My Hunny and I are very different, and I'm not sure we can last

[BlancheSplanchnik]

Hi everyone...

geez, this feels a little funny, and I know you don't "know" me all that well here, but I don't know many other fellow esoteric thinkers, and where we live is very isolated, out in the boondocks. There is another online group I post at, and they "know" me, but sometimes I feel pressure there to be positive in ways I may not really feel.... as if I've posted enough when I was struggling with negative thinking and fears. I might even fall into focusing on the scary aspects of this whole thing if I go there right now.

So, back on topic...

We talked a little this morning... no sudden decisions or actions right now, so that's wise.

Well, so some background: we've been together about a year and a half, met online.
It just seems there are too many differences. For one, he is not interested in esoterics, or much intellectual curiosity at all, or much free-form discussion....

But my intent is not to list what's wrong with him...he is a wonderful person.

anyway, reading on some other threads here, I could relate to the comments that some want to explore and experience the light, and some want to stay in fear, anger, what have you. I bounce alot into fear, and old baggage, but I think I can honestly call myself one who wants to be in the Light, even though I don't do it perfectly, or even that maybe labeling myself that way divides me from those I think want to stay in fear and anger.... oh geez, I don't know... I can think myself into believing I'm pretty unevolved.

anyway..I had worked on clarity in what I wanted in a partner, and he and I met in very synchronistic ways. Even quite a few tarot card readings that were mind blowingly positive. *sigh*

He HAS been infinitely helpful and considerate to me, as I have to him I think, and he is a good good person with a good good heart, which I want to purposefully appreciate. But, as someone else said to me, almost a year ago (? wow that long ago?), he is just a stepping stone.... I am beginning to wonder about that. Even at the time they said that, I think a little part of me took note. (does anyone know what I mean, there?)

I hate to put him in such a trivial sounding box, but .... I am seeing more definitely that I meant it when I listed spiritual interests and growth. From seeing how for example, he copes with stress or has no interest in a drum group I joined, I can clarify or reiterate what I want more now -- fun, curiosity, shared interests, adventure, cultural exploration, intellectualism, health, job, etc.

Last night I was feeling very worried and upset... (on the surface here, it looks like if we split, I will need to move, because this place is too much for me to handle alone. That would be a very big job and I don't deal well with overwhelm-ment... Other scary things too, like my age....)

It did help to remind myself that I don't have to have the whole situation dealt with right now... I'll have to remind myself to take things in small steps. I just don't know how things are going to end up right now. I just know, I want to be happy, and I will keep my eyes open for what before me feels right, leads me on the path towards happy. (rather than staying too long with something that isn't feeling right)

Anyway, I was finding some very good peices from Kryon and Seth, and as I was trying to find a better feeling way out of spiraling downward, I thought of this affirmation:

"I send out goodness and I receive good." As I repeated that to myself, I saw and believed more sincerely that, yes, I DO send out good. Maybe not perfectly, but in general, that's true. SO, as you send, you receive, and affirming, reminding, encouraging myself that I receive good, I started to feel a little calmer about letting it in, inviting it in, even.

Well, I guess I went and.....ventilated...or something...I guess.:nopity:
I look forward to sharing the incremental steps upward.....

I'll go do some things now and check here later

[FirstLight]

1. The first thing that I am reminded of ...

was the time in my life when I made a "list" of things I not only wanted, but NEEDED in a soulmate. 121 things, to be exact....

a couple years later I realized that my husband was missing some really key qualities (compassion and esoteric beliefs being BIG ones)...I realized that while there were things on that list that were not really necessary...that I had failed to identify the "dealbreakers" and wondered how I was going to be married to someone who was really not meeting with me on a soul level - nor was he even willing to try.
(well, my situation deteriorated into awfulness, so I really had no problem leaving when it came time...but the realization came much earlier...)


Know that the Universe will hold you and carry you across the gap, no matter the details. Your soul's purpose is to be heeded, and if you "know" in your soul that you don't belong somewhere (job, relationship, family situation...etc) then you are obliged to listen. I just happen to think that because we have all been talking about the "split" of our realities...and the choice seems to be between vibrational levels and soul's evolution now.
Of course I can spew that wisdom all I want, but it is YOUR reality and struggle...so all I can REALLY do is :hug: you and hold positive space for you to find your correct path for the highest good of all.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

24. Thank you, FirstLight

beautiful screen name.

Yes, I've done what was right for me before, and even though it was scary, things fell into place at the right time....

and me too, I've been reading about vibrational levels, evolution and all that too... and wanting very much to be conscious of what direction I'm choosing for myself.

thank you so much for the good vibes :hug:

[MagickMuffin]

2. I can understand your situation

I think that even though you and your mate are not both inclined in the same interests that you should continue to develop at your own pace whether he is a part of the journey. Perhaps you need to adjust to how you move froward and take things as you go. If you are doing some of things without him then you are taking control of your development and spiritual growth and giving yourself the power to overcome his inadequacies of doing this alone. Every person has their own path to follow and we can't except others to join in the journey if their hearts and minds are not in it.

I have been learning to do things without my mate always coming along. It has been a difficult decision to do things on my own, but if he didn't want to go along then why should I force him to do it.

Prime example was the Presidential Primaries leading up to the General Election. I had to force myself to the commitment I made to myself to do everything within my power to help elect Barack Obama President. I became a Precinct Delegate, a Senate District Delegate, and finally a State Delegate and even became a Precinct Chair not something I wanted to do at all, but my Precinct didn't have a chair so I made the decision to fill the vacancy. I had to go to meetings where I went alone. This was not an easy task for me because I prefer to stay at home and not venture out in the world. I'm a rather spy person and I had to overcome this obstacle, again not an easy task, but this election was so important that I did what I had to do. I met really nice people and actually enjoyed being with them. Sometimes hubby would come with me, but other times I went alone and learned to be a little more independent in the long run.

If you can manage to continue what you have been doing then maybe sometime in the near future things will change for you to where it either isn't important that he join you, or you will find more people better suited to your needs.

Hang in there:hug:

Namaste

:loveya:

[BlancheSplanchnik]

17. I wasn't quite clear enough in my first post

sorry, I should have been more clear... I explained the problem better in my second post, the Thanks Everyone one.

I didn't realize I'd left the real issue in my head and not on the page, until I saw the responses that showed I'd made it look like it's merely about having a hard time finding mutual interests.

Thank you for the good vibes :hug:

[mysticalchick]

3. You are SO not alone in this boat ...

... I am struggling with the same thing now myself. Been married almost 9 years, love my husband with all my heart but there are some really core needs that are not being met. As I grow and change, I'm trying to discern the best course of action. It's hard. Like you guys, I want someone to at least be willing to share that path with me in a more full kind of way. My husband anchors that space for me but has no interest of his own, no curiosity around really anything. He is who he is and is content that way. Who am I to say that he's not traveling his own path? I just know that I want something more but not yet sure what that is or how that will play out. I keep hearing the word "surrender" today and I think I have to just turn this one over for a bit to see what comes of it.

Bottom line, though, I feel ya. And as I know this forum to be, it's a very safe place to talk that kind of stuff out.

(Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.)

Peace to you.

[LaurenG]

4. Something I read years ago and I can't remember who said it...

Shakti Gawain or Marsha Sinetar maybe (I wish I could remember so I can credit the right person) but it was along the lines of, people will either change when you change or they will leave your life. I have found this true - both ways.

All good vibes and much love to you as you sort this through. :hug:

[BlancheSplanchnik]

14. definitely!

I've been continuing to focus on doing the things I enjoy, continuing to pursue the path that feels right for me, continuing to look for what makes me feel good.

I'd hoped he would be positively influenced, but.....
I knew that if I continued to focus on my own happiness, there was a chance he would not want to "come along".

(I was more clear about the problem in my second post, too...it's more serious than just not enough mutual interests)

[BlancheSplanchnik]

5. Thank you so much....I knew people would speak my language here

I think I was a little too obscure about the things that aren't working...when I say we are very different, ...He is a heavy drinker and a couple nights ago, his rage came out again. The first time it happened I told him that was it--he changes or goes. At that time, after some weeks away (there's no work for him here--he stays with family to work for his brother the xtian fundamentalist every few weeks), he said he wasn't going to change who he was. IOW, no interest in quitting drinking.

The other night was the second time. He did a rage attack again and a switch inside me just turned off.


He can continue to smoke heavily and drink every night if he wants, but that's not what I want for my future (he coughs horribly all the time, it scares the hell out of me. I don't want to be stuck with an emphysema patient).

I'm not interested anymore in thinking magical thoughts that it might go away. He has no interest in any kind of spiritual thought, healing, quitting smoking or drinking even. He wants to deal the same way he's always dealt; that "worked" back when he was a super tough working guy in the Marines, in Vietnam, and after that, on the oil rigs, but not anymore. I don't like seeing him treat himself so unhealthily (he works obsessively around here, building and fixing, cutting trees, keeping the furnace loaded), and the sudden irrational rage attacks disgust me. Sad to have to say that, but it's when we don't really believe what we're saying we don't like, that we go off the deep end ("oh, I hate that behavior, but but but...maybe it's ok". etc.)

So, the issue is more than just being on different spiritual paths.
He's very special, a very remarkable guy, and yet he has a problem that I don't want to be around anymore. :( :cry: The good thing is, I didn't take too long to take it seriously.

[Delphinus]

7. Blanche,

the rage scares me. :scared:

I am not married - never been married - not currently in a relationship - so I don't know whether my gut instinct is the best thing for you to hear but I am scared by his rage. I would not want to be around that, no matter how special he is.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

9. I know.

That's why it's done.

[rosesaylavee]

10. Drinking every night is not a good thing.

Of course no one can say he's an alcoholic but him... that said, this sure sounds like a classic alcoholic/enabler thing that you would best get away from. Attend an alanon meeting. That should give you some idea of what you are up against. Whether you love and do want to stay or if you choose to leave, you have been involved in this and will need some tools that Alanon will be able to help you achieve.

One thing I know - drinking every day without acknowledging a problem leads to all sorts of problems and rage is only part of it. Follow your instincts on this one. I think you have good ones.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

12. thanks rosay...I think he is.

And I want no part of that.

I went to 12 step groups for many many years. They are wonderful. I suggested that to him but he's not interested.

There is no Al Anon out here. Only a few AA meetings, which I don't mind; it's not my addiction, but the spiritual growth and everything is there. But I think they may be closed meetings.

Still.... I just realized I could look online for any Al Anons reasonably nearby (out here, 40 minutes is "near"). It's just too isolated out here and I'm a hermit by nature. I need to push myself to be with people.

[I Have A Dream]

16. Please do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

It's important that you not only are safe but that you also feel safe. Nothing may ever come of the rage attacks, but there aren't many things in life worse than living in fear.

I hope that you're able to sort out what your next step (in anything) should be. I'm asking that the Universe help you to see the correct path clearly. :hug:

[BlancheSplanchnik]

25. I am...

I feel physically safe. But I don't want to be subjected to the verbal abuse.

I know what direction I want to head in, and that he doesn't hold the one and only key... so I know my Higher Self knows, and that the Universe cooperates in that.

still, things come together at the right time.... so it's scary when you're looking at the scary unknown.

thank you for your good vibes :hug:

[Mojorabbit]

19. Could the rage

be something unresolved from being in a war situation long ago? If this could be worked on and is the main area of conflict, perhaps being dealt with subconsciously in a negative manner? If there is love there, it might be an option to do counseling.

My hubby of 27ys and I have little in common but it still works. We have major different likes and dislikes and we do things we like with our friends and do things we both enjoy together. It brings a freshness to the relationship. What I want in a relationship has evolved as I have aged. I once agonized over wanting him to share my path. He is just not a spiritual person. He does join me in a few rituals during the turning of the wheel. I am content with that now.

I like that we are moving along in our lives together but that we are also heading down our own separate paths as best to fulfill what our soul needs to experience in this go round.

The rage part bothers me. Your instincts are telling you something. Listen carefully to get the clearest picture of what they are telling you. All my best to you.

[WhiteTara]

20. no one ever changes - we only become

more of who we are. IMHO. My gut instinct is to get out NOW. Rage scares me and fundie ragers scare me even more.

The universe will support you. You may not have all the "comforts" you do now, but you will have your life, your sanity and dignity.

Namaste and may the Goddess hold you tightly in her hands.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

22. The universe will support you.

yes, radical trust--doing what is right for you, the Universe brings things together at the right time....

He himself is not a fundie (ugh!), but he's defensive of his brother, who has helped him. His parents are politely tolerant of the brother's "stuff", but I just can't tacitly approve of it, especially since I see the bible waving as ego and self-righteousness. I don't have any siblings and my family's gone, so I kind of don't understand the loyalty to someone who offends me.

Rage scares me too; I grew up with it. I don't want that now.

Becoming more of who we are...I'd add that I think we can direct which way we want the more of ourselves to go.... I can choose to live in negative energies or to distance myself from them and look for people and situations that feel good, as can he. (I had to learn what felt good, and what doesnt', as many of us do, if we grew up with abuse.)

[NJCher]

29. now that is an interesting thought

"no one ever changes-we only become more of who we are."

I'll be mulling that one over for a few days.


Cher

[Cleita]

6. From another POV, would it be so hard for you to do the drum circle and

other activities he's not interested in on your own? With my late husband, I was the one interested in politics. I went to the meetings, the protests and the candlelight vigils on my own because he didn't share that interest. He on the other hand had to watch Monday Night Football and other sports venues on his own and go to the Dodger games with a friend because I didn't want to do those things. Otherwise we could find common ground on the things we were compatible with and mutually interested in like camping and hiking. We were together for thirty-three years until he died.

If you can find enough compatibility to keep you together it's worth a shot, IMHO.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

11. he has rage attacks

when he's trashed. The second one happened the other night, and it's enough for me.

I was trying to be .... I don't know, keep it watered down for online consumption here.
But I made the situation more clear in my second post.


It's more than just his having no interest in sharing activities I enjoy. I don't have a problem with doing things alone (I've done it many times in my life, I'm used to it.)

Cleita--- I don't know how long your husband's been gone... :hug:

[Cleita]

27. If it's rage, I don't know how to help you other than

to tell you to run.

[crikkett]

8. The most important question you should ask yourself --

Is he on your side? and are you on his?

If so, you can have different (complementary?) interests and you can learn to give yourselves and each other the space to explore them. My musician husband can't stand the drum group I joined, but he encouraged me to go and taught me things my instructor wasn't, and helped me become a better drummer.

Likewise, I give him all the space, time, and equipment he needs on his creative projects (with the one exception of becoming jealous of them over Valentine's but that's a different story! Gr.)

Spring's on its way and people everywhere are getting antsy. But you know, you really do know, deep down inside whether your partner's really worth the effort to keep and whether it's time to go.

Good luck to you both :hug:

[BlancheSplanchnik]

13. welllll

I think he's on the side of his drinking.... :(

I should have been clear about the whole thing in my first post. It's about more than just not having mutual interests. I explained more of the problem in my second post.

anyway, learning that I want to move in the direction of my happiness, learning to understand that my feelings tell me when I'm headed in the right direction (duh! sounds so simple) and lots of other work on myself in the past, got me aware pretty quick. I'm not hanging around for another rage attack.

[crikkett]

15. Well! Then go. Now.

Do not pass go, do not leave a forwarding address.

Take care of yourself. I'm sure someone out there is just waiting for you. Sorry I didn't read all responses before replying.

:hug:
And I still wish him the best of luck :hug:

[BlancheSplanchnik]

18. LOL :)

It's not quite that easy...

It's my house, he moved in with me.

And he has no money, used it all to move up here (he's a casualty of the Fla. construction business collapse a couple years ago)

anyway, he's been obsessive about not costing me any money, but what little he's been able to make, he hasn't saved for himself. He's going to have to go little by little... we're not sure how we're going to do it.

[NJCher]

30. one hobby you don't share

I should have been clear about the whole thing in my first post. It's about more than just not having mutual interests. I explained more of the problem in my second post.

You don't share his interest in drinking oneself into a rage.


Cher

[BlancheSplanchnik]

34. very very true

I'm no prude, but regular drinking is something I don't "get". I've never liked being around drunks.

[amitten]

21. Well, some people have esoteric values that they don't want

to share in public.

For instance, I consider myself a very spiritual person and I believe in psychic ability, the afterlife, alternative healing, etc. But you could not pay me enough to join a drum group or anything of that sort.

I am a private person in many ways, and my spirituality and connections with the beyond are personal to me. It doesn't mean I don't have them. But they are not something I feel I need to share with others, including a partner. It's private to me. Maybe your SO feels the same way...?

[BlancheSplanchnik]

23. there's more involved, I wasn't clear enough in my first post.

Sorry, I didn't realize I left the biggest part of it in my head until I saw the replies.

[MagickMuffin]

26. After reading the whole thread, my reaction would be for him to go live with his brother

since he has been staying with him for work relations.

He needs to go. It only takes one time before he decides to strike you in anger or a fit of rage. I speak from experience here. I was living with a guy and he had a drinking problem, and work for a liquor distribution company :eyes: I tried to have conversations with him about his drinking. He didn't want to hear any of it. He would go on out of town trips leaving me home alone. He was a sweet guy when he hadn't been drinking, but sometimes that isn't enough when they choose to drink everyday glass after glass of hard liquor and occasionally beer.
One day he struck me and cracked my collar bone. That was enough for me and I called my family when he was away and they helped me move out.

I worry about anyone who can turn into a fit of rage when they have been drinking. If they are drunk enough they can turn that rage into something else all together and may not even realize that they have become violent and hurt someone. I certainly don't want to see you in that situation.

Where does his money go since you mentioned he hasn't been saving it?.?.?

Is he spending it all on booze?.?.?

If so then he may never have the funds to move out. But since you have had the conversation of him moving out then he should just go ahead and move in with his brother until he can straighten his life out. Otherwise I fear he will only continue to delay moving out from your house.

Best of Luck to you and I will send you good vibes to help you with the task at hand.

:loveya:

[BlancheSplanchnik]

28. hey Muffin....

Thanks, it was good to read your story!

hey mind if I PM you? I've already gone on enough here......

good vibes very much accepted

[MagickMuffin]

32. You can PM me anytime you like

:hug:

[MorningGlow]

31. Hi Blanche

Sorry I didn't respond sooner. I agree with most of the previous posters, though. Listen to your heart, listen to your instinct. (Well...same thing.) You already know your answer, I think.

As for the serendipitous signs as you and he got together, remember that you did get together for a reason, but not all relationships are supposed to last forever. If you and he have gone as far as you can go in this lifetime, then it's all right for you to part.

On a positive note (regarding his disinterest in what you like), I'll share this story about my former high priestess and her husband: She was a natural-born witch and always practiced the craft in one way or another. Marrying her husband was intended and correct, yet he was always very conservative and "normal" (ha)--just your average person. One day he was sitting at the kitchen table and suddenly, out of nowhere, burst into tears. He sobbed to her that he wanted to be as happy as she was. So he started learning about metaphysics, and he took to it quite nicely. He eventually became the high priest in the coven.

Not to say that works all the time, but sometimes the non-magical people surprise you. However, if he's destined for other things than you, it may be best to go your separate ways. For now, anyway.

Be well, Blanche. Keep us posted on how things turn out, okay? :hug:

[BlancheSplanchnik]

33. Seems the Universe agrees...

it's as if the Universe agrees that the time is right-- an old friend of his called a few days ago offering work for him in another state way far from here.

He hasn't been able to find work in this state, and it's been horribly stressful for him; aside from the two rages, he's handled an awful situation admirably. But, don't think I'm going co-dependent here---I know there's no excuse for the rage attacks.

so..... there's an ineffable sadness hanging over us...
I don't know when exactly he'll go, but not earning his own is not who he is and he's been hanging in there, but it's seriously upsetting to him.

as you said, "As for the serendipitous signs as you and he got together, remember that you did get together for a reason, but not all relationships are supposed to last forever. If you and he have gone as far as you can go in this lifetime, then it's all right for you to part." .... yes, he appeared at the right time and helped with fixing alot of things around here that needed to be taken care of. and it was nice to have a feeling of family for a little while--I like his mom, dad and other brother alot. And I had wanted someone I could truly feel I loved; I felt that way about him.

Anyway, it's strange; strange and sad....and doesn't seem real yet. I think I sort of knew on an intuitive level that this was temporary..geez, I hate saying that out loud too---don't quite want this ending to be real yet. I've kind of had enough loss and sadness.....

But I intend to continue meditating, putting myself in the positive energy stream, and knowing that exactly what I need has come to me when I need it many times. Trust. And crying my ass off when I need to. Also, enjoying what's here to enjoy.

I love your story about the high priestess!

by the way, I just have to translate your hilarious sig line:

In may's Britain, there will be only one law: Don't be a dingleberry. If contested, it will go to the courts where the judge will simply turn to the jury and say, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, has this man been a dingleberry?" If the foreman answers, "Yes, your honour, he's been such a dingleberry that Scott Tissue has offered him their toilet paper mascotship", then he will have the cleated sole of justice solidly imprinted upon his ample buttocks. Repeatedly.

[MorningGlow]

35. Sounds like you've got your head on straight, Blanche

Still, it is hard, I know. But because you see it coming, it'll be easier when it does. Keep manifesting the good stuff. You deserve the best! :hug:

LOL I love your translation of my sig!
:rofl:

[BlancheSplanchnik]

36. heh heh

I like my translation too! I think when it comes to humor, I kill me. :7

yes, it is hard... seeing it coming has an upside and downside....

[WhiteTara]

38. why not celebrate instead

Celebrate his new beginning. Celebrate what you loved about one another. Celebrate love itself. Celebrate your new beginnings.

If you are inclined, do a closing ritual together. Glass of wine, crust of bread, favorite music, say you love each other and let one another go.

Bright blessings

[Idylle Moon Dancer]

37. stepping stones, interesting

Well I met someone online back in May
and then in the flesh in August,
and I felt like was reuniting with an old friend or something
(Moon Dancer. She gave me that name. It fits.)
Since then and until recently I was totally smitten and horribly obsessed with this person,
though our relationship never really got outside of a sort of romantic friendship.
We had a falling-out and then made up, although there remains a certain distance.
We had some awesome times together and I will always be grateful for that and always think good to her.
She has many qualities that I would want in a partner, including an esoteric bent,
but then there are those that I wonder if they would remain as endearing major differences and quirks,
or if I would come to find among them a "dealbreaker" later on.

On Sunday I felt particularly lonely; I made a point of going to kirtan.
Well this kirtan was largely dedicated to Shiva (a very Plutonian character IMO)
and Plutonian themes have been rather large in my life lately.
This woman came in who just totally fascinated me,
by the way she looked,
how she danced and sang with abandon,
and that she definitely had some musical skill,
and how again a feeling of bumping into a long-lost friend.
My normal shyness would have had me hoping that she would come to me and introduce herself,
and then being crestfallen and self-disappointed if she did not.
Well, that went out the window and I found that we both seemed very happy to have met,
and I found it interesting also that she goes by a name that to me is very Plutonian.
Maybe she will come to the show I invited her to,
or maybe I will see her again at kirtan
as I guess I did not totally do away with the shyness,
failing to exchange contact info.

Well we shall see what happens with all of this,
but I am feeling generally good now with this mystery.