .. which I have been going to every week, but that might be too intense for me ..

there is a man who sells screen plays. For $1 Million each. I have no idea what they are. But this is a creative place, so I don't doubt him.

He was stuck on his second one. I don't know what people do with all that money. I'm too polite to ask. He had a relationship. She did not believe in him. As he tells. So he let her go. Six days later, someone called to offer him a Mill for his screen play.

As I tell this it sounds like a scam. But, I'm there at Denney's! sitting around a table with these people and cannot even conceive of a reason there would be a scam going. In fact, the person who had this group before got pretty much booted because she was trying to promote a biz idea.

Point being, as I see it, is there are people, places and things that hold us.
I am in a different kind of holding pattern at the moment. But have not thought right about talking about it. I wonder if that would break the spell? But I like the spell it has over me. For the most part. It hurts. It is something that I have to work through for myself. There are many wonderful REL friends and family that would love to see me survive and get over 'it'. I respect them.

But after all, we are all left alone to deal with what demons there are.
That is a right of passage and anyone who tries to take that away robs us of the growth opportunity.

I had an over-protective parent, so I never got to grow up. There are people in my life who love me to full means. But it is CC grow up time. Not sure where that might go. Pretty good, I think. At least nothing I can't handle.

So, have faith in yourself. You can pull out of this. I only know that because I'm pulling. And people tell me all the time that I can do it. I hate when that happens. ;) . not really.

We can get by with a good amount of screw ups.

Life, as I know it is a tapestry. I have a loose thread. I have the honor of tweaking with someone else now and then. And we talk about how defective we are, but how much we love.

So, I'm a tweaker. :D

Do not want to diminish your hurt. You have been doing this for some time now.
I take comfort in the people here. It doesn't matter how long it takes.
We're just looking for progress. Right?

[SeattleGirl]

5. LOA?

Not familiar with that acromyn. However, the story is good. I've had something similar happen to me, and have had friends go through similar experiences. Sometimes, the blockage was caused by a job, sometimes by a relationship, sometimes by something else. But when they let go of whatever it was, things started moving forward.

[Why Syzygy]

19. LOA = Law of Attraction.

That's what we are calling the Universal Law since the emergence of the film, "The Secret".
I'm reading one of Abraham's books. You haven't seen this? It's about awareness of what we look for is what we receive. And raising consciousness.

[SeattleGirl]

20. I have seen The Secret once. It's really good.

And thanks for 'splainin' what LOA meant.

[Why Syzygy]

4. You make absolute sense.

Never doubt that.

[SeattleGirl]

6. Thanks.

:hug:

[BlueIris]

7. Well, all I can post is that during the times in my own life when

I've felt that so many things were so wrong they felt alien, (read: now and three years ago, right before my grandpa died and Everything Changed) what I did to deal with it was just let the weirdness wash over me until it started to become the "new" normal. And eventually, it will turn into something that feels normal and comfortable, I hope.

[SeattleGirl]

8. Thanks. Blue

I really enjoyed your post about your epiphany. That's where I'm at, too.

As I said, I'm not depressed about what's going on. It's more like the feeling of displacement.

I know it will not be this way forever; nothing is static, as energy infuses everything. There are just times in our lives where it's a bit uncomfortable.

I do like your idea of just letting the "weirdness" wash over me until it beocmes the "new" normal. I think that's one thing I need to do, rather than fighting it.

I'm so happy for you, Blue, regarding your recent insight. That's always reason to celebrate, regardless of whether or not it insight happens to us or to someone else.

[Celebration]

9. Chakra issues

"This is not my life" may be an issue with your chakras (sounds like second or third). It *could* be due to relationship issues, or it may not. I have seen both. I know you have money problems or I would recommend some energy healers in Seattle that my daughter goes to. They could probably sort it out. It is a husband and wife team--one reads the energy fields while the other does a sort of talk therapy. They can move stuck energy and can find the source of the problem.

My daughter doesn't have a lot of money but she finds it to go to these people. They were great when she and her boyfriend broke up. Anyway, if that is an option at all I can get their names.

My recommendation would be to try to find out the true source of the problem before you make any big moves.

In NAET, people that are close sometimes have to be cleared of the energy of each other. Hey, it works.....sometimes at least.

On the other hand, my best friend dated a guy for months. She had major third chakra issues. I would have to run that program every day!! Finally I just gave up. Once she broke up with the boyfriend her third chakra was fine. It had been so bad that I could count on it being weak and I would use her to make sure my remote muscle testing was working.

You may have a relationship issue, or you may have another issue masking as a relationship issue. An either/or answer is not what you are wanting, but that is my answer anyway.

[SeattleGirl]

10. Thanks.

Could you refresh me on the meanings of the chakras? Been awhile for me, and your post would mean so much more to me if I knew what the different chakras meant. If you don't want to take the time to explain, then a website would be good. Again, thanks so much.

[Celebration]

11. Briefly

First of all, even though I work with chakras all the time, you could probably find most any website that can describe them better than I could.

Again, I would be really pretty surprised if this DIDN'T have something to do with either the second or third chakra. I will say that some people now say there are eight chakras, or even more, and the "extra" ones are in the same area as these but off a little to the side.

When I made diagrams of the original seven chakras--here is what I captured for the second and third chakras--

Second chakra is associated with the color orange "I feel at home within my body and at ease with my interpersonal relationships." It has to do with what the body wants and needs, and where it finds pleasure. Sometimes it is related to digestive disturbances of various sorts.

The third chakra is associated with the color yellow, and is at the solar plexus (when it is seven chakras that are delineated.) "I claim my personal power and accept responsibility for all areas of my life." I have seen this one related to blood pressure issues and autoimmune things. Sometimes I wonder if this isn't related to O positive blood, but I have no real proof of that.

There are a number of good websites about chakras out there. You could find one that rings true and maybe follow some of the recommendations to see if you can start moving some energy.

[Why Syzygy]

13. IJMe ..

this is interesting. There was someone here a few weeks ago who said he would 'balance my chakras'. But I did not trust him at all, so I really blew it off. You have to have a trust with someone to allow them to touch your chakras.

I don't think my second has ever been in balance. And orange is supposed to be my astro color. I have always avoided it. But I gave in and bought an orange bingo blotter a few weeks ago. And was okay with it.

I love all the other colors of the chakras. It's a rainbow, color wheel, starting with red. I've dabled in art and usually stick with the cool color spectrum. Maybe a little warming up is in order.

Someone recently gave me a green chair. I never thought I would let green into my house. But it's really very nice. Do you think the colors themselves can begin a balance? I feel like the heart is much better now. Though that wasn't my intention. I knew it was in shreds. I think I just answered my own question. There used to be a color therapy retreat by a lake in north central Texas. I went there before I ever knew anything about chakras. It kind of freaked me out. It was also a husband and wife who claimed to use color to heal. It was a place of energy. I was too naive at the time to accept anything of the sort.

Curious where you found the chakra affirmations. Yellow is another one for me. wow .. my mother used to try to dress me in orange and brown because I have brown eyes. I wanted the blues that my sister got to wear! When she had quilts made for us, mine was green! UGH! I never understood why, due to my eye color, I would end up with the green quilt and my sister got a blue one.

Color envy. Guilty.

[Celebration]

16. Color

Color is hugely important. I know a lot less about it than I would like to know. My NAET practitioner would sometimes have us wear these colored glasses while we were getting treated. I went to a workshop one time given by the chiropractor for the Kansas City Chiefs. He uses low level laser therapy along with Five Element Acupuncture techniques, combined with color therapy--to address the fire element and other elements. In England there are color therapy devices that can cost about twenty thousand dollars. Here there used to be color therapy devices made by Dinsah (sp???) used by MDs but they were destroyed by the FDA or FBI back in the 50s. Thank goodness for the internet, as these things are impossible to suppress now. People make their own using lights plus the color filters that are used for stage lights. Now people can buy LED lights and use them. Of course blue and ultraviolet light are used for babies that have jaundice, so some of this is mainstream. In Russia and even here sometimes people use intravenous ultraviolet light for infections. One could try that also anywhere a vein is close to the skin. Red light is often used in low level laser therapy for things like arthritic conditions. But you got it--all the colors of the rainbow are important, and we need all of them to different degrees.

I can get chakras moving by distance, and it doesn't seem that hard. Sometimes it can make a pretty big difference. Sometimes the person won't notice at all. It just depends. Yes I think someone could be screwed up pretty big by someone with the intent to do harm. All my instructions have in them "for the whole best health" etc. etc. But there are various things a person can do to balance their own chakras--yoga, deep breathing, affirmations, toning, actually swirling the energy over the body, etc.

I honestly can't remember where I got the chakra affirmations. I read a bunch of websites about chakras and snatched things from here and there to make the diagrams. The chakras sound so woo woo but really they are where nerves meet in the body into a plexus. So there is an actual physical basis for them. Thus, in my husband, the fourth chakra problem was directly affecting the corneal tissue in his eyes. It makes me wonder--does everyone with Fuch's Dystrophy have a Fourth chakra problem??? I have no idea.

[Why Syzygy]

21. The fourth chakra

would be the heart? I am convinced that I can regain my eyesight. It changes all the time. Two pairs of glasses, both bifocals. But sometimes I realize I am looking at close distances with my far distant glasses. It is so strange how it changes. Sometimes I can see at night clearly. Other times everything is all blurry. My eyesight went bad when I had a great heartache. It's very symbolic, I believe. There was something there that I did not want to 'see'. I know almost deaf people, and without exception, they just don't want to 'listen'. I know this is an energetic disfunction.

Of course it's the plexus. I had an energy course with a MBA of microbiology. She was a skeptic at one time and searched out what this 'energy' thing might be. She had all kinds of therories and explanations. One of her tests was to touch energy locations on my leg and ask, is that a point? I don't have the theory, but I could tell when she was touching an energy location. IOW, I passed.

The problem I have is that I am so sensitive. People have told me forever that I'm 'too intense'.
Well, that isn't going to change. I need to be at peace with it and allow whatever. You can't fight it. It will not be wrestled down. Believe me, I have tried. A lot of people think it is just weird, but others pour out their love.

Robin ... I'm not in a mood to google ... she made a beautiful Tarot card deck. She has a very nice method to ground chakras.

It is as important as eating breakfast. Would you consider scanning me? And doing balance? I know distance works. It's just energy. There are no boundaries.

edit: what I'm finding lately is my neck and back are aligning spontaneously. This happened once before with Cranial Sacral treatment. I don't understand it. But it is nice.

[Celebration]

29. the fourth is the heart chakra

When one is using the traditional seven chakras............

Well, I wear glasses and my fourth chakra is fine and I think always has been. My problem started when I was taken off thyroid medication as a teenager. Long story there. Any kind of shock to the system can cause hormonal changes that lead to eye changes. The Fuch's Dystrophy is a very isolated and particular type of eye problem that isn't all that common, and isn't all that rare........It would be interesting to sit in the reception area in an eye clinic and try to correlate different eye problems to chakra issues. I don't think that will be done and written up in a medical journal anytime soon.

[Why Syzygy]

30. I was surprised to learn

that I have cateracts, but not "bad enough" to remove. huh? I can't see. Isn't that bad enough?
I've been advised to seek out another doctor, but I went to a prestigous clinic. I thought. And sat in the room with eye survivors. A bunch of them. I looked at the color blindness chart, and found that I have color blindness. I'm not sure what that means. But that doctor is not going to help me.

Of course no one is going to write it up. But you have got me thinking. I KNOW I can regain my eyesight. If I am willing.

Willing is not my strong suit.

[Sanity Claws]

25. chakra balancing

Itsjustme, I also live in Seattle and would love to hear who you recommend for chakra balancing. Please feel free to send me a PM, if you prefer.

[Celebration]

27. Sure

I will send you the contact name and info when I get it from my daughter. This will be one of those third hand recommendations. I don't know them but I just emailed her to get the info to send to you. I trust her judgment. She has tried several energetic healing types in Seattle and these are by far her favorites. I think I am partially responsible because I found a low level laser therapy ND for her for her medical issues, and he sent her to these people. Sometime this week I will PM you (she isn't a totally regular checker of emails but I will hear by the end of the week).

[MorningGlow]

12. I feel the same way, lately, SG

:hug:

For me, it's not my home life--I dearly love Mr. MG and MG Jr. I hate to say it's my job causing it, because I don't want to define myself by the thing that I do to pay the mortgage. But nothing else in my life is bothering me.

However, I can't deny there's something "off" in my life right now. I was at class about a month ago, and my elder, three classmates, and I were doing a meditation, and my elder looked to the woman to her left and said, "Are you content?" And she said yes. She turned to me and asked the same question. And I said, quite emphatically, for the first time out loud, "No, I'm not." (My elder picked up on some ooky "unhappy" vibes and was trying to find the source. It was me.) Even though I was happy enough at that moment, I have a strong undercurrent of dissatisfaction.

Now my task is to not only figure out exactly what is causing it, but also how to remove that feeling once I pin it down--what changes I need to make to become content again.

I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions yet, though, SG. Just know that you're not the only one on this particular journey. :hug:

[Why Syzygy]

14. Lack of contentment

is a booger, huh? You have such great stories to share. I am amazed at what you do and experience.

In your workplace, are you able to be who you really are? With all your power? Seems to me that is a hard thing to carry to work. Though, we can't help it?

My soul's quest has been to be 'integrated'. To be one integer, one voice, what you see is what you get. I didn't realize, of course, that the path would be akin to root canal surgery. Ouch. Becoming aligned to who we really are, at core, is a beast. I still think it's worth it.

I can feel your frustration at work. Over and over. I believe in you and that there is a perfect place of alignment for you to use your talents.

On a practical note: have you ever considered something like starting a newsletter? You know about publishing and are a writer. So? Can you create something like that? I believe it would be a benefit to others and if you can also make it work for you, there might be a solution. You could also stay with MG jr and make his life a living memory. That is really what I hear from you. I did it. Don't know how we survived. I was the master mind at home. Very fortunate to have been able to live that. We didn't have a mortgage because we rented. I visited a massage therapist here who has a lovely office. She, her husband and daughter all practice there. She shared that they had sold their home and were out of debt! I gave up the dream of being a 'land owner' (although there is nothing wrong with that) because I could not see the point of paying a bunch of money for a place where no one was ever at home. I do not get why people pay a ton of money for a place people don't live. I do now intend to own a home. Maybe even a castle (thank you Cassie).

ps note: Knew a woman in another state. She was very sweet and we shared some fun times. Kind of going through some same things. But she was 'the lonliest' woman I ever knew. She lived at the country club in a $500,000 home. Money can buy a lot. But not a 'home'. Her husband was a millionaire and she was gorgeous. But lonely. It seems that if your man is out making a million, you get left alone a lot. I actually 'started' a short story about her. Strange but true.

Personally, I am very tired of other people telling me what 'I need'. I know they have the best intentions. But really. In order to figure out what one needs is a personal journey. It might look screwed up to everyone else. But I wonder who gets to cast a stone. If it is 'working' in any form or fashion, then that's it! I was ridiculed and harrassed by my family and ex-h's family because I raised my son. I was there for him. Cookies and outside play and structure. What a shame, right? Not. He is a semi-responsible person (tonge in cheek). He has a prestigious career, which he loves. He found himself. Mom's still searching for herself. But when he gets up, he knows where he is going and why and believes in it. I'm not altogether thrilled with his chosen path. But I am thrilled that he chose it.

Sorry for so much ramble.

I like the newsletter idea for you. Start with a blog? You know how to do it.

[MorningGlow]

18. Kinds words, VSM!

Thank you so much! :hug:

Your question about whether I can truly be myself at work brought me up short. No, I'm not able to do that. And that's not a good way to exist, especially for people like us.

Very psychic of you--I actually do a newsletter for my school. And I used to be a columnist for a Webzine (now defunct). So yeah, I can do stuff like that. And I'd like to.

Tell you what--I'm going to start a new thread shortly with the details of a really bizarre discussion I had with the ol' clueless (or in denial) VP. Let's just say after I survived that, DH said he wants me to stay home with MG Jr. and he'll be able to make up my salary with his freelance work till I get my own freelancing off the ground. It's tempting, lemme tell ya. I'm still pondering it, and I would like some feedback from the astute, intelligent, sensitive folks on this board.

But first, some coffee and Christmas cookies--I'm in a late-afternoon slump.

Thanks again, VSM. :yourock:

[Why Syzygy]

22. thank you ..

the only way I can give kind words is because there are people in my life who affirm me and give me kind words.

It is so much better than doing battle with people who cannot believe in you or even conceive of such an idea.

As someone told me a bit ago. The only person standing in my way is me.

Don't I know that's the truth.

[stellanoir]

15. Can we crown this the official preamble to

this morning's annual Sun conjunct Pluto thread. Arghhhhh

Seattle Girl first of all, first consider the more affirmative. . .

"this IS my life and I've the power to improve it in every way imaginable."

I think many of us are collectively looking at our shortcomings right now.

Maybe, just maybe, we can affirm, till the Solstice if not beyond, that which we have versus that which we lack.

Till then, consider reading the blessing on post (I think it's # 48) on the monthly prayer thread. If I keep habitually reposting it I may get ts'ed.

". . .I send you light to heal you in love. . ."

Oh and by the way, I stayed in a sicko relationship with my son's father for a grueling year and a half after my guidance told me LOUDLY to give him the boot because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. As I result, I unwittingly hurt myself and my kid (not physically but through a short term & god awful custody arrangement.)

All is well now as we both have healed but it would have been a far less rocky transition if had I had only listened to my guidance.

Your feelings DO matter. Trust me on this one and chin up.

[SeattleGirl]

17. stella, thanks for your perspective.

You're correct -- I need to start looking at what I have been seeing in a negative way to a positive way.

[Why Syzygy]

23. Excellent.

Thank you. We have all been there, haven't we. We are One. Your experience is mine too.

We didn't make up the rules. But we sure live by them.

That Sun conjunct Pluto scares the beejebus outa me. I am so sun. But it's a good thing. Right?
Transition really SUX. But when it's over, ah. Got through that storm.

[Sanity Claws]

24. SG, I'm feeling very similar to you

but not quite the same. It's not so much displaced as "how did I get myself here?"
I think that a lot of people are going through different stages of discontent presently.

[Why Syzygy]

26. It might have been

happier days when I was "discontent". Now, I'm on "Acceptance". I don't know how to do it.

[SeattleGirl]

28. I know these passages are part of the journey, but they are

not my favorite of times.

And "how did I get myself here" is a question that flashes through my mind now and then.

[Bluestar]

31. Hi Seattle Girl

I think you are definitely going through a transformation. When my guides were finally able to wake me up, it was when my mother died. I went through a period of deep depression. Fortunately my marriage was sound (36 years in August) but I kept telling my sweet husband, "I love you honey and it's not you, but I hate my life." I had always played everything out in my business life (or so I thought)so I set about trying to change my career.

Although I was grieving my mother, the bigger thing that was going on was that, when my mother passed, all the barriers to facing the issues with my father came tumbling down. When she was alive it upset her greatly to have any of us kids talk about what our lives were like growing up. Now that she was gone there was nothing to prevent any of those memories from coming up and I had to deal with the feelings. I spent a lot of time working around issues instead of facing them head on. I believe that we each come here with certain "big" issues to work out--some of us choose more of these big issues than others. I had taken on dealing with my reaction to my father and all the horrible past lives he and I had together. It took me many more years to actually face who he is and what transpired.

So I think that you are approaching dealing with some of the big issues that you took on--perhaps your husband has been one of your teachers and you are ready to move on. It was a great shift for me to realize that my dad had been a very effective teacher and model of low self-esteem for me. There is not set time frame for you to deal with these issues, so just take on what you can handle one day at a time.

Sending you love and light,
Bluestar

[SeattleGirl]

32. Thank you for your wonderful post, Bluestar.

First, I understand very well the issues with your father. With me, it was the opposite -- the "up front" issues I had were with my dad. But, lo and behold, when he died, and I started getting some therapy, I ran smack into my anger toward my mom. I'm happy to say that I was able to work through that, but wow. It was tough when I was going through it.

I also agree that my husband was one of my teachers. The relationship I had before I met him ended up being THE MOST PAINFUL relationship in my life. MrSG is the antithesis of that other man. Now, however, I have moved beyond that, though, as I've said before, my deep desire it to maintain friendship with him, because he's a good man. Will that happen? I don't know, but it's definitely something I would like to see come to pass.

[Why Syzygy]

33. Beautiful post!

I didn't know this was an issue that other people deal with!

When my dad died, my entire inner world took a shift. He was my rock.

Things that he had held together fell apart. He was concerned about that on his last bed. And asked his spiritual advisor, what will happen now. Well all hell broke lose.

But here, now. Almost 10 years later, we are putting things back together.

He was the strongest teacher I ever had. I still mourn his passing. He had a few peculurarties which seem so trivial now.

I miss him. I honor him. He was an Airies. And he left in the month of March. His birthday month. And way too young. 65.

He was born on the first day of spring.

Transition is so difficult. That's what the astrologers have been posting.

You went through it from the other perspective. But what you say rings true. Tumbling down.
I actually felt the world fall out from under me. There was no earth. It was dizzy. My reality changed. That is what I hear you saying. I understand. The earth fell! And nothing is ever the same again. I felt myself getting a little angry with my dad a few days ago. Since he was air and I'm fire, of course we fed off each other. But he was my best friend. I think he knows that. Hope so.

Your post gives me peace.

[SeattleGirl]

34. I had a love/hate relationship with my dad.

We fought like tigers, but if anyone threatened the other one, look out.

My dad died when he was only 43. It felt so unfair to me, especially because he was diagnosed with cancer mere months after he had stopped drinking. I had moved to Texas, and when Dad called to tell me what was going on with him, I was extremely angry, not to mention emotionally devastated.

After he died, my mom told me that shortly after she met my dad, he told her he "knew" he would never live to be an old man. Self-fulfilling prophesy? Maybe. Dad had an extremely tough life. Maybe he was just flat worn out from it all.

The one thing that gives me great comfort is what is written on his headstone: "Gone Home". That's how I think of my dad: He finally went home, and finally, he is at rest. Peace to you, dad. I miss you.