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Edited on Thu Apr-10-08 02:21 AM by rumpel
trying to understand it more, I was puzzled by various readings.
They talked about some mild trauma in early childhood. Well, I thought, I do not remember any "childhood family problems", mine was very smooth and calm, or so I thought. Cassie (miss her) said; "There are a lot of karmic issues between my mother and me."
It took me half a century to understand what Saturn in my chart was teaching me...
Saturn in the 4th House: Peltier says: With this placement you may have the feeling that duties and obligations in your early childhood conflicted with your innermost emotional needs. Consequently, you felt frustrated and misunderstood. I thought, Huh?
Hand says: Your parents may seem too strict, too conservative and cautious, or they may impose too much responsibility on you. Well, yeah, but many parents were like that.
Mars Opposition Saturn: Hand: You often have the feeling that persons and circumstances are working against you and frustrating what you want to do. As a result you learn to hold in your emotions, especially anger. But eventually your anger builds up so far that you can no longer keep it in, and it spills over as sarcasm and a generally bitter and negative attitude toward anything that upsets you. The smashing, stomping Rumpelstiltzchen Peltier: Once you get over the idea of your own unworthiness, you can go far. hmmmm
Saturn Opposition Midheaven: Hand: This can be a difficult placement, indicating that you feel so lonely and so different from others that it is hard to relate to them. You need a great deal of emotional support from your family. Your mother, especially, may demand a great deal and expect you to live up to very high standards, without giving you very much emotional reinforcement. :freak:
Saturn Square Ascendant: Peltier: It would seem that there was little warmth between you and your parents, and you were expected to perform your duties without question. kind of...
Now that my mother had a major medical emergency last year and trying to get back on her feet, literally and figuratively, I discovered that all these years I was so wrong in my perception about my mother.
However, I believe it was a general societal norm in many cultures to be authoritarian and abusive verbally or otherwise. Added to that, you are taught to respect your elders, which in and of itself is still a respectable thing to me. While I have lost much of the respect I had, while witnessing the raw and prominent emotional display of all negative traits, and trying to help her realize it, I now think that this is part of the whole micro and macrocosm of our collective history, and perhaps this IS the big change that is occurring and manifesting everywhere.
Odd thing is that others observed the problem and used the term "emotional blackmail", or my daughter telling me, "why are you such a push over and let yourself be mistreated and abused by her." I still did not see it quite that way. I thought it was the trauma, it was the medication etc. But as I watched the other residents at the nursing home, yes, my mother has some serious underlying emotional problem which needs clearing. But frankly by now I accept her just as it is. Many things I tried were futile.
Strangely in all of this, I also know now why I chose my ex. I remember, my daughter at 3 years old suddenly told my ex; "Papa, you go to bench!" She had just started Montessori pre-school. So, she is the new generation in the family, who may be able to cut this chain of authoritarian rule - or she may re-invent it: we call Elliocracy. ;)
I now see it clearly, but am stuck. I am the caregiver and I can barely do anything else much less leave the house for a few minutes without causing anxiety attacks for her. Like an obsession she has, she sometimes calls every few minutes - just because. At the nursing home they told her not to play with the button... Since last May, I can count the nights that I really slept a full night. It is as if I had another newborn to tend to. It has been three months since she's been home, at some point this will become unsustainable unless there is an effort on the patient's part. She was taught and has an unhealthy interpretation of what love is, but many of us may one day realize they, too, like me, were wrong.
One last Saturn teaching...as I exploded yesterday in frustration of putting my project and life on hold, when this entire family unit depends on it's success, and my birthday around the corner - not getting any younger:
Jupiter Square Saturn: Hand: This aspect often signifies that you are mentally restless and find it difficult to accept the world as it is. Very often you may feel that circumstances or persons limit you unnecessarily, and you work very hard to get around any limitations imposed by others.
Peltier: The square from Jupiter to Saturn indicates problems in self-awareness. The fact is, you are trying to avoid your responsibilities to yourself and to those persons who depend on you. You have little hope for success, but this is just lazy self-indulgence and is inexcusable.
You may have to learn the hard way that accomplishment comes from a lot of hardship and self-denial. There is no easy road to victory for you. Give yourself the opportunity to reach your goals.
Faith is your greatest ally when nothing else seems to work for you. It can sustain you through your most difficult periods and comfort you when you reach your goals with assurance that you have done your job well.
and so it is: I trust Universe (these days) even when I have my occasional Rumpel moment.
Heed the cosmic roadsigns.
and Good Zzzzzzzzzzzzz - manifest: lifting mom out and into bed once not three times tonight - pretty please.
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