I can't relate to my family anymore and its getting more and more clear.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

I wish sometimes that my life would speed up and get the point where I could have a family of my own.I am talking about having a husband and kids.I have a family but I feel so distant from them and it is'nt from my doing.I just can't relate to them anymore.I probably posted about this on the DU before but I think feel left out and I should'nt feel this way at 27 years old.

I know that sometimes relatives need a break from each other.Trust me my life is not build around my family but I feel left out.My mom cooks on Sundays and invites my aunt and her two kids (one is 15 and the other one is 20 with a 1 year old). I always hear about them during the week when they go "oh yeah you did cook such and such last Sunday or last Tuesday".There never has been a point where anyone of them has called to invite me.I am not a bad person but I feel so shunned that no one ever includes me.I never get a phone call to ask how I am doing unless they need to use my car or borrow money - if I say no they pull the guilt trip.But when they don't need anything,its "who the hell are you?" and I don't care anymore.

I think a lot of it has to do with the guy in my life.I am black and he is Mexican-American but my mom can't see pass this.She thinks I should have just sucked it up and stayed with my other bf even though he threatened to kill me and he beat up badly man times.My current guy calls me everyday,and gives me a lot of encouragement anytime I am down and is so supportive. ut my mom can't see past the fact that he is Mexican American.Its to the point that I think she would disown me if I marry him and that sucks.But that's life. I am happy but I wish she was'nt so cynical all the time.

Everything is always white vs black.She has been through a lot to make her feel this way but I think I am just going to give my family some space.Even though it hurts but I will live...

End of vent.

[I Have A Dream]

1. I'm sorry that you're hurting. Sometimes we just have to let...

our families go if they won't allow us to be our true selves. Richard Bach in Illusions said "Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself." Congratulations on not allowing your mother to take that away from you. My guess is that her shunning you is her way of trying to break your spirit so that you'll allow her to control your life; many religions use this method to control their members. Be conscious of it and don't fall for it.

Also, congratulations on finding a great person with whom you are sharing your life. Hopefully it gets to the point where it moves to the "husband and kids" phase, but, until then, just enjoy the way that he cherishes you and be proud that you're being true to yourself. :thumbsup:

Finally, I hope that you have a support system around you that can take the place of your family. If you don't, I wish this for you.

:hug::hug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

2. I am going through a lot of changes at the same time.

I thought my Saturn Return was done with but its back.

I think my mom doesn't want me to hurt the way she did in her marriage but this is making her cynical and its making me fearful that I won't have a good marriage.We are two opposite people.

She has even told me not to have a child with him because "he might take it to Venezuela" and stuff like "they are crazy,they drink all day,all they do is drink".Ummm no every culture drinks alcohol and there are crazy people in every shape and size.So basically his ethnicity is an excuse for her to be cynical about me every finding someone that I am happy with.

But a month ago I had dream about a baby that I was told was mine in the dream.And I got a message that she and my guy would support me so who knows what the universe is doing right now ... there are things we can not control.

[stellanoir]

3. I'm sorry you're feeling so unsupported, disconnected, and judged.

If it's any consolation, I've heard, observed, and experienced that virtually every extended family has one member who feels similarly to the way in which you are feeling. They are the first to be called for support in a crisis yet when they are in need, they are often largely shunned or ignored.

Spiritualists often describe these individuals as "the family shaman" in that they are generally super sensitive, highly intuitive, and often misunderstood.

The shaman metaphor is one of absorbing the family imbalances, transforming them, and often being blamed by them for doing them the favor.

The bottom line is that you can support and nourish your family but they haven't a clue how to support and nourish you. I'm glad you are deriving love and support from your current bf. There is ***no*** way you should have sucked it up and stayed with the abusive bozo bf IMHO. I'm an optimist but I've rarely seen an abuser reform unless they have a spiritual breakthrough or immerse themselves in some of the more enlightened and zen-like martial arts through which they master their urges to varying degrees.

The other challenge for the family shaman is to demonstrate a transcendence of pettiness, judgement, shallowness, and in the case of your mum intractable dualism. That means that you've got to develop a thicker skin, seek your support from elsewhere, and take the high road. I know, I know that it's easier typed than done. An old adage is that you can't change a person, you can only change the way you respond to them. Humorous responses are always great deflectors, though I know, it's tough to access in the moment of being offended. Stiffen your spine dear and lighten up when you can.

It blows my mind that racism is still so insidiously pervasive when we've got an absolutely stellar bi racial candidate with a darned good chance of becoming the next leader of the (allegedly) free world. Yikes.

According to astrology there are generic transits and progressions (ie influences that occur to all of us at the same ages) and then there are transits and progressions that are more unique to the chart of an individual and can happen any time in life.

There are three big generic transits and progressions which occur at 27, 28, & 29. The first is the nodal return which one has a possibility of centering, affirming and clarifying one's life path and direction in life.

Then there is the Progressed Lunar return which is all about redefining how you want to be nourished for the next 27-28 years. Essentially it's sort of like becoming your own mother. That doesn't mean one behaves like their mum but rather one becomes more self reliant, less reactive to their mother complex, and redefines what is healthy for them and what is not. It is a heightened fertility cycle though so be mindful of that.

The third generic influence is the Saturn return at 28-29. This can release one from aspects of family karma and release large aspects of the father complex. It's also an opportunity to define what it is you want to commit yourself to until your late 50's. If one is good at taking responsibility for themselves, it can bring opportunities for accomplishment and manifestation. If one is not, then issues with authority figures can ensue. Oh joy.

As for the possibility of being "disowned," on one level it sounds as though that's already happened. You own yourself and you no longer have to allow them to dump on you.

I would give them some space right now and consider creating some new space for yourself. Explore nature and let Gaia nurture you. It'll help I swear.

:grouphug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

4. Thats for your response.

It was very insightful.

Nature has its own way of doing things.I am indeed highly intuitive.Whenever I am out and about I have left stores because something did'nt feel right about being there at that moment.

And this too shall pass...

[stellanoir]

5. I don't doubt for a nanosecond that you are a high intuitive.

You are very welcome and it was my absolute pleasure.

I have a dear friend who sent me an e-mail over the past several weeks that said that the one phrase that applies to all situations is "this too shall pass."

Chin up hon.

I'm glad you felt comfortable seeking support here. We're a mostly friendly lot.

[Bluestar]

6. My husband and I are both family shamans

Stella, thank you for such a beautiful, thoughtful response to this request for help. I learned a lot from it too.

Take it from someone who has lived it, the best way to deal with family members (or so-called friends) who treat you this way is to turn the tables and ignore them. It will drive them crazy and bring lots of "invitations" your way. Be careful, however, because once they have you back responding to their invitations they will treat you badly once again. The important thing is to know it, recognize it and start to deal with it emotionally.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

8. I meant to say "thanks for your response" lol

Mind you I was typing while at work lol.

[stellanoir]

10. not to worry

Typos "R" us.

:hi:

wish I could type a backwards "R"

lol

[roguevalley]

19. my parents, my rocks, passed within ten months of each other. I

had a reading from George Anderson and during it he mentioned my brother, whom I have great difficulties with and have most of my adult life. George said my mom and dad told me that I had tried as hard as I could and felt awful every time and so they said, 'let it lie', you did
the best you could.

I would say, let it lie, honey. You have done the best you can. Let it lie and perhaps it will come back to you when they are ready to value you for who you are and what you want to do. Don't let them treat you like you still need their permission to be happy. You have a life that you are choosing and its full of people and things you need. Don't let them take that down. Let it lie and perhaps it will come back to you. Build your life and live it. Hold you head up. You are a good person and they are the ones who are missing out.

Bless you, you and your BF. Take care.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

20. Thank you :)

:hug:

[Grateful for Hope]

11. What an amazing response, Stella

I think you have hit the nail on the provervial head. I am in awe.

I am that "family shaman" for both my family of origin and the family I inherited through marriage. That "often misunderstood" really, really describes my subjective experience throughout my life.

It's funny, but, the very same qualities that have often gotten me into trouble with my family(s), are the qualities that seem to make co-workers appreciate me. It's as if, so long as the level of intimacy remains at a "safe" level, others not only tolerate, but often welcome, these qualities.

In respect to racism, I think that the issue in this case is more of an issue of "ethnocentricity" in the sense that families often want to ensure that their offspring marry their "own", whether they be Jewish, Hispanic, Irish, English, etc.

Small examples of this: My daughter Kim is married to a wonderful man (Jamie) of Puerto Rican descent. His family is 100% Hispanic. Kim, on the other hand, is of Irish/Welsh descent. Kim and Jamie have two beautiful little boys.

Kim's mother-in-law often makes comments about her "white" grandsons, and, seems to prefer Jamie's oldest son from a previous marriage who is, like Jamie, 100% Hispanic.

My oldest daughter is married to an Italian. Her father-in-law constantly makes reference to the "Italian looks" of her three children, and, was very disappointed that the last baby (Isabelle), was not named "Isabella". In reality, my daughter's children are a mixture of both parents.

Hope this makes sense, Stella.

[WhiteTara]

7. you will feel so much better without being

poisoned by their actions. There is definitely a greiving period, but boy, it sure feels good not to feel bad and used and resentful!
:hug:

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

9. I'm sorry you're hurting

Has your mother met your boyfriend? Maybe if she got to know him she'd come around.

I am white and grew up in El Dorado, Kansas (home of Obama's grandparents for a while). It is a small, gossipy, very "white bread" town. My sister remembers a discussion about what would happen if I ever married a black man. Mom and Dad seemed to think that would be the end of the world. My sister asked them if it would be better if I were with a white guy who beat the crap out of me, and they said YES! Unbelievable. But my sister's late husband was Chinese, and they loved him after they got to know him. My husband is Pakistani, and I wish my parents could have met him, but they died many years ago. My mom was a liberal Democrat, but of another generation entirely and grew up around only white people - living in these small towns doesn't exactly give you an open mind. Somehow Bullwinkle and I escaped this curse.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I hope you feel better.

:hug:

[rumpel]

12. Lots of great input you have already, CarolinaPeridot

:)

You know, to me the issue of ethnicity etc. is an old energy which is among those things finally on the way out. If it is of any help, my mother married a Japanese after WWII and moved to Japan from Austria. Both of them had a child from a previous marriage. Anyway, Japan was very unwelcoming of foreigners at the time, way through until the maybe late 60's or early seventies. While my father was the oldest of 11 children, because of the fact that my mother was a foreigner, he shielded us in a sense, from scrutiny over cultural differences by his family. Contact was very limited, so to this day I only really know less than a handful of them. Of course they called my mother when her mother-in-law was in the hospital towards the end of her life, to sit by the bedside, listening to her scream; "I will curse this family", and other such nonsense. Naturally, there was obviously a lot of pain for my mother, but my family did just fine, without them.

The other side of the family was physically way too far to mingle. But even over the distance and rare communication I feel much closer to them.

And guess what, I survived, and I have always appreciated that I was given the opportunity to see it all from a distance. So, I presume, your children will also have an opportunity to see the old and new from a distance.

I admire your courage of stopping the "old energy" in your family to continue on through you, and I wish you and your boyfriend many many happy years together.

:grouphug:

[Why Syzygy]

13. This could be a very good thing ...

All I can do is share my experience. You may be more fortunate than I was. I was 40 before I got to the state of realization you are getting. It was as if someone turned on a light.

I wanted so desperately to "Make Them Happy". I got off a phone call one day and realized, there is no way, NOTHING I can do, to make that happen. Sounds obvious, but I didn't see the full picture until that day. I suspect that even if you had stayed with the abusive bf (really bad idea - though I was encouraged to do the same), there would be something else. Then more hoops. If you have to modify your behavior to gain someone's approval, is it worth it? Who are they approving of? We aren't gaining approval for who we really are, which is what we really want.

The situation I'm in now reminds me so much of my childhood home. Absolutely dysfunctional. My musings this morning brought me back to your thread. I have ESCAPED that "lifestyle", but haven't fully transcended it. I'm not sure what that means to full extent. I'm guessing I am about to find out!

I like Stella's shaman example too. That is very true, and may be the underlying reason behind the constant demands to CHANGE who you are.

I saw your other thread, and am happy to hear you got past the pain. bfn

[saracat]

14. Wow Carolins Peridot, I just got off the phone with an abusive family member as well

and I realize that , while I have little family, nothing is going to change. And I am better off alone with my husband. We aren't bi racial but my family member is intolerant of everyone that isn't exactly like her. And I have always been a target. She spent an hour ranting about how my husband ought to divorce me, and alternated with talking about my lack of "confidence" only interrupting to insert how worthless I am . Ya know what? I don't need this anymore and neither do you. Enjoy your life and give them a whole lot of space. It is probably due to a jealousy on their part that you may have found the happiness they can never have.

There comes a time when one must place their own needs first and create their own happiness without reagrd for others opinions. You go girl and take care of yourself!

[Eurobabe]

15. Sorry that you are having family problems

Sometimes pulling away from toxic relatives is best for awhile. You gain peace (somewhat) and they notice that you are not there. When they come 'round and wonder why you are not there, perhaps you can use this as a starting point to voice how you feel. Often during that time away you gain new perspective of the family dynamics that have been causing you so much misery.

It's a real shame that your mom can't see that your new BF is adding something to your life. Shouldn't be tied to color/race anything, but I guess unfortunately often it is...I am a mom, and have two daughters, one is 24 and the other is 26. All I want for my daughters is that they find someone who treats them well and with respect. I would not care if either of them were dating someone from another race or ethnic group. It's how they are treated that counts, are they happy, stable, good together? Too bad you are so far away, I could adopt you in the meantime. :hug:

Hope things get better for you, I know how painful family upheavals are, I've had enough of them in my lifetime (with my own mother). Which might be the reason why I went through counseling in my 20s, so as to not pass that legacy onto my two small ones. :hug: :hug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

16. I am fine. I had a talk with her.

I told her that she has to accept it and accept him.I am happy and she should be happy for me.


And I also told her about how I felt about being left out from dinners too.That is going to change.

[Love Bug]

17. Good for you, Peridot!

I can't add much to the excellent advice you've already received. It sounds like you've taken the first steps to repairing your boundaries between you and your mother. If nothing else, you have stood up to her as an adult. Speaking as a mother of a 31 year old, sometimes we forget our children are adults who need to stand on their own two feet. Over the years I've had to bite my tongue a few times letting my daughter learn her own way. Hopefully it's not too late for your mother to learn that -- she'll sleep better at night if she does, and so will you!

One piece of advice I do have for you is to try to surround yourself with good, like-minded friends you can depend on. I've been single for many years and most of my blood family live far from me so I've had to create my own family with my friends. I would especially encourage you to include non-coupled friends because we tend to be forgotten once people find a partner.

Namaste.

[Eurobabe]

18. Good for you!

:toast: :toast:

[WhiteTara]

21. during my first period of separation

I hung mirrors all around my house. I realized that I had NO role models, either male or female. Each time I felt lonely, I would stand in front of a mirror and wrap my arms around me. Sometimes I would kiss my mirror.

We are born alone, we will die alone; it isn't so bad to be alone while we are alive.

You might even learn a surprise...that you like and love yourself enough to enjoy your own company.

[NuttyFluffers]

22. family is those who love you, not hurt you, in return.

you are not getting real love in return, ergo these people are willfully choosing not to be your family. you apparently are holding doubt about what your insides have already decided is the obvious truth. be open and honest about it and embrace this new and obvious truth. this "family" feels more comfortable when you are either in pain (abusive boyfriend) as long as you keep up appearances, there to borrow things from (and not reciprocate), or not there at all. you have been abandoned and they, the "family," do not care.

there is your answer, staring you in the face. can you accept the direct response from those who you thought loved you? and, in acceptance, are you willing to make the internal change?

invest energy and love into family. but always be sure what family is. family is those who love you, not hurt you, in return.

perhaps it is time for you to go seek your family...

[eilen]

23. Sometimes you have to cut destructive chords

Mom has a friend who's family (her mother, brother and even her kids) were either putting her down or just sucking her energy, her bank accounts and her good will. She worked very hard to succeed professionally but never received any kind of recognition, except for being accused of being "uppity" and of looking down on where she came from. She started traveling overseas and found such a peace in Italy. Eventually she decided to give everything up in the States and move to Rome. She quit her job and is now teaching (her original degree) and loving it. Monetarily things are difficult, but she does have savings. Her geographic distance is a big plus on the energy and money sucking-- the family can't afford the international calls and she does not have internet (the mechinations of achieving personal internet access in Rome are complex and ultimately frustrating for an American). She made a choice to live and enjoy her life and has distilled her "family" to true friends in Italy and from the US. Unbelieveably before she left, she received all kinds of misery from some so-called friends and family members.

Her story is so liberating, it is easy to see that there are alternatives and we only need to choose.

Do what makes you happy. If your family refuses to feed you, what are they telling you? I think they are using that as an attempt to control you. Consider why they feel the need to do this. Are they unhappy or are they concerned they will lose you? What has your role been? Have you been their savior? Do you think you want to remain in that same role?--how does it make you feel (needed or trapped?). I wish the best for you.