My husband died a month ago and I just get sadder every day.

[Cleita]

I miss him so much. He was so much a part of me for thirty-three years and now he’s gone. The loneliness is unbearable. I know I will never be happy again, but I will try to get through this one day at a time. The only time we were apart in all that time was when we were at work. The only times we slept apart was when he was in the hospital.

We all know that relationships are a crap shoot and if you win you are lucky. I was one of the lucky ones because our love for each other overcame any other problems that were thrown our way. His wonderful warmth, wit and humor got us through many a rough spot. I just can’t accept that he is gone and that I will never see him again.

I have wanted to write a tribute to him and just get incredibly sad when I try so this will be a short one. This picture of him was taken before he became ill. The sassy look on his face tells you what he was like.



Another DUer wryter2000 lost her husband a week after mine died. This thread is as much for her as for me.

[lancdem]

1. What a cool photo.

I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug:

[PinkTiger]

2. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and the picture.

He is such a pleasant looking gentleman.
I've been married to my husband for 28 years. I can't imagine living without him. He has been ill, off and on, since 1998 (heart surgery, cancer) but for now he is OK - although he had to retire early.

Here's something I heard, though: if you have a good marriage for so many years, your chances are excellent that someday you will find another mate. It will not be the same: it will be different. And it will be wonderful in its own way. So don't despair. If and when you are ready for it, it will come.

My thoughts are with you.

[Quakerfriend]

3. I can almost see a twinkle in his eye, Cleita!

He is very handsome, and it sounds like he was a terrific partner, too.

Please know that we all send you our prayers, and love as you struggle with your loss.

I don't know what your beliefs are but, I have no doubt that when we die we simply continue on, on the other side. I feel so certain of this because I have had visits from many of my relatives and some friends who have died. This was further confirmed for me when I read James van Paghns (?spelling) book "Talking to Heaven". He is a medium who is able to 'connect' those who are still here with their loved ones who have crossed over. If you ever have the chance to go and hear him speak you will find it fascinating.

I know that he used to give 'readings'. But, the waiting list was 2 yrs., last time I checked. I believe that he has a website and a show, if it is still running. You used to be able to call in to get on the show. Many people go with the hopes that he will pick up a connection for them.

Anyway, Best of everything to you. We are all here to comfort and support you.:grouphug:

[DemExpat]

4. Cleita.....I am so sorry for your loss of your dear husband.

He looks wonderful....33 years is a long stretch too, and I can only imagine your sadness.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

DemEx

[Pallas180]

5. Cleita,

someone mentioned James Van Pragh's books up above, and there is another one who has written books about what people experience onthe other side...John Edwards.

It might be of some comfort to you if you picked up a couple of those books at Border's or Barnes and Noble. They just might help you a lot.

There are also many many groups for the bereaved and grieving at churches, or community centers. I know from friends that those groups have been very very helpful to them. Pick up the paper or the phone and seek the support from others you need at this time...and believe it or not you have support to offer them too.

Pallas

[jrthin]

6. What a charmer.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate, the loss feels bottomless, but as painful as it is, we must go and get through all the phases of mourning. Hang in there because I know it's no pinic.

[Eloriel]

7. Oh, Cleita

I can't imagine your sense of bereavement and loss. It must be ghastly. I find myself thinking occasionally (well, sometimes more often than "occasionally") about the possibility/probability of losing my husband, 9 years my senior (and I'm getting senior enough all by myself), and it's something I simply can't wrap my mind around.

But I DO know this, and I try to remind myself every time I think about it... there is life beyond loss. There is a way to go on, and there is a way to (eventually) be happy again. AND I know your dear husband would NOT want you to grieve to the point of not being able to find the path to that happiness.

My heart goes out to you. I know you'll find the comfort and support you need. Please try to be open to it, and don't confuse grief and grieving with loyalty to him, as is so easy to do.

[Lugnut]

8. I'm so sorry Cleita

That's a great picture. I hope the passing of time eases your pain. :hug:

My sister lost her husband very suddenly a week before her 40th birthday almost 16 years ago. She struggled terribly to a point where I was seriously frightened that she wouldn't survive. With a lot of couselling over the years she reached a point where she was able to have a few relationships none of which lasted. A few months ago she met a wonderful man and is, unbelievably to me, talking about marriage. He is nothing like her husband but he is loving, kind and very caring. She has come a very long way in 16 years but it is possible to find love again.

[wryter2000]

9. Thank you, Cleita

That's so sweet of you to dedicate this thread to me and Hal, too.

We had 25 great years together. OK, not all of them were great. But through it all he loved me more than anyone has ever loved me before. I still have that love, even though he isn't around to tell me anymore how much he loved me. You never lose the person. Especially not if they've been with you for so long.

I hope you and I work through the pain. When we come out on the other side, I think we'll both discover that we're two of the luckiest people on Earth.

Love,
Alice

[underseasurveyor]

10. I'm afraid I can only offer you many (((HUGS))), broad shoulders to cry on

and tell both of you, Cleita and wryter, how sorry I am of your loss.
:grouphug:

[loudsue]

11. Cleita and Wryter2000, ((((((((BIG HUGS!!!)))))))

I am so very sorry that you are having to go through this horrible loss. :hug:

Cleita, the picture you posted says it all. He looks like the kind of guy that would light up a home. Thank you for sharing that.

You have to know and believe that the shock and the grief will abate in time. Many of our Foremothers have experienced this loss before us, through the ages, and have gone forward into lives that held any number of blessings. There are lots of blessings that will come your way, and I'm certain your husband would want you to notice, and to open your heart to them when they arrive.

O8) In the meantime, know that our prayers and thoughts are with you. O8)

:loveya:

loudsue

[foreigncorrespondent]

12. Cleita, I am so sorry!!!

Death of a loved one (be it parent, lover, husband, wife, child, aunt, uncle, etc) is never an easy thing to get through. I admire the strength you have shown, just by coming and here letting us into a part of your life like this, by writing the words you have.

Just remember every day of those thirty-three years you had this special man in your life.

Sapph and I have just begun another forced separation (she flew back to the states 3 days (almost 4)ago now.) While I sit here with tears streaming down my face trying to get through the inevitable feelings of loneliness and emptiness we face during these times, I know it does give me strength to go on if I focus on the memory of the wonderful 28 days we have just shared together.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

[Desertrose]

13. Oh Cleita, I am so sorry.....

What a great photo you shared ...he looks like quite the character. :)

I don't think we ever get over missing the physical presence of someone we shared so much of life with and who has been such a big part of our everyday world......

For what its worth, I do feel he is very near you and still very connected to you....he loved you deeply & completely but you already know that. :)

I don't know your beliefs but I have always felt that death is simply slipping out of a set of worn & tired clothes into a much freer way of being. He would've stayed if he could.....but now it is your turn in a way to take that love & carry it here on earth...which you are doing....but its the missing of the physical being and that is so so hard......I think you have to go gentle with yourself...you are healing from a very large wound and it takes time and nurturing......if we are lucky, each day becomes a fraction better than the day before...sometimes there are setbacks.....I know sometimes it even hurts to breathe, let alone feel....but we don't have much choice.

Please know that you will see him again....with a love as strong as yours, the connection never dies....its just missing that touch, that voice.....and getting through each day....

Those who pass, feel our sadness and I think sometimes if we could feel their joy in being free of the confines of an old, hurt, tired ill body that it would cheer us up a bit....he understands your deep sadness but wants to see you happy again. Be alert to small things that only you would understand...his way of saying" hello...I'm still here you know" :)


:hug::hug::grouphug: to you & wryter2000...please come here anytime......:loveya: DR

[tlcandie]

14. DR .. very well said as usual!!!

Cleita and wryter2000 my HUGE hugs from the very depths of my soul to you and yours!!

DR has a special gift...she's somewhat of a seer! She did a fabulous soul picture of my and my husband which makes me cry every time I look at it...she's so attuned!

I would only add that when you are able and find a little opening past the grief and loneliness, that if you can find a way to open up your hearts and allow the full expression of their being into your heart, so that their legacy of love and giving, humor, etc. is allowed to continue through your vessel. They would never want you to live a life of sadness. Once we are able to move past our humanness, then we can free them as well to enjoy the full beauty of the life they are experiencing now.

Sometimes it is easier to work from the other side than in these strange and turbulent times. I just read from Aluna Joy that confronting the evil of the day head on gets us nowhere that it must start from the heart... a chalice of Love... that spills out into our homes and overflows to those around us.

Keep those you love close to you and enjoy their hugs, touches, smiles and love to help you through your grief...

Spirit guide and keep you both and allow you to see that your loved ones are still with you just not visible to the human eye...

:loveya: :grouphug: :hug:

[Cleita]

17. Desertrose I'm wondering.

Since he died mourning doves have been coming to our bird feeder. The care of the wild birds was something he always took care of himself. After he died I kept putting out the bird seed for him. We seldom got doves at our feeder because there are too many hawks in the area who prey on them.

The reason I ask is because he was from Ireland and his surname is derived from the Gaelic word for peace. The coast of arms for the name has doves in it. I hope I'm not reading something into this that's not there. But is it possible he has sent the doves to let me know he's still around?

I want to believe this but yet the cynic in me takes over all the time.

[Desertrose]

19. well, as I read that I just got tears in my eyes

and goosebumps big time....for me that has always been a very strong confirmation that I have connected with a "truth".

Yes...this is exactly what I meant...you will know the signs....the mourning doves are perfect....he is trying to send you comfort and a sense he is still with you. I think you are reading into it exactly what he wants you to...I really feel this is his way of letting you know he is still around. (I love to listen to the mourning dove singing...they are such sweet peaceful birds...I even found a perfect little feather with a black dot on it the other day when I was hiking.)

You can also ask for a sign from him if you want...like some feathers or a favorite tune on the radio...simple things that seem like more than "coincidence"...littel things that you shared or laughed about...

I lost my Mom 3 years ago ( it will be exactly three years on Feb 2) I remember the first year I was missing her so much as my birthday approached and was thinking how I would give anything to get a card from her & see her handwriting.....The week of my birthday for some reason as I was searching for something else, I came upon her birthday card from the previous year...as I reread it, I noticed the date...for some reason she had dated it a YEAR ahead, instead of 2001 she had written 2002 and I never noticed it before!!! So I DID get my bday card :) These are the kinds of little things that make our hearts happy....

I have a feeling your husband may have had a wicked sense of humor and I get the impression that he will enjoy seeing you get the little "messages" he will be sending you :)

Hang in:hug::loveya:
DR

[Helga Scow Stern]

15. Hi Cleita.

I lost my mate in 1999 and my beloved father this July. I found it was really important to grieve my mate--fully, for about two years. I thought I would just die and never be happy again.

It does lift, but crying your heart out whenever you feel like it seems really important.

Then the other thing is, what I really learned from these deaths of two of the people closest to me, is that I no longer fear death. I know now that life continues in some form. I have had too many instances of the definite presence of both of these departed souls--literally--that I don't think of death as such a horror anymore.

Not only am I not afraid of dying, I am not afraid nearly so much of loss. The heart mends in the most amazing ways, and grief is one of the most blessed emotions we can experience. One day, you will see, it is as if a cloud lifts, and love feels more powerful than ever. Love definitely transcends death. It is not such a personal love that survives, but a stronger love for all of life.

Give yourself 2 years and don't expect much of anything from yourself until the time has passed. You will be happy to be alive again.

Think of how your husband feels watching you. He is there.

[rocktop15]

16. So sorry

It hurts tremendously to lose someone who you care about. Things WILL get better though. It is always good to try to look back at all the good memories and times that they brought your way.

My thoughts and prayers go out to ya.

[Cleita]

18. Thanks everyone for your kind words.n/t

[LunaC]

20. This poem has given me peace in a time of grieving

I hope it helps you too!

Old Souls

by Paul Williams


Our love is an old love.
It’s older than all our years.
I have seen in strange young eyes
familiar tears.

We’re old souls in a new life.
They gave us a new life to live and learn.
Some time to touch old friends
and still return.

Our paths have crossed and parted.
This love was started
long, long ago.
In its story lives are pages.
Fill them up.
May ours turn slow.

Our love is a strong love.
We give it all and still receive.
So with empty arms
we must still believe.

All souls last forever
So we need never fear goodbye.
A kiss when you must go.
No tears....
In time we kiss hello.

[NMDemDist2]

21. I'm sorry W2000 and Cleita--- My dad died a few months ago

and while I grieve him, I worry/wonder about my beloved stepmother of 46 years.

I just dropped her a note before I saw this thread telling her I wished I was closer and could help more

my DH is the opposite side of my same coin, but I know we came here together and will not part even if one of us leaves the earthly plane

Your beloved is close and will protect and love you, but it's not the same as sitting over the kitchen table over a cup of coffee I know

:hug: and again :hug:

one day at a time, one step at a time you will get through this

[Cleita]

22. Yes you should contact your stepmother.

I too have a step family, but while they have each other to comfort one another, I feel a bit left out. It became apparent to me that even though there were losses in our lives, my husband and I always shared them with each other and now there isn't that person there to share with. My stepdaughter, of course has her husband to share this with, and don't get me wrong they have been wonderful, but it's not the same. I think your stepmother will appreciate any reaching out that you do.

[NMDemDist2]

23. i email her almost daily and make a point of calling often and have

been since Dad passed

the first few weeks folks stay close, then fade away. It's after a few weeks when you try to get back to a normal routine that it's so difficult

so I am making a special effort to stay close now that it's been a few months. She has been working like mad on the house sort of "making it her own" but she will run out of things to do soon and that's when I fear it will all hit home

Sounds like that is where you may be now. Finding a new balance

:hug:

[ocean girl]

24. Very sorry for your loss

I lost my Mother and my husband lost his brother 2 years ago within 3 months of each other. While my Mom made it through 14 years of breast cancer, she lived until 77, while my brother-in-law died at 35 leaving behind a brand new baby and wife.

In the beginning, we both had many 'visitations' by both loved ones. We could just feel their presence and at first it was weird and scary, but eventually it became comforting to feel their energy in the room. I learned to have total acceptance that they both still existed 'somewhere' and they were still loving us from their current location.

As the years have passed, we have felt them less, but they still drop by - sometimes in dreams, sometimes in the wisp of a favorite song or saying.

About a month before my Mom passed, we had a close call when her blood pressure dropped dramatically and her respiration slowed. The hospice nurse called us in to say goodbye because it looked like the end had come. After a few hours, Mom awoke totally alert and said: "I'm not afraid anymore. I went to heaven and now I'm not afraid." She had always been so afraid of death, but after that episode, she was peaceful and calm until the end. We tried to get her to tell us about heaven, but it was as though her lips were sealed - she would just smile serenely - and just say it was a wonderful place.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that we go somewhere after we leave the earth. I have no idea what 'heaven' is but I know we'll see them again and all those we love who went before us.

Best of luck to you and be sure to give yourself plenty of time to grieve. There is no timetable for grief and it is not a straight line. You will have many hard days, then some not so hard, then it will get hard again. I kept wanting it to be 'over' but it never is, it just gets more bearable.

Peace to you.

[TankLV]

25. I am so sorry for your loss.

There is nothing that I can say to make it better, because everything will take its own time for each person.

My aunt is going thru this process now - and it was a year ago November that my father's identical twin died. She is still in deep mourning, as am I and my sister and cousins.

I was really sad for 4 years after my dad died, then my Grandmother - until my mom died - and then I was sad for her.

I lost almost everyone close to me from my parents' and grandparents' generation almost all at the same time - my Grandma lived till 102 - I thought they would all live that long - I was wrong.

But it does get better. Gradually. In it's own time.

Now I can "talk" to anyone I wish. I feel them all around me all the time. I've since met my partner for life - we've been together now since 2000 - and it's getting deeper and better every day.

I'm not so sad at all now - and I remember mostly the fun and good times and the memories bring me joy, not sadness,now.

It will happen to you, too. I am sure of that.

[latebloomer]

26. I'm so sorry, Cleita

and wryter2000, you as well!

I can only imagine the pain you must be going through.

Love, light and healing to you-- and may he give you some clues that he still lives on!

:hug:

[smirkymonkey]

27. I am so sorry for your loss, Clieta

I can't presume to know what you are going through, but I hope you will find some peace as you go through this difficult time.

:hug:

[Behind the Aegis]

28. Pain and sorrow

I have avoided posting to this thread. I hate to hear about others in pain. But, I feel it is more important to join the chorus of the other Du'ers in saying we feel for you. You were very lucky to have known love like you did, but that does not erase the pain you are feeling. As another poster said, nothing I can say will ease your pain, but I have a wonderful set of ears (cute and small :)) (well, eyes in this case).

I have read other posts from you and I see you as a strong person. You are in my thoughts. Look for your love in your dreams. I believe that even though they have moved on, they will remind us they still love us in our dreams.

Brightest Blessings!

[Flaxbee]

29. I'm sorry, Cleita

and for your loss, wryter. Words fail me, they often do, but I hope your pain does ease with time. It may be months or years before you notice you've gotten through a day without that hollow feeling in your stomach - even that you've gotten through an hour without the ache, but I believe time will lessen your pain.

Sounds like the mourning doves are definitely a gift from him, that he's still with you. He looks like the kind of guy people would be attracted to b/c of his charm and wit. It looks like he loved his life, and you, very much.

[bliss_eternal]

30. Cleita--I am so sorry for your tremendous loss

I doubt that there is much I can say that will comfort you. I just wanted you to know how sorry that I am.

I also want to thank you for sharing the picture and your true feelings with us. It's never easy for anyone to admit how much they are hurting inside--It's so brave of you to do so...

(((Cleita))))

[gypsy11]

31. He looks like a wonderful man

I am sorry for your loss.
He will always be with you in your heart.
I believe that we all see the ones we lost again someday.
:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

32. I am so sorry. My dad lost my mother last week. It's been

awful.

[Cleita]

33. I'm so sorry GreenPartyVoter.

It's so hard to lose loved ones, yet everyone must go through it. :hug: Be strong.

I wonder if the monster in the White House thinks about the pain of those surviving their loved ones killed in his montrous war.

[GreenPartyVoter]

35. I don't think he does. I will tell you though, that if my mother could

have fixed it so that she went instead of some innocent Iraqi child... or the young parents of a child, she might very well have done that.

[Desertrose]

37. I'm sorry....

for you & your Dad...

its a tough time of year.....

:hug::hug:
DR

[Cleita]

34. I'm starting to get used to be alone most of the day.

When you spend almost every hour 24/7 with one person for so many years it's quite a shock. I still miss him so much. That will never go away, but I'm trying my best. I'm busying myself not only here at DU but with other things to occupy my mind.

Thanks everyone again for your kindness and taking the trouble to respond and say comforting things.

[Desertrose]

36. time.....

sometimes it really is the only thing that helps...

I am glad you are feeling a bit easier with things..

:hug::grouphug: :hug:
DR

[NMDemDist2]

38. Cleita, have you thought about getting a puppy or kitten? a baby

that needs your attention, training and love?

it may give you something to keep your mind occupied and a companion for the days

my poor stepmother lost her 17 year old dog yesterday after losing Dad a few months back. She wants a new puppy right away and was relieved when I promised I'd care for it should anything happen

a baby pet may help brighten your days and will certainly give you the companionship you need so much right now

just a thought.....

[Cleita]

39. I have my own cat and a dog during the day that I dog sit.

They keep me company somewhat. It's not the same as my husband and right now my alpha male cat worries me about bringing around competition. I wouldn't trust him with baby animals. It's a thought though and thanks for the suggestion.

The bottom line is that I have to learn to live with this wound in my heart.

[Is It Fascism Yet]

40. Peace and Strength to you, Cleita! One thing you are wrong about

is that you will never know happiness again. You will. The life you lived is gone, over. But now, you must re-invent a new life, and, if you do so purposfully, careful to invent a wonderful life, you will know happiness again one day. I was widowed 13 years ago. Not married as long as you, only 17 years, but, they were 17 good years. I felt like I died too, but my heart was still beating, body still strong. But the life I knew was over. So, I put that old life away, as if it had been an entirely different incarnation, which, in a way, it was, and I invented a new life for myself. I still miss my former husband, still love him, still think of him each day, but, also laugh and enjoy life and look forward to tomorrow. I know you don't want to hear this right now, but, you can love more than one person, it's true. I have a wonderful husband now. He is not wonderful in the same ways the other husband was wonderful, but, in ways of his own. The strengths of both men's characters are unique to themselves. I do not compare them, but simultaneously miss the one and enjoy the other. Don't give up hope, because, I know you will find peace, serenity and happiness again one day, while still never forgetting! Bright Blessings and More Power to You!