A little help in GD..?

[FirstLight]

I know, I shouldn't get baited, but I have a sore spot for people who feel sorry for the dads, when the SINGLE MOM is the real one who deserves the kudos. and I spat out some of my anger and was told I have issues and can't raise my kids right. ugh!

anyone want to help defend me?
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5011765

thanks! please help send me some grounding and light so I can let go of the anger too. I don't want to hold on to that stuff, it is just a huge injustice in my eyes.. not just to me but the whole mentality of how women and children are treated in these situations...

[I Have A Dream]

1. Unbelievable.

:eyes:

:hug:

[Flying Dream Blues]

2. That is really upsetting.

Try not to let one person who clearly has an agenda make you feel badly, FirstLight, though I know it's hard because it upset me just reading that stuff she/he wrote. The overwhelming majority seemed to agree that P2PLinK was off-base in her judgmental attitude. I jumped in a little but as usual feel that I can't quite get my thoughts together as well as I'd like.
:hug:

[Silver Gaia]

3. I only just now saw this. I am so sorry you were treated so badly

by some in that thread, FirstLight. :( :hug: I thank you for speaking out, though. Your voice was important and rang with truth.

I'm sorry I didn't see this post earlier. It looks to me like IHAD and FDB did a great job of defending you, though.

It looks like the thread has pretty much died down now, and I don't want to bump it back up, so I'll just say this here:

I used to work with emotionally disturbed children, some of whose parents (one or the other) were in jail. In no way, IMO, are prison visitations involving children appropriate. Children should never be brought be anywhere near prisons! (I'm sorry you were forced to endure that situation as a child, IHAD.) The MOST important part of this equation are the children. ALWAYS. Their well-being comes before that of either parent.

And FirstLight, you did the right thing in your situation. Absolutely! Anyone who would think otherwise is blind, IMO. Just because someone is a parent biologically doesn't mean that they should be, and a child with two parents, one of whom is abusive, is NOT better off than a child with a single parent. In your case, I would have done exactly the same thing. My daughter's father was emotionally abusive both to myself and my daughter. I feel no regrets for having left that relationship. None.

I also would disagree with the OP on that thread that it is better to keep the family intact and try to work out major problems such as these within the family. No. In most cases, it is much better to put distance between the children and the parent with the problems. If that person can find the way to healing, with or without the help of their former partner, and they can work things out between them, then it might be possible for that person to re-enter the family--depending entirely, of course, on the circumstances. (I speak here of problems like addiction, alcoholism, or something similar--NOT abuse of ANY kind.) Even then, each situation is unique, and there is no one way that is correct or best. It's case by case, family by family, person by person. What's right for one is not necessarily what's right for another.

Anyhow, I'm sorry there was so much vitriol being slung about in that thread. I felt slimed just reading some of it. :( Bless you all for doing battle. Here's some more hugs for you all. :grouphug: You fought well. :)

[Cleita]

4. I see some of the usual suspects are on your thread.

I have had run ins with some of the same posters giving you a hard time. I believe they just like to stir up flame fests. It doesn't matter what the subject is about, they see an opportunity to bait you and make you angry. This is the best time to put them on ignore. Next time you go to your ignore list you will be pleasantly surprised to find most of them have been tombstoned in the interim.

[FirstLight]

5. Thanks you guys

I have been taking a little break from the keyboard to put the kidlings to bed and just gell in front of the TV...

This was my first stop, but I will go over there and checlk it out. Thanks for the love...I always know where the spirit & truth are in people, that's why i hang out here...but occasionally I HAVE to speak up and tell it like it is when people are judging something they have never lived through!

:grouphug:

[elleng]

6. Bad time to ask me to defend dads,

cause my husband (separated) is causing misery for our daughters and me. (My dad, 95, is GREAT!)

[FirstLight]

7. Here's my final argument, pt 2

Look, you are in no place to judge me
JUST because I believe that the idea of coddling criminals is wrong? geez!

FWIW - When I met #2, it was 9-10 years after the first big implosion. (see below for heartbreak details, lots of fun)
The relationship had a few "red flags" in retrospect, but I learned in group at the women's center that the psychology of an abuser is SOOOOO insidious, it LOOKS for the perfect profile for a victim.
I had been abandoned before, he knew that was my weakness, and thought that I would never get to the point of actually LEAVING... Lucky for us I grew some spine!
He had even said to me once that he was able to prefectly match his personality to fit with people he wanted something from, to get what he wanted. Later I realized our relationship was the same way. A game, a manipulation to play dominance & control.

I never really saw it coming in the begining, it was the completion to a dream of a family. and it turned into a nightmare.

So don't EVEN try to judge me, you haven't walked a mile in MY moccasins, babe.

AND MY Children will NEVER know that MONSTER
and forgiveness for him can be left to God, because I will never do it.


----------
I think I am a little bitter, but that is something I work on every day to wash out of my aura. The little shadows that make me feel bad and sorry from time to time...
I know we have talked before of forgiveness. and I know I am "working on it"

but boy, it is still a raw nerve because I get so pissed at the position WE are in because HE couldn't be MAN enough to get help and wake up and ...and... just fucking GROW with me! I am mad about that! I am mad that my spirit sufered so much! I am mad that my kids are still suffering woth a mommy that feels unstable most of the time! I am mad that it didn't work...but mostly I am mad that I am stil alone, too... still wondering if my spirit can EVER feel trust or peace with another again...
agh!
thanks for letting me vent
:rant: :angry: :cry: