Would appreciate feedback: Energy vampire...

[bliss_eternal]

I initially encountered this term from Dr. Judith Orloff. I saw it again today in a thread I started about ending relationships/friendships.

I don't know what it is, but I haven't really had peace about a relationship w/this person in a while. I wanted to break free from them a while back, then found out they had a serious illness. Many people were turning their backs on them and I didn't want to do the same and have it viewed that I was doing so because they were ill. So I supported them during a tough time.

This has primarily been an internet relationship. We were both participants of a few of the same on-line communities. I recently found out this person spoke to someone (behind my back) that I was having trouble with--in an attempt to get them to support me. While it was a kind gesture, I feel more violated that they would cross a boundary this way and attempt to intervene in something that didn't concern them. This is not the first time this has happened.

Another time I related a mishap of a board, the person registered on the board and entered the thread to 'speak up for me.' I know it was their way of being supportive, but I didn't really think that was necessary or appropriate.

This person just doesn't seem to be the person I thought they were, or perhaps they are changing. I don't know. What I do know is how I feel, and I am not feeling as comfortable with them as I did, and sometimes find myself feeling drained or taxed by them--even when I'm not really giving much of myself. Kind of in the way Judith Orloff describes one feeling after coming into contact with an energy vampire. Does this make any sense?

Any suggestions on how to disengage peacefully? Or is that even possible?

Sincere apologies for the length--
:)
Bliss

[NMDemDist2]

1. if it's an online relationship just cut it out

i have a visualization I use

put them in an orange bubble and watch it float away (don't know why it's orange it just is)

another technique i have used successfully is to make sure I am very grounded when dealing with difficult people. visualize you have a "tail" coming out of the bottom of your spine and dragging on the ground (mine is a feline tail, hubby likes the dragon style so whatever works for you) or just stomp your feet or sigh heavily

remember you choose how people treat you and train people how to treat you on a daily basis so don't give them your power or your energy

take your stand and stand firm, just remember when speaking your truth that truth without love is brutality so tell your truth with love and let it go...

what the other person choses to do with it is their business

good luck!

[Nancy Waterman]

2. Be honest

Tell them you feel they have transgressed an important boundary once too often and it has bothered you a lot. Describe the events as they occurred and your feelings in response. Tell the person this has made trust very difficult for you and caused some resentment and you would like to take a break for a while from all contact. And do it by email. It is easier to be concise.

After a few months of "break," it is unlikely the relationship will reform. You can say no again at that time if there is an attempt.

[Behind the Aegis]

10. You are so interesting!

I love your posts! This particular one is very interesting. I like both your techniques! I will have to try them. I have a grounding visualization I have yet to use, but I should try soon. Mine involves having earth envelop me completely. Works to keep me grounded and protected.

Brightest Blessings!

BTW, thank you for helping getting the Pagan spirituality group in the DU groups! I really appreciate it!

[bliss_eternal]

3. Thank you both for the great advice...

...I really appreciate it! It's been such a tough call. I've been trying to make sense of all of this. I just can't seem to put my finger on exactly what it is that's bugging me. Maybe it's just a series of events that have occured that have eroded my feelings overall. I just know I don't feel like I once did. It's difficult to maintain any relationship when you feel you aren't being true to yourself or your actual feelings.

Ok, starting to go off on a weird tangent now. Sorry about that. Anyway, thank you both again!

:)

[DemExpat]

4. It upset me to lose a friendship some years back

for reasons I could not clearly discern, but I just had to accept that relationships do change, and to move on from there.

I learned to trust my feelings, and when something does not feel right I approach the person on it, or let the relationship "water down" until it is over.....

Not easy things to do!

:hug:

DemEx

[cassiepriam]

5. Honor yourself

This is the real definition of integrity.
Listen to yourself and your discomfort. The other person
is trying too hard to be your friend, it most likely comes
from insecurity and fear. This is not the basis of real intimacy and friendship. It is violating your boundaries and you have to listen to that.

[Nancy Waterman]

6. bliss - It has to do with boundaries

She has crossed them and you have not said "no" or "stop". Setting boundaries, which includes being able to say "no" to people, is one of the hardest things we do. Hearing "no" is another. By holding in your resentment and not telling her what bothered you about her transgressions, the wall between you built up. It is possible you could clear the air by going over all the old issues. But without putting it all on the table, the relationship will continue to deteriorate.

[cassiepriam]

7. I agree with this......

I had assumed that you had talked to your friend already about the boundary issue. If you have not, you should talk to her, telling her what is bothering you. Tell her about your discomfort and why. See how she responds. Tell her what you want and need from her. Half of getting what you want in life is asking for it!

[bliss_eternal]

8. I did try and it didn't go well at all.

The times I've attempted to be honest with her about my feelings in regard to some of her other actions,it didn't go well at all. So that is part of the reason I have been reluctant to bring this issue up, as I get the sense she doesn't deal well with this sort of thing.

The last time was probably the worst of the times I've tried. She had missed a couple of e-mails I sent, and read one e-mail that she did receive right away. She jumped to conclusions and accused me of things that just didn't make sense, given all I had done and shown to that point. I was sad, and taken aback. I couldn't believe it was easier for her to believe the worst of me than to think the very best, particularly after all we had been through at this time (she was ill). I realized anyone that could jump to such conclusions and not give me the benefit of the doubt wasn't the kind of relationship I was interested in and I said so.

Within a few days, I heard back from her. She found my e-mails and realized that I had been telling the truth all along, that I had no ill will or intent in what I had said. She felt foolish for her behaviour. She blamed it on her medical treatments and medications she was taking at the time. She said she understood if I didn't want to give her another chance, but hoped I might be open to it. I tried giving her the benefit of thd doubt and taking her at her word that it was the treatment and medication.

Unfortunately, I kind of regret not taking my out then.

Maybe she senses that I am more distant than I was before. I don't know. But before all of this occured, this wasn't the first time that I saw glimmers of insecurity and fear in her, not just in relation to me but in general. I understand that it is easy to misunderstand words on a page. I just don't feel hopeful about this friendship anymore--or even look forward to any aspects of it. I feel terrible saying so, but it is honestly how I feel. :(

[Behind the Aegis]

9. my thoughts

If you do not "feel" good about the relationship, end it! It may sound harsh, but it sounds as if you have given it a fighting chance. Your feelings are trying to protect you, listen to them! It is never easy to let a relationship go, but sometimes it is for the best. The others above have given much better advice than I have. I am speaking from experience. Had I listened to my "little voice" I might have saved myself some serious heartache.

Brightest Blessings!

[bliss_eternal]

16. Behind the Aegis I appreciate your advice!

I think it was just as valid and helpful as the advice offered by others. Please don't diminish what you shared with me.

Thank you for offering your support and sharing your wisdom!

[jumptheshadow]

11. The term "energy vampire"

That's such an accurate description for some people.

Many people who visit our home observe that there is a warm environment in it, and indeed, when I'm there, I feel wrapped in a protective, loving cocoon.

We discovered, however, that after one particular person visited us, the energy in the apartment seemed almost "wounded" for at least a day after he left. It seemed very palpable to us.

[cassiepriam]

12. Do you feel safe with this person?

My .02: I think one measure of a healthy inner circle relationship
is if you feel safe, secure, and accepted. Or do you have to be on guard, defensive and protective? Also is there a way to resolve conflicts? There are two problems in this relationship. One is that her attempts to support and help you feel like boundary violations, and have a covert quality to them. And more serious a problem is that when you tried to resolve and talk about it, things did not go well. Perhaps because of her baggage, illness and medication she is not stable or thinking correctly a this time, and not able to have a healthy relationship. It seems like your need to make some sort of decision has been coming, but because of your kindness, you delayed it in light of her illness. I think that this is commendable, do not feel bad about it. It is time however to make a move it looks like. You can either end the relationship or move her to outer circle status. The later means she is still your friend but in a more casual superficial way. Since you have a desire to end this peacefully that may be the best way to go. It will be a gradual drifting away rather than an abrupt break. I wish you well and hope you can sort this out in a way that feels OK for you.

[cassiepriam]

13. PS. I am curious

Bliss: This may sound off the wall but:
Did either your or your friend have parents (most likely a mother) who were either smothering or absent(physically or emotionally?) And/Or did your friend have a serious loss, or trauma when she was a preteen or young teen? Around Jr. High age.
If this is too personal, please ignore!

[bliss_eternal]

15. Not too personal at all, Cassiepriam.

My mother was (and still is) abusive. I severed ties with her several years ago. She was emotionally unavailable, physically, mentally and verbally abusive. I had two black eyes before the age of five (I only remember one--I was told of the other, guess I blocked it out).

It took a loooong time to get to the point that I was able to stop putting myself in situations with people that were like my mother. Jobs, bf's, female friends, etc. I'm a lot better at seeing the red flags up front and steering clear. Or if I find I didn't recognize signs initially, I'm better at removing myself from it.

I'm not sure at all about the person I have spoke of here. She has shared that her family isn't physically demonstrative, but not much else. She works in the social services field herself. She didn't feel that her siblings were particularly supportive during her illness. I do remember that.

I have wondered the very thing you've asked. If I may ask (lol) why do you ask? What do you suspect might be going on in this situation?

Look forward to your thoughts!
Bliss :)

[cassiepriam]

17. I have more questions.......

Bliss:

Is your mother mentally ill? or drug/alcohol addicted?
Your father was not there to protect you? Where was he?
And your friend is a social worker? What kind of clients does she work with? Did your friend's over the top behavior happen before or after her illness? Is her illness life threatening?

I am asking because I think that both you and your friend are acting
out some childhood pain with each other. Just my .02.
BTW I do not think she is a bad person, she has just for some reason
taken a mother role with you. Protecting you from harm. She sees you as a helpless child, who needs to be rescued. It is more of a parent child relationship. And it feels bad for you. I do not know if she can have an adult relationship with you.

[bliss_eternal]

18. I don't think you are wrong at all.

Mother: pretty certain she is/was mentally ill. I think she inherited it. She frequently self medicated w/other family member's prescription drugs, sleeping pills, etc. Frequently flew into rages (but only w/me), never my brother. She doted on him.

Father: Did not protect. He also abused me. Severed ties w/him long ago. Compulsive liar, religious zealot.

Friend: works child welfare, domestic violence, etc. The over the top stuff was before and during illness. Illness was life threatening.

The funny thing is that I felt this long before now. Her work was making her less and less available. It seemed she went from one crisis at work to the next and each depleted her and made her less available. I saw the handwriting on the wall, and being so familiar with my own issues, prepared to walk away.

Right then, another more personal crisis came along--a close family member became very ill. I didn't feel I could walk away in good conscience at such a critical time. I thought I would weather that storm then move on. Wouldn't you know it? Then SHE got sick. LOL! Irony I suppose.

The illness showed me that while she makes a living advocating for others, she's not good at doing so for herself. She tends to look right at situtions where people aren't being great freinds but continues to try to get blood from a turnip so to speak. Looking back, there were aspects of this present even before the illness.

She has major codependency issues. She takes on other's issues as her own, despite the fact that they don't seem to acknowledge her caring or concern. I took note of this, her inability to discuss things without getting defensive, and her frequent need to avoid. If we disagreed about something, she tended to want to 'change my mind' or 'influence' me in some cases as opposed to just allowing me to feel differenently. I didn't like this.

In a weird way it totally smacks of my relationship w/my mother. In that I end up taking care of her, it's never enough, and when she does try to reciprocate or show caring it's over the top or superficial. (My mother would go buy me something instead of just saying, I'm sorry). I'm the caretaker of the caretaker in a way. LOL!

Bliss
:)

[cassiepriam]

19. This is the source of the energy drain:

Bliss wrote: <In a weird way it totally smacks of my relationship w/my mother. In that I end up taking care of her, it's never enough, and when she does try to reciprocate or show caring it's over the top or superficial. (My mother would go buy me something instead of just saying, I'm sorry). I'm the caretaker of the caretaker in a way. LOL!>>

That is why it feels so bad for you. All the pieces fit, and you have identified all the essentials.



P.S. I must tell you Bliss. You are lucky to be alive and have
survived your childhood. I think that your survival depended
about intuition and perception.

And I think you can deal with this problem in a win/win way.
It will do no good at all to confront your friend. And she does not need drama in her life right now. You can tell her something like the fact that you have personal stress right now in your life, you need to take a break for awhile from Internet relationships, and she will be in your thoughts and prayers.
And then send her some white light for healing.

My .02.

[cassiepriam]

20. one last .02 :))

I think that a part of you got scared by this friend.
You are safe, send healing, protection to yourself.
You will be OK once you stop the spiral with this friend.

[CelticWinter]

14. psychic vampyre

http://groups.msn.com/LadyBeastsLair/psychicvampyres.msnw


The unintentional psychic vampyre!

Have you ever been around some one that is miserable and there seems to be no reason for it? When you leave this person do you feel as if you are so totally exhausted that you can't even hardly have the strength to walk away? If so you have been a victim of the scariest and worst of any vampyre of them all! They have fed off of your life force to live and breath! I have done much research on this topic because it seems as of late I have been drained myself. These vampyres come in the guise of a person that often times are victims, they take no responsibility for the negativity in their lives. These creatures are needy in some way and are parasites that need a positive life force to drain from. They are often people that seem to feel sorry for theirsleves and put themselves in situations that they are doomed to fail. This drains them and they have to feed. It takes a lot more energy to be negative all of the time than is does to be positive. They take all that they can until they hardly have any life force left and then they search for their next victim. In the beginning they will be happy and friendly until one day they have fed enough and then they usually turn. When they turn you will see a drama unfold in front of you that doesn't exist. They will express a deep sadness or anger that's seems to come out of nowhere and then they are off again until your life force is finally gone from them and then on to their next victim they go! These creatures do exist! Don't fall prey to them!

These vampyres have the need to drain the life force from you and take it into themselves and leave you feeling drained, exhausted, and feeling very negative. A lot of times they have the need to touch you and take from you that way. These vampyres can go into a room feeling bad and everyone else may seem fine. In a few moments you will notice that everyone else starts to get quiet and the atmosphere in the room will change. The more the vampyre feeds the happier they will be but the rest of the room will feel down and want to run as quickly as they can.

These people want to ruin your life! They may seem to have no self esteem and not many friends. They will try to make you feel bad about yourself so they can take that and make themselves feel better. You will feel sorry for them and try to help. If you get in this situation you need to get out of it. So if some one you know is leaving you feeling drained and tired after you leave them then the best advice I can give is break all ties with this person and run for your life before they drag you down too far!

Beware!

This is a scary page I know but one I felt very neccesary to have here! If you have any questions feel free to direct them to me. There are things you can do to protect yourself if you are in a situation that you can't get out of or away from and I will be glad to share this with you!

LadyBeast ©



For more information on this topic here is a great book to help!


Psychic Vampires by Joe H. Slate

$14.95

This book explains how to protect yourself from energy predators and parasites.