So I am posting it here in my little group of fellow DUrs. I have come to truly enjoy this little family. If you want anyoine else to read this from "out there" maybe just invite them by pm, cus this is quite personal. I cried twice while writing it. And I want to share it wth YOU :love:
Sorry it is long, but it was a stream of consciousness thread all morning coming together in one rush of passion. And that kind of inspiration to a writer is so very rare and beautiful. I knew it meant something:
9/15/08
My idea of Hope…
So here I am at my 900th post and I wanted it to be something personal. I couldn’t wait till 1000, because honestly, I’ve never stuck with anything long enough it seems.
I was pondering what to bring to the table and I kept seeing the overlap of politics and my own personal life story. I have only been a voter for 20 years, and this year makes the first time I have ever donated to a campaign, or ever volunteered to call or register people to vote, speak to folks in the grocery store, cheer fellow drivers with bumper stickers, etc.
When Bill Clinton spoke at the democratic national convention, I wept.
I was 22 years old, 8 ½ months pregnant, my “husband” (also 22…yes, WAY too young!)Had decided he couldn’t handle a family or taking care of a wife and bills, etc… and left. And I had just left the city and home that I grew up in to live in a cabin in the woods. As a single mom, I knew I would have to go back to school, and I knew that I needed to do it in a more relaxed place, someplace where being poor wouldn’t be so overwhelmingly obvious or hard to deal with. (Tahoe has been called by many “poverty with a view” due to the lack of living wages in the service and tourism market.)
Needless to say, having been a “middle class” girl with a car at 17 and a mall around every corner, I had some adjusting to do. I hadn’t even been a babysitter when in High School, so I REALLY had no idea about mothering! My first child was, thank god, very tolerant. He was my guinea Pig kid, and also very mellow and easy going. I often say that we “grew up” together, because I was such a kid when I had him. We took walks and discovered the world around us - through all the seasons. I majored in Natural Sciences, and still found time to be on student council and intern w/ public relations Executive for the Utility District. It may sound better on paper, though!
After completing a 2 yr degree in four years, I still had no idea what I was going to “do” I ended up writing for the local newspaper, starting as an editorial grunt, hungry for the story… I still have that “news hound” quality. My connections at the college after being on the student council, and being at the paper yielded the opportunity to be at the Presidential Summit at Lake Tahoe in 1998. With none other than Al Gore and Bill Clinton.
(What’s funny in retrospect is that bill was the “star” but Al was the substance. It has played out through the years in watching him achieve his acclaim for the movie and the peace prize. )
I was a runner or the ABC News Washington Press Corps. The MSM, at its best. It was definitely an eye opener. They are the BIG boys, and We were just the small town rag they could steal material from if needed, spin the substance of our research, etc. I watched the live feed for half the day before I realized I had the same credentials as them, and I went into the actual room where the forum was happening, to listen. 300 people, that’s it. And I could feel the crackling of the energy in the room.
I understood that was what a true leader HAS to have – Charisma.
At the end of the last round table discussion, everybody got up to go, and a small group clamored in front for a chance to shake hands… I thought “Well I am small, and can just wiggle right through…” then I got scared and almost left, but turned around, climbed on a chair and stuck my hand out. Bill grabbed my hand and I said
“Mr. President, I saw you speak at the DNC and was a single mother on welfare…now I am here, “ and I showed him my press pass!
He took my hand in his, looked right at me, and said “I’m proud of you”
I still get teared up when I relive it.
The remaining two years, I left the paper and struggled with the thing my high school guidance counselor said when I said I wanted to be a writer: “Get a REAL job”
Unfortunately, that became working for a temp company, barely squeaking by, and getting more & more frustrated at what the next step of my life was going to be. Funny – 2000 was the last year before my own life turned round a darker corner…
I met my next husband in 2001, through a mutual friend, and got swept off my feet. Here was the missing piece! Someone who would not only help me raise my son, who needed a “man” around. But someone who wanted more kids – I was pregnant by May and watched Sept 11th happen while making breakfast for my new husband to go to work. What was I bringing a child into?
And our president began to show us a different side. We all had joked about his personality flaws and his seeming to “inherit” the White House – But after 9/11, he got kind of creepy, and his need for control really showed.
Mirrored in my marriage, the little red flags became apparent. Mental control, Manipulation, abuse, financial dominance, sexual dominance…you name it. I was pregnant again when my daughter was only 8 mos old, because I couldn’t run away if I was pregnant. ..Then he could call me names better and I was helpless to get out.
2004 – three years later, I ran. I tried to
The mirror of my personal journey and the government to me is this: It IS about ME & YOU & YOU& ALL of us. This is a reflection of our inner battle between shadows and light. I choose to live a life of peace and joy and abundance and freedom. I see that the only way to find this way is if we live in a country that is championing our ability to shine.
The time of being the abused child of our government is over. We know better. WE CAN HEAL that which divides us. WE CAN rebuild something better for the sake of our children and children’s children.
The night before I left my ex… I had locked myself and the babies in the bedroom to keep him away from us. And my daughter and I were curled up facing each other. She was only 2, and she handed me a corner of her blanket to hold, just like I used to hold my blankie for comfort when my folks would fight. And that moment I knew _ it was a generational wound that I was called to heal by leaving that life and choosing to BE someone BETTER for the sake if my family and myself.
I know we are about to do this as a nation, because I see that pattern coming RIGHT NOW in my own life. I am ready to stand up and work for the good of US ALL I am ready to make some hard choices and face my own shit so that we can live better as a community.
Obama gets it. I think I get it too. It is more than just Hope. It’s Empowerment.
Thanks for listening…
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