Mother-in-law (Rant)

[latebloomer]

My mother-in-law moved in with us in August, and she has been a major
stress on me. She's a nice lady, and I used to enjoy her company, but
she is now totally getting on my nerves. She was living
with my enabling b-i-l, his wife who may or may not still be drinking
and/or abusing prescription drugs, and their troubled teenage son.
They took ALL of her paltry fixed income and the wife never
contributed a dime. She moved there, out of her inexpensive apt, to help pay the bills when the wife left for a while-- to live with her alcoholic ex, who she STILL
spends 2 nites a week with (and my b-i-l puts up with that!!) When the wife
returned home my m-i-l should have left, but instead she stayed and
continued to pay the mortgage.

Several times over the years we had invited her to live with us-- I
don't know WHAT I was thinking--I guess I enjoyed her weeklong visits
and, frankly, never thought she'd take us up on it, because she too is a chronic enabler and my b-i-l makes crappy money and "needed her help".

So last August we were on vacation, and I checked our home phone for
messages. There was one from her brother, stating that she would
be "making her final move" into our house the NEXT DAY! No call from
her, no question about whether this would work for us,nothing. I
think we were in shock-- in hindsight, we should have said "NOT SO FAST!" I had been diagnosed with leukemia in May and was undergoing rounds of inpatient chemo-- no one asked how I felt about a sudden new member of the household.

Like I say, she's a nice lady, but her habits absolutely drive me
nuts. She has limited eyesight due to macular degeneration, can't
read, so she sits ALL DAY in my living room with the TV on, in this
big ugly-ass recliner with which she has defaced my living room
without a by-your leave. She sits around all day, every day, in her
nightgown and a ratty bathrobe. She goes out to the porch to smoke
every half hour, and the ashtray usually has at least 30 butts in it,
despite my plea for her to empty it regularly. She brings all kinds of
crappy food into the house and offers it to my kids, and I have to
tell them they can't eat it.


But what it really boils down to is that I need a lot of personal
space, and I don't like sharing my house with someone I didn't marry
or give birth to. I don't like stumbling over her in the kitchen, or
having her in the bathroom when I want to use it. She has taken over
my whole first floor. We have no family room, only 1 full bath, and
we're not set up for this. The other day I was thinking of having a
friend over, and I realized that if we wanted to talk privately the
only place we could do so was on my bed!

When we've gone out to eat she must always accompany us-- I feel like
we've given up our identity as a family of four. Yet my husband is just
fine with this- he wouldn't mind her staying here forever!! But because of my feelings, he did tell her this will be temporary-- I just don't know how, when or where she will go with her limited income.

I know she is depressed, that she's had a very hard life, that she's old and basically homeless,but I find it hard to summon up compassion, and then I feel guilty. I know that I displace a lot of negativity onto her that comes from other sources. I had a stem-cell transplant in Dec, and the doctor says that "it looks like a cure"!! I am SOOO grateful, but I don't feel ecstatic all the time-I have a big backlog of unprocessed feelings,from when I was in and out of the hospital, having to deal with the shock of my diagnosis, the fear of death,having to take all these toxic therapies because otherwise I'd die, and fast! So I'm angry and depressed at times, and I think I take a lot of that out on her. Not to say that this isn't an untenable situation, because it is. But I don't like the rage I feel towards her.

Thanks for any feedback and for allowing me to rant!
lb

[elleng]

1. lb,

you are CERTAINLY entitled to that rant, and probably others. I have no feedback for you at the moment, but feel for you.

Just returned from visit with my folks, finally showing signs of their ages, so I'm becoming aware. Folks, so many of us have these sorts of things ahead of us.

We're with you, lb.

[latebloomer]

6. Thanks!

I appreciate your support.

[Proud_Lefty]

2. My heart goes out to you

Whenever my MIL would come to visit, she'd stay for 3 to 4 weeks. She'd go through all my closets and drawers, and she would criticize my husband and I on our parenting skills right in front of our kids. She would take over the household and I would bite my tongue the entire time. She's now getting to an age where she needs to start thinking of alternative living, either with us or with my SIL in Ohio (send light to my SIL). What I realized is that when she comes and takes over for a short amount of time, I can bite my tongue because she'll go home and our life will return to normal. However, if she moves in with us, I need to establish my boundaries and stand firm on them. I've seen a lot of my friends go through this and it's critical to retain your sanity. Of course, it's hard setting rules for another adult, but you need to remember that you are the lady of the house and a guest needs to respect that. Make hubby understand and have him help her understand if you can't swing it alone. Much light to you. It's not easy to go through, but it is worthwhile once the bumps have been paved. :hug:

[latebloomer]

7. Wow!

Your m-i-l sounds like a piece of work. Living with her would NOT be easy. I would really think twice about that,because she sounds like she has the kind of personality that thrives on trampling on boundaries, and you'd always be butting heads. Mine is not nosey or interfering, I must say.

I do try to speak up, but little things tend to build up and annoy me. For example, I asked her to empty her ashtray after a few cigs collect there-- but she still lets 30 or more collect there. It's not so bad now in the winter, but in the summer it reeks and I will not allow it. And there are certain things-- like the fact that she never gets out of her nightclothes-- that I don't feel I have the right to set boundaries on.

[Why Syzygy]

3. Boundaries!!

It could be that since you were sick when she moved in, you weren't up to setting boundaries. Then. It sounds like you are ready NOW. As long as she's there it isn't going to be the way you want it exactly, but it is still your home and you have a right to limit what goes on there. She should be asked to agree with that philosophy and then be willing to abide. I understand her dire straights, I really do. But that doesn't give one an excuse to take advantage of people and disrespect their privacy and belongings. Only you can decide what you can live with. If she has to sit on another chair to watch tv, it seems that isn't too much to ask so that you can maintain your sense of HOME.

I would rather have open disagreements than the silent steaming scenarios. The reason I had to ask my last long term roommate to leave is because I hated who I was when he was around because I just could not stand him. I hated those feelings. I know how you feel. After he left, I could finally like myself again! There was no confronting him, though, because he would just shrink further in his shell and I couldn't bear that.

Blessings on you. Life sure seems to be strict sometimes.

Your post prompted me to think of this book I've been reading. It's written by a former pharmacist who was cured of cancer by conventional means and then went on to become a Shamana so her soul could heal as well. One of the stories she tells is about a friend of hers who was very depressed for a long time. Constance, the author, was inspired to recommend that her friend volunteer for a local garden co-op (or some such). It turns out the friend worked all day weeding a field of lavender. By the end of the day, she felt refreshed and renewed. Lavender became her theme in dress and decorating! She was cured! Check it out >

http://www.amazon.com/Energy-Prescription-Yourself-Abundant-Pharmacist/dp/0553382543/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203200199&sr=1-1

[latebloomer]

8. Thanks for the link!

Looks intriguing.

I understand what you said about your roommate because walking around in a rage at my m-i-l does not fit the image of the person I want to be.

Setting boundaries is tough for me because I never know where to draw the line-- plus I'm a little wimpy. Telling her she can't sit in her beloved recliner while the TV blares from morning till night? Forcing her to get dressed every day so she doesn't present such a depressing sight? Letting her know I can't stand the smell of the twice-cooked bacon fat she uses to cook her daily grilled cheese? I'm not a very assertive person, and I keep second-guessing myself about what I have a right to say.

[Dover]

4. She may be one of your more important teachers...

I'm gonna guess this isn't what you're wanting to hear right now. But you might look more deeply into this ownership of YOUR space and boundary issues throughout your life.

Your illness has been a teacher, so how might this old woman being here now help you to grow and find yourself? You have said the anger issues don't necessarily belong to her...she is a receptacle for your emotional projections. That's a good start.

I'm not suggesting that a new arrangement or solution doesn't need to be found or that her issues are yours. But I doubt a satisfying solution CAN be found before some things get worked through internally. So what is she projecting for you? And once you get in touch with those feelings can you use some creative steps as can be found in The Secret to create the solution for everyone?

[latebloomer]

9. Dover, I know that you are right

and the best hypothesis I've come up with to date is that, like the leukemia, she represents loss of control over my life, and I have a lot of unaddressed anger, fear and pain about my illness. A lot of anger has also come up about lack of nurturance in my early life. I've been putting it off, but I think I need to go back into therapy.

Thanks, as always, for your insight.

[Dover]

11. Well then imagine what life would look/feel like if you had supreme control

and you called all the shots. I mean it...really get inside that for awhile and try it on for size.

Also, might consider using this time of recovery to take an extended "vacation" by yourself...whether that be to participate in a group experience/workshop or be alone or put yourself in a foreign environment, etc. Sounds like things need a little shaking up...however you want to define that. Let everyone fend for themselves for awhile.

Also some other books to suggest (though action might be more healing right now):

The Power Is Within You - Louise Hay
Why People Don't Heal And How They Can - Caroline Myss

[latebloomer]

16. huh!

My husband gave me the Myss book to read months ago-- maybe I'll crack it open now.

Supreme control- I'll have to think about that one! :D

And going away by myself? That's something I haven't done for 30 years!!

[Dover]

23. Yep...it all really comes down to self love/nurture.

It struck me when I began to do just that in earnest, how UNnurturing I had been toward myself (and I could give you a million seemingly sound excuses for why I didn't deserve or need or couldn't afford this care) and that it was ultimately much easier to nurture and be courageous in caring for another instead and to accept without question any sacrifices necessary in order to do it.
So I had to imagine myself the loving parent I never had, caring for the child in me....to raise myself the way I wanted to be raised, standing up for myself when needed, encouraging and forgiving myself, trusting my inner guidance, etc. To hold myself as if in the arms of the loving parent....
A more difficult task I've never had...to love this 'child'!

Just listen to what you are needing and be courageous in fulfilling that deep call. That's all.

:hug:

[latebloomer]

27. I've been working on this issue recently

looking at myself as a worried, emotionally neglected child and visualizing that child being loved, held and nurtured.

[LiberalEsto]

25. It does sound like a nurturing issue

This woman is basically acting like a baby, requiring all kinds of accommodation and nurturing to maintain her current state.

You have been ill, and you need and deserve that care and nurturing for yourself.

Not only is that woman hogging the attention and resources of the family, but she's certainly not going to provide you with any nurturing.

You certainly might speak up about your needs. Devote time to nurturing yourself. If your family isn't able to provide much, do you have a community such as a congregation that can help?

And you do have us!

:hug:

[latebloomer]

28. In fairness I can't say it's all one-way

She's paying rent, which we can really use because I'm just starting back to work on a very pt-time basis.

She also cooks a couple nites a week, which works OK if we buy the ingredients-- does NOT work when her brother takes her shopping and she comes home with garbage. And she loads the dishwasher and washes pots and pans.

She'll ask me how I'm feeling, but I can't say she's particularly nurturing. She likes things her way, and that's what's most important.

I don't belong to a church, but I do have friends who offer good support.

[LaurenG]

5. There are so many similarities here that I thought we were living parallel

lives, except this is MY mother (macular degeration and all).

She was living alone in Albuquerque last summer and my sister would go by to help her. She was also enabling my brother.

Having her here is a huge adjustment not just for me but for my husband. I feel sad for her as she used to be very involved in her life, before my dad died. She is an artist and an activist (a republican activist for the environment???)

She is also quite lonely and likes to eat candy and listen to TV.

In the big picture, you will have to help her to adjust to your rules, (unless there are options to move her into her own place nearby). My mom tried her hardest to control the time we spent with her and she cried because we didn't sit with her all day. We had several really intense conversations about her going on with her life, I had to tell her that though this was now her house too, she isn't the only one living here and the world can't and won't revolve around her. We had to set CLEAR boundaries for her and she is starting to respect that.

We have enrolled her in books for the blind. They send her books on tape each week and she loves them. She is also going to the senior center every so often so that she can meet people her own age. We go out to dinner or breakfast about every week and we rent movies we can all watch. Since my husband and I have jobs we are lucky that my sister is here to help. One thing I know for sure is that if you can give her a job, something she can do to contribute, it may help, it changed my mom when she felt like a part of the family.

I wish I had a magic wand to help you, to take away all the pain.

If you need you can PM me. I do know the feeling but it does get easier. :hug:

[latebloomer]

10. Wow, strange similarities!

My m-i-l has also complained that we don't spend enough time with her-- she had the same complaint at my b-i-l's. She doesn't get that people are busy and that they also need some alone time or time with spouse. She hasn't specifically complained about me, but I'm sure she doesn't like the fact that I spend most of my time closeted in my room. Partially this is because I am recovering from the transplant and don't have a huge amount of energy, but a lot of it is about avoiding HER. I feel bad that she must be so aware of my dissatisfaction,

We had thought about getting her involved in some senior activities--I really need to look into that. She only goes out when her brother takes her once every 3 weeks or so, or when we go out to dinner. She doesn't like talking books-- she falls asleep during them.

And I must say that she does help out some-- she pays us rent, does some cooking and most of the dishes. I don't know if that makes her feel more part of the family, but it does help us.

[Celebration]

12. the recliner

She lost my sympathy with the recliner. Oh, just kidding. What is it about these ugly recliners? Listen, I really agree with the idea about boundaries. She could certainly get dressed by 10am if she is going to hang out in your main living area. I would try to find room for the chair in her bedroom, and maybe a small TV there too. She can choose whether to stay there in her night clothes or come out into the main living area, sans recliner, after she gets dressed. Honestly, that is just a suggestion. You have to decide what is important to you, and what is not important to you. The food issue is totally unacceptable. JMHO. However, I am not trying to tell you what to do.

Anyway, I hope you work this out. This has to be really hard on you.

So happy you are getting well!!

[Why Syzygy]

13. That's some good advice.

Not getting dressed is a sure sign of depression. Maybe she should see a doctor. But for the sake of the family, and in case they do want company, I think it's reasonable to request street clothes for common areas during the day.

It really is like a roommate situation. Everyone has to agree to compromise. One sided will not work.

[latebloomer]

18. I'm sure she's depressed

She had a lousy childhood-- teenage mother who basically abandoned her, poor most of her life, alcoholic husband, addict son who died of AIDS-- now she's living where she knows she's not wanted.

[latebloomer]

17. She'll have her TV hooked up next week in her room

I'd LOVE to tell her she needs to stay there until she gets dressed, but I don't think I have the ovaries. She likes to stay downstairs with her recliner and easy access to the porch and her ashtray.

[Bluestar]

14. Hi Latebloomer--all of the suggestions here are good ones

I don't have any personal insight to this situation as I haven't found myself in it, but one word just kept ringing for me as I read your post and that is "family counseling". It is certainly difficult with your physical challenges to set boundaries and it seems to me that an objective third party could support all of you with your needs and sort out what can work in your living situation. If cost is an issue, I believe that there are community counselors who could help.

Sending you love and light to work out this situation for the good of all.

Bluestar

[latebloomer]

19. Funny- I'm a therapist myself

and would you believe the thought never crossed my mind?

I guess I'm in denial- I just want her out of here. I don't want to work things out with her-- though counseling COULD lead to a mutual acknowledgment that she needs to leave.In fact, she's already been told that, and was quite gracious and understanding about it-- but who knows when something will change? I feel I'm the only one motivated to make it happen.

Thanks for the good vibes!

[Habibi]

15. Latebloomer:

you will find many kindred spirits, and lots of advice and support at this web site:

http://www.websitetoolbox.com/tool/mb/mikegamble

There are oodles of threads about living with aging parents and in-laws, many good people there who will know immediately where you are coming from and will step up with words of wisdom to help you cope with this.

My father-in-law died suddenly in the spring of '06. It was assumed by many that his widow would move in with me and my husband (an only child). I resisted this idea, and after spending time at the above-named site, I'm *so glad* I did. Now nothing short of utter destitution would persuade me to agree to live with my MIL.

It doesn't matter whether your MIL is a nice person or not, whether you like her or not--the point is, you have lost your privacy and control over your life. Sometimes these types of arrangements work out, but often they do not. It is NOT your fault that you don't like the situation! It has nothing to do with how good a person you are. You did not sign on to be a caregiver for someone who refuses to help herself.

Ack. I'm going to stop now before I get any hotter under the collar. Please go to the site. You'll be glad you did.

ETA: I'll direct you to the Mother of All MIL threads at this site--nearly two years old and still fairly active: http://www.websitetoolbox.com/tool/post/mikegamble/vpost?id=1111534

[latebloomer]

20. Oh, cool!!

What a bunch of horror stories!

Sounds like you made the right decision.

[Why Syzygy]

21. I don't know about your area,

but here there is an organization that provides low income housing. It isn't limited to the government sponsored programs. It's called Foundation Communities >
http://www.foundcom.org

In this case they offer homes for single people who would otherwise be homeless. The rent can be subsidized or charged at a flat rate. Something like this would be ideal for her. Maybe there's something similar in your area.

[latebloomer]

22. Thanks!

A friend who's a great researcher had emailed me all these links for senior or low-income housing.

Problem is, I felt totally overwhelmed by the task-- and resentful that I'm the only one motivated to do anything about this.

[Habibi]

24. I like the idea of getting away for awhile

if you can swing it. It would be good for you, and with your husband put into the role of "primary caregiver" for a bit, he might get some insight into what you're feeling. Then maybe he'll be more willing to help you find a place for her. In any case, you two need to be on the same page here.

Good luck with this--I know it's wrenching, but the sooner she is in her own place, the better. She's lived her life; she doesn't deserve to live yours, too.

[Why Syzygy]

26. Maybe you can involve her in that task?

I'm a great researcher too and would be happy to narrow the field for you, if you want. I've had to develop excellent research skills just getting by in my life. Let me help you. I synthesize and eliminate very well.

When she does get her own place, one of two things could be the case. She may remain depressed, which would be the *easiest path*, and she would have a place to really give into it. Or she may slowly come out of it, brought about partly because she would have a place of her own. Most single people I know really prefer to live alone. The only reason I have roommates is for the additional rent money. It sure isn't because I want to see them day and night.

I lived in one of the Foundation Communities' properties. There were enough people around there who were interested in me, meaning wanted to talk, go do something. IOW I didn't have to stay in my apartment all alone if I didn't want to. I played pool with some of them. The male population exceeds the women's. I'm seeing more and more co-opt living too. The situations I know about work very well. I'm considering one. Usually all meals are included but the rents aren't very high. Perhaps you would want to check into those situations too. It might be better if she is in a situation where she can make a few friends.

Depression comes from several things. One certain way is the path of worthlessness. There can be a lot of unexpressed anger, or more accurately, anger expressed in destructive ways.

I wish you all well. And, REALLY, if I can, I would be happy to assist, or dig through the options.
Re: Overwhelming. The low income market IS a maze. That's what I found out. There are several sources and many of them have different requirements. It's no different than any other cluster-f**k the government devises.

Was it Einstein or Aristotle who said that the solution to any problem is contained within the problem.
I don't know how that figures here. But it fits.

[latebloomer]

29. Thanks so much for the very generous offer!

I don't know if I need to take you up on it, because the friend who emailed me all the info has volunteered to make phone calls, get applications, etc. So we'll see how that goes.

I'm sure I'd feel better if her name was on some waiting lists.

I'm sure she'd prefer to live alone-- who wants to be in a place where it's clear you're not really wanted? As far as her depression goes, I don't know-- she's been depressed all her life and the loss of her eyesight sure doesn't help-- she has no autonomy, can't drive, etc.

[Why Syzygy]

30. You are quite welcome.

I know it is an overwhelming task. I'm just glad your friend is going to help you with it.
You made me think of something else too. We have a school for the blind where people can live and learn how to care for themselves. Another organization is Lighthouse for the Blind. A friend of mine works for one of those in another city. He's legally blind. I know she may not have any motivation to pursue options that would be good for her. But if your friend, you, and your family all work to support her needs and find a suitable place for her, the rest is up to her and the professionals and staff of the location.

You didn't mention why she left your bil's house and came to yours. Is there a chance she would opt to go back there?

[latebloomer]

31. She left my b-i-l's

because she finally get fed up with the way they were taking all her money,while her d-i-l contributed nothing. She also got upset with their teenage son having his friends drinking and smoking in the house till all hours of the morning, while the parents slept on, oblivious and not doing anything about his problems.

Because she's such an enabler it takes her a LONG time to reach the breaking point, but she finally did. She actually FLED from there-- didn't speak to her son, just left him a letter, and did not discuss anything with us before she plopped down in our house.

My b-i-l would LOVE to have her back, even tho she drives him nuts the same way she does me-- so I'm sure he just would want her for the $$ she contributes. I doubt she'd go back there.

I think she might have had some contact with Lighthouse in the past-- not sure.

I think I will have to be in less of a rage-- therapy is in order-- before I look into anything besides getting her the hell out of here.