How To Spot Atheists And Report Them To The FBI

[frogmarch]

I found this Landover Baptist Church article long ago at Whitehouse.org. It still makes me laugh!



(from the Landover Baptist Church archives)

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0503/atheists.html

(snip)

When not bringing financially sound believers to the bosom of Christ, Hardwick and Fred dedicate their lives to ferreting out and publicly exposing hell bound, godless liberal trash. And outside of the demon-possessed folks at the mental hospital who fling their own excrement up your nose, Atheists are the worst kind of unsaved trash a decent Christian will ever have the displeasure of rebuking. Thankfully, there are not that many of them.

"I've got to tell you," says Pastor Deacon Fred, "that from what I've seen in the last few years, there are roughly 300 active Atheists living in the United States. I know that sounds like a lot of godless nuts, but I'm not exaggerating just to get your attention. Atheism is becoming a very serious epidemic because our projections show that within a mere eight years, our country will no longer have prison space to hold all of them. And that's not even taking into account the many folks who don't have the guts to admit at the family dinner table that they are Atheists, but spit in Christ's face in secret by failing to get down on their knees and repeat all the compliments He demands to hear. Most of the uncounted Atheists are in the closet and are too sissified to handle death threats from their Christian neighbors.

~~

[reprobate]

1. I can now joyfully say I'm no longer an atheist. Officially Pastafarian.

Thanks be to the F.S.M. Even ordered the car stick on emblems. Can I now join the Landover Baptist Church? Or are they agains Pastafarians also?

[Az]

2. We have long had gods

The FSM is just the latest in a long tradition.

The invisible pink unicorn has long been a patron of the skeptics. Bob has long been the god of slack. And of course he is the bastard son of Eris, Goddess of discord and mischief.

Then there is Cthulhu. Many believe there must be a family tie between the noodely one and the evil one.

[frogmarch]

4. But...but

I thought Bob was the rain god. You mean he's not? Oh noooo! Now my whole world has turned topsy-turvey on me.

I've seen the Invisible Pink Unicorn, so I believe in it, but I don't know about those other two, Erin and Cthuwhatever.

Nice portrait of the Noodly One exiting the sepulcher. heh.

[frogmarch]

3. I can't say for sure

Reprobate, but I'd dare bet that because of the FSM's meat balls and noodliness, Landover's Pastor Deacon Fred considers Pastafarians synonymous with Cafeteria Catholics, and Pastor Deacon Fred says Catholics are going to hell. Nuff said?

I've been considering converting to Pastafarianism, but first I need to know if it has special rituals, and if so, whether I'd like them. Did the FSM ever send his beloved son to earth and all that, and are there Pastafarian holidays like Christianity's Christmas and Easter? It's important to me to know before I decide. It's a big step, after all.

[reprobate]

6. Frogmarch, I've not been inducted into the inner mysteries yet....

...so I really can't help you with the full knowledge of the rituals of Pastafarianism. The is one tho that I AM sure of, as it came to me in a dream, a sure sign of visitation by the noodly one. And that is that the pasta must be twirled onto the fork in a clockwise direction. Anything other than that is heresy.

And I can surely empathize with your struggle. But let me point out that the one indivisable ritual in Pastafarianism is in the eating.

Consider the spiritual meaning of the meal. Don't the meatballs signify his flesh, the sauce his blood, and the pasta his bones (at least they did before they were cooked)? And in the eating, aren't we becoming one with the great noodly one?

I wish you luck in your struggle. All I can say to you is that for me, the one thing that pushed me to the final decision was my wife's new sauce- the one where she crumbles little bits of hot italian saucage into it. A truly religious experience.

By the way, it's been revealed that for the health conscious whole grain pasta is an acceptable substitute. On the other hand I consider all those who eschew red sauce in favor of any pantywaist white sauce or even clam sauce, or olive oil and garlic to be nothing but heretical revelutionaries.

[geniph]

7. Every Friday is a religious holiday

and if your employer has a problem with that, you can sue for religious discrimination! Plus OUR heaven has a stripper factory and beer volcano - match that, Baptists!

The FSM sends his children in effigy every time we eat of the Sacred Starchiness.

May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage soon.

[NMMNG]

5. Bwahahahaha

:rofl: